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Luciaphile 01-22-2018 08:49 PM

Bono Mutants
 
Does this sound at all like the beginning of a good story.

The Bono Mutants has taken up residence in our bushy tree line where once we had thrown all our mulch. They were digging up banana peels and apple cores, lettuce leaves and old splats of bread and butter and mayo along with years of leaves and fallen crabapples. Jerry and I watched the shadowy bodies move darkly amongst the trunks and branches, and their frightening morphing shapes made us shiver.

“Look,” Jerry said, “they came from that cave.” He and I were up in our second floor apartment, looking down at the animals from our windows. There was a dark empty spot in the trees, and from its black nothingness appeared more and more Bono Mutants, all reaching their hairy arms upward and climbing forth like black beetles out of a hole.

“They say the mutants have a whole system of tunnels and caves around the earth now,” I said.

“Now we know it is true.” My husband Jerry was dark and tall, big, calm, and the stories of the mutants had interested him as a good book might. It had started in Africa, of course, where purportedly the alien ship had crashed in the deepest jungles. Years and years passed, but not near as many years as evolution on earth might have taken. Jerry and I had been children when we heard about the strange creatures called the Bono Mutants, how they would slip into villages and cities to help themselves to any food they might find. While the mutants seemed mild and friendly like the bonobo chimps, which it was assumed they had evolved from, the alien part of their being caused all sorts of adverse reactions from humans.

One of the most irritating traits to humans, it seemed, was the bonobo way of openly having sex for all sorts of greetings and leavings and other friendly correspondences. We could take this weird aberration in the bonobos themselves, since they were small tribes, hidden in jungles, studied by scientists and giggled over by students. But with the alien introduction into their gene pool, the Mutants had spread like wildfire across the earth, traveling through their tunnels, slipping out of their caves, and acting freely among us.

Nick Pierce 01-23-2018 02:04 PM

Some of the allusions are overly vague. Some of the syntax is challenging or, perhaps, challenged.

But you didn't ask about that sort of stuff.

Is this gong to have anything to do with that singer?

Luciaphile 01-24-2018 10:00 AM

What singer? Oh, no, bono is short for bonobo, a type of chimp that makes love not war in the jungle.

Nick Pierce 01-24-2018 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luciaphile (Post 740925)
What singer? Oh, no, bono is short for bonobo, a type of chimp that makes love not war in the jungle.


Oh, that's a relief.

So the people in your story are okay with the mutant fornicatin' ways?

Luciaphile 01-24-2018 01:57 PM

No, that's the point; they aren't. It embarrasses humans to see this kind of casual greeting sex in front view and so they are trying to get rid of the mutants. However in my story the mutants have something to teach the two humans watching them and an exchanging of cultures begins. Maybe it is too icky to write, though. The idea came from a dream I had.

Nick Pierce 01-24-2018 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luciaphile (Post 740931)
No, that's the point; they aren't. It embarrasses humans to see this kind of casual greeting sex in front view and so they are trying to get rid of the mutants. However in my story the mutants have something to teach the two humans watching them and an exchanging of cultures begins. Maybe it is too icky to write, though. The idea came from a dream I had.


Well icky is in the mind of the judger.

I have written from dreams.
The one about the rat is an actual dream.

What I don't get is why the humans would not demise the critters if they were annoying.


Maybe you should write some more of this story.

brianpatrick 01-24-2018 03:00 PM

Yeah, I say write more. I agree with all that Nick said, some problems with syntax and such, but the idea is interesting.

And who could not love fornicating alien monkeys?


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brianpatrick 01-24-2018 05:10 PM

Say, not to shamelessly promote a magazine I work for, but have you read the Oddville Press?

www.oddvillepress.com


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brianpatrick 01-24-2018 05:14 PM

Bono Mutants
 
If nothing else, read this from the Spring 2017 issue: Check Out | Short story by Genelle Chaconas.



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Luciaphile 01-25-2018 09:56 PM

Thanks for the comments. I read the story, Brian Patrick; why did you suggest it? I like your magazine, especially the name. I'll read more.

brianpatrick 01-26-2018 07:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luciaphile (Post 740973)
Thanks for the comments. I read the story, Brian Patrick; why did you suggest it? I like your magazine, especially the name. I'll read more.



It’s just one of my favorites. Nothing to do with you really.


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daes13 01-26-2018 03:22 PM

I like the inherent story itself, this could be very visceral. But, unless you are catering this to a young adult audience rewrite with a different style, and try in medias res, and let the background develope as opposed to info dumping. I would love to read this as an adult sci fi piece.

brianpatrick 01-26-2018 03:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by daes13 (Post 740978)
I like the inherent story itself, this could be very visceral. But, unless you are catering this to a young adult audience rewrite with a different style, and try in medias res, and let the background develope as opposed to info dumping. I would love to read this as an adult sci fi piece.



Yeah, like a Philip K Dick thing


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daes13 01-26-2018 03:51 PM

Philip K Dick has been a major influence on me recently, so yes agreed

Luciaphile 01-26-2018 08:24 PM

Guess you'll have to explain Dick to me or I'll look it up.

