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Old 02-01-2018, 07:57 AM
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Default Untitled Humor/Time Travel - Intro and Start of Chapter


INTRODUCTION

Akihiko Kayito was an odd bird. In fact, he earned himself the nickname “Dr. Dodo”; mainly because he was so rarely seen that his mere existence was often questioned. Living in a massive underground complex deep inside your own artificial island will spark those kinds of rumors I suppose.
In your somewhat distant (yet surprisingly accessible) future, this much will be certain to the world at large: his wealth will be spectacular, his genius will be unparalleled, and his eyewear will be intensely distracting. If Howard Hughes, Stephen Hawking, and Walt Disney had a child, it would be Dr. Dodo.
At the ripe old age of twenty-four, Dr. Dodo had graduated from the University of Tokyo and was the lead researcher at Nelson-Nakamoto Labs. It was there that he became obsessed with theoretical physics; particularly quantum physics; particularly quantum physics and gravity, negative energy—you know, simple stuff like that.
At thirty-three he left his job there and started his own company, Taimu Toraberu Rox. For those not fluent in Japanese, that would be Time Travel Rox. Hard to believe that name wasn’t already taken, isn’t it? Not long after that, his company undertook its first project—a rocket with an automated onboard lab. Its destination: the nearest black hole. Seventeen years and nearly a hundred projects later, his research team started receiving data from the lab. By that time, Taimu Toraberu Rox had completed construction of its very own artificial island off the eastern coast of Japan—complete with the aforementioned research complex and living quarters for Dr. Dodo and his two hundred plus member team. Oh, and also the three thousand solar panels, underwater mines, fifty-foot steel walls, thirty armed drones, twenty-two killer guard dogs, seventy killer guards, and one killer buffet restaurant—or so it’s been said.
Around year five or so of his company’s existence, Dr. Dodo began giving in to his true passion—collecting. Not antique jewelry, or fine art, or... what’s another cliché collectible? Uh... stamps. No, the good doctor spent all of his free time and energy seeking out the crème de la crème. The best of the best. The cream of the crop. Of course, we’re talking about 1980s memorabilia. More specifically, that of the United States of America (in which his mother was born). For Dr. Dodo, the choice between spending a truckload of yen on a Leonardo da Vinci piece, or a custom-built, twenty-foot marble statue of Leonardo the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle was a no-brainer. His fascination with the “Decade of Excess” progressed into full-fledged fixation within just a few years.
Naturally this fueled the suspicions of his research team that he was more than just eccentric. Instead, he must have been teetering on the brink of madness. For most, a simple stroll through his subterranean habitat would likely compel them to draw that conclusion. Where else could you find thirty-foot long banners featuring every ThunderCat? Thousands of ‘80s movie and television show stills framed behind a piece of bulletproof glass the size of a house? A platinum curio featuring thirty-five pairs of Freezy Freakies?
But, it simply wasn’t enough. As with many addictions, the thirst for more and better couldn’t be quenched. In his time, there just wasn’t much to choose from—especially new, sealed, mint, et cetera. However, Dr. Dodo had planned for this. In fact, he had spent his entire adult life working toward one goal—discovering the truth about time travel. Come on... you know where this is going. But, for those who still don’t, allow me to enlighten you.
The data being received by the research team under his employ was the final ingredient necessary to develop the first—and only—time travel portal. It wasn’t long after the successful completion of Taimu Toraberu Rox’s inaugural project that the Mass Regeneration Towers (or, as Dr. Dodo lovingly dubbed them, Mr. Ts) were brought online for the first time. Several trials later, Dr. Dodo himself became the first person to travel through time. From that point on, the rabid collector in him had all the access he could ever want to satisfy his desires.
In the years that followed, Dr. Dodo’s collection grew well beyond one large atrium in his complex. Every room—every nook and cranny—became a place to display his pristine pop culture possessions. Team members couldn’t even relieve themselves without being gawked at by Teddy Ruxpin, Strawberry Shortcake, or Michael Jackson—curiously judging you from five copies of his Thriller album.
This overabundance of obsolete opulence began to take its toll on some, and this would lead to the first of his issues with disclosure of the work being performed on the island, mainly to agents within the Japanese government. His epic run-ins with various Ministries, most notably the Ministry of Defense (on multiple occasions), are legendary. Each one never ending in any final resolution—a fact that many claim was directly influenced by Dr. Dodo making secret trips back in time to change events for his benefit.
Despite all his successes and all his accomplishments, the good doctor still felt unsatisfied. What good was any of it if he couldn’t show it and share it with others (besides those in his workforce—all of whom couldn’t care less). And so, Dr. Dodo locked himself away in his quarters for nearly a week. There, he traversed the very accommodating pathways of his genius, searching for an answer. When he did finally emerge, he was ecstatic.
Nearly nine months after his self-imposed imprisonment, Dr. Dodo made his first video appearance on television and social media. Standing in front of his greatest achievement, his announcement was short, sweet, and spoken in super-duper English: “My name is Akihiko Kayito, but you probably know me as Dr. Dodo. I am here to make an offer to all Americans. Visit my company’s website, and there you will find a simple, one-page entry form. From all submitted entries, I will choose five of you to take part in an amazing journey... back in time! That is correct. Everything you have heard is true. I have discovered the key to time travel, and I have participated in it hundreds of times myself. But now, I want to give you a chance to experience it with me. This will be the final time that the technology I have developed will be used. After this, I am going to have everything dismantled and end my long-running experiment. Thank you, and good luck to you all.”
The response to Dr. Dodo’s announcement was breathtaking. Seventy-five million people went online and filled out those entry forms, crashing Taimu Toraberu Rox’s website nearly as many times. The good doctor himself was ready for this response, however. With the help of his team, he had developed an algorithm that would determine exactly who he was looking for to take part in the final trip back in time. The parameters of the algorithm were, shall we say, peculiar. Nevertheless, Dr. Dodo couldn’t have been happier with the results.

