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What I Want For My 15th Birthday

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Old 11-13-2010, 11:29 AM
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Default What I Want For My 15th Birthday


I want to be done pretending, but I couldn't, for the life of me, speak the truth. I want you to know how dark, how shallow my life really is. I'd give just about anything to feel normal again. I'm willing to give up what I've accomplished throughout my fourteen years of living, just to be free from this. My birthday is less than two weeks away - and soon I'll be fifteen. Christmas isn't too far off either. So this year, God, can you please just get me one present? I'm usually not so greedy and I hope I'm not asking too much. God, I don't want clothes, I don't want that cool new cell phone - Those video games can wait too. This year, I just want to feel normal. Even if it's just for one day, even if its just for one minute - even a second. I want to, just for a moment, look around this world and feel real - and I want to stop feeling like a stranger in my body. Maybe once I'd like to look in the mirror without feeling weird and say to myself "I am me."

I might have done some things I regret doing this year, but overall, I have tried to become a better person.

Do I deserve this gift?

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"I can stop the rain, but I can't stop the tears, oh I can fight the fire, but I can't fight the fear." - Three Days Grace
"Come back down, save yourself, if you fall then I will too and I can't save what's left of you." - Breaking Benjamin
"Everything about you pains my envying." - Muse


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Old 11-13-2010, 03:26 PM
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You're only 14? Really? I don't want to say something like, you haven't even lived yet and you're already claiming such a statement, because I have no clue what kind of life you live. But at 14, do you know what I was doing? I was having fun. Screw everything else. I did what I had to do to have fun.


Not sure if I can give you that gift, but I can give you chocolate? Would you like chocolate? Chocolate is the cure-all for me.
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Old 11-14-2010, 03:26 AM
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I have a gift for you if you want it Purple Bead. Find somewhere in your area to volunteer. Help someone else. Nothing gets you back to normal quicker than to do something for someone else. This is my gift to you. You can come back and word slap me if this doen't work. Find a homeless shelter, or somethnig similar, and lend a hand. It won't feel 'real' at first. But as you keep coming back, your heart will go out to these people, and that's when the healing begins.
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Old 11-14-2010, 04:42 AM
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Purple Bead,
Today is my birthday and I'm well into my thirties, I wish I was your age!
You have so much time ahead of you, so many opportunities. That may sound cliched but it's darn well true.
There's been plenty of good suggestions given to you on these forums, people are listening to you, they care. You can take these as gifts..if you want..
Have you always felt like this? Were there times that seemed good? Things can get good again.

Last edited by Nadja; 11-14-2010 at 06:02 AM..
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Old 11-14-2010, 10:44 AM
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First of all, Happy Birthday!

Second of all, I have felt this way for a few years now. It's a long story but it never seemed okay. And I forgot what it feels like to be normal. I just want to be reminded of it, and I just want to feel like I know who I am and I want to know that I'm real. Even if it's just for a minute, I want to feel normal.

I don't remember the last time I felt okay.
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"I can stop the rain, but I can't stop the tears, oh I can fight the fire, but I can't fight the fear." - Three Days Grace
"Come back down, save yourself, if you fall then I will too and I can't save what's left of you." - Breaking Benjamin
"Everything about you pains my envying." - Muse


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Old 11-14-2010, 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Purple Bead View Post
I want to be done pretending, but I couldn't, for the life of me, speak the truth. I want you to know how dark, how shallow my life really is. I'd give just about anything to feel normal again. I'm willing to give up what I've accomplished throughout my fourteen years of living, just to be free from this. My birthday is less than two weeks away - and soon I'll be fifteen. Christmas isn't too far off either. So this year, God, can you please just get me one present? I'm usually not so greedy and I hope I'm not asking too much. God, I don't want clothes, I don't want that cool new cell phone - Those video games can wait too. This year, I just want to feel normal. Even if it's just for one day, even if its just for one minute - even a second. I want to, just for a moment, look around this world and feel real - and I want to stop feeling like a stranger in my body. Maybe once I'd like to look in the mirror without feeling weird and say to myself "I am me."

I might have done some things I regret doing this year, but overall, I have tried to become a better person.

Do I deserve this gift?
Bead, although I know what you mean by this, I do want to say-

"You were born an original. Don't die a copy."

