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Old 08-15-2015, 04:02 PM
Jolly (Offline)
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Default Script - Untitled


FADE IN:

EXT. BALCONY OF EXPENSIVE PENTHOUSE - NIGHT

JON DUNN, one of Hollywoodís top-tier action stars for almost 15 years, is standing on the balcony, his shirt open to catch the breeze, revealing his muscular torso. Jon sips a whisky from a crystal glass and is slightly swaying, eyes at half mast, clearly intoxicated. He brings the glass up to one eye.

DIRECT CUT TO:


EXT. MIAMI YACHT CLUB Ė NIGHT

We see a distorted view of Christmas lights decorating the ships docked at the Yacht Club.


DIRECT CUT TO:

EXT. BALCONY-NIGHT

Still holding the glass to his eye, Jon bobs his head, seemingly in time with the rising of the boats in the water.


LAURA (O.S.)
(voice belongs to young woman)
Are you concentrating down here at all?


Camera pans down to reveal Laura, a young, beautiful woman in a tight dress kneeling in front of Jon.


JON
(sighs as he does up his pants)
You gave it the old college try, but that right there is a prime example of whisky dick.


He reaches down to give her a hand up but is unable to keep steady. She bats it away and manages to get up on her own. Once standing, she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and adjusts her dress with the other.


LAURA
So the notorious Jon Dunn, Hollywoodís biggest stud, is really an old fart who canít get it up anymore.

TRACKING SHOT:

INT. LIVING ROOM OF THE PENTHOUSE - NIGHT

Jon walks unsteadily to a fully loaded bar and pours himself another drink. Laura follows him in.

JON
Unfortunately sometimes when I over-indulge in one passion (he gently shakes the glass), my other fails me.


LAURA
Thatís what they make Viagrra for.


JON
That would involve too much pre-planning. Look, youíre a beautiful woman, but obviously at the moment itís wasted on me. Why donít we call it a night? Are you staying here?


LAURA
Right, like they would put me up in a place like this. No, most of the crew is stuck in a Marriott.


JON
Sorry. Look, Iíll call you a driver. (He picks up a land-line phone) Tony, a young lady, Lori Ö


LAURA
(interrupts him)
Laura, asshole.



JON
(for the first time embarrassed)
Iím sorry. Laura, will be down shortly. Will you arrange to take her home Ö thanks, buddy.


Laura grabs her purse off a chair. Jon starts for the door to open it for her.


LAURA
(holds up one hand)
Donít bother. Iíve got it.

TRACKING SHOT:


She opens door and leaves. Jon goes to the bar, picks up a script and goes back out to the balcony and sits in one of the cushioned chairs. He starts to flip through the script when his cellphone rings. He checks to see who is calling. The name MERIDITH is on the phone screen.


JON
Hey.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Iíve heard theyíve delayed shooting for a few days.


JON
Someone fucked up the permits.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Youíre cursing. That means your drunk. It also means another two hours in the gym in the morning. That gives you the afternoon to look over the script for M4.


JON
Iíve got it right here in my impotent lap.

MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
What?


JON
Nothing. Bad joke. (pause) Now quit stalling with the exercise and concentrating on my work shit. I know why you really called. The Golden Globes, Mer.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
I know. He got lucky, Jon.


JON
When I found that son-of-a-bitch he was a god-dammed barista at Starbucks.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Heís a good kid. It was a great part.


JON
Whereíre my great parts?

MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
You know damn well you were too old for that roll.


JON
Mer, weíre not married anymore. Youíve lost your ball-breaking privileges.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
As your agent I still retain full privileges. Now, quit feeling sorry for yourself. Youíve done all right. Better than all right.


JON
Look, Iím not a total ass. I know most guys would give their left nut for the career Iíve had. Hell, both nuts. But, Iím sitting here reading Mayhem 4: London. Is there really a reason for anyone to see another Mayhem movie, no matter where the hell it is?


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
As long as there are 14-year-old boys, and men who think like 14-year-old boys, who are willing to fork over the $13 a pop to see you make mayhem, then yes. I for one, and your accountant for another, think thereíre millions of reasons.


JON
Were you always this much of a greedy bitch?


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Yes. So, what are you going to do? You know you donít do well when you have too much time on your hands.


JON
Too late. A make-up-artist. It didnít go well.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
(sighs)
Why donít you try something more constructive? If you donít like the scripts that are coming your way, write one yourself. The play you wrote in college was pretty damn good.


