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Search: Posts Made By: IanG
Forum: Fiction 12-07-2017, 03:00 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 198
Posted By IanG
Try 'let them stay, they've proved their worth...

Try 'let them stay, they've proved their worth and anything you can say to me you may say to them,' rather than 'they're mine.' That doesn't seem like reason enough on its own to let them stay, a...
Forum: Fiction 11-23-2017, 01:24 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 282
Posted By IanG
Perhaps it would be better to start with her...

Perhaps it would be better to start with her going over the advice for survival in her mind, then move on to the comments about tweeny masters and neuromacy. The former is more recognisable, easier...
Forum: Fiction 10-30-2017, 05:09 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 358
Posted By IanG
Try 'we had gathered around a fire, but its...

Try 'we had gathered around a fire, but its meagre heat was nowhere near enough to warm us.

A brutal blizzard had blown around our village for months.

'Keen me and my sister' should read...
Forum: Fiction 10-20-2017, 07:24 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 281
Posted By IanG
You build tension and atmosphere very well here,...

You build tension and atmosphere very well here, and I like the touch of ambiguity at the end -are these things really closing in or is the narrator having a panic attack? Good work.
Forum: Fiction 10-19-2017, 04:07 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 765
Posted By IanG
This is a topical piece following recent events,...

This is a topical piece following recent events, and its a good metaphore of the haircut and the shoes. The idea of him rooting for the storm and trying to justify his approach is only too believable.
Forum: Fiction 09-24-2017, 10:54 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 423
Posted By IanG
Thank you for taking the trouble to write this...

Thank you for taking the trouble to write this critique. I've done some editing to take account of points you raised. I put in the bit about the men going to jail because I didn't want Amber to be a...
Forum: Fiction 09-20-2017, 05:08 AM
Replies: 9
Views: 471
Posted By IanG
Could you hint that Mitchell appears respectable...

Could you hint that Mitchell appears respectable to most people, and has concealed his crimes for a long time? This has happened in real life cases of abuse of minors and people with special needs. ...
Forum: Fiction 09-18-2017, 09:29 AM
Replies: 9
Views: 615
Posted By IanG
If English is your second language then its hard...

If English is your second language then its hard to tell, you handle it well.
Forum: Fiction 09-17-2017, 12:11 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 423
Posted By IanG
My Brother Terry

This is my first attempt at a ghost story. Any comments would be welcome.

Britain, 1943

Terry's mouth dried up and the blood drained from his cheeks. A man was aiming a revolver at him. This...
Forum: Fiction 09-06-2017, 05:06 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 340
Posted By IanG
There are some mistakes here, like 'the women was...

There are some mistakes here, like 'the women was still there.' It should be either 'women were still there' or 'the woman was still there.' By the context I think it should be the latter. Also, you...
Forum: Fiction 08-24-2017, 07:34 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 801
Posted By IanG
If Wyzerd falls to his death by accident while...

If Wyzerd falls to his death by accident while being chased, perhaps then you could leave the shooting out. If he tried to hang on to a parapet but fell just as someone reached out a hand to him,...
Forum: Fiction 08-10-2017, 05:58 AM
Replies: 19
Views: 1,570
Posted By IanG
Rabbit, not everyone is disagreeing with you. ...

Rabbit, not everyone is disagreeing with you. You gave me a critique some time ago and, though it was brief, I found it very supportive. Nick also seemed to like it so perhaps you agree on some...
Forum: Fiction 08-10-2017, 05:42 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 370
Posted By IanG
Mood pieces are not usually my thing, but this...

Mood pieces are not usually my thing, but this one is vivid and poetic. I like the way you reversed 'colour of absence, the absence of colour..' The paint on canvas metaphor was good too.
Forum: Fiction 08-03-2017, 02:36 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 610
Posted By IanG
I like your descriptive style, contemporary...

I like your descriptive style, contemporary issues and plausible characterisation. Good luck with this.
Forum: Fiction 07-25-2017, 04:11 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 471
Posted By IanG
There could be more suspense here. If you...

There could be more suspense here. If you describe people emerging from a cave in a state of terror or with injuries not normally sustained while caving, then bring in the dead girl later, that's...
Forum: Fiction 07-11-2017, 02:30 AM
Replies: 9
Views: 1,067
Posted By IanG
I like the puss metaphor. I'd never have thought...

I like the puss metaphor. I'd never have thought of it myself but it works in this context. This is an atmospheric opening that should grip a lot of people.
Forum: Fiction 07-07-2017, 07:07 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 537
Posted By IanG
Warrior's Gold second draft

Thank you for your comment, I've added an explanation to the text. I've used these characters in other stories where I explained things, but I should have mentioned it again for the benefit of new...
Forum: Fiction 07-06-2017, 01:15 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 537
Posted By IanG
Warrior's Gold, second draft.

When I did the first draft for this story, I wasn't sure about the beginning. It didn't seem to be doing so well as other stories that came on at the same time, so I wondered if the start was too...
Forum: Fiction 06-27-2017, 01:03 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 455
Posted By IanG
Have you read 'The Red Tent' by Anita Diamant? ...

Have you read 'The Red Tent' by Anita Diamant? Its not about Jesus but it is an unusual twist on a well-known Bible story. Perhaps it won't appeal to every male reader but it makes you think, are...
Forum: Fiction 06-25-2017, 04:08 AM
Replies: 0
Views: 329
Posted By IanG
Warrior's Gold

The woodland looked natural to visitors, but it had been planted but humans long ago. One spring morning a group of men entered those woods, carrying tools and leading horses, recalling ghost...
Forum: Fiction 06-08-2017, 04:13 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 954
Posted By IanG
Would he have left his payslip out on the desk?...

Would he have left his payslip out on the desk? He could soon have placed it in a drawer. If he's spending a fortune on a new car or on his family and no one else can afford to, that would indicate...
Forum: Fiction 05-23-2017, 04:07 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 601
Posted By IanG
That's fair enough then. Good luck with the...

That's fair enough then. Good luck with the contest.
Forum: Fiction 05-22-2017, 04:09 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 601
Posted By IanG
Is anyone bringing the captive food or drink? If...

Is anyone bringing the captive food or drink? If so doe he see them but they don't speak or show their faces, or is it done when he's asleep or unconscious due to stress and fatigue? If not he...
Forum: Fiction 04-30-2017, 11:57 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 700
Posted By IanG
I'm not very young but I've been under stress...

I'm not very young but I've been under stress recently, which perhaps shows in the writing. I think I tried too hard to make it bright as a reaction against that. Thanks for a constructive critique,...
Forum: Fiction 04-20-2017, 04:04 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 746
Posted By IanG
I don't agree that we should be writing 'said'...

I don't agree that we should be writing 'said' most of the time. The English language is noted for its rich vocabulary so let's make use of it. Some will critisise you for repeating words too much...
Showing results 1 to 25 of 484

 

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