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Contest Results | Fiction | Flash (March 2007)

 
 
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Old 04-01-2007, 03:28 PM
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Default Contest Results | Fiction | Flash (March 2007)


Though it is April Fool’s Day, these results are 100% accurate.

And the winner is starrwriter and his piece, Man on the Moon. Congratulations! Thanks to all our 16 participants—these were really a great bunch of entries.


Final Order of Finish:

1. starrwriter – 18.916
2. Leon of Prussia – 17.916
3. gary_wagner – 17.75
4. Spark – 17.583
5. ennubi – 17.5
6. josiehenley – 17.166
7. kal – 17.085
8. Mr Baatard – 16.833
9. RayneAven – 16.333
10. ronoxQ – 16.25
11. Massoud – 15.916
Predator – 15.916
12. Cuchulain – 15.666
13. gunner – 15.25
14. Tau Worlock – 14.833
15. _zeb_ - 13.833


Originally Posted by Icarus View Post
Title: The Waiting Room
Member: ennubi

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Creepy, I have to say, and very well done. One thing irked me: the detail of it being a Bluetooth earpiece. The specificity of it seems out of place with the rest of the piece.

Score: 18/20

**********

Title: josiehenley
Member: Feedback

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Amusing, but less complete than I feel like a piece of flash should be—a bit too episodic, I should say. I like the emphasis on dialog, but at the same time it cut down on characterization, which I feel is doubly important to flash. A few errors here and there, as well—easily fixed!

Score: 16/20

**********

Title:Cuchulain
Member: untitled

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

You certainly make a depressing point, but it just wasn’t gripping enough. Flash, to me, is the ultimate attention getter.

Score: 14.5/20

**********

Title: gary_wagner
Member: Day at the dog races

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Lots of fun to read. I’m not sure I really got all of it (read: if there was some greater meaning behind this, I missed it completely), but the great descriptions and adjectives plus the alliteration really sucked me in to the rhythm of it.

Score: 19/20

**********

Title: Gridlock
Member: kal

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4.5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Quite depressing! I think you conveyed a lot of different emotions, which is impressive for something that is half the word limit. I was a little confused about the place of the “I” especially since you only use it once. Brownie points for having a great title.

**********

Title: Tau Worlock
Member: Dream Reality

Mechanics: 3.5/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

I like how this turns into reality, but only the ending strikes me as flash. The rest reads too much like a regular scene in a regular story.

Score: 13/20

**********

Title: Vilantie
Member: _zeb_

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

Flash needs to be a complete story within itself and this is clearly a preview of something larger. Grammar and sentence structure need some work. Here’s something that might help you understand better what the purpose of flash should be:
Originally Posted by Wikipedia
Flash fiction differs from a vignette in that the flash-fiction work contains the classic story elements: protagonist, conflict, obstacles or complications, and resolution. However, unlike the case with a traditional short story, the limited word length often forces some of these elements to remain unwritten, that is, hinted at or implied in the written storyline. This principle, taken to the extreme, is illustrated by Ernest Hemingway's six-word flash, "For sale: baby shoes, never worn."
or check out http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/flash.shtml.

Score: 12/20

**********

Member:
Title:

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Though I’ve read this before, it retains its charm and cleverness the second time around. Nice work.

Score: 17/20

**********

Member: Spark
Title: Mrs. Dowe

Mechanics: 4.5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

I really like the bluntness of the ending and it answers the ever important question: boxers or briefs? I also like how it’s both complete and ends with a cliffhanger. Well done!

Score: 17.5/20

**********

Member: Mr Baatard
Title: untitled

Mechanics: 4.5/5
Intangibles: 4.5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

You did a good job dredging up emotions from the past and I liked how it read like a fluid thought process but without succumbing to being overly choppy and confusing. Give me a title next time!

Score: 17/20

**********

Member: Massoud
Title: The Touch of a Forest

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

I always like a reference to opera and you painted a nice picture of an ideal setting (though there’s a bit of overkill in the first paragraph). However, I would have liked to see more story.

Score: 14.5/20

**********

Member: starrwriter
Title: Man on the Moon

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9.5/10

I really like the parallel with the moon walk and you’ve put a lot of emotions into this. It definitely packs a punch. Very well done.

Score: 19.5/20

**********

Member: Predator
Title: Plague

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

This reads more like a synopsis for something longer than a piece of flash. The idea of sin being the plague is a good one, but I need something to connect me to the characters. Plus, the ending fell flat—it doesn’t have the complete nature flash needs.

