So, confused by this chapter, I went back and read through the first chapter you had--to get some insight into what was going on. So my comments are kind of collaborative for both parts.
First, as most major stores have really kicked up their "check the receipt at the door" practices, they are technically not able to stop a shopping customer to get their bags, purses, whatever else. Even if they see someone stick something inside their pants, they have to wait until the customer is about to leave the store before they could stop them and accuse them of "theft." Otherwise, it's well within the customer's rights to declare that they were planning on paying for it still.
So in the first part where the employee told the customer she wanted him to let them hold his backpack at the counter--that wouldn't happen. If it did, especially with the unnecessary search, he'd have a reasonable case against Walmart. I mean, if someone in the store asked me to let them hold on to/search my purse as I was shopping, I'd be pissed. Just not realistic and it makes the story improbable.
I was also confused by the change from the customer in the auto dept and then saying that he wanted to find some toys. A bit abrupt, although there may be a reason in the story later that I'm not yet aware of.
And lastly, dialogue is a hard thing to write well. I often have trouble creating believe speech and conversations in a story. With that being said, I found that what the two were saying to each other was a little awkward at times. It didn't really flow well, and I was having some trouble hearing the conversation as I was reading it. Maybe just going back through and reading it out loud would help to find some of those "trouble" spots--where it doesn't feel quite real.
Hope this helps!
This Is Your Life and It's Ending One Minute At a Time . . .
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