WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.


The Raven (Re-write) Chapter 1 The Start Of Something Special Part 1

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 05-01-2009, 06:43 AM
Bebe90's Avatar
Bebe90 (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 124
Thanks: 2
Thanks 5
Default The Raven (Re-write) Chapter 1 The Start Of Something Special Part 1


Chapter 1 The Start Of Something Special Part 1

The coachman and I had journeyed silently all day. We were on our way to the town of Brunn am Gebirge. We arrived at that little parish when their last priest sadly passed away expectantly. I'd taken leave a few months prier, due to a severe illness, that was the first time I’d ever been relocated. Austria wasnt a bad place to start, although, i kept expecting a little man in a funny hat and lederhosen to pop out of the bushes.
The moderate-sized town was curiously empty. It stood on the borders of civilization, it also stood astride a river and all of its buildings were essentially made of wood, a real old town village.
The carriage halted with a jerk. I stepped outside and dropped my baggage to the ground, to take a view of my unfamiliar surroundings. There stood a brilliant cottage, with a beautiful garden replenished with rose bushes, which would be my own for however long I wished to stay. In that house, the silhouettes twisted themselves into beings, the spirits came out to play, and they always smiled. They were never sad. Before I got the chance to look at more of the lavishness, a man appeared from nowhere and drew me aside with a firm grip.

"Ah! You must be our new priest. Reverend Woodrow, isn’t it?"

I stumbled over my suitcases, almost falling to the ground.

"Oh ... yes, I am, please, call me Christophe. May I ask who you are?"

With glasses perched on the bridge of his nose, and graying hair, this elderly man looked frail; a breezy wind would have knocked him off his feet.

"Please forgive me, my name is Albert Rossum, I’m the man from whom you will be renting this fine cottage."

He glanced back at the cottage.

"It’s one of my best, if I do say so!"

"Well it certainly does look very appealing to me, Mr Rossum; I look forward to staying here"

"You’re too kind sir, too kind."

"Well, I’ll be going to have a look around then if you ...."

"Wait! You have to come and meet the family, you can come by in an hour for some supper, I will not take no for an answer!"

This man seemed curiously over excited to see me; having a new priest on the scene was quite the celebration for this small town.

"Uh, thank you, I look forward to it."

"Good, it's the first house just around the corner up there. I along with the family look forward to seeing you."

I was exhausted, and not in the spirits to be a dinner guest, even though as a man of the cloth, I regarded it my duty not to turn down such offers.

Eventually, I entered my new home. Not as extravagant as the outside, but likeable all the same, somewhere I could stay for a while at least. Making my way up the spiral stairs to my room, I threw my cases onto the floor. The floor in the room was grey carpet. The walls were dull beige with a border of springtime green along the top. A sweet fragrance reminiscent of incense pervaded the entire room. I perched on the end of the bed, and put my head in my hands, i felt drained after such a long journey. Lifting my head to look around, the first thing my eyes were drawn to happen to be a shaded corner. Not the artwork hung on the walls, not the hand made sheets, not the superb view through the window, but a shadowed little corner. No matter how hard i tried to look, it couldn't be seen through, just plain blackness. Something felt very serene about the room, but made the body shiver, and it would eventually lead back to that corner.

__________________
If you don't fail at least 90 percent of the time, you're not aiming high enough.

Last edited by Bebe90; 05-02-2009 at 05:35 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-01-2009, 07:16 AM
I_WAS_LEGEND
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Wow. I like it, Bebe. For some reason i expect to see a body in the corner, or a child (I like The Grudge). Can't wait to read more of it. It seems oddly original, and it keeps me interested. Thanks for sharing!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-01-2009, 07:47 AM
Bebe90's Avatar
Bebe90 (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 124
Thanks: 2
Thanks 5
Default

Thank you

Glad you like it. Your a really good writer, nice to have some feedback from you
__________________
If you don't fail at least 90 percent of the time, you're not aiming high enough.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-01-2009, 07:51 AM
I_WAS_LEGEND
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Hey, thanks.
What exactly is the premise of the entire story? I mean, is he a monk, like Brother Odd? It seems very surreal.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-01-2009, 07:57 AM
Bebe90's Avatar
Bebe90 (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 124
Thanks: 2
Thanks 5
Default

No, nothing like Brother Odd (Though that is a very good book lol).