Score: 14.5/20

**********

Member: gunner
Title: Warrior

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

I feel like I’m really missing something here, which would obviously be the result of the word limit. I think you tried to squeeze too much into too little space. Also, I think you could have freed up some space for more detail by cutting the first paragraph.

Score: 14.5/20

**********

Member: Leon of Prussia
Title: Art

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

You defined your narrator very well for so short a space and the concluding statement is perfect. A bit less of a story than I think flash should be, and yet it’s complete nonetheless. Very nice.

Score: 19/20

**********

Member: RayneAven
Title: Gift of Gab

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

The first paragraph is superfluous and a waste of space and since you’ve only got so much space to work with, I’d cut it and expand the second (which has a fabulous final sentence) into something more. You were well under the word limit as is, and, though I like the abruptness of it, I think this could be improved if made longer. I really like how the innocent title clashes with the content.

Score: 16/20
Originally Posted by aprilrain View Post
Member: ennubi
Title: The Waiting Room

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: This is so good, and yet I feel like I'm not quite grasping all of it. The characters, though, are developed in very few words, which is impressive.

Score: 17/20

-----

Member: Josiehenley
Title: Feedback

Mechanics: 4.5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7.5/10

Comments: Pulling off all dialogue is tough, but you did it. The confusion, the cautious optimism, the disappointment--it's all conveyed without taglines. Nice.

Score: 16/20

-----

Member: Cuchulain
Title: [untitled]

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7.5/10

Comments: Interesting play on the double meaning and the conveyance of apathy.

Score: 14.5/20

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Member: gary_wagner
Title: Day at the dog races

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4.5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: It doesn't get more imaginative than that. Creative and funny, the story is packed with alliteration best read aloud.

Score: 17.5/20

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Member: Kal
Title: Gridlock

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4.5/5
Overall Impression: 7.5/10

Comments: Perfectly chosen title. I like how you make it clear that his actions are completely out of his control. Compact and effective.

Score: 17/20

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Member: Tau Worlock
Title: Dream Reality

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: This story definitely benefits from two reads. The first time, it is difficult to know what is happening and the change in POV is confusing. However, giving it another go is well worth it.

Score: 15/20

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Member: _zeb_
Title: Vilantie

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 6.5/10

Comments: There are several spelling and grammatical errors, and although you have given a tasty tidbit of a story to come, this should be a story in itself, just very short.

Score: 13/20

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Member: ronoxQ
Title: [untitled]

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7.5/10

Comments: This is almost like passing a couple on the street and catching a snippet of their conversation. Amusing and effective characterization in short space, but I guess I want more...story.

Score: 16.5/20

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Member: Spark
Title: Mrs. Dowe

Mechanics: 4.5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 8.5/10

Comments: This is just enough story with just enough of a cliffhanger to make you wonder what his reaction will be. I like this a lot.

Score: 18/20

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Member: Mr Baatard
Title: [untitled]

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4.5/5
Overall Impression: 7.5/10

Comments: This captures a pivotal moment, but I think I would have liked more insight into her heart at the end. Well done writing from the POV of another gender, though. That's not always easy.

Score: 16/20

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Member: Massoud
Title: The Touch of a Forest

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: The description of the forest is so soothing and lyrical, it almost puts the reader into the same state as Steven, which is nice.

Score: 16/20

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Member: starrwriter
Title: Man on the Moon

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: I love the juxtaposition between a man walking on the moon and another man falling so short of expectations. Well done.

Score: 19/20

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Member: Predator
Title: Plague

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: I had a feeling the plague was going to represent something else, so I was on the hook to find out where you were going. You didn't disappoint.

Score: 16/20

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Member: gunner
Title: Warrior

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 6.5/10

Comments: You have all the makings of an epic story--good versus evil, a grand battle, the bittersweet victory of the hero in his death, etc. but I'm not sure that it works as flash fiction, because it ends up as a quickie recounting of something that should really take 500 pages. Use this as a synopsis for a larger work, though.

Score: 14/20

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Member: Leon of Prussia
Title: Art

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8.5/10

Comments: I love the ending--a very powerful statement to a thoughtful piece of work. You write at a level much older than you are, and I mean that as a grand compliment.
Score: 17.5/20

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Member: RayneAven
Title: Gift of Gab

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4.5/5
Overall Impression: 8.5/10

Comments: Eeek. The mindset of the narrator is so disturbing and matter-of-fact, it actually made me shudder. A sign of excellent writing, I hope, and not reflective of your own mindset!

