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Old 06-06-2008, 05:22 AM
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Jay W. Eccent (Offline)
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Icon3 Space: Help

I am writing a story called Space and was thinking about publishing it. I have 31 pages done and want 100 and some thing to give it more depth or make it more juicy... Some thing cool. I think the story is boring but my wife says it's good and I need another opinion. I am also having writers block.

The story is about the destruction of earth, The last human being known as Chase Viger had stolen a drilling station and floated out into space as the Earth explodes. The story also contains A man from space named Parish who is being chased by a humanoid turned Cyborg. The story is about Governments, Kingdoms, And Orders or empires known as follows: Fendi Army, Black Fendi, Uaoni delegation, Uaoni Navy, And The Terial Reich. T.T.R (The Terial Reich) is lead by a tyrannical man known as Manayl on the planet Terial. The T.T.R are made up of a humanoid species known as Enos who enslave aliens on prison planets. The Uaoni and Fendi are the good guys, The Fendi, Black Fendi and a species known as the Purgatory have what is called The Power.

here is what Ive got so far.



Jay W. Eccent


After skyscrapers and cars. After one man ruled only a nation. After land broke apart to form other worlds such as America and Asia. There became worlds untamed, unnoticed, by the planet Earth. Far from the reality you know. Earth is not the center of the galaxy, but it is there, tiny, small compared to some of the larger worlds out there. This is a time of sorrow and pain for one man. For he is alone known as Chase Viger.

Now is the future, now comes where the past leaves. Yet, where will it lead
us - to peril, beauty, despair, disease, wars, malice, or even careless
human error?

This story may tell you our future or it may even end it because if
you read this story you may want to stop it. For if you knew the truth, if
you really knew what I knew….. you wouldn’t even read, “My Story”.
Gold, life is full of gold and silver for there are people who squander treasures of imaginable Abacus so that cultures and societies die. Treasures such as bread or three pennies... The soldiers die for what? FREEDOM, to sleep, dream and nightmare, yes, freedom is wonderful but the poor lost souls, what of them? They have lost fighting for gold and silver like us who hate and scream fourth at each other. I salute you, Men & Women of bravery.. Come home. Vociferous people wait for there families to return and a young boy in the woman’s womb for his father, he cries for his attention but finds sobbing, a woman waiting... Waiting for her brave good soldier.
To breathe other than smoke, to touch other than sticky blood and puke, this was what the doctor longed for. A doctor stands, missing his family, unborn child, Jack and wife. Dreaming of yore and his old home in White Chapel London. The Doctor was a very, very respectable man who decided he would be more help to the sickly if he lived in the same place where sickness and death reside. The richest of rich would not even consider living in White Chapel, whether they were a doctor or not. Inside the Doctor’s old home, the rooms were huge how ever, the outside was so small that you wouldn’t think a rich doctor was living there. The tiny house had been built next to A Dosshouse, a crowded, overpaid, home for the poor. The blood stained Doctor, if a doctor of a doctor could be nominated as such, fell onto a near by table where he collapsed from fumes in the air... Some one through dynamite over the surgical tent and the explosion created so much mist he could not breathe, clawing of hands on the body.... Grasping raw flesh in the air, the doctor realized he was on top of a dead man where the Physician’s mind went black and he died.

Chapter 1
His fascination

Chase Viger, 6’1” with powerful green eyes and dark brown hair sat in a
smoke filled bar with a history book on White Chapel London. Chase hated women, hurt and pain were all they left him. There was only one woman and she was dead. “Is space up there, a place to forget my troubles,”
Chase asked as he gulped down the very last drop of his strong liquor. He
wanted it to knock him out … and soon.

“If the Lord intended us to see space we would,” Bartender Chain said.
“Don’t , he’s the reason I come here on Sundays. I’ll not forgive him for
the death of my girlfriend, Valley Bieu. She was in a secret military black
“It was WW III, everyone went.” Chain replied.
“But why my love,” Viger said sadly. The history of White Chapel pleased Chase greatly, reading about some one so infamous as, well, the name is just to edgy to mention but we will get to that later. Viger delve deeply into his book, forgetting about God, women, and his love, Valley.
Some time in the past...
Jack Repit was a doctor and very religious. He had chosen to be a part of some of the Jewish faith, this man knew his bible scripture and decided long ago to hold himself true to God’s teachings. A Gardener, Jack was, but only of the tending of his home’s outward appearance. Born 1864 from English parents living in Hessen, Germany.. Jack’s father had died within a horrible war, in August 1864. His mother could not handle her husband being gone and was committed to ‘London Gates Supreme Asylum’ where she died August 1869. Dr. Jack Repit was a highly social man, persuasive, manipulative and attractive to women. Although manipulative he was nice and very courteous to every one, a gentleman’s gentleman. The only problem was he had a slight stutter that plagued him since he was six and he was partially deaf because of hearing problems through his mother's side of the family. Jack had blue eyes, Mustache, And black hair. Although Jack’s life dealt with surgery and the female anatomy, His other passion was an artistic one, Dr. Repit loved theater.
When Jack went to his Jewish church in Scottsdale, They had revealed to him that they were a secret Masonic Society who had chosen him to become there ordained leader. Jack had refused and left for his home back in Germany where he met his future wife Ina Alicebith. Jack Joined the British Forces in Africa, He registered at Mcfee British Military College as a medical student and was confronted by the same Masonic people who spoke to him at the church. Pleading with Jack, They said. “We need a leader”. They knew Jack was well educated in medicine, Could strike a deal with almost anyone, And could get the job done.. Jack didn’t trust masons but He gave in to there pleas and they gave him a ring. On the back of the ring was the name of there secret branch known in Mason society as J.E.U.W.S (Jerusalem's.Eager.University.of.Western.Selective ). J.E.U.W.S moved from the western part of Jerusalem all the way to the English Territories. The J.E.U.W.S are the people who do the dirty work and the selection of people to Join the Masons, All J.E.U.W.S are actually Jewish. Jack graduated with honors on March 31, 1879 than moved to London with Ina. Now Ina had died. Jack couldn’t be alone in that musty old house in White Chapel any longer and he decided to take a midnight walk while reading his newspaper.

“It’s hard to believe people still live on Earth in the year 3005, Why hadn’t we done away with our selves yet”. Viger Mumbled. Viger walked for a while, His history book tucked into his coat. A Sudan stop came upon him, Looking up at a drill like object, Viger could not believe what he was seeing but he had to be sure.
a vast machine, There it was. Chase knew what it was for but he had to know. Guards lined the streets around the drilling machine, he asked one of the female guards about the drill and it confirmed his feared disbelief.
drilling a hole into the core of the earth.
“Hitting the core hard could cause a chain reaction, An explosion so huge”. Viger quickly pushed past the guards and just as the drill started up, Viger oped a hatch and reached the control center. “Shut this thing down”. Viger yelled towards the worker at the controls. The man didn’t listen and a fire ball of extreme power came up from the ground. Crash, Bang. Sky scrapers were falling, People screaming...
The ground shook, Causing Viger to fall against the console. Chase blacked out....
“I was a scientist until I got fired for speaking my mind. The Science institute hated that I disagreed with them about drilling into the core of the earth for samples of gravel and lave... Those materials would tell us the exact age of Earth they said.. But I knew the truth. Knowing that the earth is old period, I knew that in striking the molten core we would go supernova and that’s where I am now. Here, in this drill, Chase Viger.” ***
Look on your star charts, Look hard. See, See that speck... That’s how far away it is from earth that is now destroyed, That speck you see, Well, It isn't a star.
This tiny thing you see on the star chart is a huge galaxy of planets and star systems. Earth had unexplored it and was well off not to do so. Now, Away from the star chart and look here, A book found floating in space, A book about fighters, Wars, And a people who live
in there own little world as we do, Listen, Good man, And listen well, For it is real.
He must have slept a long time. Light lavender flowers and honeydew
scented the air as music echoed and Viger’s pain disappeared. He saw a female
figure admiring and caressing his face. Could he be dead? Was it his
girlfriend alive? He forced words from his mouth, “Valley”. “Vilaya, Spirit Of The Forest”, she
said with enchanting light blue lips and eyes. Red, Blue, and Pink flowers
seemed to grow from her aqua hair cascading over her chest as dots of light
danced around her, like an Angel.

Surrounded by trees, Viger stuttered “whe..re is thi..s”? “This is Yunore,
World of beauty. Who are you? Where are you from”? ‘From’? Viger thought. Chase remembered being on earth... But how did he get here. “Human, from Earth”.
Viger replied without stuttering this time. “Earth, Is that under the Uaoni Protected planets”? She asked. “Most of the small planets who can’t protect them selves are under protection given from the Uaoni delegation and Fendi armies“ ”
“Is there a town here”? Viger asked.
“No, there’s a castle. I don’t go there. They call me “Witch“ and want to
kill me. They hate what they don’t understand”, Vilaya said, fearing an end
to life on the planet. “You see, The Black Fendi, Enemy of the Fendi armies, Are coming and they will destroy this planet...


Parish’s eyes were deep in meditation as he sat while making signs with his arms and hands. With the state he was in, His body at peace in the Claudio Clue, Which is a form of power from mediation. With this wave of meditation, Parish felt separate, Detached, and Nonexistent to the real world around him. All of the sudden, He cried out.

“So much, So much sorrow in side”. Parish had reached down to far and aloud his feelings to take over. Tears poured down his face. “So alone, No love to care for”. Parish opened his eyes and stiffened his body. So much hurt in one person.
“I am pure Fendi, Sarlith soldier for the Fendi Army.. Enemy of the Black Fendi.. My emotion is cool, Calm.. I am a warrior”. He said to him self.
And out of no where, Parish yelled a name. “Litu, NO”!
Litu was A girl who had died during the Fendi Black Fendi engagement, The second Galactic war.
Parish stiffened up and said to himself.
“I will kill who ever apposes The Fendi Army, I am calm, darkness flows through my body, I am Parish”. Parish closed his eyes and pictured him self walking down a hallway, A hallway of loneliness and wanting to be some one else. Then, That hallway became engulfed in flames”.
Parish was undercover on the space station Deadly Sun, A station owned by the enemy that could destroy galaxies, planets, and star systems. One flip of a switch and an entire planet would disappear... Disappear! Not explode, Not super nova, Not anything but disappear into the blackness of space. “I know who I am, I am strong and my father who was leader of the Fendi was right... I am a true Parish”.
“Yes, My Son. You know who you are” A scratchy voice came from behind.

