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!st Attempt: Cyber Assassin story concept

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Old 12-12-2010, 12:24 AM
Nickv17 (Offline)
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Default !st Attempt: Cyber Assassin story concept


First of, not sure if this is the right forum to post under. Please correct me if I'm wrong. It's not in story form, just a concept I thought of.

The setting is in the slight future.

Anyway, the idea is there is this underground (metaphorically) corporation. This said corporation has a grasp on most mafias and businesses. It holds it grip on those mafias and businesses through Cyber Assassins.

Yes it's a corny name, but I don't know what else to call them. The corporation raises children which are developed, not born. While they have a conscience, their bodies, or frames, are metal. These frames are like an armory, decked with weapons to the core. However, they retain human values with makeshift skin, which regenerates, and they need their heads to function. They also have an initial program to follow orders strictly that are given from the corporation. After the 13th year, the corporation chooses the best two from the construction line, and discards the rest.

As for the main story, The two characters, from now referred to as blue and red, manage to be the best out of previous generations for two years, ruthlessly and efficiently completing all their tasks, without failure. As they are 15, they go to an exclusive, high grade private school, to keep an eye another corporation, which seems to try rivaling them. Although Red and Blue are much higher quality then anything the rival tries to put out. As Red and Blue stick together during their time in high school, they befriend a human girl (henceforth, referred to as Green).

As a few months go by normally, Red and Blue are assigned a mission to exterminate all of the inhabitants of one of the rivaling companies headquarters (which of course, their are multiples of). After making their way through, they find that Green is a member of that corporation, working as a tactical forecaster (henceforth, tactition). As Blue is about to kill Green, Red intervenes, and a brawl between Red and Blue ensues. Red, acting as based on his ethics which he acquired from the humans, defies orders from the corporation. Halfway through their fight, Blue is instructed to eliminate Red as a failed product. However, this scene is supposed to be somewhat intense, as Red and Blue developed a friendship through their 15 years, now coming to a halt because of Red's newfound ethics and morals.

Red creates an opening for Green to get away. She takes it hesitantly, not wanting to leave either Red nor Blue behind due to their past friendship. After Green escapes. Blue wins the fight, but red manages to get away.

(Plot gap. Not sure what to put here, but the next scene would have more of an effect if it takes longer. Though during this gap, Green has joined a group that opposes both of the previous corporations, which only fight for power. This group wants peace, and is on a somewhat equal footing because of their weaponry. )

Now it is about two years ahead of the last part. Blue, Red, and Green haven't seen each other since. Blue is on a mission with a model that's generation is three years newer than him (henceforth, Orange). Blue and Orange are in a massive power plant, which also has an armory section, filled with many military arms (These arms are not outdated and top of the line). There mission is to bring back what they can and destroy the rest. There, Blue and Orange encounter Red, who is also there for a resupply. Red and Blue ensue in another brawl. Orange stays back by Blue's request, as he wants to settle things from years ago.

However, Orange receives an exclusive order to, if he has the chance, to execute both Red and Blue. As their fight goes on Blue pushes Red over to a ledge, where death is all but certain. As Blue is about to put the finishing touch to kill red, there is an explosion which distracts Blue. Orange takes this opportunity to kill Blue. As Orange is about to kill Blue, Red gets and opening to shoot Blue in the head. As he is staring down the barrels of Red's gun, he knows its over for him, from both directions. At the last second Red tilts his gun and shoots Orange in order to save Blue. Blue is surprised at Red, who gives a faint smile before his system fails and shuts down. Red slips of the edge, and Blue tries to save him. He barely misses, and Red falls down the cliff. Now, Blue has a new view on things, and swears to destroy the corporation that made him.

So, this is it. I'm a TERRIBLE writer, and there's no way I'd do the writing for this story. Obviously it's not completed, and yes, the names will definitely change their names away from that of the color wheel. So please feel free to leave critiques of the story, not the SpaG errors. Feel free to also leave suggestions on material to add, as that's what I'm looking for anyway.

I also think this would be better as a comic/ manga or whatever, rather than a book or short story. Thanks for even reading this far down.

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Old 12-12-2010, 12:26 AM
Nickv17 (Offline)
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Ouch, made the 1 a !, kinda embarrassing for a first post.
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Old 12-17-2014, 07:08 AM
Nox (Offline)
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Try writing it. We'd all like to see the product and at the end you get pointers on how to improve. That's what this forum is about. Helping writers improve.
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