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Old 05-31-2017, 12:19 AM
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I'm bored so I'm playing with dystopias and cliches. This is the very basic of the first draft starting but I kind of like where this is going.And yes I am recycling characters. I swear all my novels will have the same character lists. Also I am undecided on the name Laura or Lauren. I think I fixed them but if a Lauren pops up it's actually Laura. My bad. Now I'm planning on making this really cliche but the main protagonist knows it. However there isn't really much of a plan.

“Don't worry about it,” Laura said. It was the day before the soul binding test and two days before the ceremony. All five nations come together and pair up their most elite. Laura and I were both part of the light class. The other classes are fire, ice, dark and knowledge.
“I guess. It's just hard not to worry about it,” I said. I looked down at my feet. Laura and I had grown up in the military base together before we were transferred to the main city, Aurei Crusis.
“I know what you mean. It would be my ultimate nightmare to be transferred to the dark class,” Light and dark had been feuding for at least ten years. I wasn't exactly sure why, however it was common knowledge that they didn't like us, and to be fair the feeling was mutual.
“That would be way too cliché,” I giggled. In hind site I probably had jinxed myself in that moment.
“Besides no one from light class has ever matched with dark house. We're just not compatible. That's totally got to be why we don't mix well.” Laura did have a point. However something just felt off for me. “Anyway lets go grab some lunch.” We headed straight to the canteen. Laura stopped in her tracks.
“What is it?” I asked. She was glancing at Reece Jacobs. His sandy hair sat just right and he definitely worked out. Not my type but I got why Laura dug him.
“How likely do you think it will be if I get paired with Jacobs?” she asked. She brushed her auburn curl behind her ear.
“Probably more likely then it is for a light to match a dark,” I smiled as I whispered in here ear.
“Don't jinx me Tiny,” Laura said. That wasn't my actual name but she liked to call me that because of how little I was. Jacobs group looked over to the windows almost as if they had seen a pink elephant. Laura glanced at me for a second. We moved over to the windows as well. Several busses with the district crests lined up.
“Maybe we won't even get paired,” I said. Laura looked as if she had seen a ghost.
“When have we ever been that Lucky tiny.” She sounded flat. I smiled.
“Well there is always a time to start.” My smiled quickly faded as the doors of the buses opened. First the military officers stepped our of each bus. Students quickly followed. The military officers appeared to be yelling something out as the students were lining up. However they were too far away for us to hear them.
“Boy I'm glad we live in the capital,” Laura said. I was about to respond but I heard a chime that sent shivers down my spine.

We sat in class waiting for Mrs Jeffrey. There was certainly an uneasy atmosphere in the room. Unfortunately none of us knew what to say to one another so we kept quiet. We all knew that it might be our last moments with each other and it sucked. Mrs Jeffrey walked in.
“Good afternoon. Now as you all know, the soul binding test is less then twenty four hours away. Isn't that exciting?” after realising we weren't bouncing out of our seats over this she continued. “Now I know you're all nervous but this ceremony is very important for us to keep an equal balance in the system. Some of you may have new homes by this time tomorrow, however you don't have to be scared. See it as an adventure. A Journey.” I had had enough adventures. Laura looked over at me as if to say the same thing. Mrs Jeffrey wrote down a few notes on the board. I had always found it funny how the teachers here used boards. I wouldn't even know how to write on one. We'd always had to use tablets. I can't even remember the last time I'd used a pen. We copied the notes in our tablet but it just seem pointless.

That night I sat down at the dinner table with Mary and Lee. Mary was the closest thing to a mother I had. She was mine and Lauras doctor at the base. She adopted me when I was seven. Lee was her four year old son. Unfortunately his father had passed away a few years ago at the base. Mary did the best she could with her busy schedule. I was really grateful for her.
“Have you had your medication today?” She asked. I smiled.
“I had it with breakfast,” I said. Her face looked grim.
“Good. I won't always be able to remind you.” she said. Lee was singing to himself.
“Well there is no need to worry. I'm basically grown up,” I said.
“Eighteen is not grown up Winifred,” she looked stern. “You've still got a lot of growing to do.”
“Please stop worrying. It will all be fine,” I cut up Lees veggies and checked the temperature. “Do you want some sauce?” I asked him. He smiled.
“Yes please,” he clapped.
“I swear he's going to end up with Knowledge someday. His speech is improving rapidly,” I looked over to Mary. She stayed silent.

