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Genes Frequency and You

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  #1  
Old 09-18-2016, 04:09 PM
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Default Genes Frequency and You


<Please note scientific work should also be consulted as this work is part fancy, some people might also find this post a bit Social Darwinistic>

Bornean Orangutans in zoos are fat. Supposedly the reason behind this is Borneo has a temperate environment and therefore the conditions are not always suitable for the orangutans. An evolutionary response to this is to have "thrifty" genes and therefore any fat found within their environment goes straight to their hips... err face. So in the wild these critters are lean and mean, but in the zoo, where they have a much more stable supply of food, they get fat. Thus, the genes within a higher frequency of the Bornean Orangutans are more frequently genes concerned with physiological functions (due to their less stable environment).

Sumatran Orangutans in zoos are not as fat. Supposedly the reason behind this is Sumatra has a relatively more stable environment w.r.t. the Sumatran Orangutan's niche. An evolutionary response to this is for the genes to relax a bit more with regards to physiological functions and are more concerned with neurological and reproductive functions. Apparently the Sumatran Orangutans are relatively more intelligent w.r.t. their Bornean counterparts.

In zoos [citation required] the Bornean Orangutans are the bigger bullies when they are younger and they do not have many health difficulties. The Sumatran Orangutans are the nerdy ones carrying around a puffer and getting bullied. The Bornean ones play a bit of football and get to root all of the cheerleader Orangutans, while the Sumatran ones, if given a chance, would be the ones to impregnate them (leading to a massive number of Sumatran Orangutans to Bornean Orangutans). When older, the Bornean Orangutans turn fat, but they are the Orangutan type already at the top of the food chain, due to their ability to bully the Sumatran ones when younger. These fat, dumb Bornean Orangutans make fat and dumb decisions that affect all the Orangutans in the zoo enclosure, yet the Sumatran Orangutans, the larger population number, are the ones that bear the burden of these decisions. Then the fat Bornean Orangutans state dumb shit like, "well you guys elected us, so it is your fault that the our war on the Bonobos has led to Bonobo ass-rapers coming into our enclosure and... well... ass raping you".

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If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas
-George Bernard Shaw

Last edited by PickleBottom; 09-18-2016 at 04:19 PM..
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Old 09-18-2016, 04:59 PM
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That explains why Assholes rule the planet.
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Old 09-18-2016, 05:28 PM
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Then the Sumatran Orangutans noted one day, "Hey, how come you guys get the lion's share of bananas and we do not get as much, it is not like you need it" <noting their obese facial cheek flaps>

The Bornean Orangutans counter with, "We worked very hard through bullying, monopolising, tax evasion, and other associated cunt-driven behaviour, if you worked as hard as we did you will also have the same amount of bananas!"

But the Sumatran Orangutans were smarter, "It is a zero-sum game, the zoo-keeper only throws in a finite number of bananas so we could not possibly get as many bananas as you do"

The Bornean Orangutans deflect the blame, "It is those fucking refugee De Brazza monkeys, those fuckers are stealing your bananas, but you can do something, vote Dump"

Dump was this morbidly obese, wretched orangutan, who for fun would pull the tails off ring-tailed lemurs. He was usually found in the shadows of the enclosure, and rumour had it that, although Orangutans were frugivorous, Dump ate Orangutan meat.

The Sumatran Orangutans protested, "But Dump is 150,000,000 times worse then 150,000,000 De Brazza monkeys"

The Bornean Orangutans could not argue against this sound logic, so in the middle of the night the most vocal of the Sumatran Orangutans were bagged and taken to an underground reptile facility and were fed to the 'gators. The next day the same discussion was held. The Bornean Orangutans started the philosophical discussion with, "Vote Dump, Dump is good, Dump build a wall to keep out De Brazza monkeys"

Although this was a well thought out argument from the limited mental capacity of the Bornean Orangutan, the Sumatran Orangutans were not buying this, so they countered with, "But the easiest way to solve the problem will be to remove the tick problem affecting the De Brazza monkey's enclosure, that you guys put there in the first place, remember? In the mean time allow them to have access to the under-utilised tyre swing"

Once again, the Bornean Orangutans could not argue with this, the logic was water tight, it was a fair and reasonable proposal, and made solid sense. Also, if any future tick infestation were to close down the Orangutan enclosure the De Brazza monkeys would be more likely to return the favour.

