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can I improve this plot?

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Old 10-19-2013, 07:31 AM
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Default can I improve this plot?


here's a movie plot, tell me please what improvements does it need.

Cruel Experiments
David Crowley, 68, is a retired widower who has one son, Robert, 33, who is engaged to Lynn Moore, 27.
David goes on a cruise to the Bahamas and returns with a new wife, Danielle Carson, 36, who is a highly attractive and good-looking woman. David tells the news of his marriage to his son Robert, and invites him and his fiancé to dinner, to meet Danielle.
Robert and Lynn assume that Danielle is a widow in her late fifties, but they become surprised when they see she’s not.
The couple can’t figure out what attracted this beautiful younger woman to Robert’s father, and Robert assumes that she truly loves his father.
However, the real reason why Danielle married Robert is because he is diabetic, and she wants to test a new diabetes drug on him, but without him knowing about it.
By time Lynn starts to suspect that there is something odd about Danielle, which drives her to do a background check on Danielle. Lynn’s investigations about Danielle leave her more suspicious about Danielle. So she sets up her mind on revealing Danielle’s secrets.
However, Danielle becomes aware of what Lynn is trying to do, so she finds a way to slip hallucinogens into Lynn’s body. These hallucinogens make Lynn imagine seeing demons, and by time her condition becomes worse and she kills Robert thinking that he is a demon who shape shifts into looking like her fiancé.
When Lynn realizes what she has done, Danielle shows up and tells her the truth. She tells her how she has a PHD in Pharmacology, and she and her late boyfriend spent all of their time testing for new drugs that can heal many diseases. But her boyfriend had cancer and insisted on testing the drugs they prepared on himself, and that caused his quick death. Since his death, Danielle has been doing drug tests on old men, and killed four men before David. She also tells her about the hallucinogens she slipped into her system, and that she’ll help her get rid of Robert’s body if she keeps her mouth shut.
In the end, Lynn kills Danielle to save the world from her, then she commits suicide, and her body is buried next to Robert.
In the final scene, David is visiting Robert and Lynn’s graves.

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Old 10-19-2013, 05:53 PM
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I can't really give you anything helpful here. Personally, the story does not sound very interesting, but that's just me. I think if it was me I would change David's cruise to a single vacation to a specified foreign country, he then meets Danielle. Also i think I would have Lynn or Robert discover Danielle's true intentions but the experience trouble in telling David. Possibly David isn't willing to believe the truth, maybe even to the point that he has been corrupted and persuaded by Danielle to turn against Lynn and Robert.
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Old 10-20-2013, 05:28 AM
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Originally Posted by rob_desharnais View Post
I can't really give you anything helpful here. Personally, the story does not sound very interesting, but that's just me. I think if it was me I would change David's cruise to a single vacation to a specified foreign country, he then meets Danielle. Also i think I would have Lynn or Robert discover Danielle's true intentions but the experience trouble in telling David. Possibly David isn't willing to believe the truth, maybe even to the point that he has been corrupted and persuaded by Danielle to turn against Lynn and Robert.
thank u for taking the time and giving me feedback
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Old 10-31-2013, 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by mai88 View Post
thank u for taking the time and giving me feedback
No problem, hope I could help in some way.
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Old 11-14-2013, 03:06 AM
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Originally Posted by rob_desharnais View Post
...I would change David's cruise to a single vacation to a specified foreign country, he then meets Danielle...
Yes, good idea, it may give Danielle some credibility if she is met in a Country where medical science would be found...I'm not sure that would be the Bahamas. It would be a work with a sad ending...not many of those around these days. A lot of your work with this would be taken up in character development to drive this plot. It's one of those things where in the writing or drafting, the characters are more important than the plot, as it seems to be arising out of them rather than a state they find themselves in. Very interesting stuff!
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Old 11-14-2013, 03:58 AM
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I agree with Penningway. I think the plot as it is is fine, but you will have to put a lot of work into the characters In order for Robert to instantly believe Danielle must love his father a lot, he'll have to be generally gullible -- the first reaction I had was 'wouldn't he be suspicious?' But since Lynn is the suspicious one, Robert can be gullible.

