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Old 03-05-2018, 03:32 PM
Beesauce (Offline)
Word Wizard
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Phomerica
Posts: 540
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Thanks 70

Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
"He remained silent, shaking, trying not to show the pain and nightmares of every night of his owned existence."

You can do better.

He grit his teeth, seething in silence. Refusing to show the nightly pain of his owned existence any weakness.

Use powerful words that keep it in the moment. Words that have cadence.

Story is sound, just needs a little more flesh. Either be ambiguous or show what is going to happen. Have him sight the bottle, his savior. Or, give the visions an ambiguous description. Make it faint. Get drunk and remember your own ghosts and rewrite. Gotta be a psycho to write

Well Thanks. I've got a lot to say about alcohol and writing drunk isn't as great as slightly tipsy or not at all. Poison is a migraine and I'm only a tiny mouse er. bee. euhm. Thanks right, I'll take your suggestions for the 2nd draft.
i didnt do it, except...

i dream, you dream, we all do --
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