So in the middle of the night a posse Bornean Orangutans took the most vocal of Sumatran Orangutans to the reptile enclosure, never to be heard of again.

The next day the same discussion was held. The Bornean Orangutans started the philosophical discussion with, "Vote Dump, Dump is good, Dump build a wall to keep out De Brazza monkeys"

The Sumatran Orangutans looked at each other and shuddered under the ill-thought out and in-primatane response to a very easy issue to resolve (one that could be resolved by a mentally retarded 3 month old gerbil which has been recently lobotomised). One Sumatran Orangutan, George, stands up and says, "Uh guys, this is not the right thing to do", and once again gives a very clear logic on what ought be done. Needless to say George made a fine risotto for an alligator that evening.

Under the weight of the Bornean Orangutans "logic" the Sumatran Orangutans conceded. Dump was voted in and he built his wall, and every third day for pleasure Dump pickled a Sumatran Orangutan. The Sumatran Orangutans could not say anything against this, they did after all, vote for Dump in a democratic process.
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If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas
-George Bernard Shaw

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  #4  
Old 09-18-2016, 07:26 PM
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On the Campaign Trail - events leading to the election of Dump

"The ticks are everywhere" screeched an hysterical Bornean Orangutan, "just now they have infected Aidan the Orangutan"

This worked in Dump's favour, as his campaign was based on a primitive fear campaign. The first fear campaign was created by a semi-intelligent Macaque when he found that hitting a monkey and scaring a monkey was equal in creating submission. Rather than outright bully the monkey into submission, fear does the same thing. He published his findings in the respected business journal, "how to rape other primates without using your dick". Dump was immediately attracted to the findings.

In opposition to Dump was another Bornean Orangutan called Hinton, she was the first ever female candidate, chosen on the back of her predecessor who was the first ever yellow-eyebrowed Orangutan. This opposition party was using a political strategy to use token candidates on pretence they represent the power-minority. Their next candidate was going to be a disabled Orangutan. This political strategy was put together by a half-witted black langur, who demonstrated this works on a social tree called Tumblr, and published his findings in the respected political journal, "pretend like you give a fuck and the <primates> will vote for you*". Hinton was going to use this strategy to maintain the status quo.

To be continued...

*this monkey talk might get me into trouble, to clarify I do not use "monkey" in this sentence in a "racial" sense, perhaps I should use "primate", but I like this term, as it has the monkey-see monkey-do connotation.

Edited to add - I changed the term, I would like this piece to be amusing, but not that kind of amusing...
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If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas
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Last edited by PickleBottom; 09-18-2016 at 07:35 PM..
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Old 09-18-2016, 07:49 PM
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Announcer - Live at the shit-flinging debate tonight we have Hinton representing the "socially" and "democratic" party <the crowd laughs raucously at this> against the conservati... <announcer laughs>, the cons... <announcer bursts in a fit of giggles> <he wipes the tears from his eyes> the conservative candidate, Dump! <the crowd burst into chest slapping and calling>

Announcer - Hinton you're on first

Hinton <pops the remainder of 72 tonnes of banana squashed into an easy eating 5 ounce bar into her mouth before stating> "My fellow orangutans! Under my leadership every one of you will get as many bananas as the rest of us!"
<half the crowd cheers, the other half jeers>

Announcer - Dump, what do you have to say in response?