Score: 17/20
Originally Posted by Cordatus View Post
Member: ennubi
Title: The Waiting Room

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: The idea is very good, though I don't know if I fully understood it. The quote from Shakespeare adds a nice touch as well.

Score: 15/20

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Member: Josiehenley
Title: Feedback

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: Wonderful and very funny - the idea is marvelous!

Score: 17/20

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Member: Cuchulain
Title: [untitled]

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: Try to pay attention to the mechanics in the story. It moves very fast, but it is solid nonetheless.

Score: 14/20

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Member: gary_wagner
Title: Day at the dog races

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

Comments: I don't know about this, I don't think it is that appealing. The description pattern and the ending are very good, but it would have been better if made simpler.

Score: 14/20

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Member: Kal
Title: Gridlock

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: Very emotional and you could feel that there is something behind this, if there was any. I am interested to read the other one.

Score: 16/20

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Member: Tau Worlock
Title: Dream Reality

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

Comments: It felt like it was a part of something else. I was confused [regarding POVs] in the first paragraph and the second was a bit crowded. However, the ending fits the content quite well.

Score: 13/20

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Member: _zeb_
Title: Vilantie

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

Comments: Pay attention to the redundancies in the story, and try to deepen the characters. Good luck with the story.

Score: 13/20

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Member: ronoxQ
Title: [untitled]

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

Comments: Even though it seems that an ending is missing, I get the feeling that it is going to be a good one. Cannot give anything here because it is short, but it is concise and right to the point.

Score: 14/20

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Member: Spark
Title: Mrs. Dowe

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: Perfect structure and narration, with a quite good amount of details. However, I found that ending was a bit of a cliche.

Score: 16/20

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Member: Mr Baatard
Title: [untitled]

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: The idea is unique, but I think YOU could have done better. It was rushed towards the ending and it is confusing to read there also.

Score: 15/20

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Member: Massoud
Title: The Touch of a Forest

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: Very good. The description in the first paragraph is overabundant, but well put towards the end. Great work.

Score: 17/20

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Member: starrwriter
Title: Man on the Moon

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: Magnificent. Perfect writing and good flow - would change nothing. Are you sure this is Fiction?

Score: 19/20

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Member: Predator
Title: Plague

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: Good writing, but it is somehow plain. The fact that you squeezed a good story in the piece is very good, but a better ending was expected.

Score: 15/20

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Member: gunner
Title: Warrior

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

Comments: Gunner, the idea is good but it could be re-worked. There is nothing stimulating about the story itself, and could have closed with a darker ending that fits the content more.

Score: 13/20

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Member: Leon of Prussia
Title: Art

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: What a lovely piece; very good. Your choice of words is magnificent and the ending is even better

Score: 18/20

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Member: RayneAven
Title: Gift of Gab

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: The concept is interesting, and the writing is very good except for a few things here and there.

Score: 16/20
Originally Posted by BreezyWriter View Post
Member: ennubi
Title: untitled
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: I really liked it. Good going Ennubi.
Score: 18 /20
---------------------
Member:Josiehenly
Title: Feedback
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: Nice from beginning to end.
Score: 18/20
---------------------
Member:Cuchulain
Title: Dare to dream, the poster said to me
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 7/10
Comments: Nice restful.
Score: 17/20
----------------------
Member:Gary_wagner
Title: Day at the dog races
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5 /5
Overall Impression: 10/10
Comments: Wow, who won. You made me laugh. If I was a comic maker I’d have a ball designing that story.
Score: 20/20
---------------------
Member: Kal
Title: Gridlock
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: Short I would have prefered a few extra words to better understand what this was about.
Score: 16 /20
------------------
Member: Tau Worlock
Title: Dream Reality
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: Not a great way to loose weight but it is thining; ash thin.
Score: 19/20
------------------
Member: _Zeb_
Title: Vilantie
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: Nice writing. Good story from beginning to end.
Score: 19/20
-----------------
Member: RonoxQ
Title:
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression:6/10
Comments: Sure is a little about nothing.
Score: 16/20
------------------
Member: Spark
Title: Mrs. Dowe
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 10/10
Comments: Risqué, what happened? That was really good, naughty you.
Score: 19/20
------------------
Member: Mr Baatard
Title:No title
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: There seemed to be missing a continuation in the thought process. It felt eratic and like there was an intrution all the time. Which was probably wanted but it did not come across completely. Maybe a lack of action in the thoughts is the reason.
Score: 16/20
------------------

