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Old 07-06-2011, 03:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
Good suggestion Nick - but when I read it out loud, I think it messes the rythm. (Did you try it?)
Yes, I tried it. It moves quickly. It depends from the relationship betwixt the two folks. If you slow it for a moment, where noted, the connection between the entire piece's sentiment and the absent fella is established in a primary manner.

Isn't this what you intend by bold fonting "you"?

I would also like to suggest you consider 'there's a woman in these dungarees' (how unfortunate- two dungs of opposed scent so close together) in place of the current structure. Same reason as the 'is you'.
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