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Search: Posts Made By: IanG
Forum: Fiction Yesterday, 01:01 AM
Replies: 1
Views: 203
Posted By IanG
Try a full stop after 'teeming with possibility.'...

Try a full stop after 'teeming with possibility.' It reads as if the next part should be a new sentence. Third rate is two words not one.

The metephore of prickly thoughts is good.
Forum: Fiction 04-06-2018, 07:40 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 551
Posted By IanG
Thanks for your comments, I've taken them into...

Thanks for your comments, I've taken them into account and edited the begining.
Forum: Fiction 04-05-2018, 02:53 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 551
Posted By IanG
I've done some editing to take account of your...

I've done some editing to take account of your various comments. Thanks to all of you for taking the trouble to critique this piece.
Forum: Fiction 04-04-2018, 03:01 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 551
Posted By IanG
Thanks for all your comments, I'll give them some...

Thanks for all your comments, I'll give them some thought and then come back to this story.
Forum: Fiction 04-03-2018, 02:58 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 551
Posted By IanG
How would you two have paced it?

How would you two have paced it?
Forum: Fiction 04-02-2018, 01:25 AM
Replies: 22
Views: 551
Posted By IanG
Billy's Kitten

It was early morning and, as dawn sun lurked between pitched roofs there was no hint of what the day would bring. Rob Horan drove down the street, stopped his van and pipped the horn. He kept the...
Forum: Fiction 04-02-2018, 01:21 AM
Replies: 17
Views: 1,374
Posted By IanG
No, I was commenting on Lewdog's post. Please...

No, I was commenting on Lewdog's post. Please accept my apologies if I wasn't supposed to do that.
Forum: Fiction 03-29-2018, 02:59 AM
Replies: 17
Views: 1,374
Posted By IanG
Its an interesting story about the barbed wire...

Its an interesting story about the barbed wire and the gun killing grandad; sad but interesting too. I understand those mixed feelings. Many people have wondered what if something in their life had...
Forum: Fiction 03-18-2018, 09:09 AM
Replies: 11
Views: 720
Posted By IanG
You created a haunting image of the seven...

You created a haunting image of the seven figures. Its certainly true that many dreams fade quickly from memory, yet a few we remember for a long time.
Forum: Fiction 03-01-2018, 12:08 AM
Replies: 6
Views: 494
Posted By IanG
Try and put spaces between all the paragraphs as...

Try and put spaces between all the paragraphs as its easier to read, especially when you change from third person to first person. Meagre farmer is a bit jarring as meagre usually refers to a...
Forum: Fiction 02-28-2018, 11:46 PM
Replies: 6
Views: 463
Posted By IanG
Perhaps Jamal would worry, by his father's...

Perhaps Jamal would worry, by his father's deathbed, as to whether he can carry out his father's wishes in a secular society, whether regarding the funeral or regarding living a good life after that....
Forum: Fiction 02-21-2018, 03:06 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 494
Posted By IanG
Have you thought of 'buffalo king' for a title?...

Have you thought of 'buffalo king' for a title? There are buffalo in Africa, thought a different species to the American buffalo (or bison). It evokes something large and powerful better than...
Forum: Fiction 02-20-2018, 04:08 AM
Replies: 7
Views: 494
Posted By IanG
You evoke the setting very well, especially at...

You evoke the setting very well, especially at the beginning. The term 'elk king' seemed a little odd as elk live in the northern continents and your story is rooted in the southern continents,...
Forum: Fiction 02-15-2018, 03:11 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 362
Posted By IanG
Interesting premise but you could've done a bit...

Interesting premise but you could've done a bit more with it. What was Veronica's motive for being unfaithful? Is all the blame on one side? Her infidelity just drops out of the sky here. We...
Forum: Fiction 02-12-2018, 12:18 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 476
Posted By IanG
The idea of scepticism sounds good to me.

The idea of scepticism sounds good to me.
Forum: Fiction 02-11-2018, 02:14 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 476
Posted By IanG
As it stands I ask why did the men not know that...

As it stands I ask why did the men not know that its bad luck or taboo to kill a giant snake? If its that important then they should have been told about it from childhood. If they've killed a...
Forum: Fiction 01-31-2018, 03:14 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 542
Posted By IanG
Thanks to all of you for reading and critiquing...

Thanks to all of you for reading and critiquing this story.

Honeker's prejudice was against deaf people rather than all British people. I imagined him coming to Britain not knowing that the...
Forum: Fiction 01-29-2018, 03:06 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 542
Posted By IanG
This is Germany in the late 19th century, soon...

This is Germany in the late 19th century, soon after it was unified. The prejudices the Nazis adopted had been around for some time, in the case of anti Semitism for centuries, the Nazis took them...
Forum: Fiction 01-20-2018, 05:29 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 359
Posted By IanG
You could describe mixed emotions in Sally when...

You could describe mixed emotions in Sally when the bird takes her scarf. I get it that she likes to see the mother looking after her brood, but if she feels sorry for loosing it, just for a moment,...
Forum: Fiction 01-09-2018, 04:08 AM
Replies: 20
Views: 517
Posted By IanG
This piece started well, but if you want people...

This piece started well, but if you want people to keep reading then don't give too much away too soon. Also, perhaps you should mention a case where your heroine had a vision and it came true soon...
Forum: Fiction 12-30-2017, 12:32 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 542
Posted By IanG
I don't have a deaf relative but I'm interested...

I don't have a deaf relative but I'm interested in history and I learned that the status of deaf people varied between different times and places. There were, in some places, clusters of deaf people...
Forum: Fiction 12-27-2017, 07:59 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 542
Posted By IanG
The Sign of Hatred

"Help! Help!"

The woman who was signing ran down the landing of her house. The walls on either side of her were blazing from floor to ceiling. Thick smoke obscured everything behind her. She...
Forum: Fiction 12-26-2017, 08:19 AM
Replies: 3
Views: 438
Posted By IanG
This is a good beginning, concise yet evocative. ...

This is a good beginning, concise yet evocative. No sign of you being out of practice that I can detect.
Forum: Fiction 12-07-2017, 02:00 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 466
Posted By IanG
Try 'let them stay, they've proved their worth...

Try 'let them stay, they've proved their worth and anything you can say to me you may say to them,' rather than 'they're mine.' That doesn't seem like reason enough on its own to let them stay, a...
Forum: Fiction 11-23-2017, 12:24 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 575
Posted By IanG
Perhaps it would be better to start with her...

Perhaps it would be better to start with her going over the advice for survival in her mind, then move on to the comments about tweeny masters and neuromacy. The former is more recognisable, easier...
Showing results 1 to 25 of 500

 

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