Member: Massoud
Title: The Touch of a Forest
Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 4 /5
Overall Impression:8/10
Comments: Nice quiet, relaxing, pleasing. There was but one error. Probably it was intended as being coma like, but it came across as a comet that flew past.
Score: 15/20
-------------------
Member: Starrwriter
Title: MAN ON THE MOON
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: Nicely written though devoid of feeling.
Score: 19/20
--------------------
Member: Predator
Title: PLAGUE
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: Nicely written though the end took away from it my calling it a sin it feels minimised.
Score: 18 /20
---------------------
Member: Gunner
Title: Warrior
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression:8/10
Comments: Nice the promise of a fight, then the decent to death. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but the end rhymes.
Score: 17 /20
----------------------
Member: Leon of Prussia
Title:Art
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: Something to think about. Though in the middle phrase in itself felt off subject, to what I think could have been written.
Score: 18/20
----------------------
Member: RyneAven
Title:Gift of Gab
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: I felt somewhat cheated. Though they do say, sometimes its best to leave some to the imagination.
Score: 17/20

Originally Posted by OnceUponATime View Post
Member: Ennubi
Title: The Waiting
Mechanics
: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: Excellent piece, great work on overall theme of 'hurry-up and wait,' loved the Shakespeare quote.
Score: 19/20


Member: JosieHenley
Title: Feedback
Mechanics
: 5/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: Nicely written, disappointment/disbelief came through very well here.
Score: 18/20


Member: Cuchulain
Title: Untitled [Or, 'My Submission']

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: I liked this, especially how you focused on the poster and extrapolated the meaning of its message in different ways.
Score: 18/20


Member: Gary_Wagner
Title: Day at the Dog Races
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 10/10

Comments: Awesome writing! Colorful description encapsulates this experience in such a vivid manner and is truly brilliant. Terrific read.

Score: 20/20

Member: Kal
Title: Gridlock
Mechanics
: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: Good writing here, nice caricature of a man lost.

Score: 18/20

Member: Dream Reality
Title: Tau Worlock

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: Nice writing, but some grammar/spelling/structure things to work on. Overall, this feels like it should have been a longer work.

Score: 13/20

Member: _zeb_
Title: Vilantie

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: Interesting piece, but not really a 'flash' bit. WOuld like to see it developed into a longer work, though.
Score: 14/20


Member: RonoxQ
Title: Actual Entry

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: I've seen this before, but it's still funny and a neat read.
Score: 19/20


Member: Spark
Title: Mrs. Dowe
Mechanics
: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: I really liked this one, especially the last line, "Mr. Dowe wore briefs.'
Score: 18/20


Member: Mr Baatard
Title: No Title
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: Nice bit of 'noir' writing. Loved the fluid narrative style in particular.

Score: 19/20

Member: Massoud
Title: The Touch of a Forest
Mechanics
: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: Lovely writing, imagery was vivid. Ending seemed to go nowhere, though. Perhaps the theme of escaping daily life could be hinted at somewhere in the beginning, as well.
Score: 17/20


Member: Starrwriter
Title: Man on the Moon
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 10/10

Comments: Flawless, Starrwriter. Succinct and the point made in the last line hits the reader like a punch in the gut. Nice work, as always!
Score: 20/20


Member: Predator
Title: Plague
Mechanics
: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: Excellent writing, but it reads like a prologue to a novel (a rather interesting one, I might add). Could be expanded into a much longer work.
Score: 16/20


Member: Gunner
Title: Warrior
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 9/10

Comments: Interesting bit of fiction here, reads like a Native American folk tale. A little more expansion would breathe more life into this. It's good, but it's not an encapsulation of a moment. I think the subject matter is a little too broad and if condensed down, this would work better as flash.
Score: 17/20


Member: Leon of Prussia
Title: Art
Mechanics
: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 10/10

Comments: Very well written. I wasn't fond of the subject matter, but the point was clear. Liked the extremely cold, callous nature of the narrator. Nice work!

Score: 19/20

Member: RayneAven
Title: The Gift of Gab

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: Nicely written, but the theme and the overall point was a little too vague (for me)
Score: 16/20

Originally Posted by starpanda View Post
Title: The waiting room
Member: ennubi
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 9/10
Total: 18/20
Comments: I love the premise and concept of this piece and it has a great title. It is a whole story in miniature, marvellous. Although I’m not entirely sure why Mr Stephenson returned to the waiting room, who cares? Excellent.

