My latest 10 minute play, just published by Helm Publishing.
Dave Ė the last man on Earth
Katrin Ė a young journalist
Eleanor Ė sexy and youthful
Amanda Ė another attractive, young woman
Carla Ė a ditsy blonde
Patricia Ė Daveís secretary
Janice Ė the middle-aged leader of the women. Ill-tempered, butch and frumpy
A lounge room, decorated with very feminine furnishings.
Dave is sitting on his couch, spread-eagled drinking a beer. Eleanor enters, looks at him lustily, and makes her way over.
Eleanor: Hey honey, Iím home. I brought you your favourite dessert.
Dave: I donít really have a favourite.
Eleanor: Itís me, honey. Me. Rawr!
Eleanor flops down next to Dave, pawing him on the arm. He sips a beer, self-satisfied.
Eleanor: You can lick that off myÖ nipple.
Dave raises his eyebrows, nodding approvingly.
Eleanor: Arenít you going to tell me how sexy I am, baby?
Dave: I canít see enough to decide which adjectives to use. Why donít you show me more?
Eleanor smiles coyly, then rips her shirt open/off.
Eleanor: You like that?
Dave: Uh huh.
Amanda enters. She is wearing a nurseís outfit.
Amanda: Honey buns, Iím home.
Dave: Oh, hey Amanda.
Amanda: How are you, gorgeous?
Dave: Getting better by the second.
Eleanor: Hey cutie. I didnít know you
Amanda: Is there room for me, Eleanor?
Eleanor: Sure is.
Amanda: Great. ButÖ Iím not alone. Can we make space for Carla too?
Eleanor: I can always make room for her.
Eleanor squeezes up against Dave and Eleanor joins them.
Eleanor: (CALLING) Carla! Hurry up!
Carla enters. Eleanor and Amanda wave her over and she joins them. Dave is quietly ecstatic.
Carla: Hi Dave. I was just waxing my bikini line.
Dave: Hi Carla.
Amanda: Should we make out with each other first, Dave, or do you want us to please you right now?
Dave: Iím going to let you make that decision.
Janice enters, dressed plainly and carrying a rolled-up newspaper. She walks flirtatiously over to the couch as the girls give each other passionate looks and exchange strokes.
Janice: Youíve been a bad boy, Dave. Do you want me to spank you?
Dave sees Janice and looks crestfallen. The girls on him Ė without losing their passion Ė drift apart.
Janice: Iím giving you a good thwacking whether you want it or not. Show me that tight little butt.
Dave: No, Janice. Canít you come back in five minutes? I mean twenty minutes?
Janice: No I cannot. I get what I want when I want and I want to spank you now.
Janice starts hitting Dave on the face with the paper. The girls disperse and leave the stage. Dave lies back on the couch, not covering his face.
Janice: You like it when I hit you? Hmm? You like that, big boy? Want it a little harder? (JANICEíS VOICE BECOMES FIRMER AND LOSES ITS SULTRY TONE) Wake up, you lazy pig! Wake up. Youíre the laziest slob on the planet. Wake UP!
Dave starts, covers his face and looks around.
Dave: Jesus, Janice. Lay off, will you?
Janice: Itís four in the afternoon and youíre sound asleep. God, the world really is better off without you lot.
Dave: Fair go. I was just having a power nap beforeÖ (TRAILS OFF)
Janice: Before what, Dave? Before your main snooze? You have a visitor. Smarten yourself up and make a good impression. Not many people get this privilege so do your best to look human. (EXITS STAGE; CALLING) Heís ready!
Dave grumbles quietly and sits up.
Dave: Fat cow ruins my life and
Patricia enters, showing Katrin in.
Patricia: Katrin Summers, this is Dave Zwartenovsky, the last man on Earth.
Katrin: Itís such a pleasure to meet you, Dave.
Dave: (GETTING UP) Thank you, Patricia. (TO KATRIN) Please, take a seat.
Dave and Katrin sit down as Janice returns, texting. Patricia remains standing there.
Dave: Thank you
Patricia: Itís just, I was hoping you could quickly tell me how to save the finance records as PDFs. I canít seem to get it to work.
Dave: (SIGHS) You open the spreadsheet, press print from the file menu and select the pdf printer.
Patricia: Thank you!
