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  #1  
Old 09-07-2017, 03:52 AM
Leila (Offline)
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track it in,
the dirt of that old,
dead-end country;

the soil
of the motherland
persists into
another land.


shake it off,
the native dust
that would not honour
you,

and it flies back
in your eyes.

that merciless birth-right
does not give you up.

you wait in vain
for the shipment
of the new;

your old address is all
that anyone
remembers.

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Old 09-07-2017, 11:17 AM
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That's pretty great. You're really on a roll.

But iDrew told me to tell you the lines are too short.
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Old 09-07-2017, 01:39 PM
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So subtle.

Keep taking the poetry pills - they're working.
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Old 09-08-2017, 06:57 AM
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Thanks to you both!
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Old 09-18-2017, 11:09 AM
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It needs more imagery. ( We live in an unsubtle age. )
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Old 09-19-2017, 12:52 AM
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Probably could do with a stronger ending.
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Old 09-19-2017, 02:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Leila View Post
Probably could do with a stronger ending.
I disagree.

I think that's a powerful line - understated and elegant through it.
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Old 09-19-2017, 11:37 AM
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Nail on the head Grace. The last verse is the one that's quietly solid. I like the meaning and have felt similar to what the poem expresses in my years travelling from country to country, yet rarely ending up in the one intended. I've had lifts from some crazy people, but also from genuine ones. Collecting life experience on the way. It's this that I relate to in the poem and what's made me who I am. You can abandon where you come from, but it doesn't abandon you. Cracking last verse Leila, perhaps the previous ones need more clear expression.
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