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The 'don't look' conundrum

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Old 07-26-2013, 12:16 AM
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Default The 'don't look' conundrum


I went the St Paul's Carnival in Bristol recently. I've been going almost every year since I was a kid. It's an annual event which celebrates Caribbean culture; mainly Jamaican and Bajan but you also get African and South American elements thrown in. Always great fun, good music, massive sound systems thumping out dub beats, loads of live acts, precession, traditional Caribbean food barbecued to perfection etc. You usually have 60,000 plus attend.

This year was damn near ruined, however, by the 'don't look' conundrum. I wanted to see what the WB crew thought of this issue. A pretty old issue, the same issue in one way which has millions of women today in Burkas.

So I was walking through the crowds with my partner, surveying, taking in the atmosphere and before long was getting the evil eye. I was clearly excited, the music and heat got to me, I'd had a few beers but I was not 'drooling and staring' as I was accused. It's true, there were a lot of women wearing next to nothing, lot of men too, everyone dresses up, naturally you people watch.

I can't see what I could have done to avoid the scorn, aside from perhaps walking along staring at the sky or the ground for the whole time.

Every man looks at women. Any woman who thinks their partner doesn't is deluded. I think the same applies vice versa. I understand it's a case of 'don't do it while your with them, it's rude'. But like I said, I wasn't staring, but I think it's silly to go out of your way not to look at anyone, and even more silly to expect someone to do that.

So... what's so bad about looking?

And when this is going on, isn't that the point?


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Old 07-26-2013, 01:50 AM
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There is nothing wrong in looking. My GF also would. You go there to see something different, then it depends how you look I guess.
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Old 07-26-2013, 10:55 AM
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It's never so much that you shouldn't look, but that you should do a better job of pretending to not look.

Sort of like governments and corruption.
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Old 07-26-2013, 11:08 AM
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Get a new partner perhaps? One without jealousy issues?

I'm more likely to gawp than my husband.
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Old 07-26-2013, 11:09 AM
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Of course we look. Although, some of us may be more subtle than others about it.

But for me, it's got to be the whole package, so if his face isn't attractive to me, or the shoulders are narrow, or the jaw is weak, or he's shorter than me, why bother with the rest?

I understand men don't need always need a package deal, so they can appreciate a round back side or a good pair of boobs solely on their own merit, therefore your eye candy range probably goes up a notch, right?

I know hubby looks, but I'm not offended by him appreciating some random attractive female in the street. If it was someone we knew who got more of his attention than me - different scenario entirely, then my big green eyed monster would come out loud, rowdy and troublesome!
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Old 07-26-2013, 11:12 AM
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If someone has a huge fluffy head thing and glittery outfit I am going to look. If they didn't I probably would have too. Just as I like eyeing up interesting buildings.

Though, now all I can think of is mac pie. Mmm. Sounds like a fun event.
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Old 07-26-2013, 11:22 AM
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Oh boy.

I grew up with this family where the husband didn't just look and look. He was ALWAYS looking and it drove me crazy. I would have smacked him silly.

Its NBD though as I even check out nice looking women! A cute outfit that compliments, darn right Im takin notes! lol

Ok and a nice rack is super had to NOT look at LOL. Some women are SUPER blessed in that region.

My hubs is very nice about it though and only checks fairly reasonably, and never lets his head swivel from its shoulders over another gal. No eyes on stalks but he wears dark glasses - smart man.

I look too at dudes with swag, in a way that is fair and says "Easy on the eyes two oclock" but never a second one that says "And I vanna hump a lot."