Patricia leaves. Dave smiles tiredly at Katrin, who writes notes during her interview
Katrin: Mr Zwartenovsky, itís such a pleasureÖ
Dave: We already covered that. Remind me who you work for.
Katrin: Oh, sorry. Iím with Feminist Monthly. Weíve been trying to arrange this interview for months.
Dave: ďFeminist MonthlyĒ? Are feminists still necessary?
Katrin: Oh, well, you see, itís justÖ
Dave: Just ask your questions.
Katrin: Oh, sorry. Okay, well, whatís it like being the last surviving male of the species?
Dave: What kind of a retarded question is that?
Carla: Dave, sorry to interrupt. Amanda dropped an earring in the sink and we canít get it out. Can you help?
Dave: No, Iím doing an interview. Unscrew the U-bend and empty it into a bucket.
Carla: Weíve tried, but we canít get the pipes to budge.
Dave: (IMPATIENT) Use a shifting spanner.
Carla: A... shifting spanner?
Dave: Bloody hell. Iíll do it when this is over.
Carla: Sorry. Thank you.
Carla leaves. Katrin looks at her lap, uncomfortable.
Dave: Sorry, but whatís the point of asking me stupid questions like that? How do you think it feels? Iím surrounded by women every minute of every day and Iím not allowed to touch them. The Minister for Reproduction keeps me as a slave.
Janice: You canít talk about me in interviews, Dave. Miss Summers, print that and Iíll have your uterus.
Katrin: I wonít.
Janice: Youíd better not.
Dave: Oh, ignore that grouchy old dyke, Katrin. Do you have a sensible question for me?
Katrin: Um, okay. What was going through your mind when the Van Dusen Virus was at its peak?
Dave: Thatís sensible, is it? Hmm, let me think. I was scared
that the Van Dusen Virus would kill me. I was sad
that every male in the world was dead or dying. I was confused
when it didnít seem to be affecting me, then I was angry
at God for what Heíd done. Wonít that make for unexpected reading?
Eleanor: Dave, Patriciaís going to take me to the shops but the carís doing that thing again. Can you get it started for us?
Dave: Why is my
secretary taking you
to the shops, Eleanor?
Eleanor: Iíve let her take an early lunch.
Dave: Fine. Pop the hood and make sure thereís enough coolant.
Dave: Jesus. Iíll do it when Iím done. Bugger off.
Eleanor leaves. Dave turns to Katrin.
Dave: Sorry about them. Why donít you ask me why Iím young, single, the only man on Earth, and havenít had sex in seven months?
Janice: Nope. You canít print anything about Daveís sex life. Itís illegal under Section 23 of the Reproduction Act.
Katrin: With all due respect Minister, Iíd be able to concentrate better if we had some privacy. Youíll get to see the story before it goes to print anyway.
Janice: Excuse me, missy?!
Dave: Janice, sheís harmless. Just give her a shot. She couldnít damage the career of a popstar caught blowing a horse.
Janice rolls her eyes and leaves the stage.
Dave: Sorry. That was the only way Iíd ever get her to leave.
Katrin: Thatís totally fine. Hey, listen to me. Iím not reallyÖ
Katrin is interrupted by Amanda and Carla entering.
Amanda: Dave, I need a manís opinion. Does this necklace make my butt look fat?
Carla: It totally doesnít, Mands. You look awesome.
Amanda: Thanks babe. But Dave, be honest with me. Is it okay?
Dave: You look fine, Amanda.
Amanda: Really? Not that Iím hinting
at anything, but I dropped my earrings in the sink and I canít get them out, so I had to pick out totally new jewellery.
Dave: If only contemporary women had studied plumbing. Do you two mind? Iím being interviewed.
Patricia and Eleanor enter the stage.
Patricia: Apologies, Mr Zwartenovsky. I was wishing to take young Miss Eleanor to the shops during my lunch breakÖ
Dave: But your carís stuffed. I know, Iíll come and fix it in fifteen minutes.
Patricia: Actually, I realised Iíve left some groceries in the car. I need a strong man to help me carry them inside.
Dave: Canít Janice do it?
Eleanor: Dave, donít be horrible. Janice didnít ask for those genes.
Dave: Canít you needy idiots leave me alone for five minutes? Iím trying to do an interview.
Carla: Thatís good, Dave. Show your emotions.
Amanda: Very metrosexual.
Dave: Shut up, you cows.