Dump <Dump puts his hand under his arm and then squeezes down on the hand with his arm, generating a 100 decibel vibrating sound resembling a fart> <half the crowd screams in an orgy of hoot calling, while the other half jeer> My fellow orangutans! Nowadays I cannot walk three steps without being infected by ticks! Ticks brought in by the De Brazza monkeys! Each and everyone of you will be infected unless I build a wall to keep the De Brazza monkeys out!
<half the crowd cheers, the other half jeers>
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If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas
-George Bernard Shaw

Last edited by PickleBottom; 09-18-2016 at 07:52 PM..
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Old 09-18-2016, 07:49 PM
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"How to rape other primates without using your dick." LOL.

You have me on the edge of my seat. Literally, I'm keeping my butthole covered.


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Old 09-18-2016, 11:05 PM
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Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail

At precisely 3.00PM, Wednesday the 12th of the month, and a strange tic was heard on Fred the Orangutan, he did not think much of it until a canister released several ticks down his back. Fred started scratching like a maniac but could not do anything to stop the parasites from spreading from his head-hair to his nut sac.

He raced to his doctor, a chimpanzee, who stated he could just do what they, the higher intelligent ape, does when inflicted by parasites. They form a small circle with each plucking the parasites off the back of the chimpanzee in front of them. But chimpanzees could get away with this as they lived in an altruistic and caring society.

In Bornean Orangutan societies the male sociopaths live far away from each other, and once one is within calling distance of the other, they grunt, snarl and cause mischief to each other until one retreats back into the cover of its former territory. There was no way Fred could rely on his fellow sociopathic Bornean Orangutans to help him. Fred was doomed.

Exactly 15 minutes later and Fred’s predicament became public knowledge. But 14 minutes and 59 seconds earlier, when Dump “found out”, Dump began Operation Vote For Me. That was how 14 minutes and 59 seconds later the public found out. Dump published pictures of Fred furiously scratching his nut sac on his Twitter account under his campaign slogan, “Let’s Make The Zoo Great Again”.

Paranoia spread. Orangutans were scratching their nuts even though they were not inflicted, just in case one of those tick fuckers jumped onto their follicles. Ticks were seen under every tyre-swing and blanket. Fear spread.

The Orangutans were being bullied, and they did not even know it. They were being submissive because they were scared.
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If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas
-George Bernard Shaw

Last edited by PickleBottom; 09-18-2016 at 11:25 PM.. Reason: Whoops, I accidentally typed "Trump" instead of "Dump" even though the two characters are not related...
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Old 09-18-2016, 11:13 PM
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On the Campaign Trail - Brief Intellectual respite

A group of Sumatran Orangutans were watching Bob the Bornean Orangutan lower his nut-sac into a pool of calamine lotion, and asked Bob quite innocently, "What the fuck are you doing Bob?"

Bob was hysterical, "The ticks! The ticks! They're everywhere!"

The Sumatran Orangutan majority said, "No check it out Bob, here is some absolute 100% bona fide proof to show that this is not the case". The Sumatran Orangutans open up a Google window on a laptop and to Bob's amazement they typed in something-other-than-Stormfront into the URL address (Bob did not know this was possible). Up popped some rational articles on ticks, their NRR, etc. But if Bob accepted this article he would look like a dickhead, for lowering his nuts into calamine lotion. Bob refused to accept this data.
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-George Bernard Shaw
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Old 09-19-2016, 03:26 PM
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There was still a vestige of hope for the Sumatran Orangutans, a Bornean Orangutan, Pierre, had recently arrived from a French zoo and he was going to speak on the issue.

The French zoo was old and had seen every kind of parasite load, Pierre was speaking from the wisdom of the ages.

Pierre takes the podium and in a deep French accent states, "we shall ban any De Brazza monkey having a yellowish tinge to their forehead from playing in our waterhole"

The De Brazza monkeys are sexual dimorphic and the females have a yellowish tinge to their forehead [citation required].

The Sumatran Orangutans were confused, this "solution" was completely independent of the problem and completely independent of any kind of logical thought. Then they looked at the Bornean Orangutans who were blinking as if seeing the sun for the first time after coming from the shade. A Sumatran Orangutan whispered, "I get it! Pierre is presenting the Bornean Orangutans with a solution so stupendously stupid that in rejecting it they will have to reject their own course of action, is Pierre a genius?"