Just balance in everything. Nakey women running the streets and doing acrobats? I can't ask him to be a saint! he is just a man after all!
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Old 07-26-2013, 11:41 AM
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John,, just get some mirror shades - sorted.
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Old 07-28-2013, 03:16 PM
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Honestly this will always be a conundrum. I think the more self confident your partner is, the less it would probably bother them. Lots of times my boyfriend and I will pick our favorites while watching movies, especially if theres nudity involved. I've never had a problem with those kinds of things because its all fantasy. Its a little different if you're just out on the town and see some normal chick walking around though. It happens sometimes... usually I find the best way to not get super pissed off about it is to comment on it out loud. And not a, "You pig why are you staring at other women," comment. More like, "Check out her boobs, holy crap!" It kind of helps lighten the mood. And I'm so insecure, it doesn't matter if my boyfriend is drooling over another women (which I honestly have never caught him doing) or ignoring her completely, I'd still get a minor burst of jealousy. It's just something you have to deal with.

But anyways, that was a little off topic, the main reason I wanted to put an answer to this is because I have a cousin and close friend who is super mega jealous, and she's a very pretty girl. Better looking than I am. It always surprises me when she talks about it, because she's so strict with it. She isn't that controlling type of girlfriend either, but for some reason, seeing her boyfriend even do a thing such as comment on another girls picture with, "Nice picture " on Facebook can freak her out. She's even talked to me about how she hates that she feels that way, but doesn't know how to NOT be that way.

So anyways, my point is, we come in all shapes and sizes, mentally as well as physically. Some people just can't help that they get jealous, and yeah, it may be annoying to have to deal with, but if you love that person you'll learn to forgive them for it. And if its a quality you know you couldn't deal with in a significant other, at least its the kind of thing you usually find out about sooner rather than later. I don't think it's something that someone should be condemned for, at any rate. The looking, or the jealousy. Just another part of human nature, if you ask me.
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Old 07-28-2013, 04:48 PM
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I seem to recall a certain Bard having something to say about "to err".
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Old 07-28-2013, 05:06 PM
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Just talk about them as if you are their best friend, and point out stuff like,
"Those boots do not match that skirt!"
"Wow that is a nice skirt"
"I wonder where they got those boots?"
"Those feathers are to die for"

...but I wonder... is it about the wank bank (or spank bank - depending on where one resides)? Ergo,saving it up for later use...
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Old 07-29-2013, 01:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Crump View Post
John,, just get some mirror shades - sorted.
And learn the old married man's trick of walking 2 paces behind your beloved.
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Old 07-29-2013, 02:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Mike C View Post
And learn the old married man's trick of walking 2 paces behind your beloved.
Oh is THAT what's going on.... Hmmmm (squinty eyes).

I could do like my friend and when passing the ones he likes most yell out, "Hey lady! My hubby likes yur tatas!" and keep on walking LOL
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Old 07-29-2013, 08:28 PM
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And when this is going on, isn't that the point?
Absolutely that's the point; a lot of West-Indian, Caribbean and South American festivals are, if not highly sexualised, certainly not conservative about the human (usually female) form and attractiveness/lust etc.
Consider the Loa's of vodou - (not voodoo, which was originally a healing-based religion/spiritual practice originally demonised by the spanish conquistadors with most of the more undead-y connotations lifted from european 'witchcraft' myths) many are buxom females or suave, attractive males. They're all about fertility, love, lust, death and temptations of the flesh.
So yeah, that is exactly the point of that type of festival.

Personally, I make a point of 'checking out' particularly attractive women when no one is looking. I don't like to make people feel uncomfortable, and I don't want to appear lecherous, but if someone good looking bends do up their shoes in the middle of the street, I feel absolutely no guilt drinking it in. If there's a good looking woman walking in front of me, I will look directly at her arse if I want to, because damn it, what's so bad about that? I'm not going to assault her or grope her, for fuck's sake, so stop looking at me like that. Stop it.
Fucking STOP.
Darn it, I'm programmed by millions of years of evolution and modern society to love the sight of those magnificent jubblies jacked up under your chin; I'm a man, (yes I am, and I can't help but love you so) but I'm not a brute.
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Old 08-01-2013, 12:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Mike C View Post
And learn the old married man's trick of walking 2 paces behind your beloved.
Originally Posted by Crump View Post
John,, just get some mirror shades - sorted.
Funny you should say these things. It wasn't intentional, but I did happen to be behind her, wearing shades.

