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Pool Route

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  #1  
Old 04-16-2011, 05:30 PM
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Default Pool Route


As is my way, I had come through the gate Indian quiet.

And there he was. Ass backin' out of my truck's passenger door.

Saw me, dropped stolen stuff and came up with a piece.

I'm thinkin' "Go ahead. Get one off. It'll read better in the report" as I'm lookin' at the red dot that's halfway between chin and navel on his white t shirt.

My hand had seen that it couldn't see his and unholstered. Squeezin' the semi-auto's grip was activatin' the Crimson Trace laser.

My mind was watchin' his eyes. Inside I wasn't much carin' how things went.

One less jerk in the world-so what.

One less old guy-who cares.

But training is training and reflex is faster than thought.

So here we be. A Lauderdale alley standoff.

Two heartbeats.

Maybe he registers the size of the hole.

.45 trumps a 9, eh cuz?

Maybe he figures another time.

I don't know.

He stepped back.

I stood still.

He turned and ran.

I reholstered into concealment and checked my watch.

Not too late for a good start on today's work.

Hope it don't rain. That always makes driving dangerous.

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Last edited by Nick Pierce; 04-16-2011 at 10:18 PM..
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Old 04-17-2011, 05:39 PM
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As I was reading this, I was preparing to rip your grammar to shreds, but I'm under the assumption that some of your grammatical mistakes (i.e. 'there we be.' and 'Hope it don't rain.') were in the character's speaking voice and were meant to be done incorrectly.

There's really no meat on these bones. Just this happened and this happened's. I don't know what's going on. i don't know who my narrator is or why he is carrying a concealed handgun.

That being said, the one thing outside of content that I pulled away from this piece with was that this really belongs in the poetry forum. This is pure narrative-driven free-verse. You'll probably get better reviews over there.
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  #3  
Old 04-17-2011, 06:04 PM
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If you can get it moved to poetry that's cool with me.
I'm guessin' you don't live near Miami. Thus you would not know the wisdom of constant carry. The syntax is my native tongue. What is "going on" is the start of my day. I clean pools for a living. Yeah, it's honest work but I do it anyway.
Ever hear of black humour? Andre Breton?
Perhaps availing yourself of familiarization regarding the two questions will let you see the skeleton walk.

Thanks for your sincere and thoughtful comments, RabbitInTheSuit.
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Old 04-17-2011, 06:54 PM
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I am seriously starting to think that no one on this website can honestly take a critique without rudely defending themselves.
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Old 04-17-2011, 08:04 PM
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Originally Posted by RabbitInTheSuit View Post
I am seriously starting to think that no one on this website can honestly take a critique without rudely defending themselves.
Hang in there pal. It may be simply a perceptual phase.
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  #6  
Old 04-18-2011, 11:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Hang in there pal. It may be simply a perceptual phase.
Is it? Because you are one of three people to pretty much say to me, "Hey, thanks for taking time to read and critique my story honestly. Now go fuck yourself." There's no place for that. I'm here to help. You're here to tell yourself you're perfect and anyone who says otherwise needs to be sarcastically demolished. So, in conclusion, drop it.
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  #7  
Old 04-19-2011, 05:54 AM
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Originally Posted by RabbitInTheSuit View Post
"Hey, thanks for taking time to read and critique my story honestly. Now go fuck yourself."
Looked through our interaction comments. Is this an actual quote? I don't see it and it is not in character with my regard for others who post here.

My condolences if you believe things are going untoward for you at this time, sir.


Sincerely,

Nick Pierce
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Last edited by Nick Pierce; 04-19-2011 at 06:01 AM..
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Old 04-19-2011, 02:41 PM
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Default Indian Quiet

Nick,
Hey I liked your opening line. Although it may not be politically correct, I think it described the situation nicely. Also it gives away your age (maybe) most nowdays would say Ninja quiet or something like that.

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
As is my way, I had come through the gate Indian quiet.

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Hope it don't rain. That always makes driving dangerous.
I also liked the closing statement. Ironic that he was more concerned about driving on wet roads than about a gunpoint stand-off with a thief. Well done.
I would have liked to see a bit more to this piece, to kinda fill in some of the holes. I wasn't sure how the title fit in.

Also I'm not sure what set of Rabbitinthesuit I didn't find your comments offensive at all.

Teancor
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Old 04-19-2011, 03:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Looked through our interaction comments. Is this an actual quote? I don't see it and it is not in character with my regard for others who post here.

My condolences if you believe things are going untoward for you at this time, sir.


Sincerely,

Nick Pierce
Are you ever not a smartass?
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  #10  
Old 04-19-2011, 05:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Teancor View Post
Nick,
Hey I liked your opening line. Although it may not be politically correct, I think it described the situation nicely. Also it gives away your age (maybe) most nowdays would say Ninja quiet or something like that.






