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beefheart 01-10-2013 02:34 PM

Tips for Intersexual Relations
 
After countless hours of scouring the internet for dating advice, I have discovered a few universal truths about intersexual relations. Having considered the insights of the geniuses over at Men's Health and Cosmopolitan magazine, it has become clear that both men and women have similar conclusions on how to catch a keeper. These invaluable tips are sure to attract the relationship that you desire!

1.) EXERCISE.

No one wants to date a fatty! According to www.hookingupsmart.com, "You can be the smartest, coolest, funniest, sweetest little cupcake that has ever existed, but if you aren’t within 10lbs of your ideal weight, quality men won’t give you a second glance."*
Women should work out in order to be skinny.

Men should work out too, to get buff arms.

2.) HYGIENE.

Cleanliness is Godliness like all those clever bottles say at my local Whole Foods! Seriously, take care of yourselves.

For the ladies: Four to five showers a day, weekly manicures, monthly haircuts/colors.

For the gentlemen: One bottle of cologne per week.

3.) BEND OVER BACKWARD FOR HIM.

Literally and figuratively! Not only will this add another spicy sexual position to your sparse repertoire, but it will make your man wild with desire! Again, according to the expert who wrote this article*, no man wants to date an opinionated femma-nazi with a mangina.

Tip: Actually lay face down on the floor and ask your man to walk all over you. It'll really turn him on!

4.) YET HAVE CONFIDENCE AT THE SAME TIME?

Stand up straight and smile. Look people in the eye. Men should project an air of authority by dominating the conversation or farting loudly. Women should display confidence by showing their midriffs and speaking when spoken to.

5.) KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN.

Always look your best wherever you go, whether it's to the grocery store or to your therapist's office. You never know where you'll meet your next manly meal ticket/concubine. Don't be afraid to say hello, or suggest sexual intercourse.

Happy hunting!



*http://www.freedomtwentyfive.com/201...truth-edition/

Gaines 01-11-2013 01:47 AM

Like Mick Jagger was reported to have said; "A woman should posess three important qualities. She should be a cook in the kitcen, a maid in the living room and a whore in the bedroom."

It ain't complicated.

JoeMatt 01-11-2013 08:26 AM

I think it was one of Mick's ex's, Jerry Hall who said that and she was quoting her mother. My problem with the theory is that there are potentially a lot of rooms that wouldn't be covered.

Gaines 01-11-2013 08:33 AM

Get a smaller house.

JoeMatt 01-11-2013 08:34 AM

No, I think the answer is more women.

Gaines 01-11-2013 08:42 AM

Keep in mind if it has tits or tires eventually you will have trouble with it.

JoeMatt 01-11-2013 08:51 AM

I've thought about that. In less than 5 years, I'll have 2 teenage daughters and a wife (probably) under one roof. I think that will be more than I can handle.

Lin 01-13-2013 06:14 PM

It gets better when you get past the tips.

Lin 01-13-2013 06:15 PM

"If it flies, floats, or fucks, don't buy it, rent it."

Billy Clyde Puckett, "Semi Tough"

JoeMatt 01-13-2013 06:33 PM

Some advice is better late than never. If I ever need a plane or a boat, I’ll keep that in mind.

Lin 01-13-2013 06:51 PM

"If women didn't have pussies, there'd be a bounty on them."

"Shake" Tiller, "Semi Tough"

beefheart 01-13-2013 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lin (Post 560100)
"If women didn't have pussies, there'd be a bounty on them."

"Shake" Tiller, "Semi Tough"

You are disgusting!

Lin 01-13-2013 07:08 PM

Now, now. I'm not going to "pork" you if you carry on like that.

beefheart 01-13-2013 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lin (Post 560102)
Now, now. I'm not going to "pork" you if you carry on like that.

I don't need your porking.

/vomitting

Lin 01-13-2013 08:24 PM

Just try to keep your pants on, Hotlips. You'll get over it.

LaughinJim 01-13-2013 09:49 PM

The problem with most American men, and American men masquerading as Mexican women, is that they were raised by sadistic fathers and loveless mothers. It was from these illbegotten parents that they learned to socialize with the opposite sex. It is for this reason, mainly, that they never can have a relationship that lasts longer than seven years and why their kids don't speak to them after age tweinty-five, or so.

Lin 01-13-2013 10:04 PM

What a crock. Get your face in there close enough and you realize it's a mirror, Doc Freud.

JohnConstantine 01-14-2013 02:51 AM

:smiley_mornincoffee

JohnConstantine 01-14-2013 07:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CandraH (Post 560178)
Beefheart posts a fun piece about guys and gals and he thinks people coming in and laughing with her are being rude...

