WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Writer's Beat Quarterly > Contest Central > Previous Contests


Contest Results | Fiction | Halloween Special (October 2006)

 
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 11-01-2006, 05:05 PM
Oasis Writer's Avatar
Oasis Writer (Offline)
A Crimson Evanescence
Loyal Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Idaho
Posts: 6,361
Thanks: 0
Thanks 20
Default Contest Results | Fiction | Halloween Special (October 2006)


Our winner this month is Jerrag; congratulations buddy Nicely done everyone. We hope you try next month.


Josh Daniels
11, 11, 9, 10, 8

Tony Thorne
12, 14, 13, 12, 11

Jerrag
16, 17.5, 15, 16.5, 16

Geoffrey Robson
9, 11.5, 12, 15.5, 13

sjb121590
14, 16, 17, 16.5, 17

75mcherch
10, 15, 15, 16, 16

__

Winner: Jerrag

Jerrag – 16.2
sjb121590 – 16.1
75mcherch – 14.4
Tony Thorne – 12.4
Geoffrey Robson – 12.2
Josh Daniels – 9.8

Originally Posted by OnceUponATime View Post
Okay, here are my scores for the October fiction contest submissions (hope I did this correctly and placed it in the right thread)....

1. Name: Josh Daniels
Score:
Mechanics - 3/5
Intangibles - 3/5
Overall - 5/10

Definitely violent & gory, but no discernable plot. Overall, the writing isn’t bad, but it feels so ‘stream-of-consciousness’ that I couldn’t make sense of it. Maybe some refining of the main character's background (the narrator) is called for.

Final Score: 11/20

---------------
2. Name: Tony Thorne
Score:
Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall: 7/10

Really liked this story. There's a lot of grammar/spelling issues to work out, but beneath that there was a good use of tension, suspense and surprise. Plot was pretty tight and solid - I was engrossed by the story and read it all the way to the end. The ending felt more like a punchline to a funny story than an ironic twist like one tends to find in horror stories, but with a little tweaking it could work - for one thing, I didn't understand how the cat came back to life. Other than that, nice job!

Final Score: 12/20


---------------
3. Name: Jerrag (Jerry A.G. Ericsson)
Score:
Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 8/10

Absolutely loved this! Ain't that just like a Tennesseean Granny to be so stubborn that she can't lie down long enough to die good and proper-like! There's a few grammar nits here and there throughout the piece but the story itself was so entertaining that I overlooked that kind of stuff. I laughed out loud at the end when her nose fell off.
Great stuff!

Final Score: 15/20

-----------------------------
4. Name:Geoffrey Robson
Score:
Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 2/5
Overall: 4/10

Starts out like a zombie/walking dead story and then it morphs into a war story (I think). It seemed to ramble on with no plot that I could detect. I'm seeing a lot of images, so the writing is vivid in detail, but what all the details mean, I have no idea. Good effort, but a lot of plot development needed. I just couldn't get into it, sorry.

Final Score: 9/20

------------

5. Name: sjb121590
Score:
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall: 7/10

Good suspense throughout and I'm drawn into the story easily. The problem I have with it is how it ends. It seems to me that the woman would have heard screams as soon as she entered her home, not hours later after falling asleep. Plus the killer would have heard her enter and kept the girl victim quiet while he sneaked into the woman's room to attack her, too. It just didn't make sense to me from a 'realism' standpoint, but it could be easily worked out by a few small changes where the woman hears the scream as soon as she arrives home and surprises the killer. Overall, though, a nice read.

Final Score: 14/20

--------------
6. Name: 75mcherch (Matthew C. Herch, Jr.)
Score:
Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 2/5
Overall: 5/10

Strange story, to say the least. It started right in the middle of the action, which is nice in most circumstances, but immediately I'm wondering what zombies are doing on a plane. It's a novel idea that is larger than a short story and in dire need of further plot development. In other words, there needs to be more explanation of the 'how' and 'why' of the zombie attack at 35,000 feet. The ending is sort of abrupt - a guy waking up from a dream with his father looming nearby, apparently hungry (in a cannibalistic kind of way, I hope) as well. It's too much of a jolt, jumping from one reality to the next, Again, this could be a much longer story with more plot development. Overall, great idea & nice work!

Final Score: 10/20
------------------------------------------
Originally Posted by aprilrain View Post
Oasis, or whoever compiles the score, I am offering these scores as if they didn't go over the word count limit, but I know that at least 2 of them did. So, these need to be reduced by the proper amount of penalty points.


Author: Josh Daniels
Spelling/Grammar: 2/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall: 6/10
Score: 11/20
Comments: I like how you describe all the sounds in this scene and how it culminates to drive the MC to violence (the sentence that begins “My heart, the beat, the moon, the yells..” is well done and brings this point home). I also found the similarities to the “Tell Tale Heart” to be an evocative springboard for this story. There were numerous grammatical issues, however, and frankly the tone left me unsettled. It began with such poetic description and prose and then suddenly switched to directness and vulgarity. This is possibly an indication of his madness, but I don’t think this was evident. Plus, the lack of identity of both the madman and his victims made it hard to relate or sympathize with either plight.