Parish jumped up and turned to see a spirit, The mist and cloak, Hiding the spirits face, the spirits hands glowed bright red against the darkness. Then... Parish became blind, Or so he thought he was blind but it was the Spirit teaching him. “How dose that feel, To be blind to the weaknesses you have brought upon your self”? Parish could see again and when he saw he saw his father in a glowing form. “I had died during the war, Son... Why bring me up here now... You have a mission to keep”. “Because, Father, I am lonely, I miss my girl and I miss you”! He yelled. “No need to worry, Son. Look for Chase”. The spirit said as he disappeared into the hall of the ship....

“I miss my planet.” Viger told Vilaya. “You cannot travel to
the Palace as they would misunderstand you… call you names… even burn you at
the stake. for people have come to explore this planet... Aliens from other worlds and have been killed for being different”. “Like Earth’s history of myth, like Salem”! Viger stated.
“Relax, how do you know Salem, the King of the Castle Terranga.” “It also
was a place on Earth”, Viger replied. “Its already nightfall…. rest.” She said.

29 AD: Gadarenes, Opposite to Galilee

The sky was dark as a small boat came close to a near by island, Off stepped a man of kindness. The mans eyes were blue and he had long hair with a beard. Out from the boat came men following the leader. At the out-Skirts of the nearby city, A man lurched from the darkness.. Filthy. This man lived In the mountains and in the tombs. The Stranger’s Clothes were torn to shreds. Signs of Broken chains could be seen on his wrists. When the Man saw the leader of the others, he ran to him and cried out. "What have you to do with Me. do not torment me, Do not send me to Gehenna (hell), but permit Me to enter the near-by herd of swine". The leader ordered him to tell his name. "My Name is Legion; For I am a crazy demon with many sounds in my mind". The possessed person said. Then the leader gave a command. "Come out of the man". Sending the crazed demon into the swine which were kept in an area that was against the law. The evil spirit obeyed and seized upon the herd of swine by splitting up and possessing them, driving the pigs down the steep rocks into the lake where they drowned. When the leader arrived at the other side of Gadarenes he witnessed Two men coming from the tombs. They were so violent. "What do you want with us"? they asked. "Have you come here to torture us"? Some distance from them a large herd of pigs were feeding. The demons begged the leader. "If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs". "Go!" said the Leader. So they came out and went into the pigs. The whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and died in the water. Those tending the pigs ran off, went into the town and reported all this, including what had happened to the demon-possessed men. Then the whole town went out to meet the leader of the men and the men them selves. when they saw the leader, they pleaded with him to leave their region because they feared him The man looked at the angry villagers and said. “But I am Jesus”. He turned to his men and left the Island.
Mark 5:9 and Luke 8:30 Plus Matthew 8:28-34

Present day

Mournful notes of song awoke him and made him cry. A red moon and pitch
black sky were seen above the forest canopy. It was Vilaya‘s song,
beautiful, but sad. Purple lightning came from her mouth or was it raining
down on her. “WHAT’S GOING ON”?! Viger yelled concerned. “Red lightning
means I’m angry, white content, and purple for sorrow”, she said tearfully.
“I’m afraid you’ll leave me alone in this forest”. “I can’t Vilaya, For I am alone as well.
“I had dragged you out from the beast over there”. She pointed as the lightning stopped. Viger looked towards the drill... It must have crashed onto the planet. “There’s no choice, a red moon means a newcomer will disappear to our
allies… or enemies such as the Black Fendi or the Purgatory. Purgatorys reside on there planet with no way off, Your going there, Your going to leave me”. The ground rumbled and Viger looked up. A large piece of metal. or ship is what he saw, So fearsome, So huge. Quickly he ran from the dead Vilaya. He knew she had died... From sorrow. Quickly he ran to the drill and closed the hatch...

Chapter 2


In the beginning of the movement of other worlds, The planet Earth became
no more, Void of existence. One planet moved to close to the Orb, Earth
and ripped a hole in space. The hole swallowed the solar system of Mia or
Earth and there it was, NOTHING. The movement was over.
All planets now at peace… Except for the Darkness.. Evil doers wanting
money and to capture the Fendi… So you see it wasn’t the drill after all...

There is a story of a man and a woman.
“If the Gale (Galaxy) was made for assigning Idiots, The Power would permit
it…. AND HE DID! Now you need to get off my property“. ECC said…. ECC was
a hateful man with round, Brown eyes. His long, White hair flowed in the
solar winds of Guardian Nine, An Asteroid. Emperor Ecc wore his hair in a
top knot. Under the knot, Hair that could not be duplicated lay over his
broad shoulders. This hated Emperor was strong, And arrogant. Ecc was also
calm in his words, Coolly calculated as it were.
Ecc’s Ex Wife Haze stood before him. Deep set brown eyes glared pass her
sword. Thick, Curly, Cream color hair hung in
the night , It was in a style of a bizarre knot, A curly pony tail sprung
from the knot. Her Diamond Dancer’s figure enticed men, As well as her
blue skin and risque wardrobe of green.
“No power in the Gal could keep me from this Orb (Planet or Asteroid)! Give
me my daughter and I will leave. My sword need not touch your pretty hair”.
Haze screeched.
“And if you leave to your Vehicle or Ship right now, You can go with
out my hand swiftly grabbing your hair and pulling you to the ground”! Ecc
Two ships hung over head Guardian 9. The four moons of Guardian glanced
shadows dance over the vessels outer haul, Creating the effect of spirits,
Swarming… Almost as if the spirits of Elorshan returned from there final
resting place.

Captain Jal pointed towards the radar screen. “He’s still down there and
hasn’t given up”! Jal spoke angrily. “That Emperor wouldn’t move if an
Alloy Commando were to fall before him”. Captain Jal had Grey eyes. Jal’s
Silky, Wavy, Brown hair was combed back and Parted down the side with an
ocean wave like curl on the back corner of his head. Jal was very tall with a
muscular build and light green skinned. Jal’s clothing was one of profession
in the military of Uaoni. But on the other side of the Gal there lived a hole where
Yunore once was, Now in front of the hole drifted a different Space Station, Not
Fendi, Not Uaoni, And most certainly not owned by any
agency.. This Ship.. This Intruder was just a huge Aerial Shroud of Space
Black Fendi and one Cocky, Young man who follows the code of The Fendi. There is a difference between Fendi and Black Fendi.


Commander Denton of the Black Fendi wanted revenge but needed Parish to help him in
the process.. He knew Parish was on Deadly Sun and knew he was Fendi not Black Fendi. His Emperor was dead and now it was time to destroy the Fendi Armies. Denton sat at a table in the Dark Suns bar and Café. The surroundings had many crowded aliens and humans. The table he sat at seemed to be centered in the middle of the room with many other booth's
at different places. Sitting across from Denton was Boss
Commander of the Uaoni delegation. Here sat a representative from both sides. The Uaoni and Fendi worked together to try and stop Black Fendi yet here a Uaoni sat with one of there worst assassins. The Boss Commander... Her name was Prina. "I know we can get along "? Denton said. "Only if there is a Stab Trade will I help a black Fendi". Prina
replied. A Stab Trade was when you give out a handsome amount of Coin for
service and she wanted a bloody hand full. "55,000 Coin will do it". Denton
smiled and his eyes widened. "So you want to play Ball hey,
33,000 Credits, No more, No Less". Denton replied. Prina was ecstatic with glee. "Deal, I will get Parish to work with you".


The Purgatory, lay in a small bed, cradling his lover in his arms. The female was
Shikie. Shikie had powerful brown eyes, long blond hair with an athletic
build, muscular not skinny in nature. Just by using Powers the Purgatory knew
she was pregnant, He did it without technology or mechanics. All he needed
to do, to tell she was pregnant, was to just lay there and use his power
without her knowledge. He spoke to break the silence, "I want a disownment
from this boy you bare". He was going to leave the next morning and
the Purgatory knew that she was meant only for his amusement, but she saw it
otherwise. "Don't speak of such things. Besides, how in the Gal would you
know if I were carrying a child". He sighed and replied, "I just do, I also
sense great potential in him". He sat up on the bed and stretched his
arms out in a martial arts fashion. Red tattoos covered his body.
The room they were in wasn't fancy, just a bed with sand colored floor,
walls and ceilings. The Purgatory walked over to where his garb was laying on the
floor. He slowly put everything on and left the naked Shikie alone in her
bed with her baby soon to make his presence known.


