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Search: Posts Made By: Phoenix Lazarus
Forum: Fiction 02-18-2018, 08:23 AM
Replies: 0
Views: 327
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Fred's Fifth Favour-Conclusion

Black took another step forwards as the small man cowered. His arm remained lifted, and, as his face came into the light, the other man saw Black was holding his hand, palm-upward, beneath his nose,...
Forum: Fiction 02-15-2018, 08:28 AM
Replies: 62
Views: 2,372
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Puzzling that these two seem to have established...

Puzzling that these two seem to have established a close relationship, yet she does not know he is vegetarian.

You spelt 'kitchen' wrongly as 'kitchin', near the end.

You spell 'crapetarian'...
Forum: Fiction 02-15-2018, 08:16 AM
Replies: 0
Views: 346
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Fred's Fifth Favour-Part Six

Fred turned from the newly opened curtains, and the suburban morning tableau they revealed. Morning shower first; then Toms breakfast, then his own breakfast. Then hed ring his daughter.
...
Forum: Fiction 02-09-2018, 08:11 AM
Replies: 1
Views: 406
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Just bumping this as have had no comment on it...

Just bumping this as have had no comment on it yet and have just posted successor instalment.
Forum: Fiction 02-09-2018, 08:10 AM
Replies: 0
Views: 273
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Fred's Fifth Favour-Part Five (REPLACES OTHER THREAD)

Now wearing pyjamas in bed, Fred pulled up the duvet and lay back. The mattress was soft, sheets silky and lovely to touch, and fresh and pleasantly and gently soapy, almost mildly perfumed, in...
Forum: Fiction 02-08-2018, 12:27 PM
Replies: 2
Views: 297
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Still an interesting and wry tale so far.

Still an interesting and wry tale so far.
Forum: Fiction 02-07-2018, 11:50 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 368
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Still think you should have described him in some...

Still think you should have described him in some way at the start, even if only very basically, to make the reader relate to him more.
Forum: Fiction 02-07-2018, 11:32 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 553
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
That's right, except Fred is actually next door...

That's right, except Fred is actually next door to Sally.
Forum: Fiction 02-07-2018, 09:21 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 368
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
I find this an interesting beginning to this...

I find this an interesting beginning to this story. My main criticism is lack of description of the main character.
Forum: Fiction 02-06-2018, 01:08 PM
Replies: 1
Views: 406
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Fred's Fifth Favour-Part Four (REPLACES OTHER THREAD)

At five to four, Fred left his house wearing a smart black shoulder bag.

As he approached her front door, Sally opened it, carrying her own travel bag in one hand.

'Reporting for duty,...
Forum: Fiction 02-05-2018, 10:46 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 404
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
My instant reaction on reading the opening line:...

My instant reaction on reading the opening line: a nicely quirky start that really grabs the attention. A lot of good wry humour throughout. Agree you could do with a line space between each...
Forum: Fiction 02-03-2018, 11:26 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 493
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Yes please.

Yes please.
Forum: Fiction 02-03-2018, 12:32 AM
Replies: 0
Views: 256
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Fred's Fifth Favour-Part Five

Sorry. Have not posted a serial for two-and-a-half years, so forgot the three-pieces-per-seven-days limit. This is my fourth piece in under seven days, so I'm voluntarily deleting this piece till...
Forum: Fiction 02-02-2018, 08:14 PM
Replies: 0
Views: 252
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Fred's Fifth Favour-Part Four

Sorry. Have not posted a serial for two-and-a-half years, so forgot the three-pieces-per-seven-days limit. This is my fourth piece in under seven days, so I'm voluntarily deleting this piece till...
Forum: Fiction 02-02-2018, 07:45 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 493
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
I speak English English. I'm in England.

I speak English English. I'm in England.
Forum: Fiction 02-02-2018, 10:26 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 493
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Fred's Fifth Favour-Part Three

Fred turned down the street. Here, the houses ran in continuous terraces on either side, and there was an air of general shabbiness in the flaking paintwork, cracked brickwork and litter.
...
Forum: Fiction 02-02-2018, 05:43 AM
Replies: 1
Views: 278
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Fred's Fifth Favour-Part Two

A few stops later, Fred alighted from the bus on a road, by a gate of the local park. His destination the road on the other side, Harry entered the park and set off across the expanse of green via...
Forum: Fiction 02-01-2018, 10:00 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 553
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Done some editing with the OP, if anyone who read...

Done some editing with the OP, if anyone who read the original wants to read the rewrite, or if someone who didn't wants to give this one a go.
Forum: Fiction 01-30-2018, 10:33 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 697
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Icon13 The piece is clearly set in England, from the...

The piece is clearly set in England, from the character's names and talk of a trip to Germany.

To get the story clear, Albert Honeker is a German but keeping a shop in England who hates the...
Forum: Fiction 01-30-2018, 10:08 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 1,480
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
'Commie-Muslims?'. Thought the communists tended...

'Commie-Muslims?'. Thought the communists tended to be anti-religion?

Just a thought on your advert script-might possibly be losing the liberal market just a touch, maybe?
Forum: Fiction 01-30-2018, 10:02 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 564
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
I found this visceral and powerful. I like the...

I found this visceral and powerful. I like the shock effect of the sudden violence at the start. Maybe if you led into it a bit more with just a bit of the main character doing something casual and...
Forum: Fiction 01-30-2018, 09:51 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 553
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Fred's Fifth Favour-Part One

FRED'S FIFTH FAVOUR

He was tall, by some inches past the six foot mark. Muscular in a relatively slender way, the sleeves of his immaculate shirt were rolled back from powerful and hairy...
Forum: Fiction 08-08-2017, 11:19 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 1,460
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
But someone else might read the original post...

But someone else might read the original post then the criticism of someone else and learn something from it.

Y'know, just sayin'.
Forum: Fiction 08-06-2017, 08:16 AM
Replies: 0
Views: 443
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
The Fuse Is Lit-Part One

Deleted. Wrong document posted. Trying to find right one.
Forum: Fiction 04-01-2017, 12:39 PM
Replies: 3
Views: 692
Posted By Phoenix Lazarus
Untitled Fragment

'So, you known Mike long, then?'

The younger man spoken to looked as if he was mulling something over, as he stared past the questioner. To the left of the tall, greying man, a female couple by...
Showing results 1 to 25 of 500

 

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