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Guns spread wide apart

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  #1  
Old 07-06-2007, 07:04 PM
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Default Guns spread wide apart


Guns spread wide apart

It’s finally over, it’s finally over, it’s fin finally finished.
Now I sit here on the ground beaten, with my guns spread wide apart.
I look around me, everyone else is dead.
I can feel the bullets inside of me
Her arms squeeze me tighter
The pain from the bullets and the pain of her hug are obviously different
The sniffing from her nose catches my attention
Unfortunately she too was in the middle of this mess
Her pain is different, she’s been shot too, but her pain is still emotional
The love of her life is about to perish
I look down to her, and even at this moment, our eye contact is still beautiful
She offers me that bashful smile of hers
“Tell me a story.” She request
I recite to her about elements in our lives that meant something to our love.
I tell her about the purple room we first met in.
The brown-framed glasses that covered her beautiful face at one point
Then the brick made bench that we had our first kiss on
A ring I held in my hand as I drove to her, when she was on the other side of the world
And I sing to her the tune that was playing when we first made love to each other.
I look down at her one more time and notice that she no longer breathes.
The deep wounds inside of her have taken her life before mine.
I continue the story even though she’s gone.
I say it for my sake, because it is my turn to hear a happy ending.


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Old 07-07-2007, 06:57 AM
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Very original and creative and very well done!
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Old 07-10-2007, 05:12 AM
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I like the poem even though I feel it is overloaded with excess words. This is good now, but could be far better with a judicious trimming. Nice work.
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Old 07-10-2007, 10:09 AM
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What kind of judicious trimmings? Give examples.
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Old 07-12-2007, 02:43 AM
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I really like the content of this poem and the scene of utter desolation is imment. There is a deep need for the speaker to finish the story. As I reader I felt for the speaker and I too wanted the happy ending.

If I may, I think I agree with Gary. If you want an example of what I think would make it stronger (mind you, you've got a very strong image already.)

The line "I recite to her about elements in our lives that meant something to our love."
Could be edited to be something like;
I recite to her about the elements in our lives.
I tell her about the purple room we first met in.

You know the importance of the the lines and you understand the strong meaning each can carry to the reader. In cutting out "that meant something to our love." You show us with the next line instead of telling us.
I hope I make sense and this helps.
Really enjoyed the read! Hope to see more!
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Old 07-12-2007, 04:47 AM
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Makes good sense. I appreciate the feedback, I can see where your comming withthat. Thanks
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Old 07-12-2007, 08:09 AM
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Here is an example of what I am talking about. I did a quick edit to remove what I thought were words and phrasing that were just cluttering this up. Your original has 270 words. My edit leaves 199. See what you think. If you like it, good. If you don't, oh well - tastes differ.
It’s over; over, finished.
I sit on the ground beaten, guns spread wide apart,
look around - everyone is dead.

I feel bullets inside
as her arms squeeze me tighter,
pain from bullets and pain of her hug are different.

Her sniffs catch my attention.

Caught in the middle of this mess
her pain is different,
she’s been shot, but her pain is emotional,
the love of her life is perishing.

I look at her, our eye contact is still beautiful.

She offers me that bashful smile of hers, “Tell me a story.”

I share moments in our lives that gave meaning to our love:
the purple room where we met,
brown-framed glasses that covered her beautiful face,
the brick made bench where we first kissed,
a ring I held in my hand as I drove to her,
when she was on the other side of the world.

I sing the tune that played when we first made love.

I look down, see that she no longer breathes.
Her wounds inside have taken her life before mine.

Even though she’s gone, I continue the story.
I say it for my sake;
It’s my turn to hear a happy ending.
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Old 07-12-2007, 08:31 PM
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You should punctuate.

The story of two lovers on a battle field is beautiful, but to be honest, I would have enjoyed this much more as a story. There isn't anything that is holding it down as a poem other than the fact that it is in verse. You could add things to it, and then it would sit better as a poem. For example if you gave it a rhythm, or gave it more imagery and let it speak to the reader, and have us feel with the character. Go beyond just capturing the moment, put me in it, and make me cry with them.
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Old 07-13-2007, 12:48 PM
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I like the metaphors you use, however like others have said I feel it is very wordy, not just as gary_wagner (and others?) said with the amount of words in lines, but also in the repetition of words/phrases. Maybe by trying to center more on the metaphor and less on the words you could come up with something...
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  #10  
Old 07-13-2007, 04:04 PM
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I like the spacing of it and I've read along side witht the original. I do like what you did, And I can even modify it myself a little more after that. Thanks for the feedback and example Gary.
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