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it's in the blood, flash, 340 words

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  #1  
Old 11-27-2016, 10:31 AM
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Default it's in the blood, flash, 340 words


It’s all in the blood

I tasted her blood and I knew the time was right. I waited four days after I decided to commit to Ruth. I questioned my state of mind, and my motives for the choice I was making. I contemplated her offer in great depths as she told me to. But in the end there was only one choice. Today I will stop being the wimp, the victim I have been all my life. Today, in just a few hours, I will become something new – an alpha predator – NO - THE ALPHA PREDATOR. I waited for tonight because Mark and Frank they will be on duty.


She tells me I will be very hungry as soon as I am turned. I feel the smile growing on my face as the thoughts of the feast become more and more real and have a definite time to start. It’s not really like the movies I won’t lie in state for three days for the change to take place. The act of changing a person into a vampire is easy but both parties have to participate. One cannot be changed into a vampire against ones will. The after party is very messy from what I’m told. She doesn’t remember her turning to well. It’s been four hundred years. The fact is she is just lonely. Once I am turned we will be the only two vampires on the Earth.

Her blood will take away the influence of the drugs very shortly and I will participate in my own death and birth at the same time; soon after I will take care of Mark and Frank. I will enjoy killing them. They are the keepers here at this insane asylum and they’re also going to be my first meal as a vampire. I really hate them and I intend to make their last hours very painful.

I’m very sure they will believe in vampires before we kill them.

“Are you ready to begin?”

“Yes dear.”






Max Crash

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Old 11-27-2016, 11:40 AM
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It's not a matter of good or bad writing, it's that you're using the writing techniques we all learn in school, coupled with your verbal storytelling skills. And while they work for reports and other nonfiction applications, our schooling was to prepare us to hold a job and be useful to our employers, not write fiction professionally. For that we need to add some of the techniques the pros take for granted. That's not all that hard to do. The library's fiction-writing section is filled with books on the subject, many of them from award winning writers and teachers. I don't know about you, but I find that a little knowledge is a great substitute for genius. As Hemingway said, “It’s none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way.”

Hang in there, and keep on writing.
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Old 11-27-2016, 12:08 PM
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ok how else would you approach a bit of fluff such as this bit.

it's simply the mental ravings of a madman or maybe not

I can't have a conversation to bring out the information, there is only the thoughts going on in the mind.

anything else and I lose the impact of the last conversation.

and I never liked hemingway


Steven King is much more my cup of tea


so what are you getting at in critique of this writing.


oh and I am also confrontational, I need to know why you feel the way you do and not just a meaning less quote that can be taken many ways


I do thank you for the critique - it's more than I usually get.


max
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Old 11-27-2016, 12:38 PM
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The anger is more than wasted. If you find a thousand things wrong with me, and my writing, the story will still have the problems it does now. Why not put your effort into fixing them? The last guy who got pissed off at me ended up mentioning me on the dedication page of the book he sold as a result of our interaction. I wish you the same success.
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Old 11-27-2016, 12:51 PM
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i'm sorry if I came across angry - i'm not - but even in your second reply you didn't say what you thought was wrong with the story, I can't fix something when I see nothing wrong with it, so please elaborate.

i'm also going to bump a part of a story up called "Fur Run" it's in members only, it has a lot more conversation in it, I am posting it as is but have since edited out the I saids and she saids.

don't go nuts on me - if we don't tell each other what we think then none of us are going to learn a damn thing.

max
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Last edited by max crash; 11-27-2016 at 12:54 PM..
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Old 12-05-2016, 12:06 PM
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Default Its in the blood

I liked it. I didn't feel much emotion until toward the end then it came bounding in and I wanted more. I don't see him as a madman just someone looking for something -- whatever that something is. Do more, please. miki
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