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PeteMalicki 03-07-2011 04:08 PM

Breast Pun Ever
The latest 10 min play, hot off the Malicki press. A satire on plays about body parts.

Breast Pun Ever
© Pete Malicki 2011

Cast: Con – a flavoured condom. Wears a single-coloured spandex outfit.
Tammy – a tampon. White outfit with a green string between her legs.
The Cockgina – a hybrid penis and vagina. Stands with feet together and knees spread. Body is erect.

Elaborate costumes are highly recommended.

Tammy and Con shuffle onto the stage.

Tammy: Hi Con.

Con: Hey Tammy. Haven’t seen you here for a while. How long’s it been? About three weeks?

Tammy: Sorry. I’ve been at work.

Con: Oh yeah. How is work?

Tammy: Always the same bloody thing. You?

Con: Oh, I was completely pissed off last night.

Tammy: How come?

Con: My boss was drunk again. Forgot to take me off.

Tammy: Your boss is a dick.

Con: Oh yeah, he’s a massive cock. I was trapped in the bathroom and spent half the night banging my head against the wall. Not that that’s unusual, I guess.

Tammy: You poor thing. But my manager is going to make me redundant.

Con: That’s ridiculous! You look after a vital process at your workplace!

Tammy: I thought so too, but the CEO started taking hormone pills to help her perform better and my work flow’s dried up.

Con: Won’t your manager put herself out for you?

Tammy: No. She’s a pussy. I spoke to her on Wednesday and she said, “Tammy, I know you’ve been working your way up for quite some time, but there’s nothing I can do.” I said “C’mon, help me out.” There was a real pregnant pause, then she said, “There’s nothing I can do. Period.”

Con: You know, Tammy, this wouldn’t be the worst thing ever. You could finally take a vacation. Why not go Down Under and see the Australian bush?

Tammy: It’s too dry for me there. Besides, no job, no money.

Con: I can lend you cash. I’ve made a little bit on the side.

Tammy: No thanks. There’s always strings attached. (adjusts her string)

Con: Fine then.

Tammy: What about you? What’s been up?

Con: Actually… I’m writing a play.

Tammy: A play?

Con: Yes. It’s about… (giggly) A pair of breasts!

Tammy: Breasts? What do you know about breasts? They’re hardly your area of expertise.

Con: Well, I’m investigating the topic, like a private dick. You know, trying to get up there and in between them.

Tammy: Okay. What happens in the play?

Con: Well, Pamela wants to hang out with her Russian friend Titiana. Titiana wants to stay in but Pamela is busting to get loose. She’s a real handful, that one.

Tammy: Let’s hear some of the dialogue.

Con: Okay then. “Pamela: Hi Tit. How’s it hanging? Titiana: It has been swell, Pam.”

Tammy: “It has been swell”? Con, that’s so artificial.

Con: It gets better. “Pamela: did you hear that Barbra and I have started swinging?” Get it? Swinging! (makes swinging gesture)

Tammy: Con, I hate to say it, but people don’t go to the theatre to see plays about body parts. They want high drama. Like: a man is on death row, and he discovers that the prosecutor is actually his father and the prostitute he raped to death was his grandmother. He asks for his execution to be brought forward and says, “For my last meal, I’d like a plate of remorse.”

Con: Knock Knock, Knockers has a serious side, too! Pamela gets cancer and has to be replaced by a silicon bag.

Tammy: I can’t see it being pushed up to the front of any theatre producer’s stack.

Con: You’re bagging it before you’ve even read it. I thought you Libras were supposed to be fair and balanced.

Tammy: It’s just not a top idea. A play about a bottom – now that has legs.

Con crosses his arms and turns away.

Con: It’s not easy being a condom, you know. I get rolled down the length of a penis and shafted into a vagina. Sometimes I even get shoved up a butthole! I don’t care if it’s four degrees warmer up there, it’s disgusting! My life can be really shitty.

Tammy: True, that is pretty gay. But do you think I have it easy? At least you get used in acts of love; I have to sop up red blood cells and bits of old egg. “Oops, I’m soiling the carpet again. I’ll just shove Tammy up the ol’ fur pie.”

Con: Bleeding hell, it doesn’t even compare.

