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S. O. B.

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  #1  
Old 09-17-2012, 03:01 PM
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Default S. O. B.


Recycling unused items a daily way of existence

Sweet, delicate perfume of wild flowers drifting about on soft breezes

Fish populations regenerating exponentially

Eco-efficient, self renewing power (hydro-water systems, solar electricity, windmill generators) free to all

Every orphan adopted

Religious divergence resolved to everyone's satisfaction

Global warming at a standstill

Doctors Without Borders a worldwide service, sans cost

Green growing on any land not used otherwise

Fossil fuels outdated

Forest trees increasing

Prisons emptied, prisoners bio-balanced and back into civilization

Mmmm, nice

If that neighbor's dog wakes me with three a.m. barking now so help me Jesus Christ I will ram my fist through his bung hole and when it gets clear of his teeth I will clamp onto his upper snout and pull my arm back until that son of a bitch is inside out

Now where was I?

Oh, yes

All homeless housed

Awareness and understanding of multi cultures a commonplace constant

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Old 09-17-2012, 04:03 PM
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If you make a habit of abusing barky neighbor dogs...I have a job for you.

Heh, heh. I can relate.

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Old 09-17-2012, 04:46 PM
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I like this loads better than the Buk one you’ve also posted, but we’ve had our little discussion about that odious man so you know where I stand on him (in five inch heels on a tender bit!).

The only thing I’ve really to offer on this one is to maybe consider how you take the reader on the journey. In other words by altering the line order towards a sense of increasing gravitas before you reach the pay off point. Certainly I would start with L2 to lull the reader into a false security.

I also like the fact you’ve continued after the dog. Nice touch.


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Old 09-18-2012, 04:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Adrenaline View Post
barky neighbor dog...I have a job for you.
First I need to get this goop off my arm.
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Old 09-18-2012, 04:48 AM
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I agree with IDrew about going on after the thought on the dog. That was a nice touch to the whole.

To be honest it was what made the poem work for me.
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Old 09-18-2012, 04:50 AM
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Originally Posted by iDrew View Post
The only thing I’ve really to offer on this one is to maybe consider how you take the reader on the journey. In other words by altering the line order towards a sense of increasing gravitas before you reach the pay off point. Certainly I would start with L2 to lull the reader into a false security.
Dream state events are (for me) often non-sequential.


If you would like to arrange the lines in a sequence that shows your thoughts I would like to look at it.
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Old 09-19-2012, 12:33 PM
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Yes, Nick! Thank you for the chuckle amidst some serial sneezing. Funny how the dog works much better than a whailing baby would have. I was relating with the MC and trying to avoid them all in one, I guess I have issues
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Old 09-19-2012, 02:30 PM
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...marvellous Nick, why not just drop a little note through their door, unleash the real power of anonymous "creative writing" then, works for me, yes it's been lovely and peaceful here for weeks now in the little cottage by the canal...

http://forums.writersbeat.com/showth...arm#post526816
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Old 09-19-2012, 03:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
If you would like to arrange the lines in a sequence that shows your thoughts I would like to look at it.
That’s like homework – you’re evil.

If I get the time I’ll give it a go but busy girl at the mo tho.


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Old 09-24-2012, 05:30 PM
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THis poem is a "world-changer" from an optimist. But it's more list than poem. No emotion, no opinion, no story. Carries no kinetic energy in any thought or collision of thoughts. It's a list. Just a list of stuff that people say they will make if you vote for them. You could make it carry more weight with some genuine opinion, like a poem with slant, spin, bias, a view of the world and a new take or similar commentary of global trends.


It doesn't make me feel what I want to feel. It makes me feel tired. It doesn't make me feel bad or good or inspired or agreed with or make me want to change my convenient habits or my immediate life patterns or make me think you want me to change. Without the stream-of-thought line additions, I would feel more judged by a holier-than-thou rhetorician. As it stands, the poem stirs not a sound-byte for me. It's just a list of nice thoughts.

With some true-personal life context (you rule at that kind of stuff) and present-time interaction between the speaker's thoughts (mmm,nice) and the running list of perfect-world happenings, this poem could just properly shame my life's efforts, affect me overnight, and later impress on me the fact that I want to change on my own. The poem didn't change me. I happened to change because it changed me. But the poem didn't change me. I changed.

