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Search: Posts Made By: neuliest
Forum: Lyrics 11-08-2016, 10:39 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 482
Posted By neuliest
Accidental Beauty Thing

Do you think it might flow better if I cut
"let me ask who you saw before you jumped onto these tracks"

and replaced with

"broken bottle, shard of glass
casting back across these tracks"
?...
Forum: Lyrics 11-07-2016, 01:48 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 482
Posted By neuliest
Accidental Beauty Thing

Accidental beauty queen
Burnin up with your kerosene
Cut the lines and then we’ll breathe
Spin your heels for the world to see

Accidental beauty king
Burnin up with your kerosene
Light the...
Forum: Research Section 10-04-2016, 06:05 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 3,131
Posted By neuliest
I agree with Non Serviam. Writing to your target...

I agree with Non Serviam. Writing to your target audience is a solid piece of advice. Teens are diverse. And I think teen activities will vary based on demographics. That said, I live with two...
Forum: Fiction 10-04-2016, 05:09 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 787
Posted By neuliest
Trapped! That's how I felt after reading this...

Trapped! That's how I felt after reading this story. In a good way. I wouldn't pick the writing apart even if it had a million mistakes because the style and mood killed! Also in a good way :)
Forum: Fiction 10-03-2016, 05:15 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 715
Posted By neuliest
Thank you IanG! I made the changes you suggested.

Thank you IanG! I made the changes you suggested.
Forum: Research Section 10-02-2016, 02:44 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 3,131
Posted By neuliest
What time period are you referring to? Teen...

What time period are you referring to? Teen behavior has changed over the decades. I can offer insight into modern teen behavior, 2010-today.
Forum: Tips & Advice 10-02-2016, 11:30 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 1,797
Posted By neuliest
Icon7 Your protagonist can possess qualities of a...

Your protagonist can possess qualities of a loaner, extreme introvert, reserved intellectual or recluse. Take a look at some of the great lead introverts from books you may have read. My favorites...
Forum: Fiction 10-01-2016, 05:29 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 715
Posted By neuliest
working on action scene, requesting commentary

Ramping up for the enemy as their footsteps become louder, and as I approach the final escape route, I place the device on a square tile and press ARM.

Then the air explodes.

I am instantly...
Forum: Fiction 10-01-2016, 01:54 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 621
Posted By neuliest
I like David. He's a risk taker, a thinker and...

I like David. He's a risk taker, a thinker and active protagonist so props to your MC. I'm afraid I cannot say much to the sub genre as I typically don't read fantasy. I did get a mid-evil feel from...
Forum: Fiction 09-30-2016, 06:48 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 455
Posted By neuliest
Water on the Sun

Under pressure. Under Fareena’s silky sprawled legs whose lengths I may never escape, I’m praying for some kind of miracle. Above sits the fog she’s created to keep spirits away and the more I try...
Forum: Fiction 09-30-2016, 03:11 PM
Replies: 15
Views: 1,746
Posted By neuliest
I enjoyed reading your piece. I felt drawn to the...

I enjoyed reading your piece. I felt drawn to the isolation of Rory and her/his peers as well as their bleak circumstance. I also like that you established a goal for your MC early on. (some writers...
Forum: Fiction 09-30-2016, 12:04 PM
Replies: 4
Views: 694
Posted By neuliest
You have written some great lines in here. My...

You have written some great lines in here. My favorites being,

…an unholy parade of horrors silently following his lead
and
…Drive someone to the brink and they might do something that gets them...
Forum: Fiction 09-30-2016, 10:37 AM
Replies: 2
Views: 673
Posted By neuliest
Twisted and Knotted

Charlie leaned heavily against the damp wood slab, hands pressed over ears, eyes close to shut, fighting against the noise and exhaustion until there was little fight left. Gravity pushed and pushed...
Forum: Tips & Advice 09-30-2016, 10:07 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 2,015
Posted By neuliest
I fully support allowing your mind to wander from...

I fully support allowing your mind to wander from one project to the next. Short stories and personal narratives are a satisfying outlet for writers working on larger pieces. You may find (down the...
Forum: Fiction 09-30-2016, 09:58 AM
Replies: 23
Views: 5,058
Posted By neuliest
Fun read! May I suggest leaving out the bit in...

Fun read! May I suggest leaving out the bit in the beginning that clues readers in to Amanda's nickname? I feel like that would add greater punch to the climax. (when she figures out James is the...
Forum: Writing Help & Issues 09-29-2016, 12:56 PM
Replies: 12
Views: 3,554
Posted By neuliest
I think you would have a better shot at readers...

I think you would have a better shot at readers buying in if say your antagonist

1. had a strong and disturbing backstory that triggers her fantasies and actions
2. make it more about...
Forum: Fiction 09-29-2016, 12:42 PM
Replies: 10
Views: 980
Posted By neuliest
Sounds intense! Would read. I hope the novel...

Sounds intense! Would read. I hope the novel begins in the scene where X is being slammed up against a tree with hands tied over head, followed by a flashback of X and his mother (or someone else he...
Forum: Fiction 09-29-2016, 12:02 PM
Replies: 12
Views: 1,505
Posted By neuliest
Nice imagery here. I am more fond of the second...

Nice imagery here. I am more fond of the second half of your story. (when the bugs arrives) May I suggest starting your story with "The sky pulses like blood" and putting that paragraph first. Am I...
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