BERT BRETT

AGE: 40
HEIGHT: 6’4”
WEIGHT: 270 LBS
GENDER: MALE
OCCUPATION: VEHICLE REPAIR
MARITAL STATUS: NEVER MARRIED
CHILDREN: NONE
ALGORITHM SCORE: 182
PRIME FACTOR: MEMORIZED MOTORMISER’S CATALOG OF MODELS 1971 - 1999

JONATHAN SANDERS

AGE: 38
HEIGHT: 5’6”
WEIGHT: 180 LBS
GENDER: MALE
OCCUPATION: UNEMPLOYED
MARITAL STATUS: DIVORCED
CHILDREN: NONE
ALGORITHM SCORE: 177
PRIME FACTOR: AUTHOR OF EXTINCT EDIBLES: THE DINOSAURS OF THE DRIVE-THRU

THOMAS GRANT

AGE: 44
HEIGHT: 5’8”
WEIGHT: 160 LBS
GENDER: MALE
OCCUPATION: MOBILE DEVICE STORE SUPERVISOR.
MARITAL STATUS: MARRIED
CHILDREN: 4
ALGORITHM SCORE: 191
PRIME FACTOR: HIGHEST NUMBER OF NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM GAME PURCHASES ON EBUY DIRECT – ALL TIME

MERIDA JACOBS

AGE: 36
HEIGHT: 5’2”
WEIGHT: INCOMPLETE
GENDER: FEMALE
OCCUPATION: FILM RESTORATION
MARITAL STATUS: MARRIED
CHILDREN: INCOMPLETE
ALGORITHM SCORE: 172
PRIME FACTOR: FILM HISTORIAN

PHILIP WOODALL

AGE: 18
HEIGHT: 5’11”
WEIGHT: 175 LBS
GENDER: MALE
OCCUPATION: INVENTORY CONTROL SPECIALIST
MARITAL STATUS: NEVER MARRIED
CHILDREN: NONE
ALGORITHM SCORE: 168
PRIME FACTOR: 232 ONLINE VIDEOS FEATURING THE CONSUMPTION OF DECADES OLD FOOD