I have no idea who said that, but they hit the nail on the head. You have already shown you've got a great head on your shoulders. Don't be normal if you can help it. You are already exceptional, mi amiga, try stay that way.

Edit-
You seem like a really smart girl. What do you suppose might have caused all the sadness?
(If it's personal, you don't have to say. I'm not out to open wounds.)
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Black Rose, your thorns are cutting in to me for the last time. Black Rose, I watched your petals wilt away. I couldn't bring you back to life.

Last edited by sparta98; 11-14-2010 at 03:15 PM.. Reason: Spanish gender-verb agreement
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Old 11-14-2010, 04:34 PM
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It's puberty. Seriously. It's a looong, dark tunnel, and I was in it for about two and a half years too. I started emerging at around age fifteen and a half--you just have to wait it out. I can't even identify with what I was like then; it's hormones and they just wreak havoc with you.

Originally Posted by the wiki article
The brain undergoes significant development by hormones which can contribute to mood disorders such as major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, dysthymia and schizophrenia.
Now from the article on depressive disorder:

A person having a major depressive episode usually exhibits a very low mood, which pervades all aspects of life, and an inability to experience pleasure in activities that were formerly enjoyed. Depressed people may be preoccupied with, or ruminate over, thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt or regret, helplessness, hopelessness, and self-hatred.
Sound familiar at all? Me too. Everything seemed so much worse than it was. Just as an illustration, here are some free-verses I wrote at some point during those ages. Nobody's ever seen them, but that's not who I am anymore so I'm only sharing the words of a stranger.

Why can't I breathe? Feels like
shards of glass are stabbing into my lungs
I am deafened by the haunted cries
rapturous but full of misery
put my hands to my head,
trying to quell this
infernal noise.
And then it stops, and the
silence spreads like a cancer
in my mind.
I look down at the
piece of paper
and see one
word, over
and over,
"Help."
chandelier teardrops fall
into a pool
of shattered glass
and disappear

inside, pain explodes
spiderwebs of white light
the cold fingers that touch
cannot soothe

eyes in a mirror, desperate
pleading with their reflection
trying to fill the emptiness
with their own blood

watch strangers pass by
faces painted with broken dreams
see the crumbling headstones
decorated by dead flowers

picking up the pieces
of the broken mirror
maybe if we try
we can put them back together
There are a lot more disturbing ones. Plus, I always wore all-black and all this scary jewelry. Yeah, I was basically a reeeally fun person to be around. XP So...there's a light at the end, but it's only when you get there that you realise you were blindfolded.
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Old 11-16-2010, 08:19 AM
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yepp all teens are bipolar by nature
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Old 02-09-2015, 07:38 AM
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5 years later: I'm still in the same place. Not one day has gone by that I have lived without depersonalization. I'm 19 now.
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"I can stop the rain, but I can't stop the tears, oh I can fight the fire, but I can't fight the fear." - Three Days Grace
"Come back down, save yourself, if you fall then I will too and I can't save what's left of you." - Breaking Benjamin
"Everything about you pains my envying." - Muse


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Old 02-09-2015, 08:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Purple Bead View Post
5 years later: I'm still in the same place. Not one day has gone by that I have lived without depersonalization. I'm 19 now.

Legal adult. No more parental control.

Did you graduate high school?
Got a place of your own now?

I ask this after reading some of your previous posts including much of the original one.
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Old 02-09-2015, 10:14 AM
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Go into nature, work with animals, get off the internet, have a life

remember...

love yourself, it's on loan

spend time in nature, it is number one

always be love and let the light in

...and take a vitamin B complex everyday
some say Saint Johns Wort works beautifully when low

You write well and are intelligent which will serve you well

go now and be free of the darkness...



.

Last edited by sdenyer; 02-09-2015 at 10:45 AM..
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Old 02-09-2015, 11:48 AM
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I've been thinking about you and have come to the conclusion
you don't know yourself very well and concentrate on just a few parts of yourself not giving any chances of development to the other sides of your self

What you have going on here is a brute piggy living its wishes/ demands out and not allowing the kinder more rewarding aspects of your self to live. I would kindly tell the piggy that it takes a lot of space for a small piggy and he needs to lie down so the others can get two words in.

you are the conductor, you must conduct and hear all the instruments

asshole piggies are in all of us
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Old 02-09-2015, 12:52 PM
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Here is a wonderful poem my mother sent me for Christmas, now for you on your birthday.




