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Would you keep reading...?

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  #1  
Old 05-04-2016, 10:55 PM
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Default Would you keep reading...?


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Old 05-05-2016, 07:12 AM
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My answer would be yes. Just a few things that are bothering me.
1. What kind of last name is Moonshine? How about Smith or some other generic, boring surname? Makes your characters more believable.
2. They've just sat down for dinner. Why does Marcus's mum have a napkin in her hand?
3. How old is Marcus? If he's a minor they generally require a guardian present so a private discussion is improbable (I could be wrong).
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  #3  
Old 05-05-2016, 10:08 AM
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'Moonshine' is an off-putting name, I have to say. Otherwise, this is ok, although nothing very memorable either. But, yes, I would be fairly interested in reading on, so you've done your job.
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Old 05-05-2016, 03:02 PM
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I have to agree with the other posters, Moonshine seems better suited to a nickname than a family's last name. Unless it's somehow very important down the story line, it might help to change it.

I was a bit more focused on that, rather than the course of events. Not to say it wasn't engaging. I'm curious as to why the Officer wants to speak to Marcus.
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  #5  
Old 05-05-2016, 06:39 PM
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Thanks for the feedback all!

As unanimously suggested, I've changed Marcus' name to Chad Chambers for now -- at least until I can come up with something that sticks.
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Old 05-06-2016, 05:11 AM
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I did keep reading, but the words seemed to fade away before my very eyes.
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Old 05-06-2016, 09:33 PM
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Of course I would keep reading, it was just getting started! Names aside, you have a solid introduction here but without any hint towards what is going to happen, it's hard not to want more from the start you've made here. Keep it up, I'm all ears.
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Old 05-08-2016, 09:45 PM
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Thanks for the read and response, you two!
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Old 05-09-2016, 11:12 AM
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Default would you keep reading

Hi Konan, yes, I'd keep reading, you struck my curiosity chord. I would like to know Chad's age there's something about asking him to the cruiser which doesn't sound correct. Waiting for the next installment.
Chambers is a good name, tried to read it with Moonshine and couldn't get it. But then my name is mikiel so shouldn't be critical. mikiel
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Old 05-09-2016, 06:34 PM
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I would keep reading for the tension and for figuring out his age.


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  #11  
Old 05-12-2016, 01:23 PM
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I'd definitely keep reading! I like the name change to "Chad Chambers" too. However, I would definitely change "warily walked" because that specific instance makes it seem like you are trying to be too careful with your words, and I think the awesome part about this piece is the energy/tension (not the caution).
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  #12  
Old 05-16-2016, 05:57 AM
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Thanks for the read and the feedback, guys.
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  #13  
Old 05-16-2016, 07:19 AM
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I just updated the original post to include the second chapter as well.

Any more feedback, on Chapter 2 too, would be much appreciated.
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Old 05-16-2016, 07:27 AM
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Hey I would also keep reading it too, good story like the pacing of it aswell
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  #15  
Old 05-18-2016, 08:25 AM
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Thanks for the feedback, Yonathan1!
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Old 05-18-2016, 02:49 PM
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This was pretty good! I would definitely keep reading.

My critiques are:

How short the chapters are, they are fine if you are aiming for Novelette or Novella, but for a novel (if that's what you are aiming for) you're going to end up with 600 chapters by the end of it (and I did the math too). Also you end them very abruptly. It could be easier to just make this all one, then make the next chapter whatever happens next.

Another thing is unless this there something wrong with the police officer or this takes place outside of the USA, the police officer broke a lot of laws: with a minor they have to be questioned in the presents of a legal guardian or lawyer, when the officer just drove off with Chad that would technically be kidnapping and no matter how in danger the officer would face repercussions, and also the officer wouldn't have spilled as much to Chad as he did- at most he'd probably say "we have reason to believe you are in danger so we are taking you to the station to keep you safe". My dad when to the police academy so I know a lot about this kind of stuff.

Lastly, it's very hard to take the name Piddlemore seriously, which wouldn't be an issue if your story was a fantasy with magic genre (think the villains in Harry Potter). It's alright to want a unique name, I always opt for less-than-normal names, but when dealing with main characters you have to make the name make some form of sense. In this case a name like Cain*, Tudor†, Henry†‡, Holmes‡, or Howard‡ would be appropriate. While someone could hear "Cain" and get the reference rather easy, the other names aren't as forefront on the brain, which is good or bad depending on what you're going for. I don't know everything, so as far as I know Piddlemore could fit this, but upon research I found nothing. Just keep that in mind.

Now for the positives:

Your story flows very well! As a potential reader I would definitely keep reading. It has so much potential, I can't wait to see what you do with it. Your dialogue flows very well, which I know can be the hardest thing to write; the way you do it is very nature, and your lack of use of 'said' is worthy of applaud. I counted about 29+ instances of dialogue NOT using said, which is amazing. I would have had 29+ instances of said. I know I said no more critiques, but also try expanding on your use of 'asked' as well, but as I said just your use dialogue synonyms for said was remarkable.

The opening caught my eye, because it started with something disruptive- a door bell. It was like we were thrust into the middle of this dinner, almost as if we, the reader, were the catalyst to the beginning of the story. This was a very smart way to begin. It grabs the reader's attention and holds it.

I hope this helps.
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*In the bible he killed his brother. He was the first human born, and his brother, Abel, was the first human to die.

†This is what historians guess is the last name of King Henry viii, the King of England that killed his wives for not bearing him a son. And of course Henry as a reference as well.

