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Portals chapter 2 (please give feedback)

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Old 05-27-2010, 07:41 PM
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Default Portals chapter 2 (please give feedback)


"I'm sorry, I think we got off on the wrong foot. My name is Jessie." He stuck out his hand and smiled sincerely.

"Lauren." She shook his hand. Lauren blushed and guided him to the toy department.


"So how old is your brother?" She asked, trying to make conversation.


"He is turning eight tomorrow. He's into ninja turtles." Jessie smiled and nodded to Lauren.


"Okay I'll help you find them." She walked with him up and down two isles then realised that she had a complete 'brain fart' and totally missed them. Lauren diverted to the correct isle. Her mind was on a different planet. She was paying more attention to Jessie than to the task at hand.


"Hmmm did we go in a circle. Do you actually know where we're heading?" Jessie chuckled in good fun.


"uhm yeah I'm just uh..." She began to stutter. Lauren took a defensive posture.


"Put off guard? That's okay... I tend to do that." Jessie clapped his hands together. He gave Lauren a fist pound.


"uh.... sure..." Lauren's eyes darted back and forth.
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Old 05-28-2010, 10:12 AM
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So, confused by this chapter, I went back and read through the first chapter you had--to get some insight into what was going on. So my comments are kind of collaborative for both parts.

First, as most major stores have really kicked up their "check the receipt at the door" practices, they are technically not able to stop a shopping customer to get their bags, purses, whatever else. Even if they see someone stick something inside their pants, they have to wait until the customer is about to leave the store before they could stop them and accuse them of "theft." Otherwise, it's well within the customer's rights to declare that they were planning on paying for it still.

So in the first part where the employee told the customer she wanted him to let them hold his backpack at the counter--that wouldn't happen. If it did, especially with the unnecessary search, he'd have a reasonable case against Walmart. I mean, if someone in the store asked me to let them hold on to/search my purse as I was shopping, I'd be pissed. Just not realistic and it makes the story improbable.

I was also confused by the change from the customer in the auto dept and then saying that he wanted to find some toys. A bit abrupt, although there may be a reason in the story later that I'm not yet aware of.

And lastly, dialogue is a hard thing to write well. I often have trouble creating believe speech and conversations in a story. With that being said, I found that what the two were saying to each other was a little awkward at times. It didn't really flow well, and I was having some trouble hearing the conversation as I was reading it. Maybe just going back through and reading it out loud would help to find some of those "trouble" spots--where it doesn't feel quite real.

Hope this helps!
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