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Old 10-16-2006, 04:18 PM
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OnceUponATime (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Icarus View Post
I will say that the last sentence here seems a bit over dramatic. It kind of reminded me of a voice-over in a cheesy crime movie or something. And the gun kind of startled me - I'm not sure whether in a good or bad way, though it does make things more interesting.

I'm curious about this being the start of chapter 6. It feels and reads like a start to a chapter 1 - a start that would be quite intriguing.
Thanks for your comments, Icarus - there's a reason the gun is there (explained in Ch 5, unfortunately)

I agree with your opinion on the last line - I'll probably cut it or use something a little less "in-your-face."

Very much appreciated

- Jillian
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