I laid in my bed staring at the ceiling. I reached up my palm to the ceiling. This might be the last time I would sleep in my bed. I turned my hand thinking about the day I was placed here. Mary had thought it best that I grew up in normal surroundings with other kids my age. I was under control. It wasn't like I could hurt anyone. However as a precaution they decided to place me under Mary's care. And she did a good job raising me. I was glad that she finally had a baby boy. She had tried for so long. But she had never treated me different. She had love for both of us.
My mind wondered to the test tomorrow. I wondered where I would be placed. If I was lucky I could stay here. I'd imagined I'd be placed with knowledge. And at worst, with fire. I'm not one for the heat. Definitely not with Dark as we aren't compatible districts.
I looked at my clock. I liked analogue clocks. There is something sophisticated with them. No one I knew could read them. I had to in my training at the base. It said four thirteen. My phone beeped.
“I might as well get up,” I grabbed it and flipped it open.
“I can't sleep” Laura had texted. A breath of air escaped me.
“Me neither,” I sent back. Soon after my phone started buzzing. I picked it up. We talked as we got ready.

We lined up in district order. To the right of us were Knowledge and then ice. To the left were fire and then Dark. The liked to keep the Feuding districts separate from one another. I looked over at the Dark class.
“Wow I take it back, maybe the dark class wouldn't be so bad Tiny,” Lauren mocked. She had seen what I had seen. They all looked like models. It was a little intimidating.
“Looks aren't everything,” I said. I looked at the other groups. “It's kind of unfair don't you think?”
“What?” Lauren asked. “That they look decent?” I chuckled.
“No silly. That we have to rely on some dumb personality test to place us with our perfect match. What ever happened to romance and adventure?” I asked.
“Oh remember this is going to be an adventure,” Lauren mocked Mrs Jeffrey.
“Shut up,” I giggled. Everything fell silent. I was too short to see anything. I tried to get on my tippy toes but I was no match for the long legged folk before me. “What is it?”
“The district leaders are there. They're discussing something with the teachers.”
Each district was separated into two groups. Luckily Laura and I were placed in the same test room. We were escorted to a room. There were tablets displayed on the tables.
“If you would look for the table with your name on it. Do not touch your tablets until told otherwise,” A man who was obviously from the dark said.
“Good luck Tiny,” Laura whispered.
“Fingers crossed,” I said. We were seated on opposite ends of the room.
“Now no looking at others test. Remember there is no right or wrong. This is just a placing test. Trying to cheat it may not get you the desired results. As well as the placing we will determine who your are compatible with for the soul binding process. The soul binding will give you a buddy to help rehabilitate you into the system. Your test will help us determine the perfect match,” A man from knowledge stated. I didn't see any staff from light. Maybe that would have been a conflict of interest.
The test asked basic questions. General questions on whether we strongly agreed or disagreed with the statement. It felt too easy. I was expecting more detailed questions. I'd finished 20 minutes early and had to sit there. I looked around, some people were stressing so much that they were red in the face. Lauren was blotchy and looked teary. Eventually time was up. We were all lead into the auditorium. The front two rows were filled with light, as it was our base. Then Fire, Knowledge, Dark and Ice followed. The District leaders were on the platform. Light stood forward.
“I am so proud of you all. Everyone completed the test to the best of their ability. We had no discrepancies. In fact all students were matched with ease. This years soul binding is probably the smoothest process we've ever had.” She said. I held my hand in Laura and crossed the other hand.
They called out many students names. The seats were half emptied.
“Lauren Smith,” Lauren stood up.
“Good luck,” she said.
“Thanks Tiny,” she said. She walked up to the stage.
“Congratulations Lauren. You'll get to stay here in the Light. Paired with Reece Jacobs,” the look on Lauras face was golden. I was happy for her, truly. She deserved to get a happy ending. She and Reece walked out the exit to the light room.
“Winifred Southern,” anxiety covered me. I felt a bit uneasy but I pushed past the students in my row. As I approached the stage the visuals of my districts blue uniform was fading. I was blinded by the stage lights. I reached the district leader. “Congratulations Winifred.” She looked down at her paper. A slight glimpse of a surprised look showed but quickly faded. “Well it seems You'll be placed in the Dark,” all of a sudden everything went silent. I couldn't hear any whispers in the audience. I didn't need the stage lights to turn off to imagine everyone’s shocked expression. “You'll be paired with Reide Thompson.” After a minute a guy from Dark came up. His dark hair matched his uniform but he looked more like a model up close. He gave me a look that sent shivers down my spine. We both exited the room and headed to the Dark room to proceed in the soul binding.
“Hi I'm Winifred,” I said to break the silence. He just stayed silent. We entered the room. Reide walked over to a group of the others.
“What's this?” A red haired guy said to Reide.
“There has got to of been some kind of mistake right?” he asked. I would have listened in but my phone started buzzing. It was Laura. I picked up.
“So Tiny, where did you end up?” she said. I gulped.
“You'll never believe it..” I said.
“What? Did you end up in that pretentious knowledge place? I always knew you were smart,” She chimed.
“I actually ended up in a cliché,” I said. She was silent for a moment.
“No you don't mean...” she said.
“Yeah,” I said.
“How is your buddy taking it?” she asked.
“They seem more freaked out then me. I'm really scared,” I said.
“Well don't worry. If anyone can survive it's you Tiny. They'll love you. Everyone loves you.” I smiled at that.
“Thanks. I'm not sure it's that simple though.” I said.
“Oh I've got to go. They just called us. Can you believe I'm paired with Jacobs?” I smiled.
“I told you that you would be.” She sighed.
“I love you Tiny.” I felt choked up.
“Love you too,” she hung up.

