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Is this a catchy description?

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  #1  
Old 01-29-2011, 01:10 PM
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Icon5 Is this a catchy description?


I'm heading towards the finish line, so I have enough written to sum it up in a description.

My book is called
Original Sin. What do you think?

Description:

Imagine adding intrigue, backstabbing, and sex to government conspiracy, aliens, time travel, then rap it up with a bow made out of religious fanaticism. Original Sin is about the consequences of going back in time to stop Adam and Eve from committing the Original Sin of disobeying God. It tells the real story of religious development on Earth and else-wheres. What do churches, governments, and big business not want you to know.

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Old 01-29-2011, 04:09 PM
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I think it's too short, has a couple of SPaG issues, and lacks mention of any characters. It sounds like how you would describe it to someone who you know isn't going to care anyway.
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Old 02-03-2011, 07:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Aric Isom
Original Sin is about the consequences of going back in time to stop Adam and Eve from committing the Original Sin of disobeying God.
I would like to know more about the consequences of if that would happen.

I'm not to sure in where you are heading with the government and churches...

The title is interesting.
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Old 02-05-2011, 05:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Aric Isom View Post
Original Sin is about the consequences of going back in time to stop Adam and Eve from committing the Original Sin of disobeying God.
Some SPaG errors that need to be sorted as has been previously stated. Also the use of "Original Sin" twice in the same sentence doesn't work, it jars with the reader. I understand the need to get the title into people's heads, but my adice is to repeat the title elsewhere in the decription. Also the phrase "is about" doesn't sound very sophisticated. I suggest changing the sentence to:

The book chronicles the consequences of going back in time to stop Adam and Eve from committing the Original Sin of disobeying God.
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Old 02-05-2011, 05:45 AM
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Thank you for the constructive criticisms... off I go to fix.
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Old 02-05-2011, 07:44 AM
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Original Sin was a movie made several years back. Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas starred in it. You might want to check and see if it was adapted from a novel. Change your title.

Q; What was the first thing Adam ever said to Eve?

A; Stand back, I don't know how long this thing gets.
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Old 02-05-2011, 07:58 AM
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The second half is more interesting than the first.

When I read through everything it includes, alien, governement conspiracies etc. That switched me off.

Going back in time and stopping Adam and Eve yes, but less is more. I think it would work better if you focused on the finished product, not the recipe.
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Old 02-05-2011, 09:08 AM
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Again, thank you....
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Old 02-18-2011, 04:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Aric Isom View Post
[SIZE=4]...time travel, then rap it up with a bow made out of religious fanaticism.
**wrap**

I would say to be more specific in the consequences themselves, like mentioned above. The reader can assume it would have reaching effects. The reader needs to know exactly why your book is going to be interesting.
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Old 02-18-2011, 04:34 PM
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I think you need to get specific with your description. Here are some questions that might help. Who is your protagonist and what does all this have to do with him/her? Is he the time traveler? Who opposed him? What was the motivation for stopping the original sin--to achieve paradise on earth, to perfect humanity, or something else? Did the world change in unexpected ways?
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Old 02-18-2011, 09:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Spring Gem View Post
I think you need to get specific with your description. Here are some questions that might help. Who is your protagonist and what does all this have to do with him/her? Is he the time traveler? Who opposed him? What was the motivation for stopping the original sin--to achieve paradise on earth, to perfect humanity, or something else? Did the world change in unexpected ways?
If I put all that in why would they read the book?
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Old 02-19-2011, 06:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Aric Isom View Post
If I put all that in why would they read the book?
You don't have to give away the ending, but you do need to hook the reader. A good blurb names the protagonist, names or hints at the antagonist, gives an idea of the conflict, and a bit of description of the world. Go to a book store and read the blurbs on the backs of books and see which ones make you want to read them. For me, I want to be able to connect to a character and his/her struggle. Your description is too general, too abstract to draw me into your story.
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Old 02-19-2011, 06:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Spring Gem View Post
Go to a book store and read the blurbs on the backs of books and see which ones make you want to read them.

What's a 'book store'? Is it anything like Amazon? Just kidding! Thank all of you for the advice... but I think that I understand now. I will make changes.
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Old 02-19-2011, 07:17 AM
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Aric Isom, I think what you wrote in your op is a good description of your book from your position. It's a simple condensed form of your story. For you, it's a great way to concretise the general ideas in your book so they're clear in your head while you're writing the end. Good stuff. And, I actually like the sound of it. Pretty cool.

On a side note, I think if you're going to call what you've written a blurb (the short snappy description of a story found on the backs of books), then it does need a lot fo work and thats what others having been making suggestions about in the above posts.

I guess it comes down to what you want to call what you've written in your op. Is it a short paragraph describing your book to be used to keep the ideas clear in your head, or is it a blurb?

Anyway, just some thoughts that came to me while reading this thread. Good luck reaching that finish line.
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Old 03-18-2011, 07:04 PM
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Well the second sentence is catchy.
I don't know about the whole maybe choose a better words? or a better tone?
"then rap it up with a bow made out of religious fanaticism."
That word made me believe that the story is a cheap read.
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Old 03-18-2011, 08:58 PM
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Originally Posted by butterbescotch View Post
That word made me believe that the story is a cheap read.
It is...
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Old 03-18-2011, 10:48 PM
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A blurb or a query with this kind of story should mention the protagonist and an event which causes the protagonist to make a critical choice and enter into an adventure where she has no option but out-wit the antogonist, or supernatural influences.
Your description is good and has me interested. Try and include the main character and you have yourself a decent blurb / query.
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Old 03-18-2011, 11:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Aric Isom View Post
It is...
I am sure it's not. The story is interesting!
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