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The Breath You Take - Part 2

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Old 11-29-2007, 12:25 AM
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Default The Breath You Take - Part 2


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Old 11-29-2007, 08:08 AM
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Not the ending I was expecting and it's so much better for that.

Disturbing, chilling; it made me shudder. Very well done! I think you should definitely probe the publishing market with this.

(You forgot to italicize the book titles in the first paragraph. Just thought you might like to know.)
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Old 11-29-2007, 10:32 AM
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Thank you, Iccy! I'm glad you liked the ending. I wanted it to seem obvious, and then come as a bit of a surprise.

About the book titles, in the Word doc, I have them in small caps. I avoided more italics because I used them for unspoken dialogue.

Publishing, well this has been published, although like Voices, it wasn't as polished as this at the time. Hmm. Not sure what that says about the magasine. Anyway, maybe I'll see if I can sell it again (second British Serial Rights, or even First North American Serial Rights?). Problem, as always, is finding a suitable market.
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Old 11-29-2007, 10:51 AM
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About the book titles, in the Word doc, I have them in small caps. I avoided more italics because I used them for unspoken dialogue.
Ah, I see. I just remember noticing that you used italics in Part 1. I think....

Anyway, maybe I'll see if I can sell it again (second British Serial Rights, or even First North American Serial Rights?). Problem, as always, is finding a suitable market.
Go for North American, I say! Whatever you do, good luck with it.
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Old 11-29-2007, 02:27 PM
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Thought provoking and chilling. We are so easily led, like lambs to the slaughter, out of fear or worship or brainwashing we allow others to think for us. We become afraid to buck the "big guys" and then we wonder how it happens when little by little we are controlled and diminished. Thank god there are those who are brave and ardent that are willing to risk everything to help maintain our individuality and freedoms. Your story touches on many planes. I liked it all, but particularly the 7th Entry 2nd paragraph. Very well done, poignant, Memory. The power of spoken words.
There were two places that I noticed that needs to be corrected. 6th entry
14th paragraph 4th sentence * his gaze traveled THE down the length* Also, this may be only my opinion, but in the 6th entry you say
*Who cares?* Is this meant to be only a statement, or a real question? The question mark threw me out when I read it.

Bravo, very good.
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Old 11-29-2007, 02:39 PM
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Thank you, Skhull. I've deleted 'the' and changed the question mark to a full stop. You're right, it's an observation, not a question. And to think I read this three times (seriously) before hitting 'submit reply'. Aargh.

I'm pleased you liked this. I wrote EBYT a few years ago, but it resonates with me still, not least because I am so seriously faffed off with our government right now. Just recently, they 'lost' 25 million Child Benefit records containing the names of children, parents, addresses, dates of birth and bank account details. And this from a government that wants to have a central database for all children's records, and national identity cards. Crikey, they can't manage to wipe their own arses. Grrr.
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Old 11-30-2007, 11:42 AM
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Oh that is so sad! Poor Aimy!
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Old 12-01-2007, 12:25 PM
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Yes, it is, but that's where the impact lies. Thanks for reading, Kaylaface!
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Old 12-02-2007, 11:04 AM
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This is great! I like the journal/diary style writing, and two of my stories are based solely around such a style.
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Old 12-02-2007, 01:33 PM
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Thank you, LT. Glad you enjoyed it.

I used the journal format because I needed Aimy to present her hidden thoughts, those things she could not express openly, rather like Winston Smith keeping his journal in 1984. It also allowed me to change the POV at the end without sending up flares.

It's not a gimmick I would use too often, but it can be very effective, as you are no doubt aware, since you say you have used it yourself.
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Old 12-05-2007, 11:55 PM
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1984
That is the first thing that comes to mind.
And the second thing that comes to mind

While I can see that it is an extension of today it shares many ground ideas with Orwell’s work, though maybe not as bad as 1984 yet, the living conditions appear to be better, and I could not see any war or Proles. It is still a sad state of affairs. And poor Aimy, dying because her friend went missing (from her PoV).

Good read, both parts went by way to quickly.


