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Old 08-22-2012, 03:33 PM
scottishpride (Offline)
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Default Extract from my new play.


Malky and Frank are sat together, around a table in a pub, both thrity something.


Malky Ė Iím just not... You would think I would be but Iím just not... I mean this might sound a bit fuckin unfair and that but I really donít think Iím capable of giving her another chance...

Frank - Another chance?

Malky Ė Iím quite simply not the man Sarah thinks I am Frank...

Frank - She liked you Malky... She still will like you...

Malky - (laughing) Well fuckin obviously Frank... You serious? (laughs louder)

Frank - Well the fact that you fucked her mum Malk might just...

Malky - I mean what is it they say?

Frank - What do who say?

Malky Ė Broken hearted girls Frank... It's something like 'You donít know what you've got until he's away fucking some other more attractive woman'

Frank - Malky man, c'mon to... I mean technicaly...Well actually thereís nothing technical about it... She dumped you...

Malky - Same mantra for guys Frank, but not me... See I would just say 'sayla on you fuckin go Sarah sweetheart' I would accept, accept her new chance of happiness...

Frank - I know you would Malk but...

Malky - As you know fine well Frank... Iím without fuckin doubt the most understanding guy you've ever met...

Pause

Frank - You sure Ryan would agree with that statement?

Malky - That old fuckin chesnut again is it Frank?

Frank - It was only the other day Malky so...

Malky Ė Iíve told you already Frank as I told him... You want to have kids then itís up to you, and you alone, to ensure that their not going to end up a little fuckin scumbag...

Frank - Okay, okay Malky... I mean fair enough but...

Malky Ė Donít just say 'okay' Frank and try make out that I'm the fuckin bad guy in that story... Your bang out of fuckin order by the way...

Frank - So his kid is out playing with his little friends... They hit your double glazing window with a water baloon and so you swing round to Ryanís and promptly put a brick through his car windscreen... That sound fuckin understanding does it? You couldnít have just went to his door and said ' Ryan mate, can you please tell your boy to stop...

Malky - Many old folk are their in my appartment Frank?

Frank - Well I would say there was about...

Malky - And by that I mean I donít really give a fuck... Point is thereís plenty... Each and every one of them too, a mere pubic hair away from the fuckin end ... What Iím saying Frank is that, that wise ass little bastard didnít just baloon my window that night, he hit all of theirs too...

Frank - So that make you what? A fuckin vigilante?

Malky - As a matter of fuckin fact, yes... Yes it does... Just you ask Mrs Anderson... Ask her and see what she thinks of me?

Frank - Who?

Malky - What?

Frank - Who's Mrs Anderson?

Malky - It doesnít matter mate, it doesnít matter... What time is it?

Frank - (Checking his watch) 9.15... So who's?

Malky - Number 35 on my block Frank... No more fuckin Windows getting hit anymore... Thanks to fuckin me thereís not...

Frank - And Mrs Anderson... She appreciate that does she?

Malky - Yes, yes she does... (Under his breath) the fuckin old pervert that she is

Frank - What?

Malky - What do you mean 'what'

Frank - (laughing) You just called her a pervert...

Malky - No, no I didnít...

Frank - Yeah you did...

Malky - Time did you say it was, quarter past fuckin nine?

Frank - Yeah, yes thatís right Malky... So Mrs...

Malky - She shouldnít be kicking about but you never fuckin know so...

Frank - Your best leaving going over there tonight Malky... Sarah will not be wanting to...

Malky - No Frank, no!... I appreciate the fuckin gesture, I really do, but Iím just going to have to man up... Donít want you sleeping on your sofa and me taking your bed on account of some bearded pensioner having me down as her fuckin swansong...

Frank - What?... No Malky. I thought you were talking about going over to Sarah's... (laughing) So who's got you down as her swansong?

Malky - (Deadpan) Mrs Anderson

Frank - And how exactly are you her swansong?

Malky - Been trying to avoid her mate... Like a fuckin job Iíve been trying to avoid her...

Frank - (Laughing) And so what...

Malky - See the other day, the other fuckin day I was sprawled out on my bed, minding my own business... minding my own business... horny as fuck though...cock in my hand but still though Frank, minding my own business...

Frank - (Smug) Wonderful image that...

Malky -And then all of a sudden I fuckin hear it...

Frank - Hear what?

Malky carefully begins to tap the table with his hand, Frank is looking slightly bemused

Malky Ė Itís my front door Frank...

Frank - Somebody is at your door?

Malky - I press pause on the porno... A frozen image on the TV appears... This brown haired 50 plus sparkler, Your mothers fuckin lookalike by the way, I mean the spitÖ As so fuckin happens too, she had her tongue deep in a fishermanís asshole...

Frank - (no longer smug or laughing) Jesus fucking Christ Malky... who's at the fuckin door?!

Malky - It's Mrs Anderson... The self appointed leader of the newly formed 'Malky' fan club...

Frank - Right, right well why is she at your door?

Malky - She's wanting to know if I want this steaming hot steak pie she's just made. Say's sheís worried that I might not be eating properly...

Frank - Oh yeah, that's right... Know who your talking about now... Mrs Anderson, she's the crazy one is she not?

Beat

Malky - (Clearing his throat) Anyway, so she hands me the pie...

Frank - The pie... okay, yeah?...
Malky - I put my hands out, I put my fuckin hands out to take it from her and as I do...
Frank - As you do?
Malky - As I do I clock her looking down...
Frank - Mrs Anderson hands you a pie and you note her looking down?...
Malky - Yes...
Frank - Yeah well, at what?
Pause
Malky - At my cock Frank...
Frank - Your cock?
Malky - And we both scream...
Frank - You both scream?
Malky - In all her 80 odd fuckin year I donít think sheís ever seen one that hard or that fuckin big so...
Frank - And why the fuck was it out?
Malky - The boxer shorts... Those fuckin Primark boxer shorts and those cheap Indian bastards making the holes too big and too fuckin wide... I mean I donít know what their policy is on docking wages over there but...
Frank - And why the fuck did you not put on a pair of jeans before you went to the fuckin door?!
Malky Ė Iím telling you Frank, Iím fuckin telling you mate, I thought she was dead... She ran back into her house as fast as her repulsive little legs could carry her and...
Frank - And what did you do?...
Malky - What?
Frank - Did you go and appologise, explain tae her it was an accident... fuckin what?
Malky - I did what any man would do standing there with a raging hardon Frank... I returned to my ' Sluttiest catch' DVD and I fuckin finnished
Frank - Fuckin hell Malk...
Malky - And after that I eat her fuckin pie
Frank - And was it any good?
Malky - She put too many onions in again...Thatís beyond the fuckin point though FrankÖ I will pull her up about that in a couple of weeks... The point is as for now, as for this week I donít want anything to fuckin do with herÖ
Pause

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