Though I won't side with Jim, because assuming someone would lie about having a wife and kids is rather silly. Joe has joined a few parent oriented discussions.

But, for the record, you have skimmed over at least two genuinely sleazy comments.

CandraH 01-14-2013 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JohnConstantine (Post 560225)
But, for the record, you have skimmed over at least two genuinely sleazy comments.

Wait a minute. Are you trying to be the feminist police or something?

I havent seen anything in here to worry about personally. Certainly nothing thats so terrible or anti-women or sleazy. Just people having fun and talking shit. No big deal.

I mean, we could all get started talking shit about guys too and having ourselves a fun little battle of the sexes but to be honest, that kind of thing is boring to me. So, ya know, I'll have to bow out.

JohnConstantine 01-14-2013 07:50 AM

Nah, it would be fine if it was cordial banter between friends. That's not the case here. See 'suggestions for poets' for details.

I don't care either, just thought I'd point it out for good or ill.

'tis a treacherous place of late.

LaughinJim 01-14-2013 10:21 AM

Let's just see how some on this thread have been behaving toward women, in general and Beefheat specifically:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gaines (Post 559728)
Keep in mind if it has tits or tires eventually you will have trouble with it.



Quote:

Originally Posted by Lin (Post 560100)
"If women didn't have pussies, there'd be a bounty on them."



Quote:

Originally Posted by Lin (Post 560102)
Now, now. [to Beefheart] I'm not going to "pork" you if you carry on like that.



Quote:

Originally Posted by Lin (Post 560108)
[to Beefheart again] Just try to keep your pants on, Hotlips. You'll get over it.



Wow, what was I thinking? I am so wrong and you guys are so cool. Can I please join the He Man Woman Haters' Club? Please, can I, Huh?

Lin 01-14-2013 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaughinJim (Post 560204)
Hey CandraH

I have been called in this thread: dellusional, retarded, a douchebag, etc.

Some times the world is trying to get a messsage to you and all you have to do is pay attention.

I have long realized that being a femme-nazi requires having a dead ear for humor, sarcasm, irony... or pretty much anything said by anybody else.
But you don't often see it with alleged men taking up the cudgel to defend those little dears who can't stick up for themselves.

JoeMatt 01-14-2013 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaughinJim (Post 560267)
Wow, what was I thinking? I am so wrong and you guys are so cool. Can I please join the He Man Woman Haters' Club? Please, can I, Huh?

I’m sorry -- they won’t let you join if you’re already a member of the Super-Sensitive, Self-Righteous Goody-Two-Shoes Club. You’ll have to turn in your badge and decoder ring first.

Beafheart is the one who introduced the whole “all the men around here want to pork me” thing in another thread. She's not exactly innocent. And you seem to be ignoring the whole tone of the OP – for example – “like no man wants to date an opinionated femma-nazi with a mangina.”

Are you really this dense?

Lin 01-14-2013 11:21 AM

Oh, BTW, both of my comments are quotes from a best-selling novel that was made into a very successful motion picture starring Burt Reynolds, Kris Kristofferson, Carl Weathers, Jill Claypool and... get this... Lotte Lenya.
So maybe you should take this battle to the big stage and smoke out the real criminals who defile women. Ms. Lenya certainly fits the bill as a woman-hater in need of protection.

Oh, sorry, that book and movie are classed as comic. So I'm sure you didn't read them, or didn't get what was going on.

Emerald 01-14-2013 11:23 AM

I think inability to comprehend irony should be classed as a mental disability and treated by psychiatrists.
Something should be done for those poor people.
It's depressing to watch.
Like a disabled person trying to hobble up a flight of stairs.

Domenic 01-14-2013 11:29 AM

I think the main problem is...women have yet to understand men.
Let me tell you about men. Men are? Give me a second... Most men are..huh?
What the hell. You gals don't have to know what we don't know. So there.

Lin 01-14-2013 11:35 AM

One of the guiding principles of feminist thought is that while it is very necessary for men to try to understand women (even though another principle is that women have too much mystique to be understood), but there is absolutely NO reason for women to try to understand men. What's to understand,really? They're only men.

Emerald 01-14-2013 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lin (Post 560293)
One of the guiding principles of feminist thought

I'm pretty sure the primary guiding principle of any sort of egalitarian philosophy is that one should not make sweeping statements based on arbitrary things like skin colour, or whether your genitals are external or internal.

JoeMatt 01-14-2013 12:19 PM

Well, feminism, especially the brand of it you see along the fringes of half-ass academia, is hardly an egalitarian philosophy.


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