I also liked the closing statement. Ironic that he was more concerned about driving on wet roads than about a gunpoint stand-off with a thief. Well done.
I would have liked to see a bit more to this piece, to kinda fill in some of the holes. I wasn't sure how the title fit in.

Also I'm not sure what set of Rabbitinthesuit I didn't find your comments offensive at all.

Teancor
Age: 58
Ethnicity: Black Irish, English, Indian (Seminole)
End statement value: Thief danger past. Best to prep for future stuff. Hopin' counts.
Title: I'm a Pool Man. I drive a truck on a pool route.

Regarding the other issue; to quote something I just read while researching you- "What we have here is a failure to communicate".

Thanks for givin' the piece a read, Teancor. And thanks for commenting your reactions.

Who is the fella in your avatar?
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  #11  
Old 07-04-2017, 09:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
As is my way, I had come through the gate Indian quiet.

And there he was. Ass backin' out of my truck's passenger door.

Saw me, dropped stolen stuff and came up with a piece.

I'm thinkin' "Go ahead. Get one off. It'll read better in the report" as I'm lookin' at the red dot that's halfway between chin and navel on his white t shirt.

My hand had seen that it couldn't see his and unholstered. Squeezin' the semi-auto's grip was activatin' the Crimson Trace laser.

My mind was watchin' his eyes. Inside I wasn't much carin' how things went.

One less jerk in the world-so what.

One less old guy-who cares.

But training is training and reflex is faster than thought.

So here we be. A Lauderdale alley standoff.

Two heartbeats.

Maybe he registers the size of the hole.

.45 trumps a 9, eh cuz?

Maybe he figures another time.

I don't know.

He stepped back.

I stood still.

He turned and ran.

I reholstered into concealment and checked my watch.

Not too late for a good start on today's work.

Hope it don't rain. That always makes driving dangerous.

Nick, why have you brought this piece up?

Well, Mr. Pierce, I was commentin' to a commenter about how "dull" and "nice flow" my current piece seemed and I was reminded of this one.

So here it is in the present for reference.
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  #12  
Old 08-10-2017, 05:58 AM
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Rabbit, not everyone is disagreeing with you. You gave me a critique some time ago and, though it was brief, I found it very supportive. Nick also seemed to like it so perhaps you agree on some things after all. It was 'Mr Browing's Target' that you both critiqued.
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  #13  
Old 08-10-2017, 01:03 PM
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I liked this, my only complaint is I wish it was a short story or novel. I enjoyed the dialect quite a bit, and it really added to the story. could actually hear the guy going through this in his head.

edit: What I said wasn't applicable.

Last edited by Lockette; 08-10-2017 at 01:06 PM..
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Old 08-10-2017, 06:55 PM
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So.

Last Friday, our smallest and cutest cat, Rafiki, disappeared.

(I'm a dog person - never actively sought cat ownership as a lifestyle choice. Regardless, haven't lived without a cat for thirty two years...the unloved and dying just find me.)

So, Little Man was breaking his heart.

We sat up for several nights producing 'LOST' posters and over the course of seven days, we got 48 posters out there covering a ten mile radius.

We checked animal shelters, knocked door-to-door. Drove around every evening combing a meticulously planned grid reference. Checked with the council daily for cat corpses...

Tonight, we were out from 8 pm until midnight - same routine. Exhausted, we got a drive thru and headed home.

Rafiki was sat on the doorstep waiting.

....he was only gone seven days.

You see how I worry?

You've been missing for fifteen.

Kinda hope you'll pull the same trick as the cat Piercey.
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Last edited by Grace Gabriel; 08-10-2017 at 07:12 PM..
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Old 08-10-2017, 08:30 PM
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Should we suppose Nick has shot some perp and is now in the throes of mandatory detention?

Oh my... I hope he's not getting buggered.
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Old 08-10-2017, 08:39 PM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
Should we suppose Nick has shot some perp and is now in the throes of mandatory detention?

Oh my... I hope he's not getting buggered.
Fairly sure anyone attempting back door entry on Piercey will end up with enough bullet holes to start a new career in catering as a kitchen colander.

He could be constipated - fifteen days in the small room with Bukowski and stomach pains...
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Old 08-10-2017, 08:42 PM
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They take your guns in the clink. So... the martial arts would have to suffice.

There are some big strong dudes in prison.
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Old 08-10-2017, 08:52 PM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
They take your guns in the clink. So... the martial arts would have to suffice.

There are some big strong dudes in prison.
Yeah, thanks for putting my mind at rest BP.

Jeez.

I hope Piercey is constipated then.
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Old 08-10-2017, 08:58 PM
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"Shit on my dick, or blood on my knife"

I hope Nick makes the right choice.
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Old 08-10-2017, 09:14 PM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
"Shit on my dick, or blood on my knife"

I hope Nick makes the right choice.



Tastefully and succinctly expressed BP.
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