Tammy: No?! You ever been flushed down the toilet?

Con: Millions of times.

Tammy: On a boat? Stuck in the plumbing for three days, spat out into the ocean and swallowed by a shark? That ever happen to you?

Con: Ever been blown up like a balloon and bashed around at a rock concert?

Tammy: Anyone ever forgotten you were inside them for an entire week?

Con: You’re an idiot if you think you can outdo me.

Tammy: You’re stuffed in the head.

Con: Whatever. You’re an idiot.

Tammy: Yeah? Well you’re an enormous boob!

Con and Tammy glare at each other, then Con starts snickering. Tammy frowns, then realises what she’s said and starts snickering too.

Tammy: Oh my, I called you an “enormous boob.”

Con: I racked my brains for hours and didn’t think of that one. I’m going to use it in my play!

Tammy: Ooh, ooh! They go outside and Pamela says, “It’s a bit nippy out here!”

They both laugh.

Con: Now things are getting titillating.

Tammy: I can hardly keep abreast of all these new developments!

Con: You’re a natural. What else have you got?

Tammy: We could write one about a pair of testicles. Ron goes nuts because he ballsed up at work and got the sack. He runs away and leaves Jeremy hanging.

Con: Or your cheeky idea of a play about a bum. A real smart arse called Fanny, who’s never the butt of a joke.

Tammy: Would the anus be involved?

Con: You really want to go there?

Suddenly, the Cockgina leaps on from offstage. It shuffles over, walking erectly with feet together and knees spread wide. A theatrical character.

Cockgina: Enough! Enough puns!

Tammy: Who are you?

Cockgina: I am the Cockgina. Half cock, half vagina. I come from the Union of Body Parts and I’m here to stop these horrible puns.

Con: On whose authority?

Cockgina: Mine! I am the department head.

Tammy: Where did you come from?

Cockgina: (outraged) Are you tryingto provoke me?

Tammy: That was a perfectly innocent question!

Cockgina: Us body parts have had it up to here (indicates midpoint) with this mockery.

Con: What cockery?

Cockgina: What?!

Con: (innocently) What?

Cockgina: I’ll tear you a new one, sonny.

Con: Yeah? And then what? You want the person using me to give someone herpes? VD is nothing to clap about, you know.

Cockgina: Listen, you two, this has to stop. Puns are the lowest form of wit.

Tammy: I think that’s sarcasm.

Cockgina: No, I mean it.

Tammy: I meant that the expression is supposed to start with “sarcasm.”

Cockgina: Why would I say any of it sarcastically if I mean it?

Con: Are we really going to do this?

Tammy: What do you want from us anyway, Dickgina?

Cockgina: It’s Cockgina. I want your commitment to end these horrible puns.

Con: Why? What’s wrong with puns?

Cockgina: They’re unsophisticated and unfunny. They neither educate nor amuse and are therefore a waste of words.

Tammy: I don’t know about that. Con’s play gave me a titter.

Cockgina: Play?

Con: I’m writing a play about breasts.

Cockgina: But why? What’s the point of breasts?

Con: They’re a laugh.

Cockgina: I hardly think so.

Tammy: I think you have no sense of humour, Cockgina. You hate puns because you don’t even get them.

Cockgina: Not true.

Tammy: You’re just a giant wang.

Con: A big twat.

Tammy: A huge knob.

Con: A mammoth c-

Cockgina: Enough! You want to know why I despise puns? Because they’re rarely done well. If you’re going to get points from puns you had better be a master.

Con: And I suppose you’re a master, are you?

Cockgina: As it so happens, I am. Could outpun the world’s quickest man. (expectant pause) As in outrun. Fastest being either speed-wise or wit-wise.

Tammy: We got it, Cockvulva.

Con: It just wasn’t very good.

Cockgina: It’s Cockgina. And fine, I’ll play rough. You’re writing a play about breasts?

Con: Correct.

Cockgina: Did they have a nip of gin and get a bit titsy? Anyone set a booby trap? Did one say, “You’re my breast friend. Whoops, Freudian nip”?

Con: Well, not yet, but…

Cockgina: Have you got a pun on gazongas?

Con: No.