He's just a normal preist moving to a new place at the moment. The strange stuff comes later on. I'll be posting each chapter up, so you wont miss anything if you want to follow.
__________________
If you don't fail at least 90 percent of the time, you're not aiming high enough.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-01-2009, 09:52 AM
I_WAS_LEGEND
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Awsome. Can't wait to read more!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-01-2009, 12:37 PM
Paco (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,768
Thanks: 346
Thanks 150
Default

Where I stopped reading:

The coachman and I had been journeying silently all day. I was on my way to the town of Brunn am Gebirge. I arrived at this little parish when their last priest sadly passed away expectantly. I’d taken leave a few months prier, due to a severe illness, this was the first time I’d ever been relocated, Austria wasnt a bad place to start, although, i kept expecting a little man in a funny hat and lederhosen to pop out of the bushes.

Don't want to kill ambition, but there is work in writing. Popular subject matter does not replace grammar.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-01-2009, 01:10 PM
I_WAS_LEGEND
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

I have to disagree with you, Paco.
As writers, we are given a license, simply called, a writer's license, which allows us to use words such as 'I'd' in narrative. And since we're not exactly looking for language such as would be found in Frankenstein 2, i think he's fine in what he did with the narrative. I'm not quite sure what you're criticizing in his work. Maybe you could elaborate a little bit for me?
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 05-01-2009, 02:00 PM
Paco (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,768
Thanks: 346
Thanks 150
Default

No, 'nuff said.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 05-01-2009, 02:17 PM
Charis's Avatar
Charis (Offline)
I Am My Own Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 96
Thanks: 10
Thanks 13
Default

Using 'I' is fine, starting many sentences in a row with 'I this' and 'I that' is what the problem is. Sentence variety structure, yes sir.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 05-01-2009, 03:11 PM
Paco (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,768
Thanks: 346
Thanks 150
Default

"As writers, we are given a license, simply called, a writer's license, which allows us to use words such as 'I'd' in narrative."

To my knowledge, the term is 'literary license,' the freedom to fictionalize or stretch the facts, not a license to write poorly. Against my better judgment, I'll explain that I was not highlighting the use of 'I'd,' but the use of first person in multiple sentences, plus the use of passive verbs, and punctuation errors. My remarks pointed only to those few things, not to its literary worth; that's a value judgment. I didn't get that far.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 05-01-2009, 07:52 PM
I_WAS_LEGEND
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Yeah, sorry paco, i meant "Creative License". Haha.
It's hard to get used to writing a first person story and not say 'I' at the beginning of many sentences. It definitely needs work, but i don't think on a colossal level.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 05-02-2009, 05:27 AM
Bebe90's Avatar
Bebe90 (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 124
Thanks: 2
Thanks 5
Default

I appreciate criticism, but dont make it personal Paco. You suggested in your first comment that i dont put the effort into my work just because i'm not very good at grammer and word placement. I put massive amounts of effort into my writing. I'm new at writing. Einstein didn't wake up and say 'I think i'll create an E=MC2 formula ...'.

My stories need alot of work, i know that. I have ideas and want to add to it. Instead of telling me i'm doing it wrong, tell me why and how i can make it better.
__________________
If you don't fail at least 90 percent of the time, you're not aiming high enough.

Last edited by Bebe90; 05-02-2009 at 05:38 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 05-02-2009, 05:28 AM
Bebe90's Avatar
Bebe90 (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 124
Thanks: 2
Thanks 5
Default

I agree with you Charis, variety is the key, i just got abit swept away i think lol.
__________________
If you don't fail at least 90 percent of the time, you're not aiming high enough.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 05-02-2009, 06:55 AM
Paco (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,768
Thanks: 346
Thanks 150
Default

My remarks were not intended as personal criticism. I apologize.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 05-02-2009, 09:26 AM
Bebe90's Avatar
Bebe90 (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 124
Thanks: 2
Thanks 5
Default

Thank you. Have a cookie
__________________
If you don't fail at least 90 percent of the time, you're not aiming high enough.
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How I Learned To Write Fiction starrwriter Writers' Cafe 5 08-26-2015 04:08 PM
Story Starters - post your favorite writing prompts here! OnceUponATime Tips & Advice 56 05-26-2009 01:38 AM
The Raven: Chapter 7 - Part 1 Bebe90 Fiction 3 11-03-2008 12:36 AM
untitled, start of Chapter 2 lucyj Fiction 4 08-04-2006 02:36 AM
Write. Curve. Non-Fiction 4 07-13-2006 02:06 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:44 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.