Shakespearian Immaturity (Lot o' words)
This was originally a story for class but, out of the obscene conversation pieces i decide to develop it into a classic tale of wit and cunning within a whimsical land. I present to the WritersBeat...
A Summer's Eve
Act I: Scene I
Setting: A lush and beautiful forest alive with the sounds of birds and bees in their mating stages.
Protaganist Sir Copain enters on foot dressed as knight.
Sir Copain [Shouting]: Jacquelin! Oh Jacquelin! Where are thou fabled maiden of the woods!
[Listens for sounds]
Copain [to himself]: I lust to hear the sound of mine sweet maidens voice.
Unembodied voice: Oh my one sweet love, where are thou I must see thee!
Sir Copain: Maiden is that thou who's yonder call i hear, thy dost sound sweet like the caw of a crow, or the bellow of a cow!
[Serge appears dressed as woman]
Sir Copain: Egad! Art thou so ugly! I wish to slice off thy head and parade it around the square as a knight would a dragon or some other ferocious bogart!
Serge: Oh how sweet thou are with words!
Sir Copain: Thy voice is too horrific to mine ears! Thou dost cause mine manhood to withdraw within mine abdomen and vomit to expel itself from mine throat.
Serge [running to hold hands with Sir Copain]: Oh are thou not impressed by mine gorgeous looks and mine honey dew voice?
Sir Copain [staggers back, clutching his throat]: Woman how lucky thou are! if t'were not for mine reflexes i would have expelled thy yonder mornings breakfast upon thee!
Serge: Oh, thou dost ever love me! For any man so unloving would have vomited upon mine blouse!
Sir Copain: I am not one to lieth to someone as dull witted as thee, thou are not attractive to mine eyes and never will be. It breaketh mine heart... but thy, thy... I will stay as strong as an oak. For I will keep searching for that one true love of mine.
Serge: Forever art thou the most humble man I have met, to not toss me away such as a cloth holding excrement upon it.
Sir Copain: Misses, thou art so understanding with how mine vain personality doth work. And I being of all honesty will furthermore enlighten thee of the bulge in your pantaloons.
Serge: The bulge in my pantaloons be nothing more than a bunch of under pantaloons, please excuseth it as thou would any other maidens bulge.
Sir Copain[Springs back and draws his sword]: Avast! I knew thou not to be a woman!
Serge[throwing off wig and drawing a dagger from his trousers] How did thou figure mine greatest trick in the land so fast! Thou must be of great wit! But as witty as thou are, thou will never have the wittiest of the wit, that wit, which is only able to obtain my sister, Jacquelin!
Sir Copain: It twas easy to figure thee not a woman, because no maiden would speak of her bulge in front of a man! Prepareth to die by the hand of the wittiest wit in all of the kingdom, brother of Jacquelin!
[Serge's sword is knocked from his grasp leaving Sir Copain with the upper hand. As Sir Copain prepares to kill Serge, a woman in a dress appears from the foilage, stopping Sir Copain from killing her brother.]
Jacquelin: Whatever are thou doing to my foolish brother!
Sir Copain[Lowering his sword.]: Maiden! Thou do exist!
Jacquelin[turning to Serge]: Were thou exposing thyself to this traveler? Have thou not learnt from what I have told thee! And wearing one of mine garments, are thou not right in the head?
Serge[grabbing his sword from the brush]: I exposeth myself once and forever, I am tormented for the act!And thy dress was necessary, for I was trying to protect thee from this man, a foul and awful being of no remorse for the ugly and dimwitted!
Sir Copain: Of course I've no remorse for them, thou hast shown me that thyself!
Jacquelin[hitting both Sir Copain and Serge] Stop it! Stop it! Thy both of thee! Dost thou traveler not know how to behaveth in front of a woman? And thee brother, thou efforts are greatly appreciated, but nevertheless invaluable to my protection, for I am protecting thee more than thou are protecting thy!
Serge: I will not be told how thine protection is unneeded by a comedic little woman!
Sir Copain: Speaketh to thy maiden like that again and I will pin your manhood to a tree!
Serge: My manhood has long been gone! And in being so, it would be unable to pin to a tree!
[Serge and Sir Copain cross swords in front of Jacquelin]
[Jacquelin begins to seperate them when several voices are heard in the distance.]
Serge: Sister, dost thou know whose younder voices belong to? We must go! Leave this conceded chapel boy for them to slaughter! Whilst they do so we will escape!
Jacquelin: As awful and selfish as his being is, we cannot be evil enough to leave him here. Come traveler, ye will flee with us.
Sir Copain: Awful and selfish I am not! I am witty and of great charm, not excluding my heavenly looks. I also have the thought capactiy to store great talent and skill! Maiden, thou would be impressed to know I am of great gracefullness with a spear in hand.
Serge: Skill in a weapon with the obvious resemblance of a...
Jacquelin [cutting off Serge]: They near us! If we are caught, thoust will be killed! And I subjected to the forces of man!
Sir Copain: Woman, all men are not of brutish and forceful nature. Come, we will greet them! I am also a skilled orator.
Serge: Skilled with thine mouth as well! Thou art a chapel boy.
Sir Copain: That is all I bear to take from this dimwitted sod! Prepare to taste my sword!
Serge: Tis too easy to make jesters at thee!
Jacquelin: Thoust can stay and be slain by the hand of brutish killers! I will stand here no longer and listen to thou both bicker such as children!
Serge: I believe it would be more appropriate if we mimicked a child and a chapel boy!
[Jacquelin frustrated, runs into the woods.]
Sir Copain: Thoust manhood will pay for the spoken insults of thy mind!
[Sir Copain hits Serge below the belt. As Serge collaspes Sir Copain runs into the woods after Jacquelin.]
Serge[standing up]: Tis not the end of our confrontation chapel boy!
[Serge runs off stage as several guards and an elegantly dressed templar appear on stage.]
Cou DeBouche[halts the guards with a wave of his hand.] Stop! These forests are disturbed! Here lie trodden footprints in the grass. Guards, find the way these people fled! It may be the maiden of the forest!
Guard 1[holding up Serges wig]: Here sir! It seems twas the maiden of the forest! For she has lost her hair, and is presumably running bald through the branches!
Cou DeBouche[Snatching the wig]: Thou fool! This is an unpleasant guise used not by the maiden!
Guard 2[near edge of stage]: Sir, the branches here have been broken!
Cou DeBouche: This must be the way they hath fled! Onward men, we will find mine maiden of the woods!
[The group leaves the stage]
End of Act I