Cockgina: There’s only one, and you’ll never get it.

Tammy: We had ideas for other body parts.

Cockgina: Such as?

Tammy: A butt and some balls.

Cockgina: Are all of your script ideas vulgar?

Con: What’s wrong with vulgar?

Cockgina: It’s lowbrow. Scripts need to have depth and drama, like, a man is under the witness protection program, and his wife discovers his past when the six-year-old mobster Johnny Pacino comes looking for a buried heroin stash, then the husband has to impersonate a child to get into Pacino’s primary school to take his girlfriend hostage.

Tammy: I’d go see that.

Con: Bore-ring. I’d be more interested in a poo who’s trying to escape from the toilet before he gets flushed.

Cockgina: Sounds like craptrap.

Con: (awed) Oh my god, Pricklabia, do you realise what you just said?

Cockgina: Cockgina!

Tammy: Crap trap. “Claptrap” means “nonsense” or “rubbish,” and “crap trap” is trapped crap. That’s a two-in-one pun.

Cockgina: That’s right. And if you’re not that good or better, you really shouldn’t bother.

Con: It’s not that good. I’ve heard far better.

Cockgina: No shit?

Con: That’s right. I’ve even heard clean puns that top that.

Cockgina: Prove it.

Con: Alright. Why can’t pigeons form a military?

Cockgina: This’ll be good.

Con: The government always hears them talking about a “coo.”

Tammy laughs. Cockgina is unimpressed.

Cockgina: Mine was better.

Con: Nuh uh.

Cockgina: You really think you can outdo me?

Con: Sure.

Cockgina: Fine. We’ll have a pun-off. The tampon will pick a topic and adjudicate. I can trust your objectivity, tampon?

Tammy: I am an object.

Cockgina: If I win, you will never utter another pun about body parts in your life.

Con: Deal. And if I win, you have to smell my farts, and you have to enjoy them.

Cockgina: Deal.

Con and the Cockgina eyeball each other.

Cockgina: Tampon, what’s the topic?

Tammy: Um, well, it should be something we’re all familiar with. What about vaginas?

Con: Too easy. I know them intimately.

Cockgina: And I’m half vagina! (to Con) You’re going down.

Con: Ooh, really? Not afraid you’ll muff this up?

Cockgina: I cunt see that happening.

Con and Tammy exchange a look.

Tammy: Did you just say…?

Cockgina: Cunt? I did indeed. If you’re doing vagina puns it has to be no holes barred.

Con: Isn’t that crossing the line?

Cockgina: What line? Cunt say I’ve ever heard of one. I cunt imagine why I cunt say cunt when I’m talking about them.

Tammy: The C-word is out of bounds.

Cockgina: Only for pussies. At The Vagina Monologues they made the audience sing a song replacing every single word with “cunt.”

Con: I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this.

Cockgina: A true pun master will go anywhere.

Con: I… I can’t…

Cockgina: Looks like I’m the winner, condom. You are officially banned from making your vacuous puns. Let this be a lesson to you: if you can’t outdo the Cockgina, you might as well go home.

Cockgina starts to leave the stage.

Con: Go fuck yourself!

Cockgina: I’m half penis, half vagina. What else am I going to do?

The Cockgina leaves.

Con: I lost. I couldn’t out-pun the Cockgina.

Tammy: I don’t think many could.

Con: So I guess Knock Knock, Knockers will never see the stage.

Tammy: Maybe it’s for the best. Let those wanky theatre people watch something with more substance than a pair of tits on stage.

Con: (sighs) So what do I do now? Sit in a packet and wait for some guy to get horny?

Tammy: That is your destiny. (pause) But hey, you feel like a drink?

Con: I’d love to get a stiff one into me right now.

Tammy puts her arm around Con and they walk off stage together.

Tammy: Come on, my friend. Let’s go back to my…pad.

They exit.

Rei 03-07-2011 07:15 PM

Wow. That's all I have to say. Wow.

PeteMalicki 03-08-2011 01:44 AM


Originally Posted by Rei (Post 399276)
Wow. That's all I have to say. Wow.

I'm not sure if that's a "wow, you're pathetic" or "wow, I've never seen that many awful puns in a satire of awful puns," but I'm taking it as a compliment either way.


