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Old 05-08-2018, 06:40 PM
Lingard (Offline)
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Default Does the Soul Exist?


Does the Soul exist?

The soul is generally thought of as being separate from the body. Residing in the body, but not part of the body, as it were. There are people who believe the soul and the body are in some way inter-connected or inter-woven. These people are insane.

The reason that we can’t see the soul is that it is magic. We can, however, conject that it is made of an ethereal substance so far unknown to science. It is about two to three inches long and comes in a variety of colours. The soul lives forever. (We can, in fact, conject almost anything we like. That is the great beauty of science.)

If you cut the soul in half you will end up with two souls. This is a scientific fact. And if something is a scientific fact, then you can’t argue with it, can you? This makes it even more of a scientific fact. It is, then, very much a scientific fact. (This is known as the scientific method.)

The scientific method for examining souls is well-established and well-documented, thus providing a robust platform from which to prove that the soul exists. But only insofar as it conforms to the known scientific principles under which it has been described. (Only a scientist would understand this.)

Now, anything which cannot be proven to be real may not be real – but it could be. (Two possibilities.) But anything that can be proven to be real is, by definition, real. (Only one possibility.) And referring back to the well-documented axiom that a soul cut in half equals two souls, we see that this actually doubles our chances of the soul existing. It is easy now to see that the two possibilities in statement one are now cancelled out because there are two souls. This leaves us with only one possibility (because we cannot have two identical souls, one of which exists where the other doesn’t). Therefore the soul is real. And having established this under strict scientific protocols, we can be left in no doubt as to the veracity of this statement. It must be remembered that our procedures are very well-established, with a high degree of governance, internal and external reviews, quality controls and ongoing peer-supervision.

The soul has had a number of songs written about it. “Poor Soul”, by Johnny Vortex and the Deltoids; “Soul Destroyer”, by Nancy Heart-attack; and “Soul-Eyes”, by the ISIS boys’ choir. This is further proof that the souls exists – for why would anyone write a song about something that does not exist? They wouldn’t. Would they? No, they wouldn’t. So, there it is.

And another thing: if the soul didn’t exist, why would I be writing about it? How could I be conceptualising something that not only doesn’t exist but, by a very interesting process of analysis, extrapolation and inversion, can be shown to have never existed? Yes, well. If you were a scientist like me you would understand much more betterer.

And, so, the soul exists.

In the next chapter I will be exploring the age-old conundrum of why cats can’t live under water for more than a few minutes.

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