Beesauce 01-26-2018 08:27 PM

P.K. Dick's all sci-fi

https://futurism.media/best-philip-k-dick-books

Luciaphile 01-27-2018 02:18 PM

Oh, I know Electric Dreams - liked the book but the movie not so much until I knew what was happening having read the book. In the book you actually get electric sheep and such, though, which interested me.

daes13 01-27-2018 02:22 PM

Think style, or voice as people want to say, as opposed to ideal. The way you wrote above is for young adult, but the material is adult, right it however is best for your story. Change the material to suit the style, or change the style to suit the material. Read Philip K Dick, read, read, read, and let it influence your style

Luciaphile 01-27-2018 02:44 PM

Yeah, I gotcha dais13. My first style is my teen style and I always seem to write in it at first. I can change, however, and will try. It is not a teen story, though I'm sure teens will have seen or read worse.

daes13 01-27-2018 03:00 PM

Break that style, one of the hardest things I ever did. Luckily I have an amazing woman that calls me on my shit. Kindest thing she ever did was say I write like shit. That now influences my new critique style. Break that teen stuff, its hard, but after you will question how you ever wrote like that.

Luciaphile 01-27-2018 04:42 PM

Well, I am not that hard on my own style, but I understand.

daes13 01-27-2018 04:53 PM

Be that hard. Its nice to have people say they like your work but until someone tells you its shit then you never progress. People are always gonna be nice, they will try their damnedest to be nice... Screw that. Be mean. Get tough. Get good.

Luciaphile 01-27-2018 09:15 PM

I just read Beyond the Wub, by Mr. Dick by the Gutenberg Project. It had a great creature in it, too.

Nick Pierce 01-28-2018 05:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luciaphile (Post 741029)
I just read Beyond the Wub, by Mr. Dick by the Gutenberg Project. It had a great creature in it, too.


And what progress with this bono thing?
A lot of people get bogged down after the initial start.
U2?

Luciaphile 01-28-2018 09:04 AM

Nick, I've written the entire dream at least, so I know the action. I need to flesh it out and make it mean something if it wants to. I am somewhat shy about writing the sexual parts, as they are very graphic and I'm not used to doing that too much (just a little).

Beesauce 01-28-2018 09:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by daes13 (Post 740978)
I like the inherent story itself, this could be very visceral. But, unless you are catering this to a young adult audience rewrite with a different style, and try in medias res, and let the background develope as opposed to info dumping. I would love to read this as an adult sci fi piece.


Daes's got the jest of what I couldn't quiet place or felt comfortable saying myself. The problem is that the storytelling is YA and not tailored for where the story goes, which I'm assuming is all totally porno . I mean. To say these Bono M.'s are going to teach this married couple about.. sex. It's all too simplistic.

What I was going to say before I read Daes's comment here, was that I don't like how it's all just an info dump. The dialogue and main couple sound clueless, specifically the husband, "Now we know it is true" this sounds forced and could use a contraction. The society it seems already know of these ET's having infiltrated the world and the couple don't believe anything until they see it. Doesn't seem plausible

I think you could just keep going and then it will all have to be readjusted for the appropriate audience when you've worked out storyline. It seems the main story is sexual in nature and not much more.

Actually, I bet you would enjoy this great sci-fi I read: Time Pressure by Spider Robinson, it's a quick read. Spider Robinson and his wife wrote a trilogy together, another fantastic space ballet "Stardance"... they've been trying to make a movie but can't get zero G ballet choreographed in the same way as it was described in the book. Such a beautiful read, highly recommend as you'd get a better idea of how to tailor something sci-fi sexy to adults.

Nick Pierce 01-28-2018 11:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luciaphile (Post 741039)
Nick, I've written the entire dream at least, so I know the action. I need to flesh it out and make it mean something if it wants to. I am somewhat shy about writing the sexual parts, as they are very graphic and I'm not used to doing that too much (just a little).

Suggest you go to the ... ahem ... adult forum, go to page 2 and read one titled "What's for Breakfast?".

This treatment of carnality may enable you to see ways to expose your character's activities while not pruriently arousing your audience.

brianpatrick 01-28-2018 07:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce (Post 741046)
Suggest you go to the ... ahem ... adult forum, go to page 2 and read one titled "What's for Breakfast?".



This treatment of carnality may enable you to see ways to expose your character's activities while not pruriently arousing your audience.



I’ve never been able to get into the adult section. Dunno why. I requested, for permission, and couldn’t see it. Oh well, the thrill has passed anyway.


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Luciaphile 01-28-2018 07:41 PM

You guys are getting me so self conscious I don't know if I want to write it anymore. Maybe I'll look for another dream to convert for my project of making night dreams into stories.

Luciaphile 01-29-2018 12:07 AM

P.S. I didn't mean to be unappreciative of your comments. They are all welcome. I guess I just don't want to work on this one for awhile. If I sneak back and finish it, I'll show it to you all done! Nick, liked your adult poem, ha.


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