Hilee Coco 03-08-2011 05:26 AM

That was disgusting and cringe-inducing.
But it did a very good job of distracting me for 10 minutes from the shit in my life.

Rei 03-08-2011 05:38 AM

Anything that holds my attention for more than two minutes on the computer can't be badly written. I am not a fan of this kind of humour, but I'm sure than anyone who is a fan will love it.

PeteMalicki 03-08-2011 12:33 PM

FYI, this is my protest against all the plays out there written about body parts, which I find to be a fairly naff and overdone idea...

SophiVengeance 03-08-2011 12:44 PM

That was the punniest thing I read this week.

Oh wait, don't take my word for it. I'm just a teenager who thinks yelling out vulgar words and certain anatomical parts is hilarious. :p

Hilee Coco 03-09-2011 04:44 PM

Apparently I'm less worldly than you, Pete, because I've never heard of any plays about body parts.

PeteMalicki 03-09-2011 04:47 PM

It's a 10 minute play thing. I'm involved with Short+Sweet, the largest festival of said in the world, and it's a very common script idea. They're always mildly amusing, but never quite there.


Jinjonator 05-10-2011 08:42 PM

I honestly don't know what my opinion is on this. I either like it or I don't like it, and I'm not sure which. Both? Maybe?

Certainly a very dense compendium of puns. A compundium, even.

No? Okay, I'll go now.

PeteMalicki 05-11-2011 05:04 AM

I don't know whether I love or hate it, and I wrote it!

It's meant to be a satire on all the body part plays which dominate the 10 minute theatre form. I'm more or less trying to set the benchmark for the genre!

No one likes half-hearted.

JP_Inkswell 12-05-2011 08:36 AM

You are giving the rest of us a golden opportunity to elevate ourselves above the mean by thinking of puns about body parts that are not sexually oriented, which feat I have been notably unable to accomplish in the last twenty minutes or so.

Lebo 12-19-2011 11:57 AM

Pundifferus ... A fun 'rompy' ride down the path of human sexuality ... I've done the 'C' monologue many times and
found it quite freeing. Thanks for the chuckle.

PeteMalicki 12-19-2011 03:52 PM

Glad you liked it, Lebo.


Matty T 02-27-2012 10:19 AM

It definitely won me over by the time cockgina showed up

PeteMalicki 02-27-2012 12:27 PM

I want to see someone make these costumes one day!

MPeterson 05-30-2012 05:40 PM

I thought it was hilarious.

JazZ 10-25-2012 03:28 AM

The human body is more intriguing to me than disgusting. Just not the insides... blood's never freaked me out, but not really into guts. I'd have a good disposition for a doctor otherwise.

On topic... moreso, that is; I thought this was genuinely humorous.
Dries up a time or two, but only to be refreshed with another good one. Quite possibly the quintessential guilty pleasure.

PeteMalicki 10-25-2012 02:04 PM

Glad you liked it. I've actually been paid royalties for it to be performed! Ha! I think it's pretty terrible personally...


Chris Parkes 04-08-2014 02:24 AM

It held my attention and that's pretty damn good. But it may have been because I was waiting to see how bad the puns would get. I wasn't disappointed.

PeteMalicki 04-08-2014 05:38 AM

If there's one thing I hate, it's disappointing people with good quality puns!


CandyCane 04-08-2014 08:22 AM

brilliant, I don't have the expertise to crit it, except maybe it needs more actions? Hilarious though.

PeteMalicki 04-08-2014 02:50 PM

Thanks CandyCane. Hmm, well, I've only seen it staged once in a reading (which was fairly cringe worthy) so it's hard to say what a good director might be able to do in terms of injecting action, but yes, I think that's a good point. It could certainly use something like that in the script...


sdenyer 04-10-2014 03:44 PM

I think this piece is loose and free from all human constraints, liberating.
The visuals are hysterical.

Jenzie2786 04-17-2014 09:33 AM

Not bad. You can't go wrong with a good pun. I think exploring the dyamic between a good pun and a bad one would be worth watching. For example, "booby" traps is still funnier than Cockgina. Anyway. Still worth a read.

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