A young boy the age of two sat on a motley colored carpet playing with a
Fendi figure in one hand and a creature carved out of 'Light Eye Porch Wood'
in the other. In a rocking chair sat a content mother. "Johnathan, dear, now
be nice when you play". She said with a smile only to hear a roar from the
child's mouth. "You childish boy you, Id think you would know better"! Shikie said playful yet stern. A couple of chimes and whistles caused Shikie to slowly pull her self up from her chair. The
chimes and Beeps were of the bell going off to alert that some one was at
the door. Shikie strolled over to the near by door and peered through a
looking hole to see two men. One was tall and skinny with a pale
face. The Other was kind of short, but had reasonable weight. They both wore
gray jump suits with one gold bar. "Ma'am, Please open up". Shikie pressed a
tiny red button activating the unlock mechanism. The door slid open to revel
the two men who seemed to be for the Fendi. "Greetings miss, I am Admiral Dha's.
This is my partner Admiral Kimetiker". The tall skinny one addressed him
self. Kimetiker stepped forward pushing his way into the home knocking
Shikie down. "Your son has been drafted". Kimetiker exclaimed while Dha's
snickered behind him. “He will now be raised in the company of Fendi under a new father, Under a new name”. Dha’s said "Get out of my home"! Shikie said.
"We are looking for one named Johnathan". Being a protecting mother she
looked over at the two year old boy and then back at Kimetiker, Dha's still
waiting at the door. "He isn't here, I have no Idea what you are talking
about, Now get out please". Kimetiker looked towards the boy on the carpet
playing with out a care in the world. He turned to the mother who forced her
self off the floor. Kimetiker's face turned into a snickering smile. He then
walked towards the boy causing the mother to jump at him. "Stay away from my
son"! Shikie screamed. The sound of a charge from a laser gun made Kimetiker
turn. "What in the Gal are you thinking"! He yelled towards Dha's. Dha's
had shot a bolt at Shikies back. "We don't need any thing slowing us down,
Get the child". Dha's said emphatically. Shikie was dead. Kimetiker
grabbed the child having him drop the to toy figures. The boy bit
Kimetiker's ear causing him to wail. "Let go you dinky little brat".
Kimetiker yelped.

....27 minutes past....

Boredom was what it felt like at this moment for Palatiouse Parish, Leader of the Fendi Army. Until he heard a knock. "Enter". He said in his distinguished voice. The door near the front
of the office slide open to revel two admirals. "Sir, We have brought you a
present, His new name is Parish for you". Palatiouse stood up and walked over to the boy
which sat in the tall Admirals hands. "And what would I do with a child"?
"We felt he could bring luck, To the future... Sir". “He seems very smart, I can
tell". The boy smiled and gurgled out the word "Father". This seemed to make
Palatiouse a happy man. The tall man sat the kid on a chair and they both
left, leaving Palatiouse and the boy alone....

...Ten Years Later...

The grassy Planet Solm had a show of tall of the tallest of weeds and
Surface Plankton. This planet held many animals that would
chew on the greens and blues of the plants. The 3rd planet of Yunore it was,
To stand and look towards the lite purple sky as the sun sets to the south,
Or to the west as the sky turns a strange of colors was mesmerizing. Near
the 'Grassy Nolms Of Chance' a small ship stood still, Untouched by any of
Black Fendi Markings. The mists of fog known as 'Graum Day' Passed over the ship as a boy of
twelve walked from it to an elder man in purple robes. He stopped 5 feet
away from the man, turned and stared towards the starry sky for it was night
fall and no purple or strange of colors in the air showed, Just an eerie feel of
"Father". The boy addressed the older man in a young voice, This voice was
one who had endured pain and suffering yet never really saw it... Yet.
"What is to become of me"? The boys father gave him a puzzled look yet there
was love in his eyes.
"Ask Me another question".
"I have always wondered... About my real father"?
The man gave a surprised look. "Your Father"! The man had changed his look
to some one who missed a child brought up from birth. "A tragedy... You
shall not question that again".
"What will I go through as my training progresses as a Sarlith"?
The man smiled. "Excellent question, Your answer is Pain. Much pain, Any Fendi of the planet Gomm, Black or not, learns only the pain of living by enduring pain it self. I will push you
harder, Ill set you to do things when you are ready, You will become more
powerful even if I have to kill every last one of the Black Fendi to do it. A war
will come soon where my army will battle Black Fendi, You shall have the honor to do
so as well. Now, Go and have a good long break". The boy walked off into the smog as
he yelled out. "Thank you Daddy Palatiouse"!
"You'll do a good job Boy, Soon Every one will know the name Parish". All
Palatiouse could see was the small ship taking off into the blackness. Just
before the ship left his site he uttered a whisper and a tear to the fact of
him not being able to show his love as an adoptive Father. "Sorry"!


Parish sat alone at a round wooden table at the 'Rant Rave Cafe'. This was
his break? Well, this was not what Parish wanted. He didn't want a boring
break, He wanted action, Excitement, and Adventure. But for now Parish was
hungry so he waited for the R-G Unit to come over to his table. A short Android, R-G was blue with red stripes. "What can I get you sir"?
“Twinkle Water". HE said as he looked down at the little Android.
"May I see some ID Sir"? Parish pulled out a silver chip and handed it to
one of the added appendages connected to the Android Unit. The Unit placed it in
an ID receiver that was fitted in its side. After the chip was analyzed it
popped the chip out than gave it to Back to Parish. "Parish, Hey your
Palatiouse son aren't you"? Parish seemed puzzled. "How would you know
"Every one knows who Young Parish is, Wow I can't believe Im taking an order
from the Fendi's best". Parish Watched The android take off towards the bar.
R-G walked away from Parish and towards the bartender behind the counter.
"Barkeep, A familiar is siting right over there". An appendage reached out
and pointed to a lone person siting at a round wooden table. The bartender
turned from mixing his drinks and fixing a steak to look at a boy of twelve.
"Well, Ill Be... Is that Parish"! The Bartender exclaimed as he accidentally
pushed the mixers into the grill where the Creature steak was frying to a
crisp. "Oh Galaxies of peril". The man yelled out than swore as he turned down the pressure of the stone stove top grilling station.
"Smooth move Barkeep"! A figure said as the rest at the front table
chuckled. "Very funny guys, Well that's no more on the house specials for
any of you". The Bartender said as he pushed the mixers off of the grill.
"What a waist of beauty, My own made steak for a customer is ridiculed
before its youth". The Tender sniffled. "It'll be all right". R-G replied to
The Bartenders Sorrow. "But you do have a very important customer, I would
not keep him waiting, For I heard he is very good in what is called... The
The Power, All Fendi, Black Fendi and Purgatory use it".
The Barkeep laughed a short laugh. "Ha! The Power, Do not believe in that
crap kid, They know fighting and battle strategy... Power, Ha, Magical hog wash".
"Well, He wants Twinkle Water". R-G boasted. "Twinkle Water, You
would think that some one so powerful would choose some thing stronger".
R-G had a change of tone. "He is a minor sir, He is only twelve".
"Oh, I see, Well It'll be done in one minute"...
Present time
Parish remembered his youth, Than the war where he lost his love and on board the deadly sun, In his quarters, Parish had placed a man upon his cot to rest. The space station had just taken aboard some sort of drill and here lye the man, Conked out.
Thrown into space to witness this planet’s destruction... Yunore Gone in the wink of an eye, It had disappeared. Quickly, Viger opened his eyes and sat up. He was in a bed. Before him was another man. “Im Parish and your name”? He asked. “Viger”. He responded. “Chase Viger”. Catching his breath.…

Chapter 3
Jacks Victims

December 26, 1887
“Look at her, Jack. Our first victim. Beth Fairly doesn’t know she is going to die tonight”. Legion was about to take his revenge and possess this man, Dr. Jack Repit. Jack heard the voice loud and clear. “I am legion for I am many”. Jack looked up the near top to a building. “Look, A man working on a crumbling pillar, Jack. Make sure he doesn’t see you”. Jack looked at Legion, Than at Beth walking down the walkway. It was as if the words controlled him. Jack shook a little. “Why. Why do I need to do this? She has done nothing to me”. Legion peered his eyes into jack’s eyes. “You will play, Jack. You killed your wife so you must kill more to become powerful”. “I don’t want to be powerful”. Jack replied. “Look at me, Look at me now! I say to you listen to every clear, Simple word I say. Come to me, Jack, I am the puppeteer, Do you understand”. A chill ran through Jack’s spine as if Legion had full control of it and other parts of his body as well. “Yes s,s,sir”! Jack stammered. Jack perked up as if Legians’s essence controlled him to. A vibration in Jacks mind brought his head straight up to look at the man at the top of the pillar. The man there, He had done the work for them. Jack was not but three steps away when a large sliver of wood broke off from the pillar it self and landed in the heart of A woman commonly known by prostitutes as Fairy Fay, Beth Fairly was dead. Laughing, Legion ran to Jack and disappeared inches from his face. Jack went down. “Get Out”! He yelled. “In the name of God I cast ye out of me”!! Legion leapt out and stared at him, Contempt in his eyes. “It is he you speak of who has sent me”! Legion screamed. “I know better, Demon, God would not have sent you”. Jack said. Legion looked up at the man at the top of the pillar than yelled out. “It is you, Good man, That if you wish it to be your life that goith with out harm or threat, I suggest ye forget this so called accident and go home, Half-wit”! Legion looked back at Jack and said. “As for you, Jack, You have defied him but he is not with out forgiveness, Come, We have our next victim to attend to”! Jack had no choice but to follow.. Puppet on strings....
TWO March 31, 1888
“Go for Annie”. He whispered. Annie is our next victim, Jack, You know what to do, Go after her and TAKE OF HER HEART”. Legion Taunted. Time slowed in Jack Repit’s mind. Every thing seemed under his own control only in a way that seemed he had been drugged which made him some how believe he was acting with in his own accord. Legion pointed at a woman. “Attack”! He uttered. Faster than a normal human being, Jack ran like a lighting flash. Slash, Gash, Slash, GASH! Blood spattered onto Jacks expensive, Pristine, White Gloves. Ben chimed. Down she went, But just as Jack was about to carve a bit more, He fell as well. “Allow me. Ben chimed again. “Allow me to finish the whore, Boss And be done”. Legion’s senses fired up as he heard breathing come around the corner. Legion grabbed Jack and whispered. “You are not the one to be blamed for this. Bat wings enlarged from Legion’s back and he landed on top of a near by building, Converting himself into a Gargoyle, Jack, A harmless stone victim in his clutches. Just as the breathing turned the dark corner streets the Woman, Annie Millwood stood, Staggering towards the man walking to her, Blood leaking from her lower region, It seemed so hard to walk, But she finely made it to him, It was a bobby..... February 25, 1888
Alive, Annie may have been afraid for her life now, But ever thankful, She decided to go forth outside, To her small garden. It seemed like nothing on Heaven or Earth could destroy her at this moment. The sun was out and she bent down to her tulips. WAIT! “I CAN SEE MY BODY”! She screamed as people gathered around her. She just died and now she was gone forever but her soul, Her very body had changed... And all the sudden she was hit in the head and she fell. Legion had hit her. “Take your new angel, Oh Lord”! Legion said sarcastically as he walked unnoticed by the crowd.