That question was answered three seconds later when a momentous cheer went up from the Bornean Orangutans, and Pierre went to gather some paper to write up the sign - "no yellowish-tinged forehead individuals to play in waterhole"

<facepalm>
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Old 09-19-2016, 03:37 PM
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Dump wanted to take the banning of De Brazza monkey appearance and behaviour further and decided the best course of action was to empower Orangutans to be his eyes and ears. This involved citizen Orangutans hooting whenever they saw any suspicious-looking, perhaps tick-infested De Brazza monkey. The Orangutans found it easier to hoot at every De Brazza monkey.

Adolf, a German Bornean Orangutan, whispered in Dump's ear one night that although hooting was good, it would be better to be able to prosecute the "suspicious looking" De Brazza monkeys. With this in mind Dump set up an "independent" committee called the "committee on De Brazza monkey relationships" and gave this benign-sounding group the ability to prosecute De Brazza monkeys exhibiting De Brazza monkey behaviours.

Twelve minutes later the committee was given the power to also prosecute Orangutans who sympathised with De Brazza monkeys with dissent and a key to the reptile enclosure.

Seventy Two hours later after three nights of terror Dump was given universal power.
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Old 09-19-2016, 03:38 PM
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Epilogue

Dump sat high on his throne, a Sumatran Orangutan roasting in front of him. He breathed in the smoke from the fire and declared he found the aroma pleasing.

The End
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Old 09-19-2016, 03:43 PM
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I'm still holding out hope for a solution the rear it's lovely head. I'm sending a $50 check to the Occupy Sumatran Orangutan Organization. Once I put the envelope in the mail I'll feel better and can get back to this caramel macchiato with extra whip.


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Old 09-19-2016, 03:51 PM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
I'm still holding out hope for a solution the rear it's lovely head. I'm sending a $50 check to the Occupy Sumatran Orangutan Organization. Once I put the envelope in the mail I'll feel better and can get back to this caramel macchiato with extra whip.


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Well that answer is easy, after a war that costs millions of lives, the surviving Bornean and Sumatran Orangutans will look back on the preceding events and the Bornean Orangutans will state, "let's ban the slogan, 'let's make the zoo great again'"
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Old 09-19-2016, 04:10 PM
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Originally Posted by PickleBottom View Post
Well that answer is easy, after a war that costs millions of lives, the surviving Bornean and Sumatran Orangutans will look back on the preceding events and the Bornean Orangutans will state, "let's ban the slogan, 'let's make the zoo great again'"


So... your advice is to buy stock in companies that manufacture weapons and security hardware? Yes, that's good.


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Old 09-19-2016, 05:58 PM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
So... your advice is to buy stock in companies that manufacture weapons and security hardware? Yes, that's good.


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This is currently speculative fiction and purely about non-human primates (heh heh heh), but in case the world trends towards any of this speculative fiction, for example, the creation of a benign-sounding committee with the ability to prosecute, then the writing is on the wall with regards to leadership (no one will have any choice), so I would recommend buying stock in the short term in stuff that "they" are interested in, for example, dead Cambodian children sandwiches, pickled Sumatran Orangutans etc, then if it ever gets to the stage where enough other countries are disillusioned then I would recommend buying stock in weapon manufacture.
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Old 09-26-2016, 06:13 AM
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You missed the opportunity to combine fear and loathing with stoned ape theory.....


"It was somewhere around the 12th of November when the mushrooms began to take hold...."
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Old 09-26-2016, 04:19 PM
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Originally Posted by NuNu View Post
You missed the opportunity to combine fear and loathing with stoned ape theory.....


"It was somewhere around the 12th of November when the mushrooms began to take hold...."
Giant fruit bats?
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Old 09-26-2016, 04:38 PM
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No point mentioning those bats, I thought. The poor bastard would see them soon enough.


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