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Getting it right

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  #1  
Old 07-21-2017, 01:31 PM
Leila (Offline)
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Default Getting it right


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There is nothing more overwhelming than this attraction of the abyss - Jules Verne

Last edited by Leila; 07-26-2017 at 01:52 AM..
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Old 07-22-2017, 03:00 AM
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Hey Leila.

I like the twist.

The last line is executed perfectly.

I think maybe the run-up is too long - everything before "I don't know what to say though" is superfluous.

For me, your voice sounds annoyingly chirpy/chatty. If it was more enigmatic, it would lend some mood and tension.

I want to buy into this person's plight and believe there's a serious suicide bid afoot before you floor me with the twist and make me hate myself for caring.

Don't worry about padding a piece out to make it longer - this could pack a punch with a halved and carefully selected word count. There's a little diamond wrapped up in here. x
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Old 08-03-2017, 09:29 AM
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Default RE: your story

I do not see the posted story?
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Old 08-03-2017, 09:41 AM
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Originally Posted by lgavra View Post
I do not see the posted story?
Sorry, I deleted it.
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