Interesting stuff indeed! If you need some help figuring out the characters, the Character Clinic might be a good place to go
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Old 11-15-2013, 06:41 PM
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I just want to know why they assume she is a widow.

Originally Posted by mai88 View Post
Robert and Lynn assume that Danielle is a widow in her late fifties, but they become surprised when they see she’s not.
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Old 11-20-2013, 08:56 AM
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Originally Posted by <3Less View Post
I just want to know why they assume she is a widow.
because his father is old, not that attractive, and not rich, and also kind of normal
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Old 11-21-2013, 04:34 AM
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Default Plot line.

Sorry mai, the story line is not interesting.

It takes too long to get started, nothing really dramatic happens, it deals with a specialized topic—drug testing—that has limited appeal, and has no memorable characters with whom an audience can identify. And to top it off, even your plot outline is full of backstory.

Start something new.
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Old 11-21-2013, 04:36 AM
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and has no memorable characters with whom an audience can identify
I don't think it's possible to tell that from this outline. Character development can be extremely powerful and interesting, pulling the reader in, if well done. It's not something that comes across from this outline, but I don't think that means the story is completely worthless. If you have strong characters, I don't think the story line has to be all that complicated.
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Old 11-21-2013, 01:00 PM
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Originally Posted by mai88 View Post
because his father is old, not that attractive, and not rich, and also kind of normal
But why would that lead them to assume that she had a husband who died? She could have easily never been married, or happily/unhappily divorced.
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Old 11-21-2013, 05:36 PM
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This would work, in its present form, as a fine comedy. If you are going for dramatics, however, you need a less absurd premise.
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Old 12-22-2013, 08:34 PM
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^^^

I would think of it as a satire if you were to make it a comedy. I personally didn't like the plotline, either -- but i've also read plotlines that i also didn't like, but the story was amazing (if you get what i'm trying to get at).

I would make it more psychological than anything, but that's just me. With demons being involved with the hallucinations, it just wouldn't sound appealing. Maybe you could work on something else that she sees (or any other sense in that matter), or have it that she's been secretly testing her husband with different substances for some time, it'd connect better. Have the dialogue fluctuate randomly in different scenes, and have the audience connect that later on. Just some ideas.

Last edited by Spicynoodle; 12-22-2013 at 08:36 PM..
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Old 12-29-2013, 01:04 AM
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Yes!
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Old 12-29-2013, 02:58 PM
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The story seems to be a bit narrow. To few characters involved and the conflict between the female characters unbelievable and slightly boring. But it has potential. I would have involved a corporation, making the plot bigger than just Lynn and Danielle. Something more critical and exciting has to happen.
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Old 01-07-2014, 04:49 PM
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I could see it as a psychological thriller, if Danielle was extremely nefarious.
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Old 01-10-2014, 08:06 AM
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Overall I found the plot interesting, except for the part on drug-testing.

Since Danielle had tested the drugs on four men before (I'm assuming through similar means like marriage/cohabitation), it seems like she would have been moving around pretty often. If that were the case, how does she get resources to improve her drugs? I don't find it very believable that she could keep changing companies, or that she has her own lab of sorts.

Having said that, I do think the plotline has potential. Keep going!
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Old 03-17-2014, 01:44 PM
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The part about a father returning with a young bride and the kids being suspicious of her is really relatable, but the drug-testing bit doesn't work for me. There are plenty of people who volunteer for crazy, potentially-dangerous drug testing all the time. She wouldn't have to go through all of that just to test a new drug. At a minimum, she could go to another country where the standards on drug testing are even lower. In my opinion, Danielle should have another reason for wanting to marry him.
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Old 03-18-2014, 07:52 AM
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It's not that bad in my opinion but if the plot were more focused on Lynn or Lynn and Robert investigating and trying to find things out about Danielle it might create more of a rising action. It seems like-the way you've written it-that lynn gets suspicious, then danielle slips her hallucinogens and lynn kills robert. then out of nowhere danielle tells lynn everything (which i was a little confused by) then lynn kills her then herself.
overall, the concept ins't bad but it probably needs more meat (in my opinion)
hope this helped at all :/
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