CHAPTER ONE

There were no paper towels. There were never any paper towels. Why would there be? They were only one of maybe fifteen or twenty things that any normal person would buy every time they patronized the grocery store. But that would be expecting a bit much from the Grant family.
“Crap Tobias! Why couldn’t you’ve just sat at the table like I asked you to seventeen times?” Tom ran to the garage to gather his stash of car wash towels—not handled since the day they were purchased a year and a half ago. When he returned, he tried to contain what seemed like half a box of cereal and a half gallon of milk.
“Sorry Daddy,” muttered Tom’s youngest. He crept over to his latest disaster and watched his dad build a fort of rags around it on the vinyl floor.
“It’s okay buddy,” replied Tom in a forgiving tone. “Cheryl, I have to go! Can you come take care of this!”
“Take care of what!” roared Tom’s oldest, followed by stomps of frustration down the stairs. “No! Make him do it dad—it’s his mess.”
“You help him... because I said so, before you even ask. I don’t want to come home smelling rotten milk all night.”
“Whatever.” Cheryl knelt down and repeatedly gagged as she squeezed the rags together in an attempt to get it all up in one go—an entertaining sight for Tobias. “Get down here and help Toby!” He was content to watch and chuckle.
Tom’s wife Audrey addressed him from her chair in the living room as he approached the front door. “Mark’s tournament is tonight, so—”
“Okay. I’ll call around 5:00 to let you know if I can leave then.”
Audrey shook her bath towel-laden head and pointed her finger at Tom while trying to quickly force down a mouthful of oatmeal. “No, you told Robert two weeks ago you wouldn’t be in past 5:00 today. Two weeks ago, Tom!”
“Right. Okay. I just hope he remembered that and scheduled Adam to be around, just in case.”
“I told you to remind him on Monday.”
Tom clutched his satchel from the floor and stood motionless for a moment. “I... did.”
“You’re leaving at 5:00 Tom. Robert can get off his butt and do something for once.”
“Love you,” Tom uttered as he sped out the door.
“Love you too,” replied Audrey as she dropped her plastic spoon, now coated in dog hair. “Cheryl, bring me a spoon!”
Tom stood on his tiny concrete front porch and took a deep breath. He didn’t manage a single step before Tobias opened the door behind him.
“Daddy... your keys.”
“Right! Thank you buddy.” Tom swiped his set of keys from the little boy’s hand, then gave him a “good boy” pat on the head.
“Are you coming tonight?” Tobias inquired.
Tom lowered his gaze to the ground for a second, then knelt down and put his hand on his son’s shoulder.
“Yes. I’ll be there.”
Tobias raised a clinched fist with his pinky finger pointing right at Tom.
“You swear?”
Tom made the same gesture and hooked his pinky with Tobias’.
“I swear.”
Tom roped in Tobias for a firm hug and kiss on the head before ushering him back into the house. Next, he traversed the minefield of outdoor toys, what used to be outdoor toys, and toys that should never have been outdoors but were there for weeks anyway. Finally reaching the driver’s side door of his car, he untucked his button down shirt and furiously tried to wipe a smudge from its smooth, black surface.
"A Buick Grand National," declared a voice from the corner of Tom's house. "Very choice."
Tom spun his body in the direction of the voice, and saw a man standing there with his arms resting behind his back.
"Hello, uh... can I help you?" Tom asked with consternation. The man approached him ever so slowly and said, "One of the only cars worth owning from the 1980s.”
"Wait," said Tom, "I know who you are!"
The man, now clearly bearing the visage of Dr. Dodo, gently caressed the hood of the vehicle with his forefinger, from headlight to windshield.
Tom's mouth fell open and his eyes became squinched.

"What are you doing here?” he asked.

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Old 02-01-2018, 11:31 AM
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This is very good! What happens next? Though I immediately thought of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I really wanted to keep reading. I'm glad you turned from telling us what happened first to showing us poor Mr. Grant. I wonder where he wants to go and what he wants to do? Show us more?
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Old 02-01-2018, 03:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Luciaphile View Post
This is very good! What happens next? Though I immediately thought of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I really wanted to keep reading. I'm glad you turned from telling us what happened first to showing us poor Mr. Grant. I wonder where he wants to go and what he wants to do? Show us more?
Thank you Lucia. I will be working on this, so I will update it with more soon.
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Old 02-01-2018, 03:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Vaporman87 View Post
INTRODUCTION

Akihiko Kayito was an odd bird. In fact, he earned himself the nickname “Dr. Dodo”; mainly because he was so rarely seen that his mere existence was often questioned. Living in a massive underground complex deep inside your own artificial island will spark those kinds of rumors I suppose.

