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Naomi and the Waffle Queen Epiphany: Shory Story, Part 1

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Old 11-02-2016, 10:17 PM
ShuRimm (Offline)
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Like Konan said, I was really into it.

Also, I really like how much details you put into this in such a small amount of writing.

Punctuation wise, I only noticed two things.
The first one was already pointed out by Pheonix about the comma.
The second one is possibly arguable. In the paragraph before Bobby mentions Waffle Queen, you used Earth as a proper noun. So I believe it should be capitalized.

Story wise, it is very good so far. I will be sure to read the rest in the members only section later on and give feedback as well.
I really do want Bobby to learn his lesson, possibly getting his sorry excuse of a husband beaten down. So you did a good job at making people hate him, which I'm sure was the intention.
Naomi on the other hand I am liking. She sounds like someone who would be a very caring mother.

I also really like how you included some backstories. It gave more character development, which is needed in short stories.

All in all, I really hope you do well and continue to enjoy writing.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Old 11-05-2016, 10:19 AM
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Hi Myers, this was a good read. Mention is good and dialogue is natural. Getting the dialogue right is often the hardest to write for beginners. I wonder if there could be more characterization by using subtext as they speak? Currently everything seem quite near the surface and that's good, but some variety would create different tensions.

As for your comment on critiquing, yes, often the best way is to try summiting and failing and try again. It's probably best to submit to places where they offer adjudication as you would get feedback and get a feel of what the market is looking for. Of course it's also a lot to do with luck and finding the people who like your work. And I think "members only" is so quiet because for most new writers, they come in thinking it would be easy, but when they don't find this being so, they don't persist.

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Some run from their phantoms, some can face their's, but the truly courageous wink at their's
Great writing is not simply words on a page, it's a conduit between the writer and the reader's souls.
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