WritersBeat.com

WritersBeat.com (http://forums.writersbeat.com/index.php)
-   Poetry (http://forums.writersbeat.com/forumdisplay.php?f=10)
-   -   The Farmer's Wife And Her Two Shades Of Blue (http://forums.writersbeat.com/showthread.php?t=32297)

Grace Gabriel 07-06-2011 06:28 AM

The Farmer's Wife And Her Two Shades Of Blue
 
The Farmer's Wife And Her Two Shades Of Blue

I feel a frisk! Feel light! Feel free!
Don't know what's come over me!
Twinkling eyes,
Burning thighs
Feel that kundalini rise
Hurry home! Feelin' blue!
Got a need, and that need's you.

I washed your shirts and made the bed
The tractor's oiled, the chickens fed
Washed your plate
Greased the gate
All this stuff to lubricate!
Hurry home! Feelin' blue!
There's something that we've gotta do!


Put new slates up on the barn
Still got all your socks to darn
Dropping stitches
Something itches
All this tingling in my britches
Hurry home! Feelin' blue!
I'll spoil the sheets for spoilin' you!

I hung your coat, it smelt of musk
I'm horny as a rhino's tusk
Feeling spry
Don't know why
Babe, I've made you apple pie
Hurry home! Feelin blue!
The kitchen floor will have to do!

Pulled out that tree stump by its roots
And scraped the dung off all your boots
Shelled the peas,
I'm on my knees
There's WOMAN in these dungarees!
Hurry home! Feeling blue!
Unsheath your sword and run me through!

Something got my engine fired
But now I just feel... so darn tired
Same old drill
Pigs and swill
I just need a headache pill
Hurry home.... feelin' blue
Dinner's burnt, I'm mad at you.

My fingernails are black with dirt
My back's sore and my bunions hurt
Such a slog
You're a hog
You'll find your dinner in the dog
Hurry home.... feelin blue
When I wake up I'm leaving you....
 

Ethan Blake 07-06-2011 08:01 AM

Hi Grace,
Fantastic read had me smiling and laughing all through, echoes of Pam Ayres. Loved every line of it.
Best Regards
David

Grace Gabriel 07-06-2011 12:46 PM

Many thanks Signor Wallace. Nice to see you - missed you around the site of late.

JoeMatt 07-06-2011 12:58 PM

The rhymes in this are right on -- and it's pretty funny too. These would make great lyrics.

It seems like there could be more of transition in moods, though -- maybe a stanza where there's some kind of shift happening.

Nice work!

Nick Pierce 07-06-2011 01:08 PM

"and that need's you"
perhaps
'and that need is you'

Grace Gabriel 07-06-2011 02:04 PM

Good suggestion Nick - but when I read it out loud, I think it messes the rythm. (Did you try it?)

Thanks for your comments JoeMatt. Us women folk can go from rampant to rankled in the space of seconds! Wanted the mood shift to be a quick, hormonal swing! Many thanks for the read, and comments.

Nick Pierce 07-06-2011 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel (Post 433770)
Good suggestion Nick - but when I read it out loud, I think it messes the rythm. (Did you try it?)

Yes, I tried it. It moves quickly. It depends from the relationship betwixt the two folks. If you slow it for a moment, where noted, the connection between the entire piece's sentiment and the absent fella is established in a primary manner.

Isn't this what you intend by bold fonting "you"?

I would also like to suggest you consider 'there's a woman in these dungarees' (how unfortunate- two dungs of opposed scent so close together) in place of the current structure. Same reason as the 'is you'.

Nick Pierce 07-06-2011 05:48 PM

"breeches" has an alternative spelling- britches.
It rhymes with stitches.
It rhymes with itches.

Nadja 07-07-2011 12:41 AM

Top marks for using the word 'kundalini' :D

Redlorry 07-07-2011 02:09 AM

Excellent humor. I enjoyed this very much. Although I did think some of the rhyming was pushed to the limit... 'breeches' :D
However as it was a fun rhyme I don't think it affected the flow at all.

You got me once again with this from the mod perspective too. When I got to the line about a rhino's tusk I was thinking this will need moving to the adult forum... but once again you threw the curve in there, lol.

Really good fun.

Grace Gabriel 07-07-2011 02:27 AM

That backs up Nick's point about spelling "breeches" as "britches". Thanks for that Nick, as I wasn't sure if the latter was o.k. I'll edit that now.

Really appreciate the help. Thanks guys.

Waterpoor 07-10-2011 09:34 AM

comment
 
I really like this one. I know about the farmer and the wife. Skillful use of images and great humor.

In the first line did you mean frisk as a verb or adjective?

Keep on writing!
R.

Grace Gabriel 07-10-2011 01:53 PM

Many thanks Waterpoor. Read your piece earlier...loved it, but too tired to form a coherent critique! Will go back in the morning, promise. G'night.

KBR 07-11-2011 01:36 PM

I loved the way it slowed down at the end. It went perfectly with the change in mood. I'm ok with imperfect rhyme. Perfect rhyme is a task master. Perfect meter makes you read a poem like you have a conductor's baton in your hand. Unless you state the key and meter of the poem to the left of the first line like music notation, I prefer a looser approach.

This poem tickled me as well. There's an every woman quality to the read. Just to help ongoing male and female communications...the chores aren't as important. KBR

Grace Gabriel 07-12-2011 08:36 AM

Thanks K!

"The chores aren't as important" - my kinda guy.....

Grace Gabriel 04-18-2017 02:13 PM

Remembering the days when you gave sharp-eyed, insightful and on point critique Mr P - I am the Frankenstein you helped give life to. Thank you.

I'll keep writing on this listing ship until the water claims my keyboard. Until then - "gentlemen - it's been a privilege playing with you tonight."

brianpatrick 04-18-2017 07:27 PM

Nick?

Yeah, he still does that. Except, he tends to make one work for it now.

KBR 06-06-2017 10:42 PM

This is still as wonderful as the first time I read it. Flirty and fun every part works together to give you full surround sound hippy and swing makes me love the whole thing.


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:32 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.