Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.

As you sow... WC 579

Thread Tools
Old 09-02-2016, 11:22 PM
Beginner writer's Avatar
Beginner writer (Offline)
Dedicated Writer
Official Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 214
Thanks: 159
Thanks 23
Default As you sow... WC 579

Jack stared at them. One...Two...three... One by one they were opening all the cartons in the container truck. His heart thumped. Sweat drops glittered on his forehead. He turned and twisted his arms behind his back but he couldn't get free from the talon grip of a professional. "But Sir, why?" He pleaded.

"SHUT UP!" A sharp blow to Jack's back and he winced in pain. The pain that he was used to five years ago. He looked up through his watery eyes at them scanning the opened cartons filled with chocolate bars. They shouldn't find that. They shouldn't. One of them tore the wrapper and smelled the chocolate bar. "Sir, it is the one." Jack's body paralysed. His heart stopped. They found out...?
"Hmmm." The man with peaked cap glared at Jack. Jack gulped and glimpsed at the handcuffs hanging from the man's belt.

"You are after the wrong person." Jack implored." I'm just a driver transporting these cartons for the company."

"Really?" The officer swung a half eaten chocolate bar and a piece of paper before Jack's eyes. Ah...He hadn't picked it up from the park in hurry. He didn't realised that even in two days? Foolish mistake on his first task. Boss's trust on him and his reason to be alive...All would disappear into the darkness of the prison cell. Jack stared the truck's floor then at his prosthetic leg. Pain and the anger surged through his body. Jack waited so long to be able to make him feel his own sufferings. He couldn't just end up in a prison without doing that! With a tug, Jack released his arm, punched the policeman behind him, pushed the officer standing before him and rushed.

"HEY!" Policeman roared.

Faster and faster. He raced, not because he was afraid of jail. No, not at all. He had experienced it many times when he and the boys of his age were arrested from the roadside. Their crime...pleading for money, not for themselves. For him. For avoiding their painful death... No one saw their teary eyes, the pain, the call for help hidden in their voices. People just threw a coin before them and left. That unjust world. Jack blinked clearing the blurry view of the way.

A blast. A sting in his calf. Numbness. Stabbing pain. Jack staggered and fell down. The policemen rushed and caught him again. On his knees, gasping, he looked at the foggy reddened ground and blood dripping from the hole in his only leg. Why?He just wanted justice. The pay for his pain, his loneliness, his ruined life. Where were these people when he was suffering?why hadn't they searched his truck then? No one helped him. No one. Only boss... who had found him dying of hunger at the roadside, helped him and gave him shelter, food and care.

"Here they are." Policeman voice stabbed in his ear drum. He saw them heaving the two unconscious fettered kids out from the cartons. Each of them had a leg missing.
"My kids." A man from behind rushed towards them and embraced them. Jack watched the man with his back to him, quivering. Heard him sobbing. "You cruel animal! " The man turned and grabbed Jack's collar, "How could you..." His grip loosened and he gaped at Jack. "You? Alive?" He whispered. Jack stared him and blinked. "Your kids..." Then a smile spread across his face. "Officer, please take me to the jail, I'm ready to be punished."

Thanks for taking time to read ☺ Need your kind thoughts about the story.

Last edited by Beginner writer; 09-03-2016 at 09:34 PM..
Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2016, 06:28 AM
Elisa/win's Avatar
Elisa/win (Offline)
Illusive Drifter
Senior Moderator
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,295
Thanks: 81
Thanks 455

Word choice is better than before. Remember, don't rush the story. It feels a bit rush right now. Take your time on important details. This will help to clarify confusion the reader might have. For example, what makes the inspector suspect the boxes have children inside? Are there some small signs that gives it away? And the paper, what is it exactly? jack's orders I assume, but a few words would help to clarify this. Also, I feel the emotion side of the story can be worked on. Why should we care about Jack? So he was poor and badly treated when he was young, but what makes him different? I would also take out "that unjust life" as you have already shown it and saying it is just repeating yourself.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I'm i na bit of a hurry because I'm moving in a few days and need to get things packed haha.
Love me for all my faults
Some run from their phantoms, some can face their's, but the truly courageous wink at their's
Great writing is not simply words on a page, it's a conduit between the writer and the reader's souls.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Elisa/win For This Useful Post:
Beginner writer (09-19-2016)
Old 09-08-2016, 03:10 AM
IanG (Offline)
Word Wizard
Official Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 526
Thanks: 19
Thanks 116

The beginning is plausible and should draw people in. That said Elisa/win has a point asking why should we care about Jack? If you state or imply that he tried to get out of this job but was forced into it by someone stronger than himself, then it might help. A missing limb may not be enough on its own as we are bombarded with images of suffering every day on T.V.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to IanG For This Useful Post:
Beginner writer (09-19-2016)

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

All times are GMT -8. The time now is 03:06 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.