After about an hour we were called for the soul binding. Reide and I walked into the room. There was two seats and two gun like objects. I'd never seen them before. But they felt familiar. We both took a seat. After a few minutes a man walked in.
“Sorry but I think there must have been a mistake,” Reide said. The man looked over his glasses.
“What do you mean?”
“Dark and Light never pair,” he said. How typical. The dark aren't exactly accepting. The man looked down at his keyboard.
“No, these seem to be some of the most compatible results I've ever seen. There is no mistake.” Although Reide didn't seem content in his answer he didn't contest either. “So the soul binding. In each pair there is a dominant person. This person is the more likely to survive.” He picked up the Gunlike thing that was in front of me and walked over to Reide. “This might sting a little but it's harmless.” He shot it in the back of the head. “The dominant must protect the subservient. If the subservient perishes so will the dominant.” Reide didn't react to the man. But his face looked grim. The man looked at my file. “Ah you're that case. I need to lift up the back of your shirt.” I turned to face him. He shot it into my spine. It burned. “Sorry it stings a bit more then the other method but we can't risk the other method.” I nodded. Reide looked shocked but didn't say anything. “I'm sure you're aware why you've ended up subservient. So we won't need to dwell on those details.” I nodded.
“Wait, you're saying I have to protect her?” Reide questioned?
“Indeed,” the doctor said.
“She's a Light going into the dark. That's suicide.” he said. This guy only seemed to care about himself.
“The process is done. You both can go to the dark hall.”

“That guy was such a dick. First of all he wouldn't go check the results. Secondly he actually made her lift her shirt to do the soul binding” Reide said. “He was such a pervert. And the idiot fell for it.”
“Why would he do that?” the red headed guy said.
“She already has a chip in the usual place,” a dark haired guy said flatly. This took me by surprise. I looked up at him. He smiled. “I can read minds.” he winked.
“I'm going to go over here now,” I said. I walked over to a seat and sat. I looked at my phone. No updates.

I was on the bus. Apparently we had to sit with our pairings. I noticed that the red head and the mind reader were sitting together.
“Are they gay?” I asked Reide. He just rolled his eyes. I pulled out my phone. No messages. I expected to hear from Mary by now. I typed, “Hey. I got placed in Dark.” After a few minutes there was still no response. I kept flipping my phone open and closed. Reide snatched it off me and pocketed it.
“Hey, that's mine,” I said.
“Well that's really annoying,” he said.

My eyes burst open. I looked outside. It was actually fairly pretty. Old buildings mixed with plant life. I'd always heard it was a lot more... well darker here. But this I could deal with. I looked over at Reide. He was still sleeping.
“What do you think?” the red head piped up over his seat. He was a few rows in front of us but was obviously calling out to me.
“It's not what I expected,” I called out.
“You're voice is really annoying,” Reide said, still keeping his eyes closed.
“Sorry,” I said. He kept quiet.

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  #2  
Old 05-31-2017, 07:30 AM
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You should really work on your spelling and grammar.
Hindsight
Let's not lets
Redhead
Your voice
Her auburn curl...she only has one?

