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  #1  
Old 07-17-2006, 09:20 PM
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Ultimate Review


Write your ultimate horrible review that you either wish you'd given or you think might be what someone meant when she or he so gently said, "I don't get it."

OR

Write your ultimate excellent review that you know you should have gotten or meant to give, or that you see when you read between the lines of someone else's review of your work.


Act as if you mean it -

I read between the lines of your critique and I realized that you hated my work, me, and all the children I might ever have. I know that you printed my poem with a giant red bull's eye over it and set it up as a dartboard in the local pub.

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If I did not tell you all the changes you might consider, I would be doing you a disservice, treating you with less than the full respect you deserve. This much I have learned from my years teaching and mentoring writers.

Riverstones let the water flow around them.


Last edited by riverstone; 07-17-2006 at 09:24 PM..
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  #2  
Old 07-17-2006, 09:42 PM
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Ultimate Excellence -

I was so pleased to see you understood my story. I know it was you who paid for those ads in the London and the New York Times, praising that new and incredible talent on WB.
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If I did not tell you all the changes you might consider, I would be doing you a disservice, treating you with less than the full respect you deserve. This much I have learned from my years teaching and mentoring writers.

Riverstones let the water flow around them.

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  #3  
Old 07-17-2006, 09:44 PM
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Ultimate excellence..

Fuck me! you'll never have to work again with the deal that book's got you!
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Old 07-18-2006, 01:27 PM
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Ultimate Horrible:

YOur book was so confusing and you babbled on and on. Your charictors whre unoriginal, and your plot was over used in past novels.
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Old 07-19-2006, 08:14 AM
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Ultimate horrible:

"You poem was too long, the story made no sense, there was no rhythm, it was boring, your story was unoriginal and you have the worst choice of words.

If you fix those up, I'm sure it cuold turn out alright."

Gee, THANKS.
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  #6  
Old 07-19-2006, 10:52 AM
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Ultimate horrible:

Excuse me if my typing is a little off. The doctor said my sight will return some day when the horror of reading your writing is dulled to a level of more manageable insanity. The shock treatments are helping too. I can't actually call your writing terrible because that would be a tremendous insult to other terrible writers. You crossed into an entirely new plane of bad - something mankind has never witnessed since it first picked up a piece of burnt wood and began scratching on cave walls.

Let me try to summarize a few of the problems. You had nineteen flashbacks in the first four paragraphs. One of them was actually a flash forward, one was a flash sideways, and then there was the one that flashed into an as-yet undiscovered dimension. You introduced nintey-seven characters in the first chapter and forty-four of them had the same first (and last!) names. Chapter 2 was the word "smoozle" repeated 2,245 times. Chapter 3 contained only the words, "The end". Chapter 4 contained only the words, "Ha ha - made you look." Your experimental approach at writing every sentence backwards in chapter 5 didn't work.

While I understand your excitement at PublishAmerica offering you a contract to publish this abomination, maybe you should do a little research into their business practices. I encourage you to never try to write a novel again, in fact, never write anything whatsoever if you have any regard whatsoever for your fellow man. Absolutely do not reply to this comment because I don't want anyone to be permanently maimed by your word choices.
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Old 07-19-2006, 11:08 AM
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Ultimate horrible:

Burn your computer and break all of your fingers so you can never type another line of drivel as bad as what I just read. Do it for posterity.
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  #8  
Old 07-19-2006, 12:16 PM
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untilmate horrible-

Pardon me, but it made me want to kill myself for reading something so dumb. Not just the words you used or characters you tried to create, or thoughts you somehow think you can form...but for lack of better words: you suck, hope you have a back-up plan for that writing career.
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  #9  
Old 07-22-2006, 07:29 AM
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Ultimate Excellent -
I printed out one hundred and twelve copies, one for each of my friends, my co-workers, my cousins, my nieces, my nephews, my mother and my father. I am sending them to you by thus morning's post for your signature. Enclosed you will find a list of each of your new fans names. Please e sure to personalize each copy so they will be suitable for framing. Of course, I am enclosing 522 1-cent postage stamps and a manila envelop so you can mail them back to me posthaste! I just love your work!!!!
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If I did not tell you all the changes you might consider, I would be doing you a disservice, treating you with less than the full respect you deserve. This much I have learned from my years teaching and mentoring writers.

Riverstones let the water flow around them.

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