Didn't really matter. The main problem started when she tried to ask me a question and I couldn't hear and didn't look at her while she was talking. I think she might have said the same thing 2 or 3 times and my reply was 'what?' whilst continuing to survey.

From there on, I was 'distracted', which I was, but not just because there were loads of half naked women, because there was loads of people, and loud music, pungent smells... y'know that sort of thing. We'd only been there half-hour or so.

Anyway, it is what it is, she was threatened and I'm just venting here. I love carnival.
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Old 08-01-2013, 03:18 AM
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Originally Posted by JohnConstantine View Post
Didn't really matter. The main problem started when she tried to ask me a question and I couldn't hear and didn't look at her while she was talking. I think she might have said the same thing 2 or 3 times and my reply was 'what?' whilst continuing to survey.
Then you go to man-trick no. 65, just nod in agreement, doesn't really matter what they were saying*... I know what people are thinking, 'then you have probably agreed to mister and missus in-laws staying for the week', but you already agreed to that the last time you nodded your head, remember...?

*sorry
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Old 08-01-2013, 06:49 AM
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Someone walking in front of someone else, talking with their head pointed straight ahead, especially in a loud environment, isn't going to be easily heard by anyone behind them. Just acoustics, no biggie.

Shame your carnival experience wasn't as good as it could have been, John.

But in general, it sounds like you both got some communication issues going on. Maybe talk more, you know? That old nugget.
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Old 08-01-2013, 07:28 AM
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Originally Posted by JohnConstantine View Post
The main problem started when she tried to ask me a question and I couldn't hear and didn't look at her while she was talking. I think she might have said the same thing 2 or 3 times and my reply was 'what?' whilst continuing to survey.
OK, then you need man-trick no.75 - interrupt her (neatly avoiding having to have a clue about what she's talking about), point just over the shoulder of the woman with the least clothes ands biggest breasts that you've been evaluating, and say "Look over there! I'm sure I just saw that guy from (name her favourite soap)!"

Women are generally far cleverer than us but can be wrong-footed if we appear to be even more stupid than usual.
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Old 08-05-2013, 03:35 PM
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Incidentally Google has created a pair of glasses that will one day allow a person to record it and save it all for later... but that is nothing compared to the scientists who grew a beef patty in a petri dish...
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Old 08-05-2013, 04:10 PM
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Originally Posted by JohnConstantine View Post
Funny you should say these things. It wasn't intentional, but I did happen to be behind her, wearing shades.

Didn't really matter. The main problem started when she tried to ask me a question and I couldn't hear and didn't look at her while she was talking. I think she might have said the same thing 2 or 3 times and my reply was 'what?' whilst continuing to survey.

From there on, I was 'distracted', which I was, but not just because there were loads of half naked women, because there was loads of people, and loud music, pungent smells... y'know that sort of thing. We'd only been there half-hour or so.

Anyway, it is what it is, she was threatened and I'm just venting here. I love carnival.
Well now you're telling us more, John, the real issue here is that you were inattentive - now that is a cardinal error. Women think that men can't multi-task, and that is greatly to our advantage, because when we have learned the trick of appearing completely attentive whilst actually focusing on whatever diversion we happen to fancy we acquire a skill that will serve us well for the rest of our lives. What's more, the ladies never for a moment suspect we could possibly do this. You must concentrate your mind on developing this ability, Grasshopper.
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Old 08-06-2013, 12:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Crump View Post
Well now you're telling us more, John, the real issue here is that you were inattentive - now that is a cardinal error. Women think that men can't multi-task, and that is greatly to our advantage, because when we have learned the trick of appearing completely attentive whilst actually focusing on whatever diversion we happen to fancy we acquire a skill that will serve us well for the rest of our lives. What's more, the ladies never for a moment suspect we could possibly do this. You must concentrate your mind on developing this ability, Grasshopper.

