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  #1  
Old 12-15-2015, 09:00 AM
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Unimportant


When I know no one
is watching, I take

my time to be sad,
to live a little more
so I have something
to cry and write

about;

how my half-
eaten birthday cake
sits unimportantly with
the candles blown out
the wrong way, which

doesn't really matter

my wishes are
nobody's commands -
least of all a God
I don't believe in
nor the devil who
took my soul away,

how poems are just
syntactic patterning
and word science
equated with human

emotions, unoriginal depression and
existential crisis

and how people make
each other feel important
just to be
politically correct when

no one cares
about any one's
but their own poems or
perfect prose, sad stories
or sentimental songs

but we've come this
far, the great human race
that William declared
years and years ago
were natural role players

so maybe,
when I know no one
is watching, I will drive
this knife through
my heart, and no one
will be able to
pretend or act

like they care

as I carve
true art

with my
long dead,

final breath.


-LW
15/12/2015

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Last edited by LeWriter; 12-15-2015 at 09:04 AM..
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  #2  
Old 12-15-2015, 09:57 AM
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This does not sound like the genuine angst it purports to represent.

It sounds affected rather than genuine.
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Old 12-15-2015, 10:09 AM
Tor
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or it could use refinement but communicates well. might leave out that "long dead" phrase.
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Old 12-18-2015, 12:18 PM
reaching (Offline)
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I'm not a critic and don't know much about technique but I enjoyed reading this. I thought it was beautiful
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Old 12-18-2015, 12:20 PM
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Just when I was beginning to wonder where LeWriter went, there she is.

Although Hannibal Lector would disagree, there's not a whole lot of art in death.

Art comes from life and this world would be that much more artless without you, LeWriter.

I'm with Tor on 'long dead'. I think I see what you're trying to convey but save that for another poem.

...as I carve
true art
with my
final breath.

Much tighter.
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Old 12-20-2015, 03:10 PM
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The stanza breaks don’t work, enjambment is on the right track but still needs work.

The odd bits of punctuation don’t do it for me – I’m an all or nothing girl – the occasional appearance of a comma gives an impression of being half arsed.

Less is more.



xDrew
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Old 12-20-2015, 08:23 PM
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Originally Posted by iDrew View Post
The stanza breaks don’t work, enjambment is on the right track but still needs work.

The odd bits of punctuation don’t do it for me – I’m an all or nothing girl – the occasional appearance of a comma gives an impression of being half arsed.

Less is more.



xDrew

Agreed. The stanza breaks are unnatural. The punctuation is distracting in a quick read-through. That said, and having some communication with Ldub, it feels very genuine and understated to me. I don't see any disingenuous angst as commented about earlier. There is a new delicacy here. I hope this trend continues.
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Old 12-21-2015, 04:07 AM
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I did not mean to imply that there was anything as disingenuous going on. I am sure that the poet is being genuine. What concerns me is how it comes across, largely because of cumulative effect of a generous helping of stock and/or prosaic phrases:

When I know no one is watching, my half-eaten birthday cake, the candles blown out, the wrong way, doesn't really matter, a God I don't believe in, the devil who took my soul away, how poems are just [words], human emotions, unoriginal, existential crisis, politically correct when, no one cares (about any one's but their own) poems, we've come this far, the (great) human race, William, role players, when I know no one is watching, knife through my heart, long dead, final breath.
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