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The Breath You Take - Part 1

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  #31  
Old 02-28-2008, 04:20 AM
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This is quality, Queen. What a great concept. I love fiction about future totalitarian societies, being the pessimist that I am, and doing it in the style of a journal seems like a great idea. I don't think anyones done that before, have they?

Nothing to critique. This is just a great piece and I look forward to reading the 2nd part.

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Old 02-29-2008, 02:57 AM
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Originally Posted by adrianhayter View Post
They're fine. I just don't appreciate it when they spend the whole night out dancing.

Adrian
Oh, yeah. Love that image.

Originally Posted by puresnow View Post

Dewy, sounds like a bloke? Hmm. Maybe. Supposed to be a corruption of Deu, the French for two. I'll think about that.

Dewy made me think of Dewi Sukarno, the third wife of the late President Sukarno of Indonesia. She was 19, an art student and entertainer when the then president was on a state visit to Japan saw her.

I gather Dewi is a Japanese name. Dewi is quite a international socialite. One of the most controversial news was her throwing a wine glass at another socialite causing a gash requiring thirty seven stitches at a party in USA. Dewi was jailed for that.

Puresnow
Thanks for the comments, Puresnow. Glad the name Dewy didn't seem totally odd to someone.

Originally Posted by Oasis Writer View Post
....Ohhhhhhhh.

lol - Now I feel like an idiot.

Anyways, I really was impressed, and I hope you get more time to write. I'll be looking forward to finding more from you.
You're not an idiot, and it was a valid question. I'll try to get some writing done soon. I have plenty of ideas; time is my enemy.

Originally Posted by Cuchulain View Post
This is quality, Queen. What a great concept. I love fiction about future totalitarian societies, being the pessimist that I am, and doing it in the style of a journal seems like a great idea. I don't think anyones done that before, have they?

Nothing to critique. This is just a great piece and I look forward to reading the 2nd part.
Gosh! *blush, blush* thank you, Cuchulain. Have you read The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. Brilliant and not too unimaginable. It certainly gives us all something to think about.
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Old 02-29-2008, 04:52 AM
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Gosh! *blush, blush* thank you, Cuchulain. Have you read The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. Brilliant and not too unimaginable. It certainly gives us all something to think about.
Seems like an interesting book. I will put it on my reading list.
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Old 02-29-2008, 08:13 AM
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Icon6 "The Breath you take"

Oh my! This is very a la Issac Asimov... I like it, yet I do think you could use a bit more excitement in the writing of the journal. When you write a journal you really let yourself go, even if such journal is outlaw (I think it would be even more passionate, a little less robotic... unless that was your intent, maybe?)
Very good story, I would love to read the rest of it... and yes, I would agree that your tenses are a little screwy, but it can be forgiven because of the fact that it is a personal journal style... Good work.
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Old 02-29-2008, 08:32 AM
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Thanks for the comments, Yuvia. And, yes, the unemotional feel is intentional. These young people have been raised without parents or families, so have not been exposed to emotional attachments. Also, excitement leads to breathing faster and harder, not exactly encouraged in a society that is short (supposedly) on air.

I expect I would need to write a lot more in order to get all the ideas across clearly, but I'm still not one-hundred percent convinced I want to do that. But all these comments are helpful because at least I know where I'm going wrong.
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