Title: feedback
Member: josiehenley
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 9/10
Total: 18/20
Comments: I absolutely adore that it’s all in dialogue. I haven’t come across this before. Ingenious. Why do I get the feeling that this should be non-fiction? LOL I would have liked to see it end with something other than ‘Goodbye’, but other than that Great Stuff!

Title: Untitled
Member: Cuchulain
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 7/10
Total: 16/20
Comments: This has a nice surreal quality, which mirrors its subject matter. However, it’s not gripping enough for me, there is not much of a ‘tale’.

Title: Day at the Dog races
Member: Gary_Wagner
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall: 8/10
Total: 16/20
Comments: I like this...I don’t understand it...I’ve no idea what is going on...but I like it. I think it’s very cleverly done, as stylistically it has the mayhem and the chaos of the race, down pat. But I feel it is too clever for its own good, an overly zealous approach, which is at the expense of clarity and direction.

Title: Gridlock
Member: Kal
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 8/10
Total: 17/20
Comments: Excellent. The only reason I didn’t give this full marks, is because I feel that so much more could have been said with the unused word limit, to give this a ‘whole’ story feel. At the moment it’s a single observation. For example, who is the observer of this man? How do they know about him? Why do ,they care?

Title: Dream Reality
Member: Tau Worlock
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall: 8/10
Total: 16/20
Comments: The concept is good, not unique, but good. It’s an entire story and technically fine apart from one typo. I personally, would have like to see more poetic devices too improve it’s style and give more descriptive detail. A good tale.

Title: Preview short story: Vilantie
Member: _zeb_
Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall: 6/10
Total: 12/20
Comments: There were a couple of technical glitches which I had to take into consideration in the marking. By definition, flash fiction is a ‘whole story’ in a limited amount of words, by the authors own admission, this is not. It lacks the finality and the wholeness required by the form, so unfortunately, I feel I have no choice, but to mark this down.

Title:
Member: ronoxQ
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 7/10
Total: 15/20
Comments: This is another one that has committed the cardinal sin of adverbs in flash fiction...the use of adverbs is debateable in fiction, I know, but for me it’s not acceptable in flash fiction. Once maybe forgiven, but...

Also I feel it was a little short, much better use of the word count could have been done…and I’m I missing something of the ending? Or is it just me?

Title: Mrs Dowe
Member: Spark
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 8/10
Total: 17/20
Comments: This is very good. It didn’t have the dramatic effect that some of the others had, but never the less it was a nice and compact tale. I think that keeping who/what the man was from the reader a little more would benefit the story.

Title: 197 words
Member: Mr Bataard
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 9/10
Total:18/20
Comments: I enjoyed the style of this piece, excuse the photographic reference, but I did like the ‘snapshot’ feel to it. It was like popping into Monica’s head and directly accessing her thoughts. Lovely. Although, I would liked to have seen more on why they broke up in the first place. You had 3 words left Mr B!

Title: The touch of a Forest
Member: Massoud
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall: 8/10
Total: 16/20
Comments: There are some lovely descriptions in this piece and it has a great feel to it, but what lets it down is the adverbs! There is not much of a tale to it either.

Title: Man on the Moon
Member: starrwriter
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 8/10
Total: 17/10
Comments: I’ll say one word...adverbs...two of them, okay, so that’s more than one word, but you’re catching my drift, right? I did like the father’s character in this piece, it is a great portrayal of the type. I think more could have been made of the ending, but other than that, a very good piece.

Title: The plague
Member: Predator
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 8/10
Total: 16/20
Comments: Another good one. I like the concept a lot and it’s obvious that a lot of thought has been put into the building up of this. I do feel, however, that it is repetitive in places and I believe that actually telling the reader how this ‘destruction’ was going to happen, without it the ending is a little flat.

Title: Warrior
Member: Gunner
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 8/10
Total: 16/20
Comments: This is a good ‘whole’ story. However, I did feel that the first paragraph was superfluous and the words could have been better used to explain more about the warrior and the battle.

Title: art
Member: leonofprussia
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 7/10
Total: 16/20
Comments: Technically this piece was flawless, however, it reads more like a commentary rather than a whole story. Where’s the action? Interesting subject matter!

Title: gift of gab
Member: rayneaven
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 8/10
Total: 16/20
Comments: Ewww! Almost enough to turn me into a veggie! LOL This is a good piece, however it doesn’t use anywhere near the two hundred limit and therefore I feel that so much more could have been made of this tale.