Edit: just read the comments on part two, though the world mirrors 1984 more then just the diary format.
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Old 12-06-2007, 02:27 AM
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Thanks for the comments, Tau. Curiously, when this was published, it was likened to The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. I can see similarities to both, but I can see differences, too. But I would have to expand the story to novel length in order to show them.
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Old 12-06-2007, 03:41 PM
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Good point, the becoming a wife to a leader bears some similarity, though your world is still more Orwellian then Atwoodian, a cross of the two with a heavy flavouring of Needhamian writing.
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Old 12-08-2007, 08:23 AM
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Wow, wow and wow again! A dark picture beautifully painted.
Had the reel not ended I would still be glued to it.
Bravo!
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Old 12-08-2007, 09:26 AM
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Queen,

Woah, I am shaking. That was so good! I wasn't even expecting it. I had to re read the last entry to understand, and to commit the event to memory. Great story!!!

Yours,
SmartyPants
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Old 12-08-2007, 04:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Tau Worlock View Post
Good point, the becoming a wife to a leader bears some similarity, though your world is still more Orwellian then Atwoodian, a cross of the two with a heavy flavouring of Needhamian writing.
Oi you! Just what are you sayin', 'ey,mate? You better not be tryin' to call me an intellectual or anythin' 'cos I ain't havin' it. all right? (Sorry, just wanted to throw in some Norf Lohndon Neehamian!) LOL
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Old 12-08-2007, 04:56 PM
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Thank you, Hotrock and Mam'selle. Nice to see you around here again, Smarty.
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Old 12-09-2007, 05:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Queen of Wands View Post
Oi you! Just what are you sayin', 'ey,mate? You better not be tryin' to call me an intellectual or anythin' 'cos I ain't havin' it. all right? (Sorry, just wanted to throw in some Norf Lohndon Neehamian!) LOL
Who are you and what did you do with the real QoW?

I believe I was paying your writing style a compliment, as far as I can figure out.
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Old 12-09-2007, 08:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Tau Worlock View Post
Who are you and what did you do with the real QoW?

I believe I was paying your writing style a compliment, as far as I can figure out.
Sorry, Tau! I was just giving you a flavour of Needhamian. I don't think that's my style at all. I don't know what I would call it, if I had to call it something, but I wouldn't choose Needhamian. Maybe Stravaigish. I like the word stravaig. Its from Scots and means to wander aimlessly, which suits me, I think. In any case, I'm glad you enjoy it!
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Old 01-11-2008, 06:59 AM
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I really enjoyed part one and two QW, nice break from OU TMA.
Original idea and the ending was so unexpected - big thumbs up!
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Old 01-12-2008, 01:47 PM
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QW, I just read Part 1 and 2 in quick succession, and I thought this was a wonderful story. As always, it flowed well, kept the reader interested and finished with a bang.

I would love to see it expanded, perhaps showing the life higher up in the hierarchy, via Dewy's point of view?

Thank you for sharing. =)
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Old 01-12-2008, 04:17 PM
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It's something I have considered doing, but I'm still not quite sure how I would go about it. I think I might like Dewy to continue the story in the journal format, but I am also toying with the idea of switching to third person POV. That would be easier to write, besides which, I think the journal format would grow tiresome if it went on too long. And then there's the option of each chapter being written from the POV of a different character. Hmm.

In any event, thank you for your kind comments. Always appreciated.
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Old 01-13-2008, 01:22 AM
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More please QW...
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Old 01-13-2008, 04:25 AM
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Handing it to the vendor, I saw it was the same young man as before. This time, when he returned my debit card, he pressed a folded piece of paper into my hand. >>> Back in my cube I read the note: Tonight, the edge of the market, under the trees. Please come.

Of course I would go, but first I had another appointment to keep, one I couldnt break, one with the Councillor. I lied. I told him I saw nothing. His face gave no indication whether he believed me or not. Ill know soon enough.
The story abruptly moved with rapid pace after the red arrows. The MC was walking, counting the posters, then she went to the ink stall, picked up Scarlet and handed it over to the vendor. The vendor then pressed a note into her hand... Then she's suddenly back at the cube!

I suggest at least with one sentence, have her run across the market back to the cube in excitement, saying what she felt like along the way. A gloomy theme is prevalent in part 1 and 2 -- a healthy paragraph about the encounter with the vendor (the second time inside the stall) would make a good distraction.

Adding to the above, the second paragraph seems rushed. I loved the Councillor part in the Sixth entry and looked forward to another encounter.

Other than that, I completely love the story so far. I demand more.
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Old 01-13-2008, 04:50 AM
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Thanks, boss! I'll try to work something in to ease the transition as suggested. It is a bit too sudden, as you say.
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Old 01-13-2008, 04:54 AM
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I see, I was unaware that a part of London was called that, or how they spoke.

So Stravaigish it is.

I have to echo the others, more would be appreciated.
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