1888. Dark day at Sloane Square months later
My name is Elizabeth Jackson
Im twenty four.. A prostitute living in Sloane Square.
Lizzie was a name I was fond of and chose to stick with it as my little, So called alias. I was born on the 18th of March 1865. I was the daughter of John Jackson, a stonemason. The craft of the Stonemasonery is creating buildings, structures and sculpture using Stone from the earth. My mom, Catherine and My father Both were born in county Cork The most southwesterly and the largest of the modern counties of Ireland. I am with child. I am five feet five inches tall. I have auburn colored hair and a beautiful set of teeth.


The paper reads as follows: Tenth Victim Elizabeth Jackson. At about the age of twelve Elizabeth Jackson had an accident involving a Vase which fell from a mantel piece and broke against her arm. The accident caused a three inch long cut to the underside of her arm and this left a permanent scar. The same scar that helped the Officers at Scotland yard in the identification of Miss. Jackson. The head is missing at the moment and the local is unknown. Writer: James Mayton Mori

Waking up was the wrong thing to do for Dr. Jack Repit because he had a brand new headache. Putting his glasses on, Jack slowly got up from his bed rubbing his head, It felt like a woman had hit him with a purse just because he knew the fabric of his former wives purse.... Wife! His wife was dead, Now he was alone, Not totally, But at the will of a creature named Legion. Jack walked to his study and looked down at his desk to see a letter, A letter signed... Legion.

Cheerio, Old chap.
Say, Nice idea to hide the head of Miss. Jackson. Now, Dear old Boss, I lied to you about my presence here. Lord Loves Legion, He really dose and sent me to make you messenger for him, That’s right, Messiah has placed you here to kill Whores. The more you kill, The stronger Lord almighty, Me, Yes, Boss, Even you will not be stopped for it will make you stronger too. Now, Savvy Jacky, Its your play. You have the football... Kick it. There is no more need for me to keep in contact with you Boss. Im busy at the moment and you can finish the job, Jolly Jack. So go, Make me proud. Im Helping Lord keep Satan trapped in the Underworld.
Truly Yours
From Hell

Jack knew it was all A lie, This demon was absurd and he knew it. He didn’t believe this beast. He also knew that a demon could not say Gods name for it would choke them and that’s why Legion wrote the word Lord.. Legion never said God.

Chapter 4
Legion’s Revenge

2 BC.

God created a great Sea serpent and one day a man decided to give praise and said
"O Lord, how many works in wisdom you have created. You have created this great and wide sea... there go the ships and the Leviathan which you have created to put with in the waters”. The man pointed towards the large sea serpent. The Leviathan began to breath fire upon ships near by and swallowed the last one with it’s fourth mouth and God said. “One day I will slay the Leviathan with a strong sword. The dragon that is in the sea shall be slain".
Isaiah 27, Psalms 104: 25,26,
present day, 1888


The bell rang in London in Jack’s head, Over, Over pounding louder than usual as he dropped his news paper. “Im sorry, Excuse me sir”. A closer look at the man he had just bumped into told Jake he wasn’t human. Behind blackness, Red eyes sank into Jack’s soul. A falling feeling swept as the creature jumped into mid air. His cape turning into wings. Time seemed to stop. Jack could hear the clocks hands move and as the creature came down, A claw went through Jacks back. Lying on the ground the insistent clock chimed once more and Jack closed his eyes.
Breathing enclosed the space around him and he awoke, Tied in a chair. In the church he was in came forth the very being called Legion that had been taunting him. “You did not comply and I must tell you, For my world to be great all women are to die. It’s not that there impure, It’s that they get in the way. They think they can have power over men. Im telling you sir, That it will get worse If I don’t take action. I will give birth to the twenty first century”. Loud organ music played. It was the creature he had met on the streets of White Chapel. The creature stopped playing and walked to Jack, Starring him down. “Look Jackie, Jackie. The creature with the top hat, Red eyes, Cape, Cane, and four snake like heads is my pet Leviathan. Yes, He was a wonderful creature now pounded into this thing, This shape shifting monstrosity, But than again, Lord up stairs is that way. I have to start with the Whores because they control men’s sexual desires and take there bread or money for it. I love my pet, Don’t you think The Leviathan is a pretty creature, Lord took some thing so rare as the Leviathan and killed it, Sending it to Hell”. The creature seemed only like a shadow with clothes. “One day, Jack, Not now, But one day An Anti Christ will come. Years later. Listen, A woman will birth a god and he will ride a white horse into our arms speaking of peace”! Jack interrupted him. “False Peace”! In a ferocious roar, Legion punched Jack in the face screaming in a demon like tone. “LIES!! YOU BLASPHEMES BASTARD! LIES! The book is all lies bound in leather with gold trim and letters, Tis all Snappy Jackie. Lord Didn’t send me but what was I to say to you, Jack”. Legion was interrupted again by Mr. Repit. “You mean the Bible”! “What I see is a tragedy, Jack, You are our audience. Here is a play for you in this lovely church. Now, Here is how I see it, Before I start, I must imply that this book we are talking of is all lies. Now, Let me begin. Like I said, The play is a tragedy. Be as it may, I must tell it so that you may know that the only fate in the end for Lord lovers like your self is death. Lets say that my left hand is the Anti Christ, From it comes a False peace. Now you may believe it’s false but it wont be, Trust me. There will be the death of men. You will hear distasteful and unhearable words but they are only promises of peace that are not false, Jack. Basically, At a point in time, Earth will be drawn into grief and then, Mayhem. There will be madness at last, Wars the world has never seen. I just hope that this one, Jack, Will find the truth at last. Killing the women, Killing the whores who do not love, Stabbing there hearts. Rip with song... Rip with a song in your heart. Go, Hide behind the trees, In the darkness, In the sewers and run for the bobbies are after you. Create death in the masses of whoring.. Soon, They all will fall. Dizzied there minds with the thought of you being unhuman. Steal all the women’s lies, Silence there tongues. In the end, If you do not kill these women, No one will morn your death. Go out and tend, My beloved Jack. Truths and lies, Life and death... In other words, This will be a game of turning black to white in White Chapel, Jack. The end”. “I stay true to the Lord my God, I cast the away from me, Satan in the word of God I cast the away”. Legion grabbed at his thought and spoke. “Ha, Funny”. “You can’t harm me here in the house of the lord”. Repit said. “Oh. That’s right, Leviathan, Drag him out of this building”.

Chapter 5


When you take a life, Do you know how it feels.
I will be killing All the women who lie and deceive. Ive seen women die from blinded eyes, All the bobbies think they are so wise... Just makes me laugh. Ive armed my self with a sharp scalpel, The Bobbies wont save you, Jack. Lord has betrayed you, I will replace you! You cant deny that the power I have indeed will save you, For they'll want to kill you, Come with me and survive. My blood runs cold inside your veins... You know who I am... Im Legion. Once I create a place inside of your body for me, I will control everything. You wont return to the light. If you think you won, Think again, Bobbies, For I am the one who controls the game. Watch my Scalpel cut through softer skin.. It is on me you must depend, You may need to sin. Try to hide, Do not feel. Your life is mine just except what is real.
Jacks stomach curdled, Felt like old milk. Being dragged out and dropped by both demons that rammed into the lying Repit. Now in the bruised mind of Jack he heard breathing, But not of his own. Jacks eyes burned as he lifted himself up and felt pain go though his body. Like shears across his throat, Goose bumps ran.. No where to run. Rumbles of loud, Low voices rang ‘kill the whores’. Jack screamed as his head painfully formed a top hat. “HELP”! His skin stretched outward from his back, A Cape? What was this? Red yes, Glasses... Cain... Umbrella... What??? They had changed him completely, Not just in appearance, But in Apparel.


Jack watched a client walk up to a hooker. Have you ever had the feeling your being watched. Well, At this moment, The only feeling there was was in the man’s pants and the other feeling was of the hooker, drunk as a skunk. “My name is Carry Brown”. The hooker said.
“How do you do, I was wondering, Would you take me in for your services”. The man asked. “Of course, I turn no one down”.

“YES”! The male cried out. The breathing was heavy mostly on the mans side. Jack laughed at the two as he watched through the iced window. The woman gasped as the man grinned. An hour had past and the man paid his money, Tilted his hat and walked. Wind blew hard as the atmosphere seemed to swirl around Jack. WHAT WAS THIS? Jack had truly changed...