Sunflower Sutra

BY ALLEN GINSBERG

I walked on the banks of the tincan banana dock and sat down under the huge shade of a Southern Pacific locomotive to look at the sunset over the box house hills and cry.
Jack Kerouac sat beside me on a busted rusty iron pole, companion, we thought the same thoughts of the soul, bleak and blue and sad-eyed, surrounded by the gnarled steel roots of trees of machinery.
The oily water on the river mirrored the red sky, sun sank on top of final Frisco peaks, no fish in that stream, no hermit in those mounts, just ourselves rheumy-eyed and hung-over like old bums on the riverbank, tired and wily.
Look at the Sunflower, he said, there was a dead gray shadow against the sky, big as a man, sitting dry on top of a pile of ancient sawdust—
—I rushed up enchanted—it was my first sunflower, memories of Blake—my visions—Harlem
and Hells of the Eastern rivers, bridges clanking Joes Greasy Sandwiches, dead baby carriages, black treadless tires forgotten and unretreaded, the poem of the riverbank, condoms & pots, steel knives, nothing stainless, only the dank muck and the razor-sharp artifacts passing into the past—
and the gray Sunflower poised against the sunset, crackly bleak and dusty with the smut and smog and smoke of olden locomotives in its eye—
corolla of bleary spikes pushed down and broken like a battered crown, seeds fallen out of its face, soon-to-be-toothless mouth of sunny air, sunrays obliterated on its hairy head like a dried wire spiderweb,
leaves stuck out like arms out of the stem, gestures from the sawdust root, broke pieces of plaster fallen out of the black twigs, a dead fly in its ear,
Unholy battered old thing you were, my sunflower O my soul, I loved you then!
The grime was no man’s grime but death and human locomotives,
all that dress of dust, that veil of darkened railroad skin, that smog of cheek, that eyelid of black mis’ry, that sooty hand or phallus or protuberance of artificial worse-than-dirt—industrial—modern—all that civilization spotting your crazy golden crown—
and those blear thoughts of death and dusty loveless eyes and ends and withered roots below, in the home-pile of sand and sawdust, rubber dollar bills, skin of machinery, the guts and innards of the weeping coughing car, the empty lonely tincans with their rusty tongues alack, what more could I name, the smoked ashes of some cock cigar, the cunts of wheelbarrows and the milky breasts of cars, wornout asses out of chairs & sphincters of dynamos—all these
entangled in your mummied roots—and you there standing before me in the sunset, all your glory in your form!
A perfect beauty of a sunflower! a perfect excellent lovely sunflower existence! a sweet natural eye to the new hip moon, woke up alive and excited grasping in the sunset shadow sunrise golden monthly breeze!
How many flies buzzed round you innocent of your grime, while you cursed the heavens of the railroad and your flower soul?
Poor dead flower? when did you forget you were a flower? when did you look at your skin and decide you were an impotent dirty old locomotive? the ghost of a locomotive? the specter and shade of a once powerful mad American locomotive?
You were never no locomotive, Sunflower, you were a sunflower!
And you Locomotive, you are a locomotive, forget me not!
So I grabbed up the skeleton thick sunflower and stuck it at my side like a scepter,
and deliver my sermon to my soul, and Jack’s soul too, and anyone who’ll listen,
—We’re not our skin of grime, we’re not dread bleak dusty imageless locomotives, we’re golden sunflowers inside, blessed by our own seed & hairy naked accomplishment-bodies growing into mad black formal sunflowers in the sunset, spied on by our own eyes under the shadow of the mad locomotive riverbank sunset Frisco hilly tincan evening sitdown vision.

Berkeley, 1955
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Old 12-29-2016, 09:17 AM
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update: went through the crappiest season of my life this year because of this. changed my entire life. but i have a new hope now. God. <3 thanks for all your supportive comments.
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"I can stop the rain, but I can't stop the tears, oh I can fight the fire, but I can't fight the fear." - Three Days Grace
"Come back down, save yourself, if you fall then I will too and I can't save what's left of you." - Breaking Benjamin
"Everything about you pains my envying." - Muse


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Old 12-31-2016, 03:00 AM
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Aw, pshah ... twern't nuthin.
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