In your somewhat distant (yet surprisingly accessible) future, this much will be certain to the world at large: his wealth will be spectacular, his genius will be unparalleled, and his eyewear will be intensely distracting. If Howard Hughes, Stephen Hawking, and Walt Disney had a child, it would be Dr. Dodo.

At the ripe old age of twenty-four, Dr. Dodo had graduated from the University of Tokyo and was the lead researcher at Nelson-Nakamoto Labs. It was there that he became obsessed with theoretical physics; particularly quantum physics; particularly quantum physics and gravity, negative energy—you know, simple stuff like that.

At thirty-three he left his job there and started his own company, Taimu Toraberu Rox. For those not fluent in Japanese, that would be Time Travel Rox. Hard to believe that name wasn’t already taken, isn’t it? Not long after that, his company undertook its first project—a rocket with an automated onboard lab. Its destination: the nearest black hole. Seventeen years and nearly a hundred projects later, his research team started receiving data from the lab. By that time, Taimu Toraberu Rox had completed construction of its very own artificial island off the eastern coast of Japan—complete with the aforementioned research complex and living quarters for Dr. Dodo and his two hundred plus member team. Oh, and also the three thousand solar panels, underwater mines, fifty-foot steel walls, thirty armed drones, twenty-two killer guard dogs, seventy killer guards, and one killer buffet restaurant—or so it’s been said.

Around year five or so of his company’s existence, Dr. Dodo began giving in to his true passion—collecting. Not antique jewelry, or fine art, or... what’s another cliché collectible? Uh... stamps. No, the good doctor spent all of his free time and energy seeking out the crème de la crème. The best of the best. The cream of the crop. Of course, we’re talking about 1980s memorabilia. More specifically, that of the United States of America (in which his mother was born). For Dr. Dodo, the choice between spending a truckload of yen on a Leonardo da Vinci piece, or a custom-built, twenty-foot marble statue of Leonardo the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle was a no-brainer. His fascination with the “Decade of Excess” progressed into full-fledged fixation within just a few years.

Naturally this fueled the suspicions of his research team that he was more than just eccentric. Instead, he must have been teetering on the brink of madness. For most, a simple stroll through his subterranean habitat would likely compel them to draw that conclusion. Where else could you find thirty-foot long banners featuring every ThunderCat? Thousands of ‘80s movie and television show stills framed behind a piece of bulletproof glass the size of a house? A platinum curio featuring thirty-five pairs of Freezy Freakies?

But, it simply wasn’t enough. As with many addictions, the thirst for more and better couldn’t be quenched. In his time, there just wasn’t much to choose from—especially new, sealed, mint, et cetera. However, Dr. Dodo had planned for this. In fact, he had spent his entire adult life working toward one goal—discovering the truth about time travel. Come on... you know where this is going. But, for those who still don’t, allow me to enlighten you.

The data being received by the research team under his employ was the final ingredient necessary to develop the first—and only—time travel portal. It wasn’t long after the successful completion of Taimu Toraberu Rox’s inaugural project that the Mass Regeneration Towers (or, as Dr. Dodo lovingly dubbed them, Mr. Ts) were brought online for the first time. Several trials later, Dr. Dodo himself became the first person to travel through time. From that point on, the rabid collector in him had all the access he could ever want to satisfy his desires.

In the years that followed, Dr. Dodo’s collection grew well beyond one large atrium in his complex. Every room—every nook and cranny—became a place to display his pristine pop culture possessions. Team members couldn’t even relieve themselves without being gawked at by Teddy Ruxpin, Strawberry Shortcake, or Michael Jackson—curiously judging you from five copies of his Thriller album.

This overabundance of obsolete opulence began to take its toll on some, and this would lead to the first of his issues with disclosure of the work being performed on the island, mainly to agents within the Japanese government. His epic run-ins with various Ministries, most notably the Ministry of Defense (on multiple occasions), are legendary. Each one never ending in any final resolution—a fact that many claim was directly influenced by Dr. Dodo making secret trips back in time to change events for his benefit.
Despite all his successes and all his accomplishments, the good doctor still felt unsatisfied. What good was any of it if he couldn’t show it and share it with others (besides those in his workforce—all of whom couldn’t care less). And so, Dr. Dodo locked himself away in his quarters for nearly a week. There, he traversed the very accommodating pathways of his genius, searching for an answer. When he did finally emerge, he was ecstatic.