Title: One Over the Nine
Author: TonyThorne
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 6/10
Score: 14/20
Comments: This is a straight-forward story with few errors, and the writing is generally smooth and flowing. I like that the beheaded cat got its revenge in the end. I suppose I questioned, if he spent a half hour cleaning up the mess, why wouldn’t retrieving the head be number one on the list? LOL. I don’t have much to nitpick on this, though.

Title: Stubborn
Author: Jerrag
Spelling/Grammar: 3.5/5 (given the southern dialect, I assumed most spelling or grammatical errors were intentional, but I circled a few that I think were not)
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall: 9/10
Score: 17.5/20
Comments: Once I got used to the voice, I liked this story very much. It reminded me of a Mark Twain story, and I really enjoyed the black humor. The nose bit…well, maybe that was over the top, but I think that makes it all the more clear that it would take something drastic to overcome her stubborn nature. The characterization of all the characters, even the minor ones, was stellar. Great job.

Author: Geoffrey Robson
Spelling/Grammar: 2/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall: 6.5/10
Score: 11.5/20
Comments: I admire your experimentation with the present tense, and that seemed to work more in the first part of the story, where there is more action and tension, than in the second part with the boy’s parents. Also, you revert to past tense in one part. There were several spelling or grammar issues I noted. You pack a lot of story into few words and convey a lot through the boy’s letter. I wonder, though, if the story would be more effective if told through Adam’s POV, rather than his parents. Maybe something to try.

Title: The Scream
Author: sjb121590
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 8/10
Score: 16/20
Comments: After a certain amount of “telling” that you did in the first few paragraphs, you definitely caught my attention and held it throughout. You did a good job of pacing and creating tension. I was nervous for her as she went down the stairs! The ending left me wanting something more in the way of explanation, other than the fact that there had been break-ins in her neighborhood. Who is this man and why did he use her house for such a terrible crime? Why was he sure that she wouldn’t call the police--did he know her well enough to anticipate this? It seemed as though she just walked in on some random crime, but the crime and location are too intimate not to mean more than that--does that make sense? Either way, though, I liked it.

Title: In the Air
Author: 75mcherch
Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 7/10
Score: 15/20
Comments: There is a lot of vivid and well-written description of the sights and smells of the zombie that really make the MC’s struggle become real for the reader. I also like that this is a twist on the typical zombie story--“Zombies on the Plane.” Because this is a dream, you have more creative license with details, but before I knew it was a dream I was troubled by some of the description of the plane and flight. For instance, the image you create is of a huge cockpit (where he “runs” to the door and at one point the MC gets on his knees from the seat), but a cockpit of even a huge airplane is very cramped and close. Also, Paris to NYC in 2 hours and, at one point, he flies low enough to see dead bodies on the ground? That’s REALLY low for a commercial plane. Anyway, I’m being nitpicky about that, but only because your vivid details in other parts of the story make this a strong horror story.
Originally Posted by cuteangel View Post
Member: Josh Daniels
Title: None
Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 2/5
Overall Impression: 5/10

Comments: This would have been more effective if it wasn’t for your inconsistent use of apostrophes and the frequent changes of tense. You also repeated words, sometimes in the same sentence. Overall, the story seemed a bit rambling and pointless. I didn’t understand why this person was so intent on killing everyone, but you worked in the horror in a somewhat plausible way.

Score: 9/20

----------------------------------------------

Member: Tony Thorne
Title: One Over the Nine
Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: Overall gripping, but slightly inconsistent in comma and hyphen use. There were a few places where there could have been better wording, or less description and I didn’t quite understand the relevance of the title to the story. Other than that, you definitely left me scared at the end of this and made me thankful that I wasn’t reading it at night, though the ending was a bit predictable.

Score: 13/20

----------------------------------------------

Member: Jerrag
Title: Stubborn
Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: I don’t know if you intended it to be funny, but it was. Once Granny died, everything just became hilarious. The only thing that I didn’t find quite right was how calmly everyone seemed to take the situation. I know you described their fear, but it didn’t really sink in. Also, you’ve exceeded the word limit by around 1,000 words. For mechanics, it was mainly inconsistent comma and semi-colon use and for the intangibles, your tone was satisfactory.

Score: 15/20

----------------------------------------------

Member: Geoffrey Robson
Title: None
Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

Comments: Your grammar pulled your score down because you kept on switching tenses. There were other errors like comma use and punctuation around speech and places where the sentence could have been phrased better. Also, you exceeded the word limit by over a 1,000 words. It was a very moving story, but there were places where I was confused. Your beginning and ending lines were quite good. I’m not too sure if this fitted the ‘Halloween’ theme, though overall, it definitely got me thinking.

Score: 12/20

----------------------------------------------

Member: sjb121590
Title: The Scream
Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall: 9/10

Comments: Your grammar was pretty much flawless and your style is quite strong. There is one instance where you’ve said ‘me’, instead of ‘her’, but other than that, it would take some time to comb out most errors. The beginning rambled a bit and it didn’t really seem necessary to me. It was an interesting ending – definitely not one I expected when she first went into the basement. I really liked this one. Good work!