The message sneaks up on me a little more if you add more stream-thoughts. Okay.

We talked about what we want the reader to come away with in every publish/attempt. Haha.

I think you know your message better as your own reader than as your own writer or your own judge. You can gauge your message's strength better as your own writer. You can feel your message best as your own critter. But you are always your own judge.

Poof. Where did my ego go? It's all gone. Now it's back. I have to purge it again and go dump the green bag in the green bucket and invest in an installation of solar panels in rural Mongolia!! Seeya.

Love, Laura.

Last edited by maidahl; 09-24-2012 at 05:45 PM..
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Old 09-25-2012, 10:06 PM
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Should've been called S.O.L.
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Old 09-26-2012, 02:18 AM
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Originally Posted by WilliamS. View Post
Should've been called S.O.L.

Son Ofa List?
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Old 09-26-2012, 05:21 PM
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Sweet, delicate perfume of wild flowers drifting about on soft breezes

Recycling unused items a daily way of existence

Fossil fuels outdated

Every orphan adopted

Fish populations regenerating exponentially

Eco-efficient, self renewing power (hydro-water systems, solar electricity, windmill generators) free to all

Global warming at a standstill

Forest trees increasing

Religious divergence resolved to everyone's satisfaction

Doctors Without Borders a worldwide service, sans cost

Green growing on any land not used otherwise

Awareness and understanding of multi cultures a commonplace constant

Mmmm, nice

If that neighbor's dog wakes me with three a.m. barking now so help me Jesus Christ I will ram my fist through his bung hole and when it gets clear of his teeth I will clamp onto his upper snout and pull my arm back until that son of a bitch is inside out

Now where was I?

Oh, yes

All homeless housed

Prisons emptied, prisoners bio-balanced and back into civilization





please mark my homework

xDrew
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  #14  
Old 09-27-2012, 02:55 AM
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Originally Posted by iDrew View Post
Sweet, delicate perfume of wild flowers drifting about on soft breezes

Recycling unused items a daily way of existence

Fossil fuels outdated

Every orphan adopted

Fish populations regenerating exponentially

Eco-efficient, self renewing power (hydro-water systems, solar electricity, windmill generators) free to all

Global warming at a standstill

Forest trees increasing

Religious divergence resolved to everyone's satisfaction

Doctors Without Borders a worldwide service, sans cost

Green growing on any land not used otherwise

Awareness and understanding of multi cultures a commonplace constant

Mmmm, nice

If that neighbor's dog wakes me with three a.m. barking now so help me Jesus Christ I will ram my fist through his bung hole and when it gets clear of his teeth I will clamp onto his upper snout and pull my arm back until that son of a bitch is inside out

Now where was I?

Oh, yes

All homeless housed

Prisons emptied, prisoners bio-balanced and back into civilization





please mark my homework

xDrew

Ha.
You do follow through. You are a rare one.
I appreciate being able to clearly see in fact what you saw in potential.

Letting the how to empty the prisons gag occupy the nailer position- I think the subject approached suffers from exposure here.
The original placement before the title explanation bit was crafted.

All this is my fantasy, of course.

And the "Awareness and understanding of multi cultures a commonplace constant" line being the last part to be read in the piece- Tell me this is not the coolest sentiment to come down the road since "Love thy neighbor".

I don't think that opinion is a fantasy. It is the only goal that this race has worth attaining.

Startin' to weep. Soapbox is gettin' slippery. Got to get off of it before I fall and break me arse. Again (last crack ain't nowhere near healed).

So thanks again for puttin' some text where your talk was.
Should I make it to Essex I will buy you a new pair of shoes that you may walk on my gratitude.

Best,
Nick
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Old 02-23-2018, 10:15 AM
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For Luciaphile.
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Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
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Old 02-23-2018, 03:50 PM
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Good one! I had a wonderful idea, though, for the end, something like Extinction of animals ended, cruelty towards women, children, and animals non-existent, and no-kill humane societies the law of the land.
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