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Yesterday

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  #1  
Old 04-15-2018, 05:51 PM
Elenita (Offline)
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Default Yesterday


Yesterday you were beautiful
Amber light shining on you
Like the sun waking up
A sleeping garden of roses
You wore a crown of petals
Dandelions picked before they
Turned to clusters of wishes
That you whispered to the wind

Yesterday you were beautiful
Fragrant with the scent of dawn
Like a pillow of perfume broke
And seeped into your skin
You loved that color of softener
Always added an extra cup
To cushion the lace and linens
That danced around your perfection

Yesterday you were beautiful
The stained strawberry of your lips
Like a vial of nectar pouring into mine
Sweeter than a crushed pomegranate
Your fingers in my palm like a bow
Ribbons and satin framing you
A princess on her throne of my heart
That I crowned with a kiss on your forehead

Yesterday you were beautiful
And I loved
The satisfaction of your design
So I pressed
A bundle of bills into the hand
Of the undertaker
Making him promise to keep you
Beautiful always

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  #2  
Old 04-16-2018, 03:59 PM
Palindrome (Offline)
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Good imagery. I like the floral theme; it's consistent, gently melancholy and in harmony with the ending.
I'd lose the second stanza: the softener is a bit jarring, and the verse doesn't really add any substance.
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Elenita (04-16-2018)
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Old 05-01-2018, 09:26 PM
Lingard (Offline)
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Hi. I’m no poet. And I’m brand new around here. But I’ll give you some feedback.
I like the repetition of ‘yesterday you were beautiful’ and the general structure of the poem. I think it works well with the subject matter.
I like the way you have contrasted the old-world, almost ‘fairy-tale’ descriptions of the beauty of your subject, with more jarring, contemporary language, like” ….that colour of softener/always added an extra cup”, and: “….pressed a bundle of bills into the hand of the undertaker”. It’s good because it brings out the possibility (probability) that you are being sarcastic with your previously overly romantic descriptions.
I also like the way the last verse serves as a punch-line. It works very well in my opinion.
For me, though, the second verse just seems a little out of place in a way. I get the point of it; it shows the vanity and maybe superficiality of your subject, BUT this sentiment is not really explored or extended in any of the other verses. If you could just slot in a couple of hints in verse one and/or verse three, it might work even better. As it is, verse two just seems to stand out on its own a bit too much. But it’s a great verse in its own right, and I’d rather you leave it in than chop it.
Hope that makes sense. Well done, I really like it.
Cheers.
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Elenita (05-01-2018)
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Old 05-01-2018, 09:38 PM
Elenita (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Lingard View Post
Hi. I’m no poet. And I’m brand new around here. But I’ll give you some feedback.
I like the repetition of ‘yesterday you were beautiful’ and the general structure of the poem. I think it works well with the subject matter.
I like the way you have contrasted the old-world, almost ‘fairy-tale’ descriptions of the beauty of your subject, with more jarring, contemporary language, like” ….that colour of softener/always added an extra cup”, and: “….pressed a bundle of bills into the hand of the undertaker”. It’s good because it brings out the possibility (probability) that you are being sarcastic with your previously overly romantic descriptions.
I also like the way the last verse serves as a punch-line. It works very well in my opinion.
For me, though, the second verse just seems a little out of place in a way. I get the point of it; it shows the vanity and maybe superficiality of your subject, BUT this sentiment is not really explored or extended in any of the other verses. If you could just slot in a couple of hints in verse one and/or verse three, it might work even better. As it is, verse two just seems to stand out on its own a bit too much. But it’s a great verse in its own right, and I’d rather you leave it in than chop it.
Hope that makes sense. Well done, I really like it.
Cheers.
Thanks for your detailed feedback! I really appreciate it!
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Old 05-01-2018, 10:20 PM
Lingard (Offline)
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Well, it's the first feedback i've done on here. So hope it's okay.
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