Chapter 6
Murder Scene

“My name is Officer Patrick Cohen Williams”. PC. Said as he slammed his journal down on the bosses desk. “The information in this book is about Jack the Ripper. I ran as I heard screams, Hitting my bobby stick against the walls of buildings. “WHITE CHAPEL”! I screamed, Running, Blowing my whistle. More officers met with me at the crossroads to white chapel. Running quicker, We didn’t seem fast enough for there they were, A crowd gathering at the Working Men’s Club. “STOP”! We yelled. “Move away, This is police business”. “I yelled out. “I will charge all of you with obstruction of justice if you don’t leave Immediately”. The crowd quieted and turned to see the six officers. When we finely went into the room where the victim and man were, She was dead, Miss Carry Brown was murdered. I turned to see a man with a top hat and red glowing eyes disappear in thin air”. “You will lie about what you have seen”! “But sir I..”. “That is an order, Officer Cohen, You will not speak of this to any one. We know who has been doing the ripper murders and we decided we don’t need Whores on the street. The man is Jack Repit, his father was A war vet and he is a respectable doctor. You will leave it alone. We don’t want Civilization to know that a respectable Englishman is going around like a mad man. I will supervise what goes out into the press. All officers know this”. “Sir, Your new, I was wondering of your name”. PC. Asked. His boss replied with. “My name is Region”.
Riding his mustang horse home, PC. Couldn’t help but think of his bosses words, Than it donned on him, The man he spoke to... He realized that he seemed so.... UNHUMAN! EVIL! Evil seemed to coat the room. Slowly he got off his horse to approach the door of his home. Stopping, He saw a cloaked figure in front of the door. An outstretched finger pointed to an alleyway from the cloak. “Go away from my door”! The officer yelled. The cloak fell to show a hideous creature with four heads. There mouths gaping open. “Im not afraid”! PC. Spoke. Blood dripped from the beast as it grew bigger.. “I AM LEVIATHAN. DO AS HE REQUEST AND GO”! The beast dissipated. PC. Looked at his door step where the creature was no more. On the ground was a note and upon it read. Dear Boss,
I hear you shant quit thinking of me but need to stop. I laugh when I look at you. I know you want to be a hero. If you go into that nearby alleyway I have some thing for you and your taste for justice. How can you catch me now when all bobbies are against you. Come and get me. Good Luck.
Yours truly

It felt like bugs were crawling through PC’s mind as he got closer to the end of the alleyway. The area became darker. It seemed he was in a solitude of evil. Than silence... He heard some thing coming closer then down from a building came a man in top hat and cape. The closer the man edged his way to PC. The more tightened PC. Became, A pounding in PC’s head ceased. Welcome, Officer, “My name is Jack the Ripper. I don’t want you to speak of me, That’s my job. I don’t want you to think of me unless it’s good because if you don’t, Ill have to do some thing about it and you don’t want that”. “I will do as I please”. PC. Said. “Fine, Leviathan, Leave my body”. From out of his body and into another and there PC lie. A clock chimed. “Another days work, Now I have a partner.

Chapter 7

There being followed. All, Every one of them. They are so alone, Poor. Some are married and are with children... Grand Children, They try to support there family. They cry out, But no one hears.. Help! Help! The poor. This man, It is like he is invisible. They cry out with no ones help... No hope of living or a life.. Only a life of being poor... Poor sad souls

Legion had been helped by PC. Or Leviathan for some time now but the time had come to punish Legion for his rippings...

The fight. Was it over? Could I truly go home. I looked up and down shown a light of immense power and love. A tear of mine dropped to the floor as I left the ground. I reached my hand to the heavens and saw clouds parting for me. Was it true, Was this heaven. My soul, Free from Legion. Peace... Peace and at calm was my heart. Finally. I didn’t hurt. My memories flash of my beautiful wife, Dead, All the lost souls.. Dead. And faces met me with smiles.. I remembered all that I had done... Such evil.. “Oh God”, I called out. “Im so sorry”.
“It wasn’t you.. Legion will be punished”. And then, I felt no more pain. This was truly Heaven.
Lucifer grasped the black ball in his claw and banged it against his Dais like desk. “You failed and now you will suffer at the hands of the very man up above. I leave you in his hands. Giant beings turned a crank, Bringing down chains with hooks in which they placed in Legions back. The angels cried out. “Bring him now”. The chains rose, Lifting up the retched demon. All the souls he killed leaped from him and towards the heavens toward God for protection, But some were left behind for they were very evil. Rise, Rise, Rising, Faster with great speeds.
Legion was going to be punished by the very hand of God.

Viger closed his book. “A history of White Chapel and Jack The Ripper. Chase said. Parish glanced at the book. This man, Jack, Seems to be a monster. Why read about him”? Parish asked. “Because, I hate women, For I am alone because of them. Where am I”? “We are on the space station Deadly Sun”. Parish explained what the space station could do and why he was there. “A spirit told me I would meet you... My father told me Ide meet you” “Im tired of being this hateful towards women”! Viger yelled as he slammed the book down. “I once was an angry soul such as your self. The Purgatorys believe them selves to be above law and above God so they are Judge in this Star system. They know what you think, That’s how powerful they are. As a punishment for feeling depressed and upset towards women they sent me to the planet Deadline. You have heard of heaven and hell, Right? Well they exist but so dose deadline, A place for wondering spirits and I was there for a long time”.

Some time in the past
A Man, 40 years of age, stood in front of what seemed to be a black temple. This temple held lightning like turrets of fire which twisted around the pointed metal structure. Was this his punishment? Was he to be condemned for what he had done for so many years... To be here?

He wore some ripped up sweats.

All he could remember was the time he crawled out from the wreckage of some sort of pod sent by Purgatory. Now he stood in front of this Temple with a grinning Mad Man who guarded the entrance.

The Mad Man's laughter was like a small child's sly giggle. He, He, He, he would say, as if to taunt the man to try and pass.

The Mad man wore a metal suit and held a long purple staff with a red rose - like head and yellow tips sprouting from the sides.

The mad man's face was visible, showing a funny thin face with black hair, big nose, and crossed eyes.
"You Shall Not Pass, I will not let you"! The man almost could not keep from laughing. The voice was so ridiculous, it was hard not to laugh.

"Who are you, No wait, who am I"? The man had forgotten and asked. "here is a clue for you.... Your real Father was unknown, you followed a powerful man, you know nothing about your line".

The man thought long and hard, but all he could think of was the letter P.

"Tell me now, oh entertaining one, for I may have to hurt you". "I see that you have mastered my skill of humor so I shall let you pass if you answer this feeler".

"Shoot all jesting one". The man replied.

The Mad Man let out a homey laugh. "I like you... Okay here it goes. What has been around for over centuries and centuries, and their opposing enemy is the Fendi"?

The man thought for a while, but then his blood started boiling. All of the sudden the Man looked at the Oddball with surprise.

"Yes... Yes, I see you know the answer, Speak it"! the Mad man yelled as he sounded out the first letter in the answer.

"Black Fendi"! The man yelled in a whisper. "Yes, You now know who you are, don't you"?

"I am Sarlith... A Parish, Son of Palatiouse, Servant to the Fendi Army, Lord of my own life. Yes, I know who I am now! 'And you're in my way, you sick Drunken creature'"!

"I kneel before you Parish, you truly are the adoptive son of Palatiouse".

Finally, With the yield of the Mad Man Parish nodded politely and passed in to the passage way Of the Temple.

He entered half way and turned back to the mad man.

"What is this place"? Parish asked.

"Just North South of
The Jungle Of Forever, North Of The Tundra Of Weeping, West North Of The Plains Of Stillness, West of The Waist Land Of Fall, And near South of The Mosith Mountain lays the Afyac Temple Of Good and Evil, A meeting place for us spirits"....
Inside a sleeping tube froze an old woman. The woman interested him and seemed familiar.

This old hag he saw behind the tube was a woman from his childhood, yet who was it.

As Parish slowly pressed a finger on the tube, Cold steam rolled out from the cracks made from the Tube being opened.

This woman seemed dormant, Her eyes open and bloodshot.

Disappointed, Parish turned away from the dead woman and was ready to leave before he heard a scream, He jumped and turned to see the female standing.

"Now maybe Ill get some answers besides my name".

"Ah, Here is a person I've not seen in long time".

"Im not sure I remember you, Miss"?


Parish was agitated.

"No more game, Give me an answer now".

"Im sure you have had enough clues from our Questioning Guard out side".

"Annoying, Now get on with it".

The woman seemed slyly perky yet Parish could sense sorrow in her with the power he had.

"I can not assume my appeasing shape anymore, For now my punishment is this planet. I sense you are here to take my place, Well, Young Parish . You are still a boy to me, You shall not take what little power I have left which is now my Kingdom. This Spirit World is mine. I was your mother, Parish, Wife to Palatiouse and I needed power".

This female now seemed to slowly disappear.

"No, Don't take me now God, No Please"!

The woman yelled out.

"I was promised power"! She yelled again.

"And you were given power"!

A dark low voice rang. Than like anger it self entered the room, The female burst into flames running and screeching. In Surprise, Parish watched her sizzle into the air becoming one with the sky.

"Who else is here? Show your self"!

"I am what the Fendi believe to be God of the Gal".

"You are Melpom Pluha Marvia, Guardian of this planet Tyro or Deadline".

"Yes but how did you know"? The voice announced.

"I am not sure".

Parish replied to the voice.

"Oh yes, The Power it self has sent you here for a reason, You are one known as Parish. Of course you would know who I am for you bare great Power and knowledge". Pluha said.

"I don't feel knowledgeable right now with this amnesia. All I remember is crawling from a pod and wondering this strange world until I ended up at this temple".

"Don't worry, You will remember who you are, All you need to do is check our library".

A bright red light shun on a screen which shown pictures rapidly changing.

Whiplash were the thoughts in Parish's mind at this moment.

Finely with a sudden stop the screen became black.

"Ask it a question". Melpom said.

"Okay, Who am I"?

Parish was blown away as sharp gusts of wind emitted from the blackness.

He slowly got up and brush him self off to now see the images of a persons life, His life.

The first image he saw was of a woman on a rocking chair and a child on the floor playing with two wooden dolls.

Next one over he saw that same woman laying on the ground, Dead.

Then he saw an elderly man with kind eyes holding that same child.

So on and so forth he saw images upon images.

"Pick an image Lord Parish, It will become a Holograph and you'll be able to watch it".

Parish saw a picture, One of witch interested him to a great extent, This was the one he would pick....

CHAPTER 8, Beasts from the past

‘Short Bio


Date: Unknown. A small boy is kidnapped. Date: Unknown. Boy is given to man named Palatiouse. Date: Unknown. Boy becomes great. Date: Unknown. Boy became blind in one eye. Date: Unknown. Boy, now man is given an assignment to kill a man known as Jark, Head of the board of Black Fendi.
Date: Unknown. Man escapes destruction of binary moon. Date: Unknown. Man crashes on Deadline and is healed by Spirits. Near Future:. Future unsure of you’ The loud Machine echoed, Its words and sentences choppy. “Ask it another question, In fact. Ask it as many questions as you want. The Library knows everything”. Melpom said.

