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Search: Posts Made By: IanG
Forum: Fiction 07-13-2018, 07:28 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 125
Posted By IanG
You have an interesting premise here, but could...

You have an interesting premise here, but could you go deeper? Do these souls experience culture shocks on their journey through time? Do they have regrets? Perhaps they quarrelled in one or more...
Forum: Fiction 07-02-2018, 05:41 AM
Replies: 10
Views: 846
Posted By IanG
The name came from the title of a documentary on...

The name came from the title of a documentary on T.V. I was looking for an Asian name I liked the sound of, and Samia caught my eye. Yes I meant vignette.
Forum: Fiction 07-02-2018, 01:08 AM
Replies: 10
Views: 846
Posted By IanG
The birds are to do with the setting. This is...

The birds are to do with the setting. This is set on a cliff top and the birds in question often nest or roost on cliffs as it protects them from predators. Ravens feed on dry land but will nest on...
Forum: Fiction 07-01-2018, 07:26 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 195
Posted By IanG
I like the opening, it drew me in well. It...

I like the opening, it drew me in well. It requires a lot of speculation by the reader, but some people like that touch of mystery. Thanks for sharing it.
Forum: Fiction 06-20-2018, 06:49 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 528
Posted By IanG
This is a plausible scenario and you evoke it...

This is a plausible scenario and you evoke it well. I like the term 'slim building' but you don't come up with with any vivid phrases like that when describing the interior of the flat. Too much...
Forum: Fiction 06-12-2018, 12:05 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 465
Posted By IanG
Could you make more of a contrast between the two...

Could you make more of a contrast between the two couples dancing? Perhaps they don't like each other at first but then revise their opinions for one reason or another. Or maybe the other way round. ...
Forum: Fiction 05-16-2018, 12:02 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 810
Posted By IanG
The premise is interesting but so far we have...

The premise is interesting but so far we have only one viewpoint, that of the rulers. If you could give us the viewpoint of the oppressed and make one or some of them interesting characters then it...
Forum: Fiction 05-03-2018, 03:11 AM
Replies: 10
Views: 846
Posted By IanG
Thanks for your critiques everyone, I've done...

Thanks for your critiques everyone, I've done some editing in response to them.
Forum: Fiction 04-29-2018, 10:41 AM
Replies: 10
Views: 846
Posted By IanG
Thanks for your critique. I got the idea from a...

Thanks for your critique. I got the idea from a documentary on TV called 'Saving Lives at Sea.' I put my fictional characters into a situation similar to one on the show and put a fictional twist...
Forum: Fiction 04-28-2018, 08:08 AM
Replies: 10
Views: 846
Posted By IanG
Samia

Two people, a married couple, were asking questions in anxious tones. They stood at the counter of a seaside cafe, talking to its owner and her waitresses. After a short time the couple left the...
Forum: Fiction 04-26-2018, 07:09 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 703
Posted By IanG
I like this story, its plausible and rendered...

I like this story, its plausible and rendered with a humerous touch. I'm not a parent but Sophie's fear of spiders reminded me of a friend's child who also had that fear.
Forum: Fiction 04-18-2018, 01:01 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 1,039
Posted By IanG
Try a full stop after 'teeming with possibility.'...

Try a full stop after 'teeming with possibility.' It reads as if the next part should be a new sentence. Third rate is two words not one.

The metephore of prickly thoughts is good.
Forum: Fiction 04-06-2018, 07:40 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 1,576
Posted By IanG
Thanks for your comments, I've taken them into...

Thanks for your comments, I've taken them into account and edited the begining.
Forum: Fiction 04-05-2018, 02:53 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 1,576
Posted By IanG
I've done some editing to take account of your...

I've done some editing to take account of your various comments. Thanks to all of you for taking the trouble to critique this piece.
Forum: Fiction 04-04-2018, 03:01 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 1,576
Posted By IanG
Thanks for all your comments, I'll give them some...

Thanks for all your comments, I'll give them some thought and then come back to this story.
Forum: Fiction 04-03-2018, 02:58 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 1,576
Posted By IanG
How would you two have paced it?

How would you two have paced it?
Forum: Fiction 04-02-2018, 01:25 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 1,576
Posted By IanG
Billy's Kitten

It was early morning and, as dawn sun lurked between pitched roofs there was no hint of what the day would bring. Rob Horan drove down the street, stopped his van and pipped the horn. He kept the...
Forum: Fiction 04-02-2018, 01:21 AM
Replies: 17
Views: 2,266
Posted By IanG
No, I was commenting on Lewdog's post. Please...

No, I was commenting on Lewdog's post. Please accept my apologies if I wasn't supposed to do that.
Forum: Fiction 03-29-2018, 02:59 AM
Replies: 17
Views: 2,266
Posted By IanG
Its an interesting story about the barbed wire...

Its an interesting story about the barbed wire and the gun killing grandad; sad but interesting too. I understand those mixed feelings. Many people have wondered what if something in their life had...
Forum: Fiction 03-18-2018, 09:09 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 1,455
Posted By IanG
You created a haunting image of the seven...

You created a haunting image of the seven figures. Its certainly true that many dreams fade quickly from memory, yet a few we remember for a long time.
Forum: Fiction 03-01-2018, 12:08 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 1,186
Posted By IanG
Try and put spaces between all the paragraphs as...

Try and put spaces between all the paragraphs as its easier to read, especially when you change from third person to first person. Meagre farmer is a bit jarring as meagre usually refers to a...
Forum: Fiction 02-28-2018, 11:46 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 1,093
Posted By IanG
Perhaps Jamal would worry, by his father's...

Perhaps Jamal would worry, by his father's deathbed, as to whether he can carry out his father's wishes in a secular society, whether regarding the funeral or regarding living a good life after that....
Forum: Fiction 02-21-2018, 03:06 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 685
Posted By IanG
Have you thought of 'buffalo king' for a title?...

Have you thought of 'buffalo king' for a title? There are buffalo in Africa, thought a different species to the American buffalo (or bison). It evokes something large and powerful better than...
Forum: Fiction 02-20-2018, 04:08 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 685
Posted By IanG
You evoke the setting very well, especially at...

You evoke the setting very well, especially at the beginning. The term 'elk king' seemed a little odd as elk live in the northern continents and your story is rooted in the southern continents,...
Forum: Fiction 02-15-2018, 03:11 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 528
Posted By IanG
Interesting premise but you could've done a bit...

Interesting premise but you could've done a bit more with it. What was Veronica's motive for being unfaithful? Is all the blame on one side? Her infidelity just drops out of the sky here. We...
Showing results 1 to 25 of 500

 

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