JON
Co-wrote.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Oh yes. The great college love. What was her name?


JON
Jenny.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Jenny. You say her name like she was Mother Theresa and Katie Holmes all rolled into one. Whatís she doing now?


JON
I havenít the foggiest.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Doesnít matter. You donít need her. After 20 years in the business, Iím sure you know enough to write a decent script. Go to bed, get up in the morning, keep the booze behind the bar and give it a go.


JON
Just like that?


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Why not?

JON
(agreeing)
Why not? Thanks. Love ya.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Love you, too. Now go to bed.


JON
K.

Jon turns off phone and puts it on the table next to him. He sits looking out at the boats in the water.


JON
(whispers)
Jenny


A smile comes to his face, and he picks up the script and looks at his lap.


JON
Where the hell were you 5 minutes ago?


FADE OUT:

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  #2  
Old 08-15-2015, 05:45 PM
wrc (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Jolly View Post
FADE IN:

(FADE IN)

EXT. BALCONY OF EXPENSIVE PENTHOUSE - NIGHT

JON DUNN, one of Hollywoodís top-tier action stars for almost 15 years, is standing on the balcony, his shirt open to catch the breeze, revealing his muscular torso. Jon sips a whisky from a crystal glass and is slightly swaying, eyes at half mast, clearly intoxicated. He brings the glass up to one eye.

DIRECT CUT TO:
(What's a DIRECT CUT? Do you mean CUT TO?)


EXT. MIAMI YACHT CLUB Ė NIGHT

We see a distorted view of Christmas lights decorating the ships docked at the Yacht Club.


DIRECT CUT TO:

EXT. BALCONY-NIGHT

Still holding the glass to his eye, Jon bobs his head, seemingly in time with the rising of the boats in the water.


LAURA (O.S.)
(voice belongs to young woman)
Are you concentrating down here at all?


Camera pans down to reveal Laura, a young, beautiful woman in a tight dress kneeling in front of Jon.


JON
(sighs as he does up his pants)
You gave it the old college try, but that right there is a prime example of whisky dick.


He reaches down to give her a hand up but is unable to keep steady. She bats it away and manages to get up on her own. Once standing, she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and adjusts her dress with the other.


LAURA
So the notorious Jon Dunn, Hollywoodís biggest stud, is really an old fart who canít get it up anymore.

TRACKING SHOT:

(a TRACKING SHOT belongs to a Dirctor, not the Screenwriter.)

INT. LIVING ROOM OF THE PENTHOUSE - NIGHT

Jon walks unsteadily to a fully loaded bar and pours himself another drink. Laura follows him in.

JON
Unfortunately sometimes when I over-indulge in one passion (he gently shakes the glass), my other fails me.


LAURA
Thatís what they make Viagrra for.


JON
That would involve too much pre-planning. Look, youíre a beautiful woman, but obviously at the moment itís wasted on me. Why donít we call it a night? Are you staying here?


LAURA
Right, like they would put me up in a place like this. No, most of the crew is stuck in a Marriott.


JON
Sorry. Look, Iíll call you a driver. (He picks up a land-line phone) Tony, a young lady, Lori Ö


LAURA
(interrupts him)
Laura, asshole.



JON
(for the first time embarrassed)
Iím sorry. Laura, will be down shortly. Will you arrange to take her home Ö thanks, buddy.


Laura grabs her purse off a chair. Jon starts for the door to open it for her.


LAURA
(holds up one hand)
Donít bother. Iíve got it.

TRACKING SHOT:


She opens door and leaves. Jon goes to the bar, picks up a script and goes back out to the balcony and sits in one of the cushioned chairs. He starts to flip through the script when his cellphone rings. He checks to see who is calling. The name MERIDITH is on the phone screen.


JON
Hey.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Iíve heard theyíve delayed shooting for a few days.


JON
Someone fucked up the permits.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Youíre cursing. That means your drunk. It also means another two hours in the gym in the morning. That gives you the afternoon to look over the script for M4.


JON
Iíve got it right here in my impotent lap.

MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
What?


JON
Nothing. Bad joke. (pause) Now quit stalling with the exercise and concentrating on my work shit. I know why you really called. The Golden Globes, Mer.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
I know. He got lucky, Jon.


JON
When I found that son-of-a-bitch he was a god-dammed barista at Starbucks.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Heís a good kid. It was a great part.