“Who was the woman who I am replacing”.

‘Short Bio

Miss. Dreaper Of Autral’

The Machine stopped. “The library knows we can’t talk much about the people who came before the master, Such as you. A leader of my planet must not know of the leaders before them... But they can rule the planet in any way they feel fit to. They can know the names of the leaders who came before or will come. The library will tell of them now”.

‘Yes sir.

Lord Sane of Black Fendi, Lord Shad who began the Black Fendi movement, Lord Palatiouse Former leader of the Fendi Army, Lord der of Black Fendi, Miss. Daalayana a girl Vox from the Fondala sector, Jabbal, Lord Jark of Black Fendi, Miss. Audra Dreaper of Autral...’

“Wait”. The Machine was interrupted by Parish who now realized that he was more than he ever was. “Im actually a dead planet overlord and... And Jark was once a Dark Lord here too”.

“Yes. Why do you question of Jark’s once rain on our great world”? Melpom asked.

“Well. I now remember who I was more than ever and ... I knew Jark, He could never be good enough to be a leader”.

“You don’t need to know a hole lot to become a leader of this world, You just live here and others do what there told. Library, Tell Lord Parish of the Spirits of this world”....

The Uaoni destroyer, Chime, Hovered near A blue marble. Not for a game of sorts. But for a mission. This planet was told of in many stories. Beautiful but deadly. If they were talking of this planet, They were talking of Deadline, One of the key elements of the Galaxy, Holding balance in the Power of the Fendi and Purgatory.

Most of the Officers on the huge atrocity were fear stricken because of the ghost stories spread across the galaxy but Trant was a fearless admiral of great stature with no regard of such filth as fantasy. Trant delft with hard reality.

Standing at a console. on either side of the bustling bridge were Atam Walkers on the right and Anty Willuns on the left. Oh, There were many consuls besides just the two but the attention was basically focused on Atam and Anty. Other computers were probably operated by passing workers.

Trant sat in his room impatiently for the Uaoni Rescuers to land on the dark planet. In the bay, The Uaoni Commandos led by Boss Commander Prina waited.

Atam walked over to Anty and started cracking. “Boy, I can’t wait to get of this ship”. Anty grinned, still looking at his console, He then looked up at a board yet joking face of Atam. “I know you don’t like Trant but you must keep your loyalty to the Uaoni Royal Navy and to the delegation”.

“But Trant can be a real Space creature some times. I am sorry to sound babyish about the hole thing but all he rules is poop and the deck.. And Poop aint left This deck yet. Maintenance is still mopping”.

Atam yelled with laughter.

“Keep your voice down, Raison will hear you”.

Trant had asked the guardian of Atam Walkers to head the lead of captain at the bridge for this mission. Anty’s eyes motioned Atam to turn around. He knew that musk, Atam did, That smell changed his expression to that of concern of fear and turmoil. “She is behind me, Isn’t she”? Anty didn’t respond but went back to his consol. Atam slowly turned his head to see a large muscled figure. The female standing was none other than Raison Walkers. Raison raised her hand back, then thrust it forward, Hitting Atam in the back of the head.

“Get back to work or you won’t be getting that female android Granny promised”!

Raison screeched.

“Whaaaa, ah, ah. YOU HIT ME”! Atam snickered, As he turned back to his consol....


‘Malfunction’ the library squawked.

“Library. Please continue for our Lord.. If you can”. Melpom said.

‘Yes Sir. There was an interference.

The spirits are as follows: The Queen Till Of Fun and Pranking (Pranks Visitors), Emgran Of Evil (rule maker) Jose, Quprin Of The Hunt (killer of trespassers)’.

“These are the only Spirits here”? Parish questioned.

“With ranks anyway. There are Spirits called the forgotten. Spirits with such evil that they can’t even be given a rank. They are mostly known as Vamps or Cloakests. These Vamps where Cloaks. There bodies are made of the many who died by there hand, The Mist, We call it”. Melpom spoke.

‘I shall tell of the other spirits’ Library said.

‘The Usse (oos)kind protectors. The Esofp run through the flat lands called The Plains Of Stillness, They can scream so loudly that a mans head could crack under the pressure’....

Chapter 9, The Info

The Jungle Of Forever would seem to never end, but it did... Plus, The jungle connected to the other climate destinations on the planet. The Waist Land Of Fall all ways was dark, covered with leafs, and had tall trees that were dead. Every one of the trees were alive, But by the looks of them the bark was dead, the sap was dead, and the body.. But the personality hung in the branches. Is there water on the planet, No, But there is death so there is no need for consumption.. Drink or otherwise. The Tundra Of Weeping was much colder than any Ice planet. The sound of wind blasted so hard in your ears that later on the sounds become hollowed cries. The Plains Of Stillness was almost twenty yards of flat grass unmoving. The plains had no taste in the air nor any wind. The only life on the plains were Esofp, Evil Spirits Of Fun and Pranking that would frolic.

The planet, Deadline, Never moved or spun. The planet would just stand in place, There were four suns standing in a circle around the planet. Sun Of Tatal Daoth was a part of The Tundra Of Weeping, Icy blue, But burning to the touch. Sun Of Tatal Suswan was the red sun of stillness, Sun Of Tatal Weshmi was the dark, evil, and ecliptic sun of fall. Sun Of Tatal Infore was the beautiful green sun of forever. ...


“I will send you to make a home, Choose it to be where ever you please, It can be from the smallest, to the biggest place imaginable. The rest of this time you shall not need me to tell you anything. You are my lord and master, I bid you welcome to your holy dwelling”.

Parish acknowledged Melpom’s mentioning of his new life and left the Afyac Temple Of Evil....

Being blinded by sun light wasn’t the only thing of annoyance when Parish came out from the temple but also was The Questioning’s voice.

“Will that be all sir”?

“I’ll tell you when I need any thing”. Parish replied.

“Yes sir. Remember, From now on you shall pass”.


In his quarters on the Chime, Trant pressed a small button on his black mettle arm connected to his thin design of a chair. That button activated a communication frequency witch led to the bridge. “Tell the Uaoni troopers to drop immediately to the surface”.

Admiral Trant spoke in a clear neat voice, The sound of power.

“Yes sir”. The voice of Raison crackled from the comm speaker attached to the one arm on the chair. In Trant’s room was a cot near the front wall. In the left corner was the one arm chair that Trant would sit. On the right side of the room was a shelf which held books on the battle strategy and Admiral’s journals. Trant had his own way of battle that no one seemed to beat. The color of the room was a dark red and was lit up by purple light which dangled near his sliding door. Trant sat there, With hope and determination for the rescue of Parish, Fendi’s finest.

Parish had to change his looks to suit his new life. He sat on a stump covered in snow, Daoth beating on him. This place was a mixture of cold and warmth. Picking up a near by rock, slowly, Parish shaved each follicle of hair on his head. After he was done he left to look for articles of cloth. He had found Black clothing from Uaoni Explorers and Black Fendi. He fashioned the different material by tarring them up and ripping the insignia from the suits, Than he found ways to place them on his own clothing, He had also made a cape afterwards. Taking that same rock he had shaved with, Parish drove it into his hands, Allowing the blood to drench the rock. Parish, Then took two pieces of cloth and tightened them around his wounds. Utilizing his powers, He healed Heal The wounds, sealing them shut.

Parish now took another near by rock and hit the back of the other rock, With the blood on it, against his skin, Forming a red line leading from the right side of his head to the right side of his jaw.


“Why the Gal are we just sitting here on our humps, When we actually, Could go and get this guy”. Uaoni 149 said as he and seven other Uaoni Navy Troops sat half on either side of the Box. The Box was a box shape hover craft which was dropped to the surface of a planet. The Box is only used once but then is left behind. It usually caries troops to the places most people wouldn’t go. Prina sat on the right sight and was easy to spot. Her boss command uniform was a darker green than all the other troops. Her blazer and pants were a silk camouflage, But the other Troops wore bright purple camouflage jump suits, Back packs, and a utility belt. The belt held a Armed Blade, Shield, and two extra guns.
Inside the Pack were three containers of water, Small Laser Launcher, Two Communication devices, and Shades. Prina wore a ruff textured, blue cap. Next to her was a small green communication device with a blue grip. “Okay, ~crrrack~, You may ~zzz~ send down the Uaoni”. The voice of Raison Walkers came from the small Communicator, The static made it hard to hear, But Prina understood enough. Prina reached for the small Comm, Then placed the end near her mouth. “Confirmed”. She said and received the reply. “Go time will be in ten minuets.


The Cave Of Odiar, What was that? That was the question formed on every ones lips. Stories have been passed about Deadline. The stories involved things and kings on that planet, But that cave was not one of them.

Parish never wondered about the cave, All he knew was it had diamonds. Clear, bright, glowing, red, ruby diamonds. Diamonds, If cut right, are used for a power source in Laser guns. Wires are hooked to that Diamond and then into a concave atop the barrel, causing light and power to reflect through the gem and up through a battery source. Depending how the diamond was carved, Would depend how fast the gun would shoot. If Parish could create a new weapon, He would be protected. Diamonds could be used for a light source as well and could be grown into objects such as flying ships.
That’s why he wanted to be at this cave, Not because he could or would be the founder of it, But because he wanted a weapon.

This is what Parish wanted, Light source.... And protection...

“Demaric, We are getting a visual on my screen”.

Lieutenant Krilo said.

Demaric casually walked to Krilo’s monitor.

“Yes, I see. Krilo, Set a transport fo... No, Scratch that. Tell Trant Im going down with the other Uaoni”. Demaric spoke in a deep tone.

“But sir, The Box was full, There is no more room”.

“Then I will make room, Inform now or try my patients”.