Patricia: Iíll have you know, Mr Zwartenovsky, that kind of sexist language offends me.
Eleanor: Me too.
Amanda: No, let him emote. We donít want him bottling it all up.
Dave: Can you all just piss off so I can give this poor woman her interview?
Carla: We should stay. This is helping him free his soul from negativity.
Dave: You want to stay? Fine! Katrin, hereís your story. My name is Dave Zwartenovsky and Iím the last surviving male of the species. A deadly virus travelled the world and killed any human with a Y chromosome. My friends and half my family were dead. I had no one to play Xbox or rugby with. But then I thought, ĎHold on, three billion females and just me
? Whoís going to ensure the survival of the species?í All of a sudden I was as happy as a pig in shit! Iíd have a million urinals all to myself, Iíd be the only person in the world able to parallel park, and not only would I be the best looking man around, but my full time job would be fucking to save the species!
Of course, things didnít go to the Zwartenovsky plan. Women took over politics and all of a sudden there was a government department for reproduction which made it illegal for me to get anyone pregnant. They wanted to use sperm from dead donors and monitor all childbirths to ensure there was no incest. Iím locked in a mansion with a bunch of hot, dim-witted women who tease me all day long but arenít legally allowed to do anything with me. Have you ever heard of the McClintock Effect, Katrin? Itís where womenís periods sync up when they live together. Can you imagine living with an asexual harem having group PMS? Iím the last man alive and I have blue balls!
There is silence for a moment.
Amanda: That must feel so
Carla: Offload it, Dave.
Dave: (SCREAMING) Out! All of you out! Let me finish this interview in peace, you horrid pack of rabid harpies. Leave me alone for half a damned minute!
The women look shocked. Dave scares them all offstage and returns to sit with Katrin.
Dave: Great. So, did that cover everything?
Katrin: Look, Dave, Iím not a journalist.
Katrin: I conned my way in here. Iím from Christians For Natural Conception. Weíre a radical organisation who opposes the governmentís controlling legislation regarding you
. We want to conceive naturally, Dave. We want you
Dave: You want myÖ genetic material?
Katrin: No, Dave, we want it all
. We want your genes and we want them the way God meant us to get them.
Dave: How many of you are there?
Katrin: Two hundred.
Dave: (JOYFUL) I think Iím going to be ill.
Katrin: We need to get you out of here. Our van is waiting down the street. Iím going to leave after the interview and I want you to follow in exactly five minutes. Weíll drive by and rescue you, Dave. We want to have your babies.
Dave: This is the happiest moment of my life.
Janice: I knew it! There was something about you I didnít trust from your very first application.
Katrin jumps on Dave and pulls a knife. The others begin to enter, one by one.
Katrin: Come near me and I cut his throat open, Minister
Janice: Weíll make your life a living hell if you so much as scratch that boy.
Dave: Uh, Katrin?
Katrin: Shut up! Move out of the way or Iíll do it. I have nothing to lose.
Patricia sneaks around behind Katrin.
Janice: You have a lot to lose, sweetheart. You have two hundred sisters who will all rot in prison if he so much as steps out of this room. We know where each and every one of you lives.
Katrin: You canít touch the others. Theyíre innocent.
Janice: Conspiracy to commit terrorism is a criminal offence.
Katrin: Just get out of my way bitch, or he dies. Do you want to gamble him?
Dave: Youíd better let her past, Janice. I donít want to die.
Patricia karate chops Katrinís neck and she collapses to the ground. The girls rush over to hug Dave. Janice moves over to Katrinís clipboard and starts writing on it.
Eleanor: Nice work, Patricia!
Carla: You saved him.
Amanda: She was going to hurt our Davey!
Dave starts sobbing. The women pat his back soothingly, as though he was traumatised from the attempted kidnapping. Patricia notices Janice.
Patricia: Janice, what are you doing?
Janice: Just ensuring nothing like this ever happens again.
Janice: Iím finishing Miss Summersí article for her. Feminist Monthly needs a story.
Amanda: But how will that help Dave.
Janice: Because no one will ever try to steal his sperm again when they find out he contracted AIDS from a gay bathhouse.
Patricia: Aaw, thatís terrible. Letís go make him a quilt, girls!
Dave drops to his knees as all the women leave the stage. He screams at the top of his voice.
Dave: Why, God, why?
Lights snap off.