Oh please, if men COULD multitask I wouldn't see them all writing at the coffee shop or hear about them needing quiet while writing. What a nice luxury THAT must be.

Most of us women are here at home doing laundry, dinner, kids, house, doorbell, cell phone, nails, dogs, husband looking for socks, tv, another laptop/ipad, all the while writing a story about how Muriel is secretly stalking her next victim (go figure).

I know several top made series written next to the hubs in bed with the laptop while the house is FINALLY peaceful for those few hours.... If they'd have been written by men he no doubt would be talking about how he, "shut everyone out of the office" lmao

Ive been the boss of PLENTY of men to know they cannot multitask and even less so when a pretty woman is in the room.
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Old 08-06-2013, 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by calligraphy View Post
Oh please, if men COULD multitask I wouldn't see them all writing at the coffee shop or hear about them needing quiet while writing. What a nice luxury THAT must be.

Most of us women are here at home doing laundry, dinner, kids, house, doorbell, cell phone, nails, dogs, husband looking for socks, tv, another laptop/ipad, all the while writing a story about how Muriel is secretly stalking her next victim (go figure).

I know several top made series written next to the hubs in bed with the laptop while the house is FINALLY peaceful for those few hours.... If they'd have been written by men he no doubt would be talking about how he, "shut everyone out of the office" lmao

Ive been the boss of PLENTY of men to know they cannot multitask and even less so when a pretty woman is in the room.
So, you can see what I mean, John, they simply don't believe it.
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Old 08-06-2013, 03:03 PM
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It's ok to look if they're lesbians...


Pride by Mike Coombes, on ipernity
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Old 08-07-2013, 03:59 AM
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Lookit the thread full of gender stereotypes.

Shit, I hike my tits up in a bra so they don't disappear into little flat pancakes under my clothes. If males didn't look at them, I'd be surprised and probably a bit disappointed after all the effort I went to, lol.
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Old 08-07-2013, 04:15 AM
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but that is nothing compared to the scientists who grew a beef patty in a petri dish...
So excited about that; biochemistry and all things living body/meat/bone etc is my...uh *counts on fingers*...fourth love.
Fourth after drawing, writing and biomechanical/biomedical engineering.
Perhaps it's the science fiction nerd inside me calling out, but lab-grown meat is so fucking cool. It's so futuristic. Next stop hoverboards and cyborgs.

Actually, I think the sci fi nerd part has majority control over me; the other bits are the parts that would call out, them being the inside bits...yeah.
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Old 08-07-2013, 04:17 AM
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It's ok to look if they're lesbians...
Mike, the only thing it is to look if they're lesbians is about one hundred times more risky.
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Old 08-07-2013, 04:26 AM
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Depends how you look.

Most of the girls at pride virtually demanded that you look, and some were wearing very little.
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Old 08-07-2013, 05:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Front&Centre View Post
Actually, I think the sci fi nerd part has majority control over me; the other bits are the parts that would call out, them being the inside bits...yeah.
Lol.

Hey, wont be long before they're growing full sized humans in petri dishes. Though, they'd have to get bigger petri dishes...
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Old 08-07-2013, 05:48 AM
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Originally Posted by calligraphy View Post
Most of us women are here at home doing laundry, dinner, kids, house, doorbell, cell phone, nails, dogs, husband looking for socks, tv, another laptop/ipad, all the while writing a story about how Muriel is secretly stalking her next victim (go figure).
Calli, I lubs you.

This is me!! Although my female MC is Maya not Muriel, oh and don't forget the day job too.
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Old 08-07-2013, 06:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Redlorry View Post
Calli, I lubs you.

This is me!! Although my female MC is Maya not Muriel, oh and don't forget the day job too.

That's a given (the day job) and lubs ya too! We double timers gotta stick together . Every time I read another famous author who says, "Oh yes, well I never had time to actually "write" so to speak so I had to sneak little bits here and there..." It inspires me! lol
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