If this is supposed to be a parody of dystopian stories it's really not all that funny either.
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Old 05-31-2017, 08:22 PM
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Originally Posted by moonpunter View Post
You should really work on your spelling and grammar.
Hindsight
Let's not lets
Redhead
Your voice
Her auburn curl...she only has one?

If this is supposed to be a parody of dystopian stories it's really not all that funny either.
This is the very first draft. I'm doing the whole "Don't go back and edit" thing for the moment but I'll definitely look into those things when I do.

As for a parody... I'm not intending on making a parody. I'm more setting out a layout so I can flesh it up later. Getting the plot down and then building it from the inside out.

As for spelling I'm not sure what you mean other then your "curls" example.

I'm not exactly sure the direction this story is going. However I do tend to write a lot of dystopians.

If you'd like to go in detail I'd be more then happy to look into it. You're post is just sort of vague and hard to understand.
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Old 06-01-2017, 04:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Filterdreaming View Post

As for spelling I'm not sure what you mean other then your "curls"
.
Lol, that's why you need to work on the spelling and grammar. You don't even know what you're doing wrong.
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Old 06-01-2017, 12:31 PM
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The whole "go back and edit" thing is about knocking out a first draft and getting the story down so you don't get caught up in the details. It's a process thing -- and it's generally good advice.

It's not about expecting people to plow through your first draft before you've bothered to even try to make it as readable as possible.

And aside from respecting someone's time, these kinds of errors take readers out of the story -- so in the end, you're just shooting yourself in the foot.
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Old 06-01-2017, 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by moonpunter View Post
Lol, that's why you need to work on the spelling and grammar. You don't even know what you're doing wrong.
Maybe it's a language barrier thing?
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Old 06-01-2017, 04:17 PM
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Let me try to surmount the "language barrier:"

In hind site I probably had jinxed myself in that moment
hindsight

Anyway lets go grab some lunch
let's

I noticed that the red head
redhead

“You're voice is really annoying
Your
She brushed her auburn curl behind her ear.
an auburn curl or auburn curls

Have you had your medication today?” She asked
she asked

“Yes please,” he clapped.
clapped, looked over, stood, and so forth are not dialog tags. It has to be a synonym of said, which should be obvious but just about everyone starting out makes that mistake.
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Old 06-01-2017, 04:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Filterdreaming View Post
Maybe it's a language barrier thing?
What language is it that you speak?
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Old 06-01-2017, 04:20 PM
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Originally Posted by moonpunter View Post
Let me try to surmount the "language barrier:"



hindsight



let's



redhead



Your


an auburn curl or auburn curls



she asked



clapped, looked over, stood, and so forth are not dialog tags. It has to be a synonym of said, which should be obvious but just about everyone starting out makes that mistake.
I was making a joke... Language = grammar and spelling. That being an issue is is a barrier. I guess that didn't come across online.
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Old 06-01-2017, 04:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Myers View Post
What language is it that you speak?
A few. But unfortunately due to living in a multi-bilingual house all of my language skills have dissipated. It's a problem.
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Old 06-01-2017, 04:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Filterdreaming View Post
A few. But unfortunately due to living in a multi-bilingual house all of my language skills have dissipated. It's a problem.
I'm sure in all those languages you know how to say "thank you" don't you?
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Old 06-02-2017, 01:19 PM
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Originally Posted by moonpunter View Post
I'm sure in all those languages you know how to say "thank you" don't you?
I don't know if I am misunderstanding something here. Obviously I appreciate any help so thank you. However your post layout was just really hard to understand. That's why I questioned it. And where I come from putting things in quotation marks is sarcasm online. I actually don't know if you're being snarky or trying to help me out. Sorry if I'm under the wrong impression. It's hard to understand tone online.

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Old 06-03-2017, 06:57 AM
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[QUOTE=Filterdreaming

I actually don't know if you're being snarky or trying to help me out.

[/QUOTE]


Having read his comments (and trying to interact with him) over the last few months I am inclined to observe he likes wearin' both of those boots.

Of course this is presumin' that he is a he.

You, well I ain't doin' no presumin' but I would like to know the list of languages your ear hears where you are.
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Old 06-03-2017, 02:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Having read his comments (and trying to interact with him) over the last few months I am inclined to observe he likes wearin' both of those boots.

Of course this is presumin' that he is a he.

You, well I ain't doin' no presumin' but I would like to know the list of languages your ear hears where you are.
I like to keep everything about myself private
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Old 06-03-2017, 04:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Filterdreaming View Post
I like to keep everything about myself private
Yeah.
Me too.
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Old 06-03-2017, 04:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Yeah.
Me too.
Mr. Pierce, do you think I'm givin' up too much information about myself with this revelation?

