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Search: Posts Made By: IanG
Forum: Fiction 05-16-2018, 12:02 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 223
Posted By IanG
The premise is interesting but so far we have...

The premise is interesting but so far we have only one viewpoint, that of the rulers. If you could give us the viewpoint of the oppressed and make one or some of them interesting characters then it...
Forum: Fiction 05-03-2018, 03:11 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 339
Posted By IanG
Thanks for your critiques everyone, I've done...

Thanks for your critiques everyone, I've done some editing in response to them.
Forum: Fiction 04-29-2018, 10:41 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 339
Posted By IanG
Thanks for your critique. I got the idea from a...

Thanks for your critique. I got the idea from a documentary on TV called 'Saving Lives at Sea.' I put my fictional characters into a situation similar to one on the show and put a fictional twist...
Forum: Fiction 04-28-2018, 08:08 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 339
Posted By IanG
Samia

Two people, a married couple, were asking questions in anxious tones. They stood at the counter of a seaside cafe, talking to its owner and her waitresses. After a short time the couple left the...
Forum: Fiction 04-26-2018, 07:09 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 309
Posted By IanG
I like this story, its plausible and rendered...

I like this story, its plausible and rendered with a humerous touch. I'm not a parent but Sophie's fear of spiders reminded me of a friend's child who also had that fear.
Forum: Fiction 04-18-2018, 01:01 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 616
Posted By IanG
Try a full stop after 'teeming with possibility.'...

Try a full stop after 'teeming with possibility.' It reads as if the next part should be a new sentence. Third rate is two words not one.

The metephore of prickly thoughts is good.
Forum: Fiction 04-06-2018, 07:40 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 936
Posted By IanG
Thanks for your comments, I've taken them into...

Thanks for your comments, I've taken them into account and edited the begining.
Forum: Fiction 04-05-2018, 02:53 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 936
Posted By IanG
I've done some editing to take account of your...

I've done some editing to take account of your various comments. Thanks to all of you for taking the trouble to critique this piece.
Forum: Fiction 04-04-2018, 03:01 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 936
Posted By IanG
Thanks for all your comments, I'll give them some...

Thanks for all your comments, I'll give them some thought and then come back to this story.
Forum: Fiction 04-03-2018, 02:58 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 936
Posted By IanG
How would you two have paced it?

How would you two have paced it?
Forum: Fiction 04-02-2018, 01:25 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 936
Posted By IanG
Billy's Kitten

It was early morning and, as dawn sun lurked between pitched roofs there was no hint of what the day would bring. Rob Horan drove down the street, stopped his van and pipped the horn. He kept the...
Forum: Fiction 04-02-2018, 01:21 AM
Replies: 17
Views: 1,707
Posted By IanG
No, I was commenting on Lewdog's post. Please...

No, I was commenting on Lewdog's post. Please accept my apologies if I wasn't supposed to do that.
Forum: Fiction 03-29-2018, 02:59 AM
Replies: 17
Views: 1,707
Posted By IanG
Its an interesting story about the barbed wire...

Its an interesting story about the barbed wire and the gun killing grandad; sad but interesting too. I understand those mixed feelings. Many people have wondered what if something in their life had...
Forum: Fiction 03-18-2018, 09:09 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 1,008
Posted By IanG
You created a haunting image of the seven...

You created a haunting image of the seven figures. Its certainly true that many dreams fade quickly from memory, yet a few we remember for a long time.
Forum: Fiction 03-01-2018, 12:08 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 772
Posted By IanG
Try and put spaces between all the paragraphs as...

Try and put spaces between all the paragraphs as its easier to read, especially when you change from third person to first person. Meagre farmer is a bit jarring as meagre usually refers to a...
Forum: Fiction 02-28-2018, 11:46 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 719
Posted By IanG
Perhaps Jamal would worry, by his father's...

Perhaps Jamal would worry, by his father's deathbed, as to whether he can carry out his father's wishes in a secular society, whether regarding the funeral or regarding living a good life after that....
Forum: Fiction 02-21-2018, 03:06 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 579
Posted By IanG
Have you thought of 'buffalo king' for a title?...

Have you thought of 'buffalo king' for a title? There are buffalo in Africa, thought a different species to the American buffalo (or bison). It evokes something large and powerful better than...
Forum: Fiction 02-20-2018, 04:08 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 579
Posted By IanG
You evoke the setting very well, especially at...

You evoke the setting very well, especially at the beginning. The term 'elk king' seemed a little odd as elk live in the northern continents and your story is rooted in the southern continents,...
Forum: Fiction 02-15-2018, 03:11 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 414
Posted By IanG
Interesting premise but you could've done a bit...

Interesting premise but you could've done a bit more with it. What was Veronica's motive for being unfaithful? Is all the blame on one side? Her infidelity just drops out of the sky here. We...
Forum: Fiction 02-12-2018, 12:18 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 557
Posted By IanG
The idea of scepticism sounds good to me.

The idea of scepticism sounds good to me.
Forum: Fiction 02-11-2018, 02:14 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 557
Posted By IanG
As it stands I ask why did the men not know that...

As it stands I ask why did the men not know that its bad luck or taboo to kill a giant snake? If its that important then they should have been told about it from childhood. If they've killed a...
Forum: Fiction 01-31-2018, 03:14 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 633
Posted By IanG
Thanks to all of you for reading and critiquing...

Thanks to all of you for reading and critiquing this story.

Honeker's prejudice was against deaf people rather than all British people. I imagined him coming to Britain not knowing that the...
Forum: Fiction 01-29-2018, 03:06 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 633
Posted By IanG
This is Germany in the late 19th century, soon...

This is Germany in the late 19th century, soon after it was unified. The prejudices the Nazis adopted had been around for some time, in the case of anti Semitism for centuries, the Nazis took them...
Forum: Fiction 01-20-2018, 05:29 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 405
Posted By IanG
You could describe mixed emotions in Sally when...

You could describe mixed emotions in Sally when the bird takes her scarf. I get it that she likes to see the mother looking after her brood, but if she feels sorry for loosing it, just for a moment,...
Forum: Fiction 01-09-2018, 04:08 AM
Replies: 20
Views: 573
Posted By IanG
This piece started well, but if you want people...

This piece started well, but if you want people to keep reading then don't give too much away too soon. Also, perhaps you should mention a case where your heroine had a vision and it came true soon...
Showing results 1 to 25 of 500

 

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