Thread: Fruit happens
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Old 04-12-2016, 01:54 PM
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iDrew (Offline)
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Interesting title that drew me in.

Let’s not be kidders, problems exist:

syntax is well off in places, for example “bowl of fruit she offers”

fruicious is repeated and to be honest I find just one of these as, language wise, sticking out like a sore thumb. Have to admit that I don’t find it a good word (if it is) as it sounds like a moody ingredient for shampoo.

It’s all there, perhaps too much of it is there. Take S3, I quite like the first 4 or 5 lines but the rest feels tagged on to explain when you should be having greater confidence in your imagery. In other words, a good edit would leave this leaner and stronger. Something of this nature is all about the verbs.


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