Nearly nine months after his self-imposed imprisonment, Dr. Dodo made his first video appearance on television and social media. Standing in front of his greatest achievement, his announcement was short, sweet, and spoken in super-duper English: “My name is Akihiko Kayito, but you probably know me as Dr. Dodo. I am here to make an offer to all Americans. Visit my company’s website, and there you will find a simple, one-page entry form. From all submitted entries, I will choose five of you to take part in an amazing journey... back in time! That is correct. Everything you have heard is true. I have discovered the key to time travel, and I have participated in it hundreds of times myself. But now, I want to give you a chance to experience it with me. This will be the final time that the technology I have developed will be used. After this, I am going to have everything dismantled and end my long-running experiment. Thank you, and good luck to you all.”

The response to Dr. Dodo’s announcement was breathtaking. Seventy-five million people went online and filled out those entry forms, crashing Taimu Toraberu Rox’s website nearly as many times. The good doctor himself was ready for this response, however. With the help of his team, he had developed an algorithm that would determine exactly who he was looking for to take part in the final trip back in time. The parameters of the algorithm were, shall we say, peculiar. Nevertheless, Dr. Dodo couldn’t have been happier with the results.

BERT BRETT

AGE: 40
HEIGHT: 6’4”
WEIGHT: 270 LBS
GENDER: MALE
OCCUPATION: VEHICLE REPAIR
MARITAL STATUS: NEVER MARRIED
CHILDREN: NONE
ALGORITHM SCORE: 182
PRIME FACTOR: MEMORIZED MOTORMISER’S CATALOG OF MODELS 1971 - 1999

JONATHAN SANDERS

AGE: 38
HEIGHT: 5’6”
WEIGHT: 180 LBS
GENDER: MALE
OCCUPATION: UNEMPLOYED
MARITAL STATUS: DIVORCED
CHILDREN: NONE
ALGORITHM SCORE: 177
PRIME FACTOR: AUTHOR OF EXTINCT EDIBLES: THE DINOSAURS OF THE DRIVE-THRU

THOMAS GRANT

AGE: 44
HEIGHT: 5’8”
WEIGHT: 160 LBS
GENDER: MALE
OCCUPATION: MOBILE DEVICE STORE SUPERVISOR.
MARITAL STATUS: MARRIED
CHILDREN: 4
ALGORITHM SCORE: 191
PRIME FACTOR: HIGHEST NUMBER OF NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM GAME PURCHASES ON EBUY DIRECT – ALL TIME

MERIDA JACOBS

AGE: 36
HEIGHT: 5’2”
WEIGHT: INCOMPLETE
GENDER: FEMALE
OCCUPATION: FILM RESTORATION
MARITAL STATUS: MARRIED
CHILDREN: INCOMPLETE
ALGORITHM SCORE: 172
PRIME FACTOR: FILM HISTORIAN

PHILIP WOODALL

AGE: 18
HEIGHT: 5’11”
WEIGHT: 175 LBS
GENDER: MALE
OCCUPATION: INVENTORY CONTROL SPECIALIST
MARITAL STATUS: NEVER MARRIED
CHILDREN: NONE
ALGORITHM SCORE: 168
PRIME FACTOR: 232 ONLINE VIDEOS FEATURING THE CONSUMPTION OF DECADES OLD FOOD

CHAPTER ONE


There were no paper towels. There were never any paper towels. Why would there be? They were only one of maybe fifteen or twenty things that any normal person would buy every time they patronized the grocery store. But that would be expecting a bit much from the Grant family.

“Crap Tobias! Why couldn’t you’ve just sat at the table like I asked you to seventeen times?” Tom ran to the garage to gather his stash of car wash towels—not handled since the day they were purchased a year and a half ago. When he returned, he tried to contain what seemed like half a box of cereal and a half gallon of milk.

“Sorry Daddy,” muttered Tom’s youngest. He crept over to his latest disaster and watched his dad build a fort of rags around it on the vinyl floor.

“It’s okay buddy,” replied Tom in a forgiving tone. “Cheryl, I have to go! Can you come take care of this!”

