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Old 07-30-2016, 08:50 AM
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max crash (Offline)
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I don't have a clue as to why this duped

and she marveled in what it felt like to HAVE a voice, to hear herself, to express her experience

the capital HAVE, is out of place. it should either be small letters or HERE and EXPRESS should be caps - I would recommend that Express also be changed to YELLED

Death was born death. She was never afforded the gift of lungs, or heart, or blood or bone. When she was first conceived she had no idea what it felt like to stretch, to move, to walk, to dance. She was deaf and alone - she could not hear the subtle baritone of a lover’s voice, or feel their warm embrace, or listen to the symphony.

this passage with the extended sentences using just commas, or 'or' or 'and' is going to be a problem with publishers. However I like it, I think it gives the entire piece a poetic quality.

I liked this piece,

keep writing

Max Crash
if you're writing over your readers head - tum etiam, ut graece scribens --- the secret of success changes;the truth of failure remains constant; if you try to please everyone you will fail.

Last edited by max crash; 07-30-2016 at 08:53 AM..
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