‡ All names belonging to H. H. Holmes, the first american serial killer.
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  #17  
Old 05-19-2016, 04:48 AM
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Is Chadwick an adult or a child - if he's a child I doubt that (most) police would try to get him to the cop car to "Question" him (alone).

That doesn't ring true to me. If Chadwick's father is a judge, then I would imagine that the mother would be a bit more "savvy" about what is going on.
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Old 05-19-2016, 06:56 AM
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MusicEmo,

Wow, thanks so much for the in depth critique!

Yeah, I was a little worried that the chapters are too short. But I expect they'll lenghten out after this (Chapter 3 above is only half finished too), putting the finished product at about 60 chapters, which is on par with a Robert Langdon novel.

Like others have mentioned too -- about the police officer questioning Chad -- I actually got the idea from something that happened to me. I was either twelve or thirteen at the time. I'm in Canada. And the cop acted exactly like the one in the story. He got my mom to get me, then he took me out to the cruiser alone and questioned me. Of course, that was twenty years ago now, so perhaps protocol has tightened.

However, it doesn't really matter to my story, as it turns out the officer is really one of the "bad guys", so he doesn't have to perfectly act like a real cop. In fact, he probably shouldn't.

Yup, you're probably right. I should change Piddlemore's name.

As for your kind words, thanks for that! I appreciate it, that you've included both the negative and the positive.

Great critique!

Mohican, I addressed your feedback above too.
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  #19  
Old 05-20-2016, 06:52 AM
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The part about the police not having a good picture available for a previously incarcerated person is not believable.

The first day of incarceration involves a complete de-lousing, which includes a nice short hair cut before a picture is taken with a prisoner number on the bottom.

Fiction is fiction, depending on the setting you can't stray too far from reality.
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Old 05-20-2016, 09:08 AM
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jimmymc,

That's something to think about, but I'm guessing you didn't read my last reply to MusicEmo -- the officer is just posing as a cop... and Piddlemore isn't actually a murderer who spent time in prison. The cop is lying about all that.

But perhaps I should have Chad object to it anyway, along with the cop's other inconsistencies.

And how about my question: Would you keep reading?
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  #21  
Old 05-21-2016, 10:28 AM
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Just added the second half of chapter 3.

Any more comments? Did you read the whole thing, and would you keep reading if there was more material?
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Old 05-24-2016, 01:10 PM
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I would definitely keep reading but then this style of writing is just up my street!

It looks as though you have changed a thing or two judging by the comments but I do think the chapters could really be merged into one.

Also I agree with you that maybe you could have Chad question the officers protocol a little more. This may help the reader, as I was getting slightly distracted with thoughts that it just wasn't right the way the officer was conducting things. I understand you wouldn't want to give the game away that he was fake, but maybe just hinting at something to reassure the reader it is meant to be that way. If that makes sense?

The second half of chapter 3 was good and unexpected.

Anyway, all in all I really enjoyed this. You had my attention from the very start and I love your dialogue. Well done!

Last edited by BluebellCharm; 05-24-2016 at 01:14 PM..
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  #23  
Old 05-25-2016, 02:58 PM
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it's coherent but a little cliche and lacks a distinctive voice.
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Old 05-25-2016, 03:05 PM
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BluebellCharm

Thanks for the read and the feedback.

I'll definitely take your suggestions into consideration when I re-write.

Purple Henry

What did you find cliched about it? Care to elaborate.

Also, you didn't say whether you'd keep reading or not.
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Old 05-25-2016, 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Konan View Post
BluebellCharm

Thanks for the read and the feedback.

I'll definitely take your suggestions into consideration when I re-write.

Purple Henry

What did you find cliched about it? Care to elaborate.

Also, you didn't say whether you'd keep reading or not.
the deranged killer targeting a judge's loved one has been done before. you could do it again, but there's nothing evocative here...no distinctive descriptions, or sense of fear.

i wouldn't read further, as my standards are very high, and this piece seems to promise a generic crime/thriller novel. which isn't to say it couldn't do well, but you'll up your chances of snagging a publisher if you have something more distinctive than just another potboiler.

if you want to get better at writing crime fiction, i recommend reading the best of the best (ie. Raymond Chandler, Ruth Rendell, Patricia Highsmith etc.)
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Old 05-25-2016, 03:28 PM
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Purple Henry

Thanks for the comments.

When and where did you read this first? A few days ago? On another forum?

Because Chad's dad's occupation was changed from a judge to doctor a while back already. So clearly you haven't read the latest version above. You must have read it days ago, and are only commenting now. Why the delay, I wonder. Hmmm.

Also, in the re-write posted above, I did interject some fear into Chad's reactions, as was suggested by someone who critiqued it. You might want to re-read it if you plan on commenting further.

Finally, though it may come across as a crime/thriller novel, it's actually sci-fi, but it only gets into those elements about 3,000 words in.
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  #27  
Old 05-25-2016, 05:31 PM
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For anyone interested in reading more of my story, I've just added chapters 4-6 above.

And if you're jumping in half way through, Waters is the police officer. I just gave him a name. Also, Piddlemore was changed to Enigmus, as suggested by a member here.

This is the last I'm going to post of this. If you find it interesting and want to read more, PM to become a beta reader.
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  #28  
Old 05-27-2016, 05:12 PM
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Actually, I decided to post just one more chapter, so that it completes the beginning and leads up to the novel's story goal.
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  #29  
Old 05-30-2016, 06:55 AM
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Hey, I honestly would!!!!!! It's sooo good!! But... if I may, I think the chapters are quite short. But this is just me anyway, great job keep it up!!
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Old 05-31-2016, 02:41 PM
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Marie1,

Thanks for reading and for posting your feedback! I appreciate it.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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