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Old 10-15-2006, 03:42 PM
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Icarus (Offline)
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I believe this is the first thing of yours that I have read - so I can't really say if it is "off" in the sense of it being not up to par.

But I can say that I like it a lot the way it is. The whiskey bottle was a nice surprise among images of sunlight and I loved the bit about the rock being sharp in all the wrong places.

I set the bottle aside, pull my .22 automatic from my ankle holster and turn to watch the trail behind me. A human-shaped shadow falls across my personal stone. It appears that I have unwanted company.
I will say that the last sentence here seems a bit over dramatic. It kind of reminded me of a voice-over in a cheesy crime movie or something. And the gun kind of startled me - I'm not sure whether in a good or bad way, though it does make things more interesting.

I'm curious about this being the start of chapter 6. It feels and reads like a start to a chapter 1 - a start that would be quite intriguing.
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