Two Opera Singers & a Rusty Gong (272 words)
Ms. Lynn hated beets. Though their rich flavor lingered on her palate, she shat red for a week afterwards and struggled to shake the fear that she had cancer. Once she even saw the doctor, who proceeded to stick a finger in her rectum, testing for fissures and anal bleeding. He only found traces of day-old corn kernels and a healed hemorrhoid from pregnancy.
“You're fine,” he said.
“Not up your poop shoot. You want me to check your ear hole?” He was kidding about her ear hole. A horrible doctor, who realized too late that all of his patients would die anyway, he took refuge in quick barbs.
“Would you?” She asked, referring to his offer to check her ear hole.
“Sure...” He fished a dusty scope from his drawer and brushed it off on his coat. Carefully, he slid the scope into her ear canal and peeped inside.
“Holy shit,” he let slipped. Not his most professional language.
“What is it, Doc?”
“You have an alien in your ear.”
“You saw that movie with Sigourney Weaver?”
“Yes, with the thing. In her stomach.”
“It wasn't a 'thing'. A Thing is a Dr. Seuss story. I'm talking about an actual fucking alien.”
“Doc, you shouldn't talk like that,” she scold him.
“And you should wipe your ass better.”
She slid down from the table. “Is there anything in my ear, or not?”
He shook his head 'no'.
“I'm gonna sue you, then.”
“So, you wouldn't sue me if I found something?”
“I don't know.”
She waddled toward the door.
“Ms. Lynn?” he called to her.
She looked at him.
“You should quit eating beets.”