Score: 17/20

----------------------------------------------

Member: 75mcherch
Title: In the Air

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10
Comments: Nearly flawless spelling and an interesting style here. I didn’t quite expect the end to turn out like that, though I have to say the “It was just a dream” routine got on my nerves … until Billy’s dad walked in. I also didn’t understand what happened to the main pilot and how Billy seemed to know so many things just by guessing. Overall, it seemed a bit fragmented.

Score: 15/20
Originally Posted by Icarus View Post
Member: Josh Daniels
Title: n/a

Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 5/10

10/20

You need to work on the proper use of the apostrophe. The swearing seemed unnecessary – sometimes the more subtle approach can be the more powerful. While the violence fits with the Halloween theme, it seemed a bit gratuitous. The violence and language drowned out any semblance of a plot or characterization, which are far more important. I feel nothing for either your character or his victims, and the MC’s supposed insanity isn’t developed enough for me to accept it.


Member: TonyThorne
Title: One Over the Nine

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

12/20

There were enough errors here to distract me and the narrator’s voice was too bland. The opening two paragraphs suffer from information dump – try gradually working in the details about Owen’s appearance or the village’s attitude towards Megan. Also, there was little suspense and I could have predicted the outcome. Try moving away from Halloween clichés in this story and see what you come up with!


Member: Jerrag
Title: Stubborn

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4.5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

16.5/20

I really liked the voice you used – somewhat childish and with just enough accent put in it to give it flavor. Though not scary, this was really funny and got me laughing several times. It read like a tall tale, rather than just a Halloween story, which made it different from the other entries. Nice work!


Member: Geoffrey Robson
Title: n/a

Mechanics: 3.5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

15.5/20

The shifting of tense and a few grammar/punctuation errors were noticeable and distracting. However, though I see little relation to this and the prompt, it was really a rather well-told, dramatic story. So kudos on that. Like april, I would suggest playing with the POV and giving Adam’s perspective a chance. It’s not that I don’t like the parents and seeing their reactions, it’s that I think Adam’s POV would give this a little more edge to it. Nice work!


Member: sjb121590
Title: The Scream

Mechanics: 4.5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

16.5/20

Suitably scary and generally well written! I would have perhaps liked to have seen a little reasoning behind the killer – who is he, why Jennifer, etc. – and there’s a significant amount of information being unloaded in the first paragraph that is ultimately superfluous. We don’t need to know that she flew in from Atlanta. You did a good job creating tension and I found myself holding my breath as she went down to the basement. Good job!


Member: 75mcherch
Title: In the Air

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

16/20

A nice bit of horror, you’ve got here. I’ve never been one to like zombie stories, but this one, for some reason, really drew me in. I’ll second all of april’s comments on the reality of some of your details and add that the description of Billy as unshaven and dirty didn’t mesh with my idea of what a pilot would be required to look like (company policy and all that). So clean this up and I think you’ve got a great story!
Originally Posted by Oasis Writer View Post
Member: Josh Daniels
Title: Untitled

Mechanics: 1/5
Intangibles: 2/5
Overall Impression: 5/10

8/20

A lot of grammatical errors that I was able to find that really pulled down the machanics of this story, while the swearing in this story really pulled my attention. It wasn't really necessary in several cases. It wasn't completely bad, but to what I noticed, not completely done gingerly. The horror of the story really saved the overall impression.

***

Member: TonyThorne
Title: One Over the Nine

Mechanics: 2/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 6/10

11/20

Unfortunetly, there were enough errors in this piece to make me think twice about completing it, while the voice and tone was lacking and didn't really pull me in. You used a lot of information, instead of the "Show us, don't tell us." With some polishing, it could really save the story.

***

Member: Jerrag
Title: Stubborn

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

16/20

You had me laughing enough through this story to keep me very interested. I liked it. There were some errors I found, but not enough to really pull the story away, and your voice was very nicely used. Good job.

***

Member: Geoffrey Robson
Title: Untitled

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

13/20

The grammatical errors were pretty noticable, and the story, with a little polishing, could actually be very very well done. I do really like the idea of this story, just a few little things to make it so much better.

***

Member: sjb121590
Title: The Scream

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

17/20

Something I'd expect from Anne Rice. Very nicely done!

***

Member: 75mcherch
Title: In the Air

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

16/20

Scare, I must agree. This is a lot better than some of the zombie stories I've read before. This one really gave me...a desire for more...you know? Nicely done, good work.

__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
 

  WritersBeat.com > Writer's Beat Quarterly > Contest Central > Previous Contests


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Contest Results | Non Fiction | Freedom (July 2006) kal Previous Contests 6 08-01-2006 11:23 AM
Contest Results | Fiction | Freedom (July 2006) Titania Previous Contests 4 08-01-2006 07:57 AM
Perigee 2006 Fiction Contest En1ma Writing Markets 0 04-15-2006 10:43 AM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 03:03 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.