“Take care of what!” roared Tom’s oldest, followed by stomps of frustration down the stairs. “No! Make him do it dad—it’s his mess.”

“You help him... because I said so, before you even ask. I don’t want to come home smelling rotten milk all night.”

“Whatever.” Cheryl knelt down and repeatedly gagged as she squeezed the rags together in an attempt to get it all up in one go—an entertaining sight for Tobias. “Get down here and help Toby!” He was content to watch and chuckle.

Tom’s wife Audrey addressed him from her chair in the living room as he approached the front door. “Mark’s tournament is tonight, so—”

“Okay. I’ll call around 5:00 to let you know if I can leave then.”

Audrey shook her bath towel-laden head and pointed her finger at Tom while trying to quickly force down a mouthful of oatmeal. “No, you told Robert two weeks ago you wouldn’t be in past 5:00 today. Two weeks ago, Tom!”

“Right. Okay. I just hope he remembered that and scheduled Adam to be around, just in case.”

“I told you to remind him on Monday.”

Tom clutched his satchel from the floor and stood motionless for a moment. “I... did.”

“You’re leaving at 5:00 Tom. Robert can get off his butt and do something for once.”

“Love you,” Tom uttered as he sped out the door.

“Love you too,” replied Audrey as she dropped her plastic spoon, now coated in dog hair. “Cheryl, bring me a spoon!”

Tom stood on his tiny concrete front porch and took a deep breath. He didn’t manage a single step before Tobias opened the door behind him.

“Daddy... your keys.”

“Right! Thank you buddy.” Tom swiped his set of keys from the little boy’s hand, then gave him a “good boy” pat on the head.

“Are you coming tonight?” Tobias inquired.

Tom lowered his gaze to the ground for a second, then knelt down and put his hand on his son’s shoulder.

“Yes. I’ll be there.”

Tobias raised a clinched fist with his pinky finger pointing right at Tom.

“You swear?”

Tom made the same gesture and hooked his pinky with Tobias’.

“I swear.”

Tom roped in Tobias for a firm hug and kiss on the head before ushering him back into the house. Next, he traversed the minefield of outdoor toys, what used to be outdoor toys, and toys that should never have been outdoors but were there for weeks anyway. Finally reaching the driver’s side door of his car, he untucked his button down shirt and furiously tried to wipe a smudge from its smooth, black surface.

"A Buick Grand National," declared a voice from the corner of Tom's house. "Very choice."

Tom spun his body in the direction of the voice, and saw a man standing there with his arms resting behind his back.

"Hello, uh... can I help you?" Tom asked with consternation. The man approached him ever so slowly and said, "One of the only cars worth owning from the 1980s.”

"Wait," said Tom, "I know who you are!"

The man, now clearly bearing the visage of Dr. Dodo, gently caressed the hood of the vehicle with his forefinger, from headlight to windshield.
Tom's mouth fell open and his eyes became squinched.


"What are you doing here?” he asked.
Remember this spacing for,future posting please unless you only,want congratulations and not actual critiques. Ill be back later to crit
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Old 02-01-2018, 03:43 PM
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Your mechanics and writing style are good.

Your dialogue seems at odds with your actual story. It doesn't match, and you aren't drawing any particular distinction between perception. Work on making it real and seamless.

Speaking of, your narrator makes a great argument for characterization, but your characters don't speak for themselves on that aspect. Work on your characters, make them real as well.

The writing is good, just needs to be cleaned in places, but I know you can do that.

Characterization is key here. As well as making a seamless transition from dialogue to detail. Read your stuff out loud. If you are a visual person put it all in a font you would never use and read it. Trust me it helps.

Edit:
Don't like the character bios... Seems like an excuse not to let the story and your writing craft describe them. No one will read that, that stuff is what you should see when writing inane description details.

The intro is really cool, but extremely unnecessary. I do really like it, but trust your story and rely on your craft.
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Last edited by daes13; 02-01-2018 at 03:47 PM..
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Old 02-05-2018, 10:46 AM
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My instant reaction on reading the opening line: a nicely quirky start that really grabs the attention. A lot of good wry humour throughout. Agree you could do with a line space between each paragraph.

Last edited by Phoenix Lazarus; 02-05-2018 at 10:51 AM..
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