“Yes sir”. Krilo said as he grabbed a device from his belt.

“Admiral, Demaric wants to leave with the others”

“Who Will take over for him”? Trant’s voice spoke from the Comm. “I need two on deck, Raison can’t just captain alone. The men will be restless”. .

“I beg to differ, I think she could take care of a hole planet just by pulling a finger”. Atam raised a voice from his console.

“Ignore that sir... I suggest Vadation for second in command”.

“Who counter acted my words”? Trant asked.

“Oh, About Raison? That was just Admiral Atam Walkers, Stationed here.. I guess he had nothing better to do”.

“Put him in charge”. Trant said.

“WHAT, But sir I could do it...”.

“Don’t make me order you”.

“Yes sir, Krilo. Out”. Krilo fasted his device to the side of his belt and continued.

“Well, It looks like you won this one again, Demaric, Your going down”.

“And it’s the last time you’ll speak to me in that manner, Krilo”.

Using his power, Demaric sent pain through Krilo’s body.

As Krilo sat at his screen He couldn’t figure why Demaric didn’t leave for the Box transport. They wouldn’t wait for long.. Not even for a Sarlith.

Out of no where a pain unbearable, appeared in his back. Krilo tried his best to reach, but it was to late, The pain had moved down his legs. Now his head was in pain, In so much pain that he started to see the evil before him. Finely, With one last breath, The pain was too much.... And he died. Demaric didn’t know how they were getting the images of Parish in front of this cave, At the bottom of the screen it said. ~Receiving data from probe~. Demaric didn’t care about Technology, Thought it got in the way. Ships were nice, But weapons, Demaric didn’t use them but he knew Parish did. All he wanted was revenge, To kill Parish for becoming the most powerful Sarlith and second in command of the Fendi army.

“Anty, Get over here and take over for Lieutenant Krilo”.

Demaric yelled from across the room.

“Yes sir. Anty ran to the screen, Thinking about diligence as the key to leadership.

Demaric turned and left as if nothing had ever happened, Or nothing will.


Life Detection, The one power of a Fendi, Was automatic for Parish and he sensed it, All around him. But this detection wasn’t of planet spirits, But of human. He sensed them behind him.

Quickly, Parish turned. It wasn’t just the roundness, Or even the one antenna, Even the flotation wasn’t the reason he was clueless. But it was just the fact that this probe was fixated, Watching Parish at this very moment, and behind that lense, Millions were watching him, Far away. Quickly, Some thing told him to look up, As if the command were from some one he detected.

Slowly, But steadily. He looked up to see a large Uaoni Destroyer, Hovering near the planet. “Get out of here”. Parish yelled towards the sky. Some how, In some way Parish allowed Madness to manifest itself in his vanes. Now he would never want to leave, Or did he. Parish didn’t know.

“Come back, Rescue me. No Stay away, Aha ha, ha, ha,ha”. At one point his face seemed happy to see the ship, hovering over head. At another point, His face would turn to a face of tired baggy eyes and evil laughing grins.

One thing was for sure, He had to get those crystals, And he had to have them now.

Chapter 10, Lord of All

The Temple Of Afyac, A place where no one shall pass, Except for Lord Parish and the Spirit Leaders. This is where the Spirits gathered at this moment.

Melpom spoke the names out loud as his human form shaped upon a chair in front of a long table. As he spoke them, Each would sit as there human form on each side of that table.

Anhouitu had long stiff hair, Green eyes. His stench was that of a human with disease that hadn’t been taken care of for seven centuries.

Ageenab was a beautiful feminine with a slender body, But at least they all could smell her over the reek of Asseaz.

Hulum looked as gracious as no one had ever existed, And he looked forgiving of everyone. His eyes glowed a gold sight.

Arsrapis had a pointy chin beard and red cat like eyes.

The hole people, The hole family of Spirits were there.. Except Parish. They didn’t want him there. This was private and all about Parish, Lord of Deadline...


“Who’s there”!? Prina yelled as she felt a presence amongst her troops in the box. All she knew was that some one was there, Only the person wouldn’t manifest.

“Are you nuts”!? 149 yelled.

“Quiet, You fool. I am Commander”! Prina said As she used her right hand to put the Communication device into her bottom left side of her blazer, Prina reached up over and behind her head using her left hand, pressed a red square button which read console in white letters. Prina placed her hands on her lap as a prim or proper.

A small square hole appeared in between her legs on the floor where she was sitting. A small console rose up from the hole. The console was white with rubber grip trim and a long thin post was connected on the bottom leading into the hole. She pressed a gold round button and the consol rushed back into the hole just as the floor closed. The only way of site was the Uaoni night vision goggles, Other wise it was pure darkness. The Box released it’s clamps as the bay doors opened, Letting it out into space vacuum. Like cars passing a house and reflecting light, Red burst of green and other colors passed through the small Box. It was the light from the suns of Deadline, Creating a collide scope effect. Right when the Box hits the ground, The four walls will fall straight down, Leaving the troops to do there job. The closer they got, The more heat and fear struck there hearts and throats became, And the closer, Closer they came to Deadline, You could almost hear the words from a dry mouth, That of a dryness never heard or felt of before. “I swear, Some one else is here.. Some one besides my Troops”.....
Among the trees, below the Atmosphere, and between the snowy capped mountains lie dead silence of wind and other similar yet otherwise weird whoosh like sounds. The freak like nature of the different climates through out the planet Deadline didn’t help much for some of the troops looking for a certain some one named Parish. About the time the Box was sent down, The Sun Of Tatal Infore burst into chunks of burning flame, then compressed into stars. This let them pass in a straight line then into the planets atmosphere. Now, Prina stood in a clearing with the seven other Uaoni. Intra 149 was Mecaso, A Communications expert, Code Red Uaoni was Steve Adams, Second command, Code Blue Uaoni was Dr. Biti Frech, The physician, Bull Uaoni was a scout, 4029 was a lookout, 7 was a weapons expert, and 5.6 was the status writer. Some one extra was there, But no one could feel or know who it was.. Prina felt it’s presence.

The clearing in which they stood was in The Jungle Of Forever. Prina barked out almost as if she were a drill Sargent
”Code Red, You and blue head through the forest. Bull, You should stay in the tallest tree here, keep look out. 149, Stay here and keep communications open for us, The Bull, and the ship. As always, If anything strange happens, Keep communication silence just encase what ever happens, They or.... It can’t track us, Any of us. I will take the long way so that I might get some bearings or find our target”. 149 stood straight with confidence but the Bull seemed to quiver with slight fear. 149 slapped Bull on the back, causing him to jump sky high with a piercing scream. “Its okay, Bull. Fears good for the soul”.

“Lay off, 4-9". Code blue said. Many of times, Blue had said this during the commanders Bar Leaves. “Are you all Delvits”. Blue said. A Delvit was a derogatory term for one who sends out very little troops to kill big groups of men, The term was used by Uaoni troops sense the incident when Admiral Devlia of the Uaoni Navy sent troops out to kill Black Fendi. The only problem was, The troops were so small a squadron, It didn’t do any good except get them selves all killed. The Black Fendi repaid this gift of troops with a nice surprise of resistance them selves, Supposedly killing the Admiral.

Boss commander Prina scoffed at the words but kept to her self. “We gotta get off diss spirit filled nut house” Code Blue spoke, Blue was dark skinned and had a very stale sense of humor. None of the Uaoni hardly had any thing to eat or drink all day and of course, This is what made them jumpy when they added that to the fact, They were on a spirit filled planet. “If there are spirits here, They won’t harm us, because we are the good guys”. Prina said, firm with her words, yet some what sarcastic. Prina stared at each solder,, Then, She started to feel more like them, Fearful, Yet, More control.

She continued her firm words but, with a more pleasant tone. “As we walk through and to our destinations, I think you’ll know what we are looking for when we find him. Remember, This is a rescue operation, not a shooting spree. We will meat up at the top of the planet.. NO! seeing the sites unless you really, Possibly have to, Only to find the target, Parish”. Prina’s eyes began to tear, But then she bit her lip, Changed her tone, and scowled her face as she yelled. “All right Troops, Lets find a Fendi”. This term was used as well, But only herd from Prina . This was a meaning of ‘Lets Go’!. She clapped her hands twice and all ran to there starting points....

“Yes, Run”. A figure said as it changed to more than a figure, But a set of eyes, legs, and Arms. “He will see what it’s like to loose for a change”. This figure was none other than Demaric, A child hood rival, ready for blood thirst and the death of the man they call, Parish. Only to Demaric, He was Young Parish, And little did any of the people of the outside would know, To the Spirits of Deadline saw him as Lord Parish.
He was scared, And ‘a Uaoni Trooper should not be scared’, Bull thought as he looked down at the figure who had came from thin air. Quickly, Bull took his Shield Guard from his belt and was about to switch it on when the figure turned around.

Quickly, Bull took his Communication device and yelled. “Communication Silence...”! But before he could finish, Bull was vaporized in some form of Power from the Figure....

“This is easy. I hate easy”. Demaric said to him self in an all to familiar voice Of Parish. Demaric had the same feelings as Parish did... If it were to easy, It wasn’t fun or challenging to the mind, So, Demaric would take it slow, as if he were tracking down a Dragon on the sands of Trobik....


“So, Do you think we should tell him”?

“About the bell of wishes, Are you crazy, He will turn as greedy as the last. Just Like Dreaper, Parish will ask for Castles, Monuments, Statues.. All made in his name! REMEMBER, All items were in her name, Her name”! Arsrapis pointed out. Usually, Arsrapis would want there lord to be greedy just to see them fall later, But now he didn’t want it to turn out as Dreaper’s stay at the planet did, Slavery. Greed usually causes the fall of man but with Dreaper it made her more powerful.

“I under stand, Spirits, That every time a person comes here and becomes a lord it’s more of a risk that we and others become slaves just as Dreaper did, But her time was up.. And so will his be, Besides, The Power it self has reassured me that...”. Melpom stopped.