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Last edited by Icarus; 04-01-2007 at 03:35 PM..
  #2  
Old 04-01-2007, 06:18 PM
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Congrats Starrwriter, for your, what is it, fifteenth win?

Also congrats to all the other participants.
  #3  
Old 04-01-2007, 07:05 PM
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Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I really enjoyed writing this one, hehe. Congrats Starrwriter!
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Old 04-01-2007, 07:24 PM
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Congratulations starrwriter, nice work.
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Old 04-01-2007, 11:18 PM
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Originally Posted by ronoxQ View Post
Congrats Starrwriter, for your, what is it, fifteenth win?
Actually, this is only my second win. The other was in the non-fiction category.

Thanks to everyone for the positive reviews.
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  #6  
Old 04-02-2007, 04:29 AM
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Congratulations everybody, especially starwritter.

As predicted I ended up second to last.
Now I can aim for third to last.

It’s an entire story and technically fine apart from one typo.


There is a typo? Noooooooo I thought I had go ten all out.

Any word on what the next challenge is?
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Old 04-02-2007, 06:17 AM
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The next contests are posted in their respective forums. Well, except non-fiction. But that'll be up shortly.
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Old 04-02-2007, 06:56 AM
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Congratulations starrwriter.
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Old 04-02-2007, 10:51 AM
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Congratulations again, Starrwriter. Thanks, judges. Don't worry if you didn't get the deep hidden meaning in my strange piece of writing. There really was none. This one was all about the words and the images rather than having any depth to it. Think of it as "word candy".
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Old 04-02-2007, 01:50 PM
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.

Last edited by Leon of Prussia; 03-01-2014 at 10:16 PM..
  #11  
Old 04-02-2007, 03:01 PM
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Originally Posted by gary_wagner View Post
Don't worry if you didn't get the deep hidden meaning in my strange piece of writing. There really was none. This one was all about the words and the images rather than having any depth to it. Think of it as "word candy".
Oh, good. I'm so glad I didn't miss anything. I was having so much fun reading it that I just couldn't see anything else.
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Old 04-03-2007, 10:39 AM
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this is great 'feedback' thanks!
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Old 04-03-2007, 05:38 PM
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<bow to starwriter> congrats.

this was fun. i like getting so much feedback even on an experimental piece.

wish i would've listened to my other half about the Bluetooth earpiece. i was going for ancient concept of soul + modern tech but it fell flat.

when you go out the door in the waiting room, you infinity loop back around and enter the front door. ever see the paintings of crazy twisting staircases?

there was a marvelous episode of Firefly where the preacher talks about a 'special hell' for people who take advantage of young girls. i hate people who make others wait...so i just expanded on the idea. i mean, surely we've come up with new sins since Dante's time?

ennubi
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Old 04-03-2007, 10:08 PM
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i fumbled yet again.... the disadvantage of trying to post when you just about asleep... i posted wrong work there:| (((slaps self...))) everyone remind me to try and sleep before posting....lmao now to find original to post in fourm... might take awhile i think it on disk somewhere :| tyvm on the comments anyhow... very gracious on a work not meant to be...lmao
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  #15  
Old 04-04-2007, 11:14 AM
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Thanks guys. Kudos to the winners!
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  #16  
Old 04-04-2007, 05:16 PM
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Congratulations to everyone! What I posted was an excerpt from a story, so it was rather momentary and out of context, apologies for that.
  #17  
Old 04-04-2007, 07:20 PM
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Originally Posted by _zeb_ View Post
i fumbled yet again.... the disadvantage of trying to post when you just about asleep... i posted wrong work there:| (((slaps self...))) everyone remind me to try and sleep before posting....lmao now to find original to post in fourm... might take awhile i think it on disk somewhere :| tyvm on the comments anyhow... very gracious on a work not meant to be...lmao
Take heart, Zeb, your writing has improved a lot in the past few months.
Keep writing (always) -

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Old 04-05-2007, 04:45 AM
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Hmm, I just noticed you forgot to number Predator on the Final Order of Finish list, so it should be 16 not 15.
  #19  
Old 04-05-2007, 06:14 AM
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Look at the scores, you and Predator tied. I can't do an indent or a tab or anything to make the name line up with the rest.
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Old 04-05-2007, 06:16 PM
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Oh! Sorry, I didn't notice that.
 

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