Thread: conceited>?
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Old 11-30-2014, 09:09 AM
I-Gypsy-Queen's Avatar
I-Gypsy-Queen (Offline)
Join Date: Oct 2014
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Originally Posted by Nacia View Post
what is conceit
but a little defeat
that tells you
you are wrong
when you know you are right,
follow your light
till the end of the night
each step may trite
but you will know your might
when you see it fight
to guide you to your height,
life is a bite
and you to it recite
I am here till white
any day delight.
Hey! I started off really enjoying your play on the rhyme, but honestly by the end it seemed like you were reaching for it and it became ostentatiously obvious. Don't forget you are the master of the rhyme! It does not master you! Why not try switching it up for the last half, or just one line that should stand out. You could end the poem after "to guide you to your height" and it would still carry more strength. Everything after that seems like you added an after thougt and it's not as strong as the beginning.
Keep on trucking! Looking forward to the next one.
"You do drink, don't you?"
"Of Course! I said I'm a writer, didn't I?"
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