The Power which Fendi and Purgatory possessed spoke to the spirits.

“Yes, yes. The Power has told you he is good or such none sense”.

“YES, He is. You doubt the Power’s words to me”. Melpom spoke angry.

“Yes sir”. Arsrapis replied with a low growl.

“As for me. I WILL! Tell Pari.. I mean, Lord Parish of the Bell of Wishes”. Arsrapis said.

“There will be no time for the bell, I was just informed by The Power that he needs to leave Deadline and that the Power had broken it’s treaty with Purgatory, Purgatorys still have the Power but can not speak to it. Parish was punished and the Power didn’t like it... Allow the troops to rescue Parish.. The Power had destroyed one of our suns to allow passage of there Box”.


Over a fiery pit on the planet Recore Le Grand, An Extra Huntsman or Bounty Hunter known as Org Tally Ump closed in on his prey, On the Tram witch seems to only go faster and faster, Causing Tallies long black hair to flow back, Almost knocking him and the man down. Org placed his hands near his guns on his belt.
“Time for your death”. Tally yelled in a way that wasn’t angry or frustrated, Although there was a hint of frustration in what he said to the man. Tallies voice was Decisive and full of assurance, As he was when ever he went for any man.. Or woman.
“Not by your hand”! The man yelled in an angry voice, A voice that was tired of being chased for over a year.

Slowly, The man lifted his arms in a thought of suicide into the fiery pit below, But before he had a chance to throw him self out into the Summit, He felt the heat and plasma strike from Two guns, As he Looked down and saw a burn through his cloth’s, The man coughed, Now, After a year of chasing, This common thief... Was Dead On the Tram. Tally went over and whispered, His voice coming from his mask witch covered only his mouth.
“I told you, Im not the good guy, And neither are you. I got the gun, Thief”.
At one time, This man who now was dead, Confronted Tally to confide in him. ‘Im not the good guy, Plus, I Got the guns’. The man was told, The man had also told him that he was the good guy, And that all he did was steel a piece Fruit to feed his family when they were living in hard times on the planet Cory, Friend to Purgatory. Purgatory sent a bounty hunter and here we are.

Org felt a vibration near the back of his belt. This rumble was from his Communication Device. Ump quickly switched it on and began to speak.
“Org Tally Ump, Hunter for higher. How did you get this frequency”?

The voice came in poorly , but , Good enough to understand some words.

“Anty, Of the Uaoni...Na~~~.. Your Assistance is needed at Deadline in the Mythical System. Your mission is as follow. Wait until you find out whether our commandos have found Sarlith Parish....”.
Anty was interrupted .
“Excuse me? Young Parish”? Tally remembered a young friend named Parish during the glory days.

“Ahmmm, Sarlith Parish. If they have not found him , You mus~`~- go down to the planet your self to find Parish. Your payment will be 80.000 Coin”.

“You have to be kidding.... The mythical System”!? Tally said as he remembered in his youth about stories of a planet called Deadline.
“The Mythical System, Mister Ump, The My-~ical System“....

Chapter 11, Seeing is Seeing
“To make a long story shorter. All the Uaoni commandos died by my hand because I thought they were assassins trying to kill me.. Demaric was left behind and became lord of Deadline and I was rescued by Org.
Viger looked at Parishes black colored eye, The blind. Than Viger looked at the blood tattoo on his face. “It’s not real”! Viger said. “The book is not just based on the life of Jack the ripper, But mine. You see I was writing this book called the history of white chapel, It was as if all my life I had demons following me just to make my life a damn hell. Now Ill never get home to publish it, I was never meant to publish it”. Parish stood, Grabbed the book, Than flipped through it’s pages than closed it. Parish walked to a near by port hole, Pressed a button than released the book into space. Parish shut the tiny port hole and sat back down. “That book represents your pain, Sir, Do you really need to tuck your pain away inside your pocket. I know, I have my pain... Dead on another planet for years and still alone, Lost my girl during a war”. Viger looked at Parish. “Mine too”. “Well, Than we both have some thing in common, My litu is gone and so is your... Whats her name”? “Valley Beau”. “Your not the only one in the Gal. On an asteroid a man still fights with his divorce e, For years they have stood and fought as two ships stood watch over that hunk of rock. The name of the man was Emperor Ecc, No body knows what he is emperor of anymore because he and her have been there for centuries”. Viger felt tired and
layed his head back to his cot. “There are some things I miss of home”. Viger gasped as he fell into a deep sleep.


The sun rose warmth over the planet earth.. On a small homestead, The sound of an egg cracks. Sizzling in the air. Down the steps came Chase viger and his brother Brian. Both twelve sat with smiles on there face at a large wood table. Earth, Gloriouse earth was still alive. Lush was the gardens. Smiles came... Untouched by the evil of the outside worlds. The children smiled at each other and than night came. Brian and Chase laughing as they looked at the stars. “Lets go back in, Chase”. Brian said, Yawning. “No, I want to think of space”. Chase said as he looked up. But just before they entered there home, Military vehicles came, Blotting out the sun reys.
“Come Brian, Your country needs you in the third war of our nations”. A marine said as Brian waved good bye and went off to his death.

Viger woke on his cot, Crying. “Home! Home”! He missed being young. The third war lasted years on earth but he remembered his brother... Gone. He fell to the floor, Screaming and crying. “My girl, My brother”. Parish stood. “I’ve lost my family”. Parish said. Still crying he said. “But did you loose a planet”?
Tears fell. “Im the last of my kind. No human exists”. Viger cradled himself in the silence. Parish kept quiet. Look hard at Parish’s face. A tear, It had been some time since he had shed one.


Demaric was alive and very well. Anger flowed through him as bionic equipment linked through his body to the ship. He would find Parish and his large ship would do the trick, Demaric was the ship. Bigger than the Deadly Sun. This man was no longer Fendi or Uaoni nor was he black Fendi, He was cyborg. Demarics mind scanned the darkness of space. “There”. Demaric said aloud. “Hes on the Deadly Sun”? Demaric didn’t understand why a Fendi was on a black Fendi battle ship but it would be destroyed. Black was his ship, Spider like creatures crawled all over the beast in space, Fixing its intricate parts. Demaric would have his revenge.


“Don’t dwell, Ill take your burden, I have that power”. Parish said as he placed a hand on Viger’s chest and closed his eyes. Viger’s breathing became heavy and his chest tight. A warm feeling came over him and for the first time in a long time Viger felt light of heavy things.


Demaric came fast, To fast and he cloaked him self near the Deadly sun.

“I feel that some one is here. Demaric”! Parish said aloud. “Prina is on board”. He continued. “There looking for me”. Quickly, Parish grabbed Viger’s arm and exited the room. Quickly, They ducked behind a wall. “Prina”. Parish said. Prina was talking to guards and then turned to walk. “Parish, Come out”.

Closer Demaric came, Uncloaked. “Fire”! He screamed and missiles as big as planets decimated the deadly sun. “He is still alive”? The cyborg screeched. Demaric grabbed at his wires and pulled them out, He stood and walked to the back of his ships bay. Quickly he opened the hatch and allowed the suction of air to take him into space.

What do you think. Is it boring? And could you help me with my writers block?

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Old 06-06-2008, 05:54 AM
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Hi, Jay. You might want to consider posting up just the first chapter initially, wait a few days for people to respond, then move on from there. This is quite a long read as it's posted presently, and you'd get more responses if people had smaller chunks to deal with. About 3,000 words is a good bit for people to get their minds around.

Just some friendly advice.

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Old 06-06-2008, 04:58 PM
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regardless of what you've got so far, 100 pages does not a novel make... and it's way too long for a short story, so you need to either shorten it or make sure you have enough plot/storyline to make it a full-fledged novel...

fyi, there's next to no market for novellas, so to maximize your chances of having it published, you need to stick to short story or novel...
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Old 06-06-2008, 09:08 PM
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Hi Jay; I admire your imagination and prolific-ness (not sure that's a word).
The names of your characters, planets and places are very interesting.
Having said that, I feel that you have way too much going on with too many
different scenarios, different times, different power groups, people and planets
right off the bat. Mind you, I've only read up to where Viger sees Vilaya, spirit
of the forest. If you could devote more time to each scenario and bridge them
together in a clearer way, you'd have quite a book.
I see a lot of jumping around from situation to situation with little explanaton
and not a lot of background, though you have given us somewhat of an
understandable intro.
Slow down, take a deep breath and imagine yourself to be the reader. Then, go
over your piece and start editing. I agree with Devon about posting a lot of
pages all at once. Give us smaller chunks, they'll be a lot easier to work with!

P.S., the book is not boring.

'Best, E

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Old 06-07-2008, 06:31 PM
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I agree with much of what ehoeveler said.

The story is not boring, but it is very difficult to follow. A story like this takes considerable planning. You have to ensure the reader understand every aspect of it - and more importantly, remembers what they have already read. To do that, you have to fully develop the characters and situations.
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Old 06-16-2008, 05:06 AM
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okay i'm going to post these chapters one at a time. i am also going to develop the characters more. Explain the backgrounds more.
then i will post what i have and then yall can tell me what you think
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Old 06-20-2008, 03:57 AM
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Originally Posted by HanksBigShow View Post

The story is not boring, but it is very difficult to follow. A story like this takes considerable planning. You have to ensure the reader understand every aspect of it - and more importantly, remembers what they have already read. To do that, you have to fully develop the characters and situations.
You should also know where you're going with the story. Too many times have I sat down to write, finished it, but looking back I realised that it wasn't at all what I had planned, and wasn't as effective. I may have missed critical plot points that I had to now find a place to put in with little editing, or just rewrite the whole thing. This actually happened with my novel, which has undergone considerable rewriting over the last 7 years.

This may not be the case for you, but it certainly would have helped me 7 years ago to plot everything out before hand. Now I have a million and a half index cards with every scene and chapter written on them for the future :-p.
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