I wouldn't be too concerned, Nick.
It is an unstated given that everything on the internet is true and not true at the same time,

Besides, Nick - and I don't mean to be unkind - how important do you think your life facts are to anyone else in the vast electronic world?

Pierce, old pal, that ripping sound you just heard was the last of my ego being torn away from my original psyche like a bandage that has served its purpose.


Way to go, Nick, and welcome to the diamond reality.
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Old 06-03-2017, 07:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Of course this is presumin' that he is a he.
I ask that same question about you, sunshine.
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Old 06-03-2017, 08:31 PM
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Originally Posted by moonpunter View Post
I ask that same question about you, sunshine.

Only my wife knows for sure.
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Old 06-03-2017, 08:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Filterdreaming View Post
I like to keep everything about myself private


I used to be that way too. I can see the wisdom there if you're a kid or a woman. There are a lot of dumbass fuckers out there. It's a shame but true.

But if you're a fifty year old man who runs a small business for a living your shit is already out there. And... who gives a fuck about you?

Here's my Cel number: (480) 582-8727.

My name is actually Tim.

I look forward the calls.

Anybody want my Facebook address?😆😆
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Old 06-03-2017, 08:50 PM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
I used to be that way too. I can see the wisdom there if you're a kid or a woman. There are a lot of dumbass fuckers out there. It's a shame but true.

But if you're a fifty year old man who runs a small business for a living your shit is already out there. And... who gives a fuck about you?

Here's my Cel number: (480) 582-8727.

My name is actually Tim.

I look forward the calls.

Anybody want my Facebook address?😆😆


I thought "cel" was spelled with two ll's.
Man, the things I learn hangin' 'round this ol' place.

And holy crap!
You get to live in Phoenix!
I always wanted to live there soley because it is called Phoenix.
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Old 06-03-2017, 09:10 PM
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I'm not sure how to spell Cel. I barely graduated high school.
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Old 06-04-2017, 03:36 AM
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[QUOTE=brianpatrick

I barely graduated high school.

[/QUOTE]

I didn't.


And yet I muse, wistfully, of sleeping among the bums of Phoenix.
And each morning rising from the asses, reborn and fired into the new day.



Okay, kids, here are two prime examples of what can happen if you don't saddle yourself with college loan debt.
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Old 06-04-2017, 07:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Only my wife knows for sure.
So you're a lesbian then?
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Old 06-04-2017, 07:39 AM
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Originally Posted by moonpunter View Post
So you're a lesbian then?



Love, it's complicated.
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Old 06-04-2017, 07:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Love, it's complicated.

Hey, that would be a good title for a poem.
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Old 06-04-2017, 07:43 AM
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Okay, Filter, things have veered far off your topic.
Apologies.

Here's to hopin' someone comments on your piece.

Cheers.
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Old 06-04-2017, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Filterdreaming View Post
I'm bored so I'm playing with dystopias and cliches.
Reminds me of the old joke:

Patient: Doc, it hurts when I do this.

Doctor: Then stop doing that.
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Old 06-04-2017, 01:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Okay, Filter, things have veered far off your topic.
Apologies.

Here's to hopin' someone comments on your piece.

Cheers.
Someone already did.
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Old 06-04-2017, 05:52 PM
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i had to say, i love a good laura story. it's a thing! lol. lots of weird dialogue bits btw. and spacing is an issue. your format is too clogged. pace was slow.

and no one calls nicky sunshine but mwah. hi nick pierce. glad to run into you round these whereabouts. i like ur piece, filter. just try to get an edit going when someone corrects you. i don't think moon punter means any harm. although i did just try to add him or her and it's still pending. let's see if he gets friendlier later on lol.
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Old 06-04-2017, 06:22 PM
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Originally Posted by chat bot View Post
i had to say, i love a good laura story. it's a thing! lol. lots of weird dialogue bits btw. and spacing is an issue. your format is too clogged. pace was slow.

and no one calls nicky sunshine but mwah. hi nick pierce. glad to run into you round these whereabouts. i like ur piece, filter. just try to get an edit going when someone corrects you. i don't think moon punter means any harm. although i did just try to add him or her and it's still pending. let's see if he gets friendlier later on lol.
I wouldn't take your criticism very seriously considering your incompetent language skills.
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