JON
Whereíre my great parts?

MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
You know damn well you were too old for that roll.


JON
Mer, weíre not married anymore. Youíve lost your ball-breaking privileges.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
As your agent I still retain full privileges. Now, quit feeling sorry for yourself. Youíve done all right. Better than all right.


JON
Look, Iím not a total ass. I know most guys would give their left nut for the career Iíve had. Hell, both nuts. But, Iím sitting here reading Mayhem 4: London. Is there really a reason for anyone to see another Mayhem movie, no matter where the hell it is?


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
As long as there are 14-year-old boys, and men who think like 14-year-old boys, who are willing to fork over the $13 a pop to see you make mayhem, then yes. I for one, and your accountant for another, think thereíre millions of reasons.


JON
Were you always this much of a greedy bitch?


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Yes. So, what are you going to do? You know you donít do well when you have too much time on your hands.


JON
Too late. A make-up-artist. It didnít go well.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
(sighs)
Why donít you try something more constructive? If you donít like the scripts that are coming your way, write one yourself. The play you wrote in college was pretty damn good.


JON
Co-wrote.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Oh yes. The great college love. What was her name?


JON
Jenny.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Jenny. You say her name like she was Mother Theresa and Katie Holmes all rolled into one. Whatís she doing now?


JON
I havenít the foggiest.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Doesnít matter. You donít need her. After 20 years in the business, Iím sure you know enough to write a decent script. Go to bed, get up in the morning, keep the booze behind the bar and give it a go.


JON
Just like that?


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Why not?

JON
(agreeing)
Why not? Thanks. Love ya.


MERIDITHíS VOICE (ON PHONE)
Love you, too. Now go to bed.


JON
K.

Jon turns off phone and puts it on the table next to him. He sits looking out at the boats in the water.


JON
(whispers)
Jenny


A smile comes to his face, and he picks up the script and looks at his lap.


JON
Where the hell were you 5 minutes ago?


FADE OUT:


(I gave up sharing Screenplays on this site because the software murders the the traditional layout. I'm still waiting to find out if html and/or pdf will work on the site.

I can see you tried to get the format to work. It didn't. As you know, the dialogue is a column running down the middle of he page, with char. names centered above it.

Your dialogue was good in that each line came off the preceeding line which makes it seem natural.

On the phone don't call for OS. Call for (FILTERED) behind the speaker's name.

Due to the power of the DGA the current style is not to use transitional cues such as: CUT TO or DISSOLVE TO .

You master scene lines where ok.

I'm used to having a script which I can mark up. This is really hard to this way.

Most or the sites on the net which deal with the layout want html or pdf. I think both work.

I don't think I've been much help. But I have a suggestion: try writing a few pages where you tell the story without directorial cues. It makes a cleaner storytelling experience. And the reader doesn't need to be a movie makiing insider to read it. In a way, I'm suggesting using a playwrights POV in telling your story. But don't use the layout for theater for movies.

Keep writing.

Have a nice writing day.)
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  #3  
Old 08-15-2015, 11:14 PM
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I liked this. I don't know as much as old guy^ about script formatting, but I don't think it mattered much--I had no trouble following the dialogue, seeing the scene in my head or getting the jokes. I thought it was funny, and sweet in a drunken, clumsy kind of way (on the part of the MC, not the author), and I would probably keep watching (or reading) to see where you're taking me with this.

There were a couple things that bugged me. Jon is awfully smooth and erudite for being past-tipsy drunk. He doesn't seem to make any slips of the tongue and he uses long statements like "That would involve too much pre-planning. Look, youíre a beautiful woman, but obviously at the moment itís wasted on me." It just doesn't read like he's drunk to me. But I think the action and events and most of the content of the dialogue were well-executed.
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  #4  
Old 08-16-2015, 06:14 AM
Jolly (Offline)
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Old Guy - If I post more of this, I will follow your advice. I had it in this format and didn't want to bother changing it.

Uncephalized - You're absolutely right about Jon's dialogue. I'll have to play with it some to find a good balance - make him a little less drunk and have him ramble a little more.

Thank you both for the read.
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  #5  
Old 08-24-2015, 10:32 AM
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I read this the other day, but didn't get a chance to comment.

I really liked it. It held my interest all the way through and it was entertaining. The only thing is I wish there were more. It definitely had me wanting to know where things are going next.
